How do you handle a large inheritance without upsetting family?

[ABriefInquiryInToOnlineRelationships]

I've always been poor. Not destitute. But I started at 17 in a council house with a baby. Went to uni and got a degree and a career. But then split from child's father in my early 20's. Met someone else who was much younger. Had 2 kids with him. He left. So two failed relationships by 30. Basically I've been a single parent to 3 kids for a big majority of my adult life. I'm early 40s now. I have managed with parental help to get a mortgage when I was in my early 20's. I have also paid in to a public sector pension since my mid 30's. However, I have no actual savings. Anything I've saved has been spent on what is needed to survive. There were years in my 20's when I couldn't even get credit as I'd defaulted. Money was very tight in my 20s and most of my 30s. It's not as tight now as I have a husband who earns similarly to me (public sector pay). But we still don't earn enough to save, and he isn't in the pension.
But, I'm about to become wealthy. After a lifetime of struggle, that is all shortly to come to an end. As ridiculous as it sounds, I can't actually wrap my head around it. It is through inheritance. Over the next decade I am likely to recieve inheritance several times. I'm not sure why my family have all decided to explain there wills to me at this stage; but they have. And so I know now in total the inheritance comes to over 1 million (the majority of which comes from the first inheritance which isn't far away). Yes I know you can't count on inheritance, but I know 2 of them will definitely arrive.
How on earth do you go from nothing to that level of money but not fuck up somehow?
I suppose my biggest concern is disparity with family. Basically, I am an only child, and benefit the most from all these inheritances. I am worried that my cousins or aunts and uncles will be upset or feel that I'm not deserving of this money. Maybe it should have been shared out more than it has been? I don't want family rifts. If I didn't have 3 children and a stepdaughter to consider, I absolutely would share it out to them. But with my children, one of whom is disabled - that money needs to be prioritised for them. I know I don't have to declare the amounts; but these people are in the same wills. So they will know. They will also know from my lifestyle even if they didn't read the will.
Has anyone experienced this? How did it change family dynamics? I've so many worries but I guess this is the one I want to start with asking. Tell me how best to manage this situation whilst prioritising my children.

I would say just don’t discuss it with anyone. If they bring it up, change the subject.

There may well be jealousy, and some people may take a step back from you to protect themselves - think of how you would feel if you were in their position, knowing that someone close to you have recieved huge amounts of money.

It doesn’t make them terrible people. Of course it will change the dynamic somewhat - money can do strange things to people.

Focus on yourself and your children, ensuring you are all secure for the future. Is your marriage strong? If not, then maybe try to ringfence some of the money.

As for the guilt, try to remeber that the person leaving this money wanted you to have it, and presumably hoped it would improve your life.

Echo don’t discuss it or say I’m ensuring my DC, especially the one with a disability, are financially secure. End of discussion.

My cousin is in a similar position to you. I don’t resent them for it, I know they would rather have their parents alive.

But it is fair.
Money goes, if there is no will, by law in the way you describe.

'Over the next decade I am likely to recieve inheritance several times'

Until you have it don't worry. You may get nothing.

That is normal. A child usually gets a parent’s share if the parent has predeceased them. If there were no will you’d get any share that your parent was entitled to.

Yes please do this, it’s imperative you get financial advice on investments and the best way to make the money work for your immediate needs and those of your children moving forward.

I know that a million is a lot of money when you’ve had none (my circumstances almost mirror yours), but in reality if you have a mortgage you might want to pay off, and 4 kids to take care of now and in the future, it really isn’t a lot of money.

Oh I love posts like these OP; for once someone that deserves it is getting some good luck. After the time you’ve had since your teens OP you bloody deserve it! Why on earth do you feel guilty? Your cousins aren’t inheriting because their parent hasn’t passed yet. It is also your aunts and uncles decision to have had 4 kids; their distributions were always going to be smaller in any will that was split equally. You’re getting yours early simply because your dad has passed - thats not your fault?

also, pretend you are your granny in Australia. You now have a granddaughter in england that had a really hard life, and you lost your son. Would YOU begrudge you the money?

Don't feel guilty, or discuss it with any family member or friend. Seek financial guidance and maybe pay off your mortgage and secure trusts for your children/stepchild. And then it may well have all gone after a nice holiday or two!

A room fee isn’t a care fee.
I might have expected a large inheritance myself but it’s going on care fees. You never know what like throws up.
If any of them need care they will have to pay for it if they’ve over about £23K.
Anyway, just don’t discuss it with anyone. And be on your guard.

Set up a trust fund for each of the children, invest in ISA’s, get some premium bonds, have some nice family holidays and do any jobs. Needed on the house. Don’t worry what they think. If they ask just say vaguely that you have invested lots for the children

Not in Australia as she is.

If the wider family are decent people, I’m sure they’ll be really pleased for you. I am, and I don’t know you. I would prepare a standard line to churn out if it comes up…’well after years of struggling financially, I can’t say it won’t make things easier. I’m so grateful to Dad / Mum for this help, I want to sort out the mortgage and debts and set up DS in a little house. When I think of me and him in that council house when I was 17, Ibrralise how far we have come.’

People get shitty when wills are unjust, but you’re an only child which massively helps. Aunties, cousins and nephews aren’t usually the obvious beneficiaries in wills, but immediate offspring are. You are the natural person for this money to go to. Enjoy it, be discreet, people don’t like extravagance, so fuck it, go on a 15 grand holiday if you want, but tell the family ‘oh we’re just getting a bit of sun, nothing flash.’

I’d second the not discussing it with people;

but I would also be thinking why did all these wealthy people watch me struggle all those years!

Are you anticipating that someone will kick off about the will? I’ve seen a family completely fall apart as a result of greed when it came to inheritance. Money makes some people behave very strangely. They were a nightmare though, so if it wasn’t the money that caused the rift, it would have been something else.

In your case, the decision has already been made. Your family member has chosen to gift this money to you and it’s nobody else’s business what you do with your money. You haven’t done anything wrong and you shouldn’t feel guilty or worried about potential backlash. Your family and friends should be happy for you.

Ah, sorry, hadn’t clocked that..

That's fantastic. But you're right to find it all a bit overwhelming.

Don't discuss it with your cousins or aunties. You're an only child and presumably it's through your parents or grandparents. They chose to give it to you and it's nobody else's business.

Fuck em. I inherited at age 19 and bought my first flat. My lodger expected to pay minimal rent because I had 'more' than her. Expect I didn't did I? Cos I'd been a young carer for 5 years and I didn't have my parent who died horrifically. People say don't talk about money but it's obvious anyway. Just develop thick skin. And don't be penny pinching. I will never forget the multi millionaires who left me to pay their dinner bill. And then did the same to a friend on the breadline.

They will likely be aware, that at some point you were/are likely to inherit a fair bit of money.

What you should do is get your head around the idea you are no longer poor. Do not try to fill a lifetime of life being hard due to being poor with finding life hard because you worry your family might dislike you because you no longer are.

The people I would not tell are your work colleagues.

And just to add, the money is yours. Any pleas for a little bit of help etc do not listen to. Having the money will be too new to you. You need time to get used to having it. Don’t gift it away to anyone who taps you for money.

Yep, Mums savings were deleted at £7k a month very quickly due to dementia care. I'm waiting for probate but will receive considerably less than was envisaged when my parents made their Wills. I don't begrudge my Mum benefitting from care in her last 14 months plus the £35k that went into regular respite weeks before she moved into care, but feel that it's something to bear in mind. She was warm, clothed and fed and looked after well which is everything but the price was eye watering.

Speak to a financial advisor when you get some money. Immediately put it into a National Savings and Investments account, where it will be safe.

Tell no one else. Enjoy.

If you want to retire at 55 you need to put a good chunk of the money aside for that. I suggest you get a financial adviser who will guide you through what to do with the money aside pay off your mortgage. I believe you and DH can both pay 100% of your salary into a SIPP each year plus 20k into an ISA. Plus ISAs for the children. You might also want to get a rental property to give you regular income but also positive equity over time. There will still be enough for cars and a holiday, but sound financial planning is the way to go.

No need to discuss any of this with relatives. They will get theirs later in life from their parents.

@ABriefInquiryInToOnlineRelationships As a pp pointed out from what you have said you are about to lose a parent, I am sorry.

The fact that you have written this post thinking about others shows you are a thoughtful person. No one should begrudge you the first or other inheritances as they always involve loss. You do not seem the type to go around bragging about your inheritance so I would not expect anyone to begrudge you inheriting.

Remember the grief cycle affects everyone differently so take your time to decide what to do with your inheritance.

The personal finance flow chart is helpful to prioritise but also set out options to research. https://flowchart.ukpersonal.finance

My advice is you said your DH is public sector but isn’t in the pension scheme - get him to join asap. It’s a good scheme and long term he needs his own pension. One thing most couples don’t factor in is they both need a pension as normally one dies first and if they have the bigger pension the survivor can find their income drops considerably as they have a small pension.

The second is to think about tax on savings interest. £500k at 4% is £20k of which £19k is taxable. ISAs and SIPPs can legitimately avoid tax.

As you say paying off your mortgage is a sensible step and has the benefit of increasing your disposable income. Your other suggestions also seem sensible.

The third priority is Wills and LPAs. You mention a disabled child, you may find MENCAP has useful advice.

The point I was making is that a million does not go as far as you seem to think.

So you are getting more inheritance because your parent died young? Not something to be jealous of.

Its a nice amount of money, will make you a lot more comfortable but not exactly private jet level.