Lazy 'full time mum'

[danield]

Hi, we have a son, just turned 3.

Wife has never had a paid job nor is interested, so we agreed we would do it the traditional way, full-time home mum and loving wife, and I work to support everyone.

I am totally comfortable with this, and I think it beats pre-three year old nursery costs. My issue is I don't think she is doing her 'full-time mummy' job.

She is happy to let him watch TV for 8 to 12 hours a day. She will usually watch with him, but most likely be playing with a phone and not really engaging with anything he is watch.

The house is usually a mess and I prefer things a bit (but not obsessively) at least put back in their place.

She does not make her bed and clothes are left everywhere, at least she does not sleep with her dirty clothes on/in the bed anymore.

I've begged her to get out of the house and make some friends. Or we can put him in nursery a bit more than the 2 afternoons per week and she get a little job. She gave up this idea after a few failed interview.

We tried morning nursery sessions but found she couldn't usually get him there on time, even though the nursery was very literally 5 minutes walk. Often the morning session was a waste of money.

Yes she struggles to get up in the morning. I saw posts about mums worrying they are too lazy for breakfast but only give banana and yogurts in the morning. What? You actually get up? Breakfast? And I suppose you even get dressed and dress him in the morning too.? :O

My son seems to be smart and I try to spend as much time with him as possible, but not easy managing the wife, the house, all paperwork, and a demanding full-time job with lots of overtime.

I just think and wish she should do more. I have tried to talking with her, and sometimes it helps, at least for a few days. And then things revert back to normal.

She does not care about being even slightly orderly. For example dirty nappies