Lost all trust with DS age 15. How do I deal with this? I can’t keep him in forever.

[sunshinehappydays]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s quite outing. I’ll keep this as brief as I can but would love some advice for others that have dealt with this as the situation is getting all of us down.
My DS age 15 has always been easygoing, not moody and did well at school. These past 6 months have been a challenge.
Around Christmas I found a box of nicotine pouches in his bedroom when I was tidying. I didn’t even know what these things are but they look pretty awful! When we confronted him he said he was sorry, just doing it to fit in with his friends etc etc.
I had a bad feeling so I snooped on his phone. Maybe I shouldn’t have but it’s done now! I saw videos of him-
•taking nicotine pouches in school two days after we caught him with a box at home
• vaping at a pal’s sleepover
•drinking Maddog 20/20 at a pal’s sleepover
•drinking Buckfast at a pal’s sleepover
•taking nicotine pouches while away for a two night holiday with another friend.
It was awful seeing my DS do all of this. We all
spoke about it. He was crying, said he was sorry and after a long time speaking we said he would have to work very hard to regain our trust. He didn’t meet up with friends for months after that.
He asked to meet friends in town last weekend and we finally relented making sure we tracked him on his phone. While he was away my DH found two more boxes of nicotine pouches in his room with a manufacturing date of Feb this year so obviously bought recently.
How do we deal with this? I have no problems coming down hard on him but I wonder if he’ll just work harder to cover up anything he gets up to. I can’t ground him forever. He’s also right in the middle of his exams so I’m reluctant to so anything that will affect him studying.
The situation is really getting me down. I’m spiralling and thinking he’s going to end up getting in real trouble. He’s really grumpy too as if it’s our fault!

Agree with dusk. It’s the only way.

Try being 15 and gasping for a fag but unable to get hold of one all day then come back and tell me how cheerful you are.

It was bloody awful.

Also remember nicotine is addictive - telling him not to do it, won't stop him now. It's like telling a heavy smoker to just stop. You will need proper advice about helping him to stop.

@YourWildAmberSloth he thinks I’m crazy when I suggest he might be addicted to nicotine pouches. He said he only had one every 3 or 4 days so no way he’s addicted. Don’t know whether to believe him or not.

Kids do daft stuff. I was 14 when my mum found out I was smoking with my friends 😂I was robbing lighters out of the kitchen cupboard and then she found a box of L&B in my pocket.
She already knew I had the occasional drink.

My mum went down the “I’m very disappointed in you” thing and although I did carry on smoking for a bit longer, it sort of lost its appeal in the end.
It wasn’t really fun anymore once I got the “disappointed” line 😁

I only started it because all my mates were smoking.

I get you. I've felt it too.

But, I would never go through their phones or search their rooms. I think you need to stop that pronto. I also wouldn't ground a teen or stop them socialising. Look at all the threads here from parents desperate to get their dc out if their rooms and having real life friends!

It is less than ideal and of course reiterate re dangers and addiction and expectations and the law etc. But also it is very age normal and not overly awful.

I read mine the 'Call Me' poem by Hollie McNish when I suspect they're off doing something I would say not to!

https://www.holliepoetry.com/shop/p/call-me-print-hollie-mcnish

You’ve lost trust with him because he’s doing what typical teenagers do but you snooped on his phone? What a complete invasion of privacy. I’d be more concerned that he didn’t see his friends for months after being found out about nicotine patches than anything else

@sunshinehappydays you’ve grounded him for months? unable to see friends?
You're being way over the top, controlling parents never win.

Agree the grounding is way over the top.

My thread title is probably misleading. We haven’t grounded him. He’s been studying for his exams since March so hasn’t been out much since he started.

It really wouldn’t. Teenagers already find their parents embarrassing and uncool. This suggestion would have completely the opposite effect. They never think bad things are going to happen to them so would just eye-roll at you.

It’s not misleading, you said it yourself he was crying and sorry, you told him it’ll take a while for him to build up your trust again, he didn’t go out for months then you finally relented while making sure you tracked his location. I think you are trying to back track now because of how insane you sound. I’m not trying to be hurtful but I think you need to hear it straight - both you and you husbands reactions to this have been wholly over the top. Parents need to realise that children don’t stay children forever , if you want a good relationship with you son when he’s an adult (in just a few years) you need to stop being so controlling. You have lost your sons trust

This sounds like normal teenage behaviour.

Try and have open conversations, so they communicate with you and will call if they need to.

I probably wouldn't have said you were disappointed in him. Like you're ashamed. That's going to be hard for him.
Just be upbeat for now on, hug him and say he's amazing. Start fresh.

I wouldn’t like it but it’s pretty tame stuff. Don’t alienate him from you, or his friends, assuming they are nice kids? I’d be more concerned about their values as people than a bit of experimentation. Better do it now than to leave it all till uni etc, when you’re not there to help if needed.

Aw god! Scotland here too 👋. My laddie will be 14 in 3 months, im absolutely shittin it. So far he is computer daft, never goes out and when he does its not for long with his wee pal from up the road.
I just think of the buckfast/md.And thank god fruits unlimited and thunderbird are not available..along with white lightning (gut rot).

Anyone got a loan of a Heather shimmer lippy? Lost mine. 🤭.

It will be fine..we are all fine aren't we? And I bet we all had a few white lies to our parents 🤫🤭. Mine are just coming out now and im 44! My dad's like 😱😱😱...I only said Marc bolan was a hottie and t rex were a great band. 🤭.

A better sneaky, sneaker was... my next door neighbour was quite a big rave dj. I used to go and get tapes ( back in the day) he would make them up for me Bizarre Inc, utah saints. Secret 2 draws of a joint. Im still alive and kickin ( simple minds) great tune.

I fully agree, totally thought this out aw night.
I absolutely wouldn't want my near 14 in the hoose alone for half an hour ( hes a really good lad, but we would have bugger all left to eat, he is at the munching stage so nope.

How on earth is monitoring the phone of a 15 yr old, which the parent pays for 'snooping'?
The condition of having a phone should be that the parent can look at it at any time.
No wonder children are being groomed/looking at porn/suicide/ED sites to a catastrophic degree when some parents don't take the responsibility of parenting seriously.
OP you are doing the right thing.

We had (lovely middle class hands on devoted parents) friends whose teens went absolutely wild for a few years. They laughed when I solemnly told them about the vaping and told me how they dreamed of that being the worst issue. Put it in perspective.

15 was definitely the normal age for kids to start drinking with friends round here. It’s completely normal OP, doesn’t make it easy for you because he’s still your boy - but he’s doing okay!

You have got this back to front. The question you should be asking is how can he trust you?

Teengers make mistakes, your job is to guide and mentor them, and be a place of safety they can come to if they get out their depth. You don’t have to agree with what he is doing, share your concerns and how he can be safer - tell him not to overdo drinking, if anyone is ill phone for help and deal with consequences later etc.

The phone would be gone as a first port of call. Fuck that .

Agreed. My teen understands the phone is his (it was a gift) but the SIM is ours. If he wanted to Billy Big Balls around the place and expect ting full privacy he can pay his own phone network.

Just get him through his GCSE’s. My DS had a wobble at about this age, but he came through it and has a wonderful life now, I’m very proud of him.
Trust that he knows right from wrong, because you taught him well, and he will come right in the end.
When his exams are over encourage a PT job so that he has less time to spend with these friends,