Feeling sad about not becoming a grandparent and adjusting expectations

[LouisaJ58]

I’ve just had a lovely catch up with an old friend today. She’s shared pictures of her four lovely grandchildren. As I’m never going to become a nan I felt this pang in my stomach. I always saw my life unfolding with grandchildren and whilst I’ve got two lovely adult children, I do feel rather sad they won’t be having any.
Is anyone going through this or gone through this or any words to help me stop feeling sorry for myself. Please be kind, thanks

I'm in the same position as it's looking unlikely my 2 adult children will have their own children. I don't really have any advice for you apart from just getting on with your own life. It's tough.

I don't expect i will ever be a grandmother OP.
I feel more sadness for my son than I do for myself . I know when I die that will be him alone because we don't really have any other relatives and , as yet, he doesn't have a steady partner despite going into his 40s. That is much more upsetting for me than any personal feelings that I'm missing out.

I won't be having gc as ds died and dd doesn't want them. I'm quite ok with that...it isn't something I'm sad about or have had to come to.terms with.

I don't think any of my children will have children. It is their lives so absolutely understand that they must make decisions for what works in their lives with their own families. There is a small bit of me which would love to be a grandparent just once so I can experience that but I was lucky enough to experience having 3 children and watching them grow up to lovely adults and that is very fortunate.

I’m with you, OP. It’s looking unlikely in my future too, and 15 years ago I’d have assumed there would be quite a few.

I must say, though, while I’d have loved it and would have thoroughly supported the family in every way possible, I’m starting to wonder whether I’d have the energy and enthusiasm for it. I’m almost 60 and finding life tiring. I don’t know whether I’d have summoned some energy and enthusiasm after all 🤣🫣.

I don’t think I have ever expected grandchildren, so it won’t be a big deal if I don’t get any.

DD is single and thirty. DS has a lovely DP but she has an inherited genetic illness so I am not sure they will have children. I don’t pry about it obviously.

Did you have a vision of yourself providing childcare? I guess you need to develop some interests that will distract you from your perceived loss?

Do you have any pets?

It’s always safer not to assume anything when it comes to other people doing something they’re not even in control of.

I hope I do have a grandchild one day but I certainly am not counting on it.

In any event, like many of my peers, my children are working or in further education in distant locations so developing a relationship with the next generation will be tricky sadly.

Likely to become an even more common scenario if the U.K. becomes like Poland and many Eastern European countries 10-15 years ago with young people leaving for more financially promising and vibrant economies abroad. A recent study showed that one in ten U.K. university graduates expect to live overseas.

So, sympathies but you won’t be alone in this. The UK isn’t currently a child friendly place or economy.

PS one of the apparently happiest older ladies I ever met was a childless one who covered the lunchtime slot and occasional standby shift at my youngest child’s nursery to ensure staff numbers were sufficient to allow staff breaks and so on.

She ( and the receptionist of a similar vintage) were the most popular staff members by a country mile with many tots and parents. They were seldom seen without a child on lap or hip and were amongst the reasons I preferred this setting to all others I looked at. More to your point, they enjoyed the experience of getting to know little children and undoubtedly made the children happier.

Both my sons are in their early 30s and are happily settled. Whilst it would be nice to become a grandparent I’ve no expectations of doing so and it’s not a discussion we have as it’s none of my business. I certainly don’t feel sad or disappointed about it. I have a great relationship with my sons and DILs and that to me is what matters.

I’m the opposite and dread having grandchildren. I just don’t want to go back to that, did not particularly enjoy the younger years and certainly won’t do childcare.
I’ve never told my kids this, just that as I work FT childcare will never be an option.

Adult children do not owe their parents grandchildren.

It's tough when life doesn't match our expectations, but at the end of the day, nobody is obligated to have children just to make someone else a grandparent. It's their life to live. Honestly, you’d probably be a lot happier if you focused on building up your own hobbies and goals outside of your family. You'll save yourself a lot of unnecessary sadness if you start focusing on your own life instead of wrapping your happiness up in what your kids choose (not) to do.

I think some of the replies here are a bit harsh, of course you can't EXPECT grandchildren and of course it's up to your children to decide. But it's a perfectly normal thing to think it'll probably happen. So I can imagine might take a bit of adjusting if it becomes apparent that actually it probably won't happen. It's not up to you of course but it does change what your life will look like. And I'm sure you have plenty of hobbies and interests already! You can both have hobbies and feel sad to not become a grandmother.

