Feeling sad about not becoming a grandparent and adjusting expectations

[LouisaJ58]

I’ve just had a lovely catch up with an old friend today. She’s shared pictures of her four lovely grandchildren. As I’m never going to become a nan I felt this pang in my stomach. I always saw my life unfolding with grandchildren and whilst I’ve got two lovely adult children, I do feel rather sad they won’t be having any.
Is anyone going through this or gone through this or any words to help me stop feeling sorry for myself. Please be kind, thanks

I certainly don’t wallow and have both interests and pets to keep me busy.

Of course not, I have an excellent relationship with both my children.

I couldn’t agree more. It’s just having the space to say how I feel that I appreciate.

Yes, this is it. Thanks to you and the other posters who ‘get it’.

I adopted very late in life, and feel so lucky to have had a child. I can live without grandchildren.

Based purely on numbers (3 DC) I would have expected to be a grandmother at done point. But DC1 has terrible mental health, is practically reclusive and unlikely to get into a real life relationship. DC3 is gay/queer/trans, children not a focus as well as physically unlikely. DC2 may, possibly, have children at some point but currently career focused and has a new mirena coil, so no babies in the next 5 years +

I love your view of life. You sound great.

Hi op my daughter is still young but she loves animals so said kids not her thing at all! It is hard though. But to be honest am hearing friends minding gc and worn out from it all. Would I be sad no gc yes I would.

Exactly this. Grandchildren are not possessions. There is a great life to be had as an older person, completely free of the worries and responsibilities of grandchildren.

And, please, please, I hope everyone understands that this topic should never be raised with your offspring, if you want to maintain any kind of relationship with them.

Came to say the same thing.

Of course the adult children don't owe their parents grandchildren.

But it is okay for a parent to feel sad not to have any grandchildren. This can be true even if they have lots of hobbies and an active life of their own.

The two can both be true.

I’m only wondering as I’m the same age as you, when you say you find life tiring do you mean physically? Im a bad sleeper so tired from that but otherwise i feel much the same as my 40’s/50’s.

I just have very little capacity for stress these days. Excitement. Noise…
So while I’d have loved little family members, it would have been an adjustment!

But I was a younger mum than most my age, and it’s been a while since I’ve been surrounded by child noise and the need to be eyes on toddlers all the time. I’m sure I’d get back into it given the opportunity 😅

I do wish we could find a good way of pairing up families with no support and those that would love to be grandparents. It could be such a mutual wonderful experience. My children would love extra adults in their lives that care and are interested in them.

I get it. I know I will be sad if there are no grandchildren but in every case it would be a perfectly reasonable decision and I 100% want to live in a world where children are a choice.

Ive always assumed that on retiring I would volunteer in some form with children but actually I’m not so sure now… as time goes on it is a very long time since I hung out with little ones. It remains an option though.

I'm close to both my DDs, one of whom has a baby, so I absolutely have discussed having children with them both! The one who doesn't have a baby has discussed biological timescales for deciding with me. Whether or not she decides to have children is of course entirely up to her, but I would be sorry to think she couldn't discuss it with me as one sounding board for a huge decision. Discussing and putting pressure on are not the same thing.

I have 3 small children under 5 and our grandparents all live a long way away. A local lady from church who never had children but who is great with them has offered to help me out and comes over once a week. She’s like a grandparent to us all. Can you think of a way of helping a family and having that kind of relationship? It honestly really wonderful for us all

I totally agree. I feel just the same way.

We’re all adults here and of course we don’t expect our children to have their own children. This is about my feelings around not having grandchildren as it’s not something I can share outside of here.

Thank you for the valuable contributions on how others feel about the topic.

@LouisaJ58 What about Homestart or Gingerbread charities who support families with young children who are struggling or Single parents respectively? They might have some role for you to utilise your kindness and experience of mothering the next generation and give you an outlet for the feelings you’d like to bestow on grandchildren. You can also give yourself permission to be sad that things haven’t worked out the way you’d hoped but happy your children have been raised to do what they want with their lives also. Maybe a local Facebook group might be a place to find or suggest some kind of support for lone parents or if you’ve spare time at all try running or helping at a toddler group or similar.

I have an older friend who's mid 60s and has 2 sons , one is gay and the other lives in New Zealand and has no plans to have kids so she is grandchildren less .
she volunteers in a school and listens to children reading and sometimes helps out in the school when the reception class first starts . I think she gets her child fix by doing that so perhaps you could look into that .