Lazy 'full time mum'

[danield]

Hi, we have a son, just turned 3.

Wife has never had a paid job nor is interested, so we agreed we would do it the traditional way, full-time home mum and loving wife, and I work to support everyone.

I am totally comfortable with this, and I think it beats pre-three year old nursery costs. My issue is I don't think she is doing her 'full-time mummy' job.

She is happy to let him watch TV for 8 to 12 hours a day. She will usually watch with him, but most likely be playing with a phone and not really engaging with anything he is watch.

The house is usually a mess and I prefer things a bit (but not obsessively) at least put back in their place.

She does not make her bed and clothes are left everywhere, at least she does not sleep with her dirty clothes on/in the bed anymore.

I've begged her to get out of the house and make some friends. Or we can put him in nursery a bit more than the 2 afternoons per week and she get a little job. She gave up this idea after a few failed interview.

We tried morning nursery sessions but found she couldn't usually get him there on time, even though the nursery was very literally 5 minutes walk. Often the morning session was a waste of money.

Yes she struggles to get up in the morning. I saw posts about mums worrying they are too lazy for breakfast but only give banana and yogurts in the morning. What? You actually get up? Breakfast? And I suppose you even get dressed and dress him in the morning too.? :O

My son seems to be smart and I try to spend as much time with him as possible, but not easy managing the wife, the house, all paperwork, and a demanding full-time job with lots of overtime.

I just think and wish she should do more. I have tried to talking with her, and sometimes it helps, at least for a few days. And then things revert back to normal.

She does not care about being even slightly orderly. For example dirty nappies (not even in bags, which are in her bedside draw) can stay in her room for days at end. I am fed up of having to step over them and often will bin them myself just because I don't like that she and my son sleep with them around. Sometimes I try to leave some in the doorway so its more obvious. Sometimes she may then notice, but not always. PS this explains why we don't sleep in the same room.

Just so I am not being overly basis, here are some plus points:

• She does cook evening meals (not always though), we eat out 1-3 times a week.
• In the last year or so she can load the dishwasher, sometimes empty it (so some progress there)
• Also in the last year she now gets dressed before 11am.
• She can now order food online if I am too busy to go to the supermarkets
• She studied BSc Preschool Education (although she said she never wants to use it again after working as an unpaid trainee for a year), but it helps in some ways with our son.

..ALL of which I am VERY grateful for and in some way makes up for other lazy areas, but after 6 years, its been a long journey to get this far.

And just to clarify she is a healthy 27 year old, and these problems have been with us for years.

We now have a second on the way, which was not so planned consider we struggle in every way (not just financially) with just one. So I want to seek help now.

I am ambitious with my career so we have not had problems in the past, but recently the there have been a lot of interference which caused issues with my work and at this rate I am very tempted to sell the house and car, quit the job, apply for a council house and just be a great dad. (not sure what to do with the wife at this point, other than support her through the pregnancy).

You sound like you're depressing the fuck out of her.
You picked the dirty nappies up, wohoo go you dad of the year!

Not sure why some people insist reading only want they want to read and then making some obscure conclusion.

Thank you RebelRogue for clarifying. Yes a bit of a grammar mistake in a critical sentence, but obvious if you read between the other lines.

She USED to have depression. But I mean if there is a problem, like dirty nappies around her bed or missing expensive morning nursery sessions while I am at work, then somehow its my fault. Of course its always the mans fault, I accept this actually. And I am not being sarcastic! Its one of the more difficult lessons a man has to learn to make a long term relationship work.

I accept I should look after her more, but like I said she is fit and healthy and she is happy. It is frustrating that she is so dependant on me and due to me being in work I can't always be around for her and my son, which is what I believe would solve everything.

I am just asking if there is any help with consideration to actually surviving given the situation.

Actually I'd rather spend 100% with my son and let her go to work, as I know I'd be a great SAHD, which I have proved at weekends while she is in bed, etc. Like I said I have considered the "benefits" package which allows us all to be together, and quite frankly it looks like the better deal. I know families who have an easier life on such packages, that's for sure, and I think that arrangement would suit my wife.

I respect she at least tried to have interviews for a PT job before she was expecting, but I did have to drag her into it. I think its a case of can't work wont work, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I very much believe CBT could help her as she has burred issues (who doesn't). But from my experience of successfully using CBT you have to be prepared to be totally open to talk about these issues, which she is not.

CBT would unfortunately involve me having to drag her to the GP, filling out the forms for her (as per any of her forms that need completing), and then adding all the sessions to my dairy and dragging her to each of them, and managing work around sessions plus looking after the little around sessions. I don't mind doing this but that's not really how CBT or any self-help works.

This appears to be the life she wants, and she seems happy with it. The mess and laying about texting on the the phone all day and allowing cBeebies TV all day everyday, does not bother her.

So, it just bothers me. My fault right? And yes I get the blame when I try to ask her to try painting with him, colouring, playing toys, instead. All our colouring books, empty. When I have time I give him toy that know he likes that I have hidden for a week or so (so he doesn't get too familiar with it laying around all the time, (thanks baby books) ). But can't keep on top of things like all day while I am working.

I love her and we generally do not argue, and I am patient with her. She rarely goes out, even to the park across the road, or the shop around the corner. She is 100% dependant on me and she knows this, but does not admit it as a problem when I talk about this. If I left her, (which I have considered, but can not do due to what my son, plus the fact that I do love her), then I am believe she would forfeit her life. My only option is to be patient and seek help, which is what I am attempting to do here.

When dealing with GPs or health visitors, its always a happy face and everything is perfect. I mentioned the TV thing and messy environment, her not going out to the health visitor, but I don't think they can do much. They just invite her to the children centre and give her a list and some paperwork, like address and phone numbers which she does not read. I took her to the children centre one day in the hope of encouraging her to go out, its 10 mins walk. Definitely would help if she could make a local friend to go with.

Thank you everyone for your comments, they really help me realise that I need to keep on top of things and that more needs to be done.

She may or may not be depressed, but she does not admit it, nor she interested in self-help or any ambition of self improvement.

I feel stuck in a rut with the whole situation.

Thank you again for help.

I think your attitude is unsympathetic and not helping. You make it sound like taking her to the GP to get help is a massive hassle for you. No wonder she doesn't suggest going again.

Christ, is there really any need to be so nasty?

Op, she needs to go back to the gp and discuss her options, you can't go on like this, its not good for the child /ren and it will break your marriage.

I think she needs to know you're deadly serious that she needs to find help for her depression, or you'll have to look at stopping work/separation.

Best of luck,I hope you both find a way through.

OP, do you do any of the household tasks/childcare together?

It seems you want her to do stuff alone or you do stuff alone. This might seem convenient but it is not very motivating. If you were able to involve her, so you did tasks in her presence, and were able to engage her, even minimally, I really think this might help. It might help motivate her. For example you could cook some new recipes you both like the sound of, all go shopping together and cook together. You could do a children's activity all together. The more you can engage and encourage her to engage the better. At the moment it sounds like she is able disengage, whilst you take over the work completely, at least a the weekends.

OH come on if a woman was(and there have been plenty) on here saying that she has been at work all week,childcare in the evenings and looking after the house and her husband did nothing, he'd be a cocklodger not depressed.

That is not to say OP's wife doesn't need help. But she needs to accept that help and help herself. Maybe she won't,maybe she can't.
OP can't make her better,no matter how nice or understanding he was. All he can do is encourage her to see a doctor.

OP if she actually does, forget about the hassle of getting her through CBT or meds or whatever. That will hopefully only be temporary as hard ir frustrating as it might be, but if it will help her it will all be worth it.

She's 8 months pregnant now, is that right? Has she been like this all the way through and before the pregnancy or is the all-day TV for the 3 year old a recent thing?

You do sound tolerant OP and I know you are trying.

Oh and I must say OP, I did practically nothing, in terms of housework, when I was 8 months pregnant. Or when my DC was a small baby. It can make you feel very tired, especially in the recent heat.

You all read monster, I read man at breaking point

Someone talked about the son being neglected and I have to say I agree with this . Even with the help of the nursery, she couldn't manage. How is she going to cope with a newborn and a toddler at home?

I agree she probably is depressed but she does need to help herself by doing the therapy or taking the drugs, or there will be two very sad children around soon .

Agree with RebelRogue and the other pp that the replies here would be completely different if this was a woman posting about a man.

I agree with the above comments. She is either very depressed or very lazy. What did you love about her when you met? What was she like before you had your child? What has happened the friends she used to have? Look at the process and notice what changes have taken place since you got married. You don't appear to really know much about her personality or have any feeling for her beyond seeing her as some kind of possession which is disappointing you.
Do you go out together in the evenings without your child sometimes? What is she like then? Do you have a good time? Can you talk to each other?
Your description makes you sound like two people who have very little in common. is it any wonder she is down and not coping?

Arrange a lovely evening out , get a babysitter, and TALK to her. Ask her how she is feeling, what she needs. Tell her gently that you have noticed she's finding it hard to keep on top of things and ask her what help you can give EMOTIONALLY. Perhaps some couples counselling would help you both.
If she is really just lazy you have to ask yourself if this is really the person you want to be with, although leaving would obviously cause a lot of upheaval and perhaps you would be worried about your children not being cared for properly. These are things you have to address, but first talk to her and try and understand what is going on for her. Certainly, it is very bad for your child to be sat in front of the the TV all day whilst she stares at her phone, if that is really what is happening.

There is depression and there is neglecting a child. The child should come above her, it clearly doesn't. Abandoning a 3yr old in from of the tv for 8-12 hours a day is not acceptable. She is not fit to be a mother.

And having had depression myself I don't think it is an acceptable excuse for her behaviour when a child is involved.

Just a thought... if she has no friends, what is she doing on her phone all day?

No idea if your wife is depressed or not but your poor child should not be living in squalor with no input into his emotional, creative and educational well being. At three he should be potty training, having books read to him, experiencing the outdoors, colouring, meeting other kids etc. Can he speak well or is he a child who doesn't get the call and response of conversation which is often seen in children who are parked in front of the TV? Is he getting a healthy diet?

I feel very sorry for him and think you must do something. In my mind it is a form of child abuse.

How was your wife coping with life pre children? has this changed.
Does she engage with anyone? - It sounds like someone who is depressed and overwhelmed to me