I would look at it from a different perspective and be happy for your own DC.

I am a parent of 2 young kids and tbh i am miserable. No time for anything or myself, there is always something to worry about, had to pay for private healthcare and dentistry for both kids as NHS is absolutely shocking. It is too much pressure and cost nowadays. Awful sleep. Remember everything else about the reality of parenting apart from nice trips out and cuddles etc.

💯 this

My own parents and in laws would have a nerve expecting children out of me and my partner based on the way they dragged us up and the issues they gave us.

My reasoning not to have children is my own parents and how hard they made it for themselves and their children.

I know this is not all cases at all before anyone starts just offering another perspective.

OP didn't say she felt her children were obliged to become parents so she could be a grandmother. I expect you're projecting here, as so many posters do. She is feeling sad because she would have liked to be a grandmother, which is a perfectly normal expectation, especially from those who had a good relationship with their own grandparents or whose children did.

We are also unlikely to be grandparents. When I was younger I thought it was likely, as on the balance of probabilities most parents do in the end become grandparents, but that's not the way life is panning out for either of my adult children, for different reasons. I'm feeling fine about that, which surprises me as I love children and enjoyed the early years with our own two, but it's not the end of the world not to have grandchildren.

I very much doubt I will have any. My eldest can’t have children 🥺 I feel more sad about that than any feelings of loss I may have had.
my middle one can’t hold down a relationship and doesn’t want children anyway.
my youngest is gay and he doesn’t believe in gay couples having children.

I have grand dogs and plenty of time to travel however.

Adult children do not owe their parents grandchildren

OP has not in any way indicated that she feels her children owe her grandchildren. No-one else on the thread has indicated that they believe this. So I’m unsure why you have felt the need to scold people for a view no-one has expressed.

It seems a strange view to believe that people can only be sad about things if they feel they are “owed” them.

You musn't let your kids know that you feel upset about this. That is very important, if you do you will alienate them.

My friend feels the same way and it has mostly come around from feel envy when she speaks to others. I think everyone paints a lovely picture of having grandkids but it’s often not the reality. My friend, has a strained relationship with her dd, as she(my friend) has a tendency to overstep with good intentions but just can’t keep her mouth shut -she sees a grandchild fixing her relationship with her dd. I think it would make things worse - her dd isn’t even in a financially secure position but my friend is just thinking of herself and what she wants (again).

Some people always want children and some like me were not bothered at all until they meet someone they want children with. If I hadn’t met DH I would not have had children by choice.

I am unsure how to feel if I do not get grandchildren, I thought I would love it but see an over populated world with future competition for resources, so feel less upset due to that.

I get it OP.

I am doubtful either of my DD will have children of their own and I have prepared myself for the fact that it very well may not happen.

I have always wanted grandchildren but I realise its not a given that I will have any, and my children don't owe me any. If they decide they don't want them then its their lives and they must live the life they want to and I have always told them that. I will never make them feel bad or guilty for not giving me grandchildren.

But I have to admit it does pang a little. Most of my friends are now grandparents and I come from a once large family that has, over the years, just got smaller and smaller which is sad. My brother never had children and only one of my cousins has one child. So there are no 'new generations' being made which feels strange.

I do look longingly sometimes at larger families and wish I had that and I think about the future and all I see is quiet Christmas Days with no children running round and I admit I makes me feel a bit sad.

But I have found a way to be grateful for everything that I DO have and feel okay and comfortable with what may, or may not, be and I think you have to try and do the same.

So sorry about your son.

Are you my secret twin?😊
I feel the same.I am a mother or 4 and retired LSA for young adults in education. I love kids but not babies. I don't want GC I am done with that. In the unlikely event that any of my DC does have a child I will of course give help and support but will be a Nana not a professional Nanny.

Every time there is a thread where someone expressed sadness that they will not be a grandparent, there are always posters jumping in to tell them they are not owed grandchildren and their children are not obligated to have children just to make them happy, even though nobody has made any such suggestion.

I would LOVE to be a grandparent one day, and would feel sad if it never happened. I would never express that to my kids and would fully support them making whatever decision was right for them. Their happiness is always my number one priority. But I nonetheless would be a bit sad.