I’m so upset by lack of acknowledgment and want to vent!

[BoudiccasCat]

Background: DH works away 2-3 days each week, he stays overnight for the duration. The other 2-3 days he works from home.

I generally work between 20-30 hours a week (sometimes more, sometimes less depending on work load Vs school/kid stuff - I’m self employed).

We have 3 primary/preschool aged children.

When he’s home we share the cooking, washing, chauffeur services for kids clubs etc. I do the majority of the household and family admin and (obviously) do everything for 2-3 days a week. I balance work around the kids and DH working away.

Anyway, I made a comment in conversation, not part of an argument or throwing an accusation, that he works away for half the working week. DH took offence to this comment and said it makes him sound like a “deadbeat dad who swans off without any responsibility” but he DOES work away for half the working week and by denying that I felt it minimises my contribution. I DO look after the kids and balance work on my own for half the working week. I don’t whinge about it but some weeks are hard and chaotic if there’s anything out of the ordinary routine (the weeks leading up to Christmas were bonkers).

So, I’m upset by the lack of acknowledgment.

Him being so upset means he is probably very aware that he is away 2-3 days a week and not helping on those days. He thinks it subconsciously. Is there a way he can take on a bit more on one of the evenings when he’s around or on the weekend?

Yeah, I would say that’s his guilty conscience talking. He knows full well he’s away for half the week.

Being away for work is equally as stressful and ‘on’ as being at home with kids on your own. I’ve done both. I did ten years of my husband away for weeks at a time with work, leaving me with the babies and preschoolers. He now is wfh mainly, and I can be away with work more than him. It’s absolutely exhausting travelling and mentally taxing going away. It’s also exhausting being the one left a home, juggling young kids and working part time. You are both probably being unreasonable and are both probably just doing your best. X

Thanks for the sensible replies.

I never use it ‘against’ him. I just get on with it. He doesn’t need to take on more when he’s home. I don’t ask for him to bow down to my superior commitment to parenting. I’m surprised and upset by his lack of acknowledgment/denial of the facts… but I can understand the guilt (that I have not perpetuated).

I wasn’t denying his tiredness or his work ethic. I wasn’t looking for praise. It was a comment in a conversation that he reacted to. The denial/lack of acknowledgement surprised and upset me. It didn’t even need commenting on as part of the conversation.

Ha, @cheeselolly no it’s not. Don’t be silly.

yes OP I’d say he knows he’s got it easier than you. At least he has the good grace do feel guilty. Just not the good grace to acknowledge it.

My XH used to maintain that him working away, only coming home alternate weekends and leaving me with five children under 8 who didn't sleep, was 'just as hard' as my solo parenting. Apparently he hardly had a minute to himself, the poor lamb.

I divorced him, as it was easier to manage the family without him coming home and disrupting everything, wanting my full attention and dumping his dirty washing once a fortnight. Those who work away underestimate how much better you feel when you know your night's sleep isn't going to be interrupted.

DH never worked away but in our DC's early years he was building up a business and the premises, and often worked 14 hour days 6 days a week. We even had to sell our home and live about it all for 3 years to invest capital into it. 3 kids under 5 in a tiny 2 bed flat up a flight of external metal stairs was no picnic. I was seething with resentment after years of it, and our marriage nearly ended on a few occasions because we were both just burned out and exhausted. Neither was doing any less than the other in truth, just differently.

Raising young kids is hard, even when there are 2 of you doing it. You just have to soldier on and it does get easier.

Yes, but why does he need to work and stay away part of the week. Is it because to get the salary for the family pot he needs to, or did you both move away from his job for a bigger house for the dc. This has happened for a reason, maybe not of his choosing, only you know this and why he is not there some of the week. But yes,it pretty obvious that if he's not physically present he's not doing day to day stuff in those days I agree.

It sounds like he was feeling unappreciated too when he reacted to your comment.

We run a mutual appreciation society in our house that would make most mnetters barf but it keeps us both from taking each other for granted or taking advantage.

Id be enquiring if he needed psychiatric help for his detachment from reality.

Just to be clear, we weren’t having an argument or discussing our family roles, there was no mention of exhaustion or workload, it was a comment as part of a broader conversation not related to work or parenting.

It took me by surprise because his reply was unexpected and no need to deny/be defensive as there was no accusation.

We both work hard in our careers. We don’t need to compete over who works the hardest or most hours. We have very different careers and are lucky we have the option of both of us working from home for approx half the week.

I genuinely thought he realised and quietly acknowledged that the half the week when he’s away, I’m spinning plates like a lunatic on a unicycle. To have that denied is upsetting. Not in a competitive “I’m the most tired” way, just in a “thanks for enabling my career” type of way.

I’m not sure, having done both, often with kids at school then it’s easier for the one at home, it depends on his job and where he is commuting to

but it’s not a competition and marriages fail when people compete on who has it worst.

How can you possibly know if he’s got it easier or not. Unless you’ve literally walked in his shoes, doing his job, you have no idea. When I go away for work it’s immeasurably stressful. When I was left home with the kids, sometimes it was very stressful, sometimes it was moderately stressful, and sometimes I was thankful I was the one at home, snuggling the children, in my own bed, whilst my husband was holed up in a shit hotel dining on nasty takeaway food. It’s literally impossible to say that the husband is not stressed by going away. In my husband’s sector, the suicide rate is high. As a direct result of the stress on parents when made to work away from home regularly/for years.

Oh I dunno, maybe because I was a single parent for 15 yeas. And run my own business for 28 years. But yes, you’re right, it’s just a guess based on no experience whatsoever 🙄

Exactly. So you’ve never worked away. It’s a soul destroying nightmare most of the time. I’ve worked away across various sectors, for various amounts of time. I’ve also been left with newborns, toddlers, and ill parents to look after. For weeks on end. Neither was worse than the other. They both suck.

I did and still do lots of working away - did you see the bit where I said I run my own business? It is much much easier than single parenting and working nearby. Much.

How did you work away if you are a single parent? Did you take your children with you? You are very lucky if working away was a breeze for you. I suppose you are one of those who thinks that because your job was really easy then every other job must be. And of course you know the OP’s job so well and you know the OP’s character so well that you can safely say he isn’t remotely stressed. Where did you get these mystical super hero powers?

I juggled like crazy with childcare including negotiating with my exH, mom, and paid help. I made a million compromises in my career to prioritise my kids.

I suppose you are one of those who thinks that your life must be identical to everyone else’s.

I don’t have any more insight into the OP or her husband than you do. In fact I’d forgotten all about this thread until you tagged me yet again. I’m just passing comment, just like you are. I’m also doing that without being a sarcastic arsehole.

I lose all respect for anyone unable to have a discussion without reverting to calling people hate filled names. So I will leave this conversation. I do not appreciate you using abusive and derogatory language. Please go and get anger therapy.

You are utterly ridiculous. Accusing me of making assumptions, all the time making many assumptions about me. Your pompous tone doesn’t help. Please stop quoting me.

Yawn

OP you need to tell him how you feel. That you weren’t being antagonistic at all but simply naming the truth of the set up. And that you would like what you do to keep things going acknowledged.

If he can’t be a grown up and say “Thank you for your support” then he’s just being a petulant idiot.

Jesus Christ woman. Give it a rest! 😂

a lot of posters seem to use the lol emoji when they are furious. It’s so odd.