Newbies' corner
My wife has changed her mind about wanting children
helpandadviceneeded2022 · 25/09/2022 14:14
I’m new to this so please be gentle. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it as all our friends and family I do not want to involve
my partner is 27 and I am 39. We’ve been together for 5 years and married for 1. Were both women.
we had the children talk long before marriage and both decided we didn’t want children.
in the last month my wife has said she now thinks she’s changed her mind over the past few months and wants to know if it’s a possibility for me.
now it was a shock il admit that but I have been thinking about it but obviously can’t make that decision in a few days. Needless to say because I can’t instantly make that decision my wife’s moved out to have some space to think. Firstly this worries me as you don’t run away? Also worries me as if you run over this what else will you run from?
she has decided that as I said no years ago, and have always said no that it’s going to be a no and that if I changed my mind it would be for her which she won’t allow
now for me I am confused as my biological clock is ticking so the likelihood of ever giving birth is gone, realistically and this confuses me as if it was spoke about this way years ago maybe I could have frozen eggs or such like
now as we’re women it would be ivf, which is expensive and may not work… what if we couldn’t afford it as it took 10 cycles or just didn’t work not to mention the pain and emotional turmoil
there's also fostering and adoption. I’m looking into all avenues and at present adoption sticks out for me as I feel we could give a child a loving home but I need more time to think, I want to be financially secure for any child which at the moment we are not .
my wife won’t speak to me with this space, and I am at a loss of how to move forward. I surely can’t sit at home moping and staring out the window for weeks on end
any advice is welcome. Ideally not harsh as this is for advice not a lecture
Needmorelego · 25/09/2022 14:23
You posted about this the other day.
So have you now decided you would like to have children?
If yes you need to talk to her about why you have changed your mind. What do you see children would bring to your life. What you think would change, what wouldn't, what parts of parenthood you like the sound of, what part of it scares you (parenthood scares every parent).
You need to make her believe you are doing this for you as much for her.
As for the making babies part. I don't have experience in this method but I know many lesbian couples have gone for the low budget (compared to IVF) of getting sperm from either a sperm bank or a close male friend and doing the whole 'turkey baster' style method.
helpandadviceneeded2022 · 25/09/2022 14:28
Violettaa · 25/09/2022 14:20
You posted about this recently, what’s changed?
I have only just joined today so don't understand what you mean
Needmorelego · 25/09/2022 14:30
@helpandadviceneeded2022 this is almost exactly the same as a post from the other day. Are you sure you didn't post before. Because it's a massive coincidence if you didn't.
helpandadviceneeded2022 · 25/09/2022 14:31
Needmorelego · 25/09/2022 14:30
@helpandadviceneeded2022 this is almost exactly the same as a post from the other day. Are you sure you didn't post before. Because it's a massive coincidence if you didn't.
No, I've only just found this website today after spending far too much time googling and thought it would be better to speak to people who maybe had similar experiences
Violettaa · 25/09/2022 14:32
In that case your story is remarkably similar to this one.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/family_planning/4639623-i-dont-want-children-but-my-wife-does
Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 14:38
Violettaa · 25/09/2022 14:32
In that case your story is remarkably similar to this one.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/family_planning/4639623-i-dont-want-children-but-my-wife-does
Massive coincidence, even down to the ages !
helpandadviceneeded2022 · 25/09/2022 14:42
Violettaa · 25/09/2022 14:32
In that case your story is remarkably similar to this one.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/family_planning/4639623-i-dont-want-children-but-my-wife-does
Very! Thank you it was interesting to read
Underroad · 25/09/2022 14:53
She was 22 when you got together. That is ever so young and I’m not surprised that she’s changed her mind about children between then and now as many women do between their early and late 20s. It really comes down to whether you love each other enough to make that massive change in your lives together.
SoupDragon · 25/09/2022 14:56
Violettaa · 25/09/2022 14:32
In that case your story is remarkably similar to this one.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/family_planning/4639623-i-dont-want-children-but-my-wife-does
It's not "remarkably similar" it"s identical 😂
Underroad · 25/09/2022 14:58
I will say, though, that I have seen a fair few lesbian relationships where one partner wants children and the other doesn’t and they either adopt or go through ivf and the partner who didn’t want children then disappears, leaving the other partner with all of the childcare, or at least the vast majority of it.
Of course, this happens on straight relationships too, but many people seem to think that it won’t in female sex sex relationships because women are supposedly naturally nurturing. But not all of them are and some shouldn’t be parents. If you suspect that you are one of these women, please don’t put your wife and a child through that.
(I am a gay female too before everyone jumps on me - this is what I have seen in my friend groups, not a wild assumption. I have also seen several same sex relationships where both partners are excellent parents together and have a happy family, but it is not a given and in my experience only when both were 100% on board in the first place).
Ihatethenewlook · 25/09/2022 15:03
It’s definitely the same person but she changed a few details because she came across as really twattish and ended up getting a load of abuse.
Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 15:03
now it was a shock il admit that but I have been thinking about it but obviously can’t make that decision in a few days. Needless to say because I can’t instantly make that decision my wife’s moved out to have some space to think. Firstly this worries me as you don’t run away? Also worries me as if you run over this what else will you run from
This is very immature of her and a red flag to me . Stamping her feet and running off because she hasn't got an immediate answer, I'd be wary of having children with someone like this .
SplendidUtterly · 25/09/2022 15:04
SoupDragon · 25/09/2022 14:56
It's not "remarkably similar" it"s identical 😂
Violettaa · 25/09/2022 14:32
In that case your story is remarkably similar to this one.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/family_planning/4639623-i-dont-want-children-but-my-wife-does
This happens A LOT on MN.
Sometimes I question my own sanity when I notice it.
For example I read a post on here the other night
Low and behold 2 days later the same story got posted again.....with a few minor adjustments of course!
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2022 15:07
The fact she’s gone, and says even if you change your mind ‘for her’ it won’t be ok, makes me wonder if she’s met someone else.
joan12 · 25/09/2022 15:13
Please don't consider adopting a child in your current situation. This child will already have been through trauma and extensive loss. Any child will test and put strain on the strongest of relationships. You both need to be rock solid to consider this; as you say, to run off from difficult discussions is a red flag as there will be plenty of these if you have children, whether by IVF or adoption.
basilmint · 25/09/2022 15:15
I agree with the fact that at 34 you would have had plenty of time to consider whether you wanted children but 22 is too young for that decision to be made.
However, if she doesn't want to stay with you if you don't want kids but won't allow you to change your mind "for her" it doesn't seem like she's giving the relationship any chance to continue.
scarletisjustred · 25/09/2022 15:54
Why on earth are you talking about IVF? IVF is for people who have trouble conceiving or have some genetic condition they are screening out. What you'd need is artificial insemination which is a great deal cheaper. I can't understand your wife saying that you'd only be changing your mind for her. What does she expect. My husband agreed to have children to please me - it doesn't mean he loves them any less.
whynotwhatknot · 25/09/2022 16:18
sounds like shes using it as an excuse to leave-she doesnt even want to talk about it
Hearthnhome · 25/09/2022 16:24
I don’t think it does mean they are looking for an excuse to leave.
If op has always been adamant they don’t want kids it could well be that her wife knows she REALLY doesn’t and to have them would end up with resentment and problems.
Could be that the wife is leaving for other reasons. But also could be that they know deep down Op will end up resenting her.
Its impossible for us to tell.
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