Lost all trust with DS age 15. How do I deal with this? I can’t keep him in forever.

[sunshinehappydays]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s quite outing. I’ll keep this as brief as I can but would love some advice for others that have dealt with this as the situation is getting all of us down.
My DS age 15 has always been easygoing, not moody and did well at school. These past 6 months have been a challenge.
Around Christmas I found a box of nicotine pouches in his bedroom when I was tidying. I didn’t even know what these things are but they look pretty awful! When we confronted him he said he was sorry, just doing it to fit in with his friends etc etc.
I had a bad feeling so I snooped on his phone. Maybe I shouldn’t have but it’s done now! I saw videos of him-
•taking nicotine pouches in school two days after we caught him with a box at home
• vaping at a pal’s sleepover
•drinking Maddog 20/20 at a pal’s sleepover
•drinking Buckfast at a pal’s sleepover
•taking nicotine pouches while away for a two night holiday with another friend.
It was awful seeing my DS do all of this. We all
spoke about it. He was crying, said he was sorry and after a long time speaking we said he would have to work very hard to regain our trust. He didn’t meet up with friends for months after that.
He asked to meet friends in town last weekend and we finally relented making sure we tracked him on his phone. While he was away my DH found two more boxes of nicotine pouches in his room with a manufacturing date of Feb this year so obviously bought recently.
How do we deal with this? I have no problems coming down hard on him but I wonder if he’ll just work harder to cover up anything he gets up to. I can’t ground him forever. He’s also right in the middle of his exams so I’m reluctant to so anything that will affect him studying.
The situation is really getting me down. I’m spiralling and thinking he’s going to end up getting in real trouble. He’s really grumpy too as if it’s our fault!

What he is doing is not ok.
But. Don't become someone he can't come to for help. If he's addicted to nicotine that probably explains the grumpiness. I was smoking roll ups at that age and became the bitch queen from hell if I couldn't sneak out for one.

Ideally you would say stop and he would.

But this is reality not ideal-ity. So you have to be able to talk to him about staying safe, knowing his limits, maybe have a code word for when he wants you to phone him and demand he comes home cos of an emergency if he finds himself in a situation that scares him but he is too under the peer pressure thumb to say no.

I was smoking, drinking, having sex in parks and taking drugs as a teen and the last thing you want is to be a parent that he can't come to.

Im not saying its ok to do all those things. Of course its not. Teens shouldnt do them but the reality is that they do and unless you handcuff them to you until they're adults you cant stop them. But you can guide them, support them and hopefully keep them from the worst of it

Btw, my parents used to proudly say how I wouldn't dare do all those things (that i was doing), I was too good and simply wouldn't dream of it. They would never allow it and what on earth were the parents thinking.

Ha.

So pot and kettle. Hes a teenager..... 20/20, buckfast, its not like hes round the back of the coop shooting up crack.

@JacknDiane absolutely not! I love that he sees his pals and is independent. They seem to all be nice kids. He’s only staying in at the moment as he’s in the middle of exams.

@Error404FucksNotFound thanks so much. I’m going to screenshot your post and read it often! I was doing all the things you said too and got into a lot of personal trouble. I still managed to get to uni and now have a professional job that no one would imagine I got up to nonsense! Maybe I wanted better for my DS. Maybe it’s giving me flashbacks of all the scrapes I got into. Don’t know but thanks for taking the time to reply.

You actually sound like you’re doing a really good job as it is.

All young people experiment with smoking and things sooner rather than later.

I would tactically ignore this behaviour and wait to come down harder if he ends up doing anything worse.
If you are too strict it will just push him into doing things further.

I would encourage health and fitness like encouraging him to join the gym etc but just remember that this is just temporary and he’ll come out of the other side just fine.

Also tell him that you don’t want him drinking or doing drugs but that he can call you at any time and be picked up or tell you anything and he won’t get in trouble.

I have always said this to my teen.
Of course I don’t want her drinking etc but if she ever does and feels unsafe or unwell then I will always pick her up and she won’t be in trouble over it.

Why??
He's a 15 year old boy. Of course he's not going to make good choices! And he's not too young to have a drink with friends, don't be silly

I basically done the same (well the equivalent) when I was 15. My parents found out by reading my diary. That invasion of privacy built up the resentment the most and fractured our relationship for longer than needed. You really shouldn’t have looked at his phone, you might found it’s put a bigger fracture in your relationship with him that you currently realise

@RoseField1I don’t think I’m being silly. You can’t buy alcohol until you are 18 for a reason.

You think he shouldn't drink until he's 18?

You're overreacting. All teens push the boundaries and don't tell their parents everything they're up to. What he has done is very mild in comparison to a lot of other 15 year olds. He is not going to come to you when/if he gets in serious trouble when you are coming down hard on him, crying and saying you can't trust him after normal teenage behaviour.

How does your dh think it should be handled?

You need to give your head a big wobble - he’s a normal teenager! You must live in an alternative reality - feel sorry for your son. I’m late 40s and me and all my friends smoked and drank at 15 - we all went on to have graduate professions and aren’t drug addicts. Not surprised he lied if your reaction to this is so extreme.

Meh. I smoked and drank rather a lot at 15! I don’t smoke at all now, haven’t for decades and I drink (decent wine only!) within recommended limits. I do remember getting shitfaced on Maddog though!
For what it’s worth op, as an adult, I am a decent, honest, loyal person. I am also a top 0.5% earner. A bit of experimentation is normal and won’t kill him.

Rugby is a risky sport. Probably more harmful than a bit of booze.

DD has a small glass of fizz with family probably about once a month.

I think you’re getting some harsh replies.

I was drinking alcohol, taking drugs and having sex as a teen. I also got pregnant as a teen - that doesn’t make it ok.

Of course you’re not going to want your son getting himself in vulnerable situations at such a young age and you have every right to be worried.
Its called being a good mum.

But if a teen wants to, they will find a way and being too strict can have the opposite effect.

Teens are difficult because of this balancing act where you know better for them but also want them to enjoy their independence.

So how did uou get yours before you were 18 @sunshinehappydays?

Cos you 100% drunk before 18!!

Maddog 20/20, wow that takes me back! 😆
I used to have 2 litres of lambrini and a litre of cheap bailys on a Friday night and my friend would have the 20/20, it was so completely normal but now I would be horrified!
I agree with everyone that we all used to do it BUT we also would of been in trouble if we got caught so I do think he needs a punishment...but...it wont make him stop.
You just take your punishment and hope to not get caught again, teenagers!

If he's addicted to nicotine that probably explains the grumpiness.

I'm 71, still smoke and am as cheery as fuck.

We found vapes at 15. Fortunately dd was away that weekend and we had an evening with older and wiser parents. I would have gone nuclear 90s parent style but after talking to them we totally changed our approach.

Honestly? It’s really not that bad. We did a serious “we are disappointed you did this this is not how we are in our family we have given you lots of freedom it’s bad that you’ve abused our trust”. She was upset and apologised. Relationship preserved. Point made. She gave up vaping (confirmed by our spies).

Then a properly bad thing happened and we were able to deal with it together because we had not lost our shit over the small stuff.

@CluelessInMyGarden My DS plays rugby too. I also wouldn’t mind giving him a beer with us every few weeks. However he would drink the beer with us and still go out and drink with friends. Just because you give your kids booze at home doesn’t stop them wanting to drink with friends.

I work with older teens many that aren’t into drinking and are massively into the gym take coke. Can’t train hung over but can train after using drugs.

Honestly I think I’d be trying to keep better channels of communication rather than going draconian. I’d not be happy with some of his choices but I don’t think I’d go nuclear or anywhere near it.

As a fellow mum of a 15yo - solidarity. Mines nearly 16 but has tried weed, had (very) underage sex and self harmed. He’s had a solidly boring upbringing and goes to a nice school, but here we are. I think you can only try to do a couple of things - keep communication open, try to keep his trust, be mindful of his mental health. Having watched mine struggle with the latter Im not keen on anything that alienates him from his peer group, which did jump out about yours not seeing friends for months. It’s bloody hard, we just have to keep being a reliable presence for them.

You stop creating an environment where he has to lie. You have to have open and honest conversations that aren’t about punishments and being angry. You need to trust him but he needs to trust you with his choices.

It’s really not that bad
allow Him go be open with you
and be safe at the same time