Lost all trust with DS age 15. How do I deal with this? I can’t keep him in forever.

[sunshinehappydays]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s quite outing. I’ll keep this as brief as I can but would love some advice for others that have dealt with this as the situation is getting all of us down.
My DS age 15 has always been easygoing, not moody and did well at school. These past 6 months have been a challenge.
Around Christmas I found a box of nicotine pouches in his bedroom when I was tidying. I didn’t even know what these things are but they look pretty awful! When we confronted him he said he was sorry, just doing it to fit in with his friends etc etc.
I had a bad feeling so I snooped on his phone. Maybe I shouldn’t have but it’s done now! I saw videos of him-
•taking nicotine pouches in school two days after we caught him with a box at home
• vaping at a pal’s sleepover
•drinking Maddog 20/20 at a pal’s sleepover
•drinking Buckfast at a pal’s sleepover
•taking nicotine pouches while away for a two night holiday with another friend.
It was awful seeing my DS do all of this. We all
spoke about it. He was crying, said he was sorry and after a long time speaking we said he would have to work very hard to regain our trust. He didn’t meet up with friends for months after that.
He asked to meet friends in town last weekend and we finally relented making sure we tracked him on his phone. While he was away my DH found two more boxes of nicotine pouches in his room with a manufacturing date of Feb this year so obviously bought recently.
How do we deal with this? I have no problems coming down hard on him but I wonder if he’ll just work harder to cover up anything he gets up to. I can’t ground him forever. He’s also right in the middle of his exams so I’m reluctant to so anything that will affect him studying.
The situation is really getting me down. I’m spiralling and thinking he’s going to end up getting in real trouble. He’s really grumpy too as if it’s our fault!

I honestly don't understand the number of pp who come out with the speil that children drinking and being addicted to nicotine is normal teenage behaviour.

It's not normal. There are laws about alcohol and nicotine prohibiting their sale to children for a reason: because these substances are particularly harmful on the developing brains and bodies of children.

OP is very right to be concerned about her DS self harming in this way. Any parent who cares about their child's welfare and future would be concerned.

And doing something just to fit in with friends is also very concerning. At what point does he actually get drawn into even more harmful behaviour just to fit in with friends. Being a sheep isn't clever. It's downright dangerous.

What do you think the word normal means in this context?

Tell me you have younger kids without telling me you have younger kids.

No I don't have younger children. I have a DS who is now an adult.
There were undoubtedly a few of his contemporaries, who smoked, and possibly drank alcohol , and possibly did drugs. But none in the social group he mixed with at age 15. And there were very few at his school.
The ones who did smoke were generally the ones from troubled back grounds who had actually already been excluded from their previous schools.

I think children need adult guidance and input and support in their teenage years and I fail to understand parents who just say drinking and smoking is normal for a child.

I don't think it matters what he says. As adults we know that nicotine is addictive, and its possible that he is, even if he doesn't want to admit it - 'addiction' has very negative connotations, and he probably has an image of it that doesn't fit him. If he 'needs' it every 3 or 4 days, that will eventually become more frequent. Most heavy smokers didn't start off as heavy smokers - they probably thought they were just smoking because they wanted to, and then realised too late that they actually couldn't stop.

Something being normal (normal in this context meaning often the case, commonplace, etc) doesnt mean it's ok. It doesnt mean you add a litre of white lightening and 20 Lambert and Butler to the weekly shop.

It just means these are among the things it is quite likely you will have to navigate with teenagers and how you handle it matters.

My parents used to say the same as you. Not many, none of my friends, I would never. Truth was there were loads, yes my friends were and hell yes I did. I am 52 and my mum still doesnt know half the shit i got up to.

We arent there to be our teens pal or to tell them it's ok to do what they are doing but we do have to be realistic and stay a safe person that they can always come to.

I wouldn't be going through his room. I haven't ever snooped on my daughters. We talk about stuff, they had both true alcohol at fifteen, one was clubbing with a fake ID at seventeen, it's what teenagers do. You said yourself you did it, how would you of felt if your parents went through your things. He's got to figure things out for himself. You're hardly giving the environment in which he can trust you or talk about any of these things. I think it's unforgivable to go through his things. It's a teenagers job to rebel, test boundaries and break away from their parents.

With respect, you sound oblivious and naive.

My mum (who I am very close to and see most days) still has absolutely no clue what I was up to and the scrapes I and my friends got in to at 15.

The op isn't asking what the risks of experimentation with alcohol, tobacco and nicotine are. No one here is advocating for teenagers to be given all these things and supported to use them. What everyone is talking about is how to navigate the very tricky and high stakes parenting conundrum that comes with this territory.

The end goal of parenting teens is to get them to adulthood safely and with your relationships intact. It's not solely about you clearly expressing your views on their behaviour and them behaving exactly as you would wish to in each and every moment.

You are absolutely living in lala land if you think you never knew teens who drank, smoked and took part in early sexual experimentation. Sadly, more likely, you were around them and they could never talk about it with you.

Honestly my mum thought I was an angel, she would be on here arguing that I would never do anything like that....meanwhile I was having sex in fields and getting pissed every weekend whilst 'having a sleepover' at jennys House 🙈🙈🙈

Ha my friends now are the opposite. They assume the worst! One friend who had a challenging older dd told me our dds (her younger dd and my dd 17/18) were buying drugs while I was away! I gently asked dd who thought it was hilarious. They had met up with a troubled dd of another friend of ours who is into drugs as they felt sorry for her. As dd said “ I would never do drugs I’m too scared and I’m saving my money for my holiday”. She drinks though I know that.

Patronising much.

I have a teen and he knows that behaviour is unacceptable and his mates aren’t doing it either. My instinct on here is there are a cohort of 40/50 something year old women who were shagging about whilst pissed at 13. They seem completely convinced it was normal, because their mates were doing it too. It was never normal even if it was in your cohort/community.

Or they do and their kids are likely doing the same but better at not getting caught. Because everyone's teen is an angel amd wouldnt possibly every drink or smoke. Its kinda a right of passage whether we like it or not. We all done it, including the OP, so why do today's parents get shocked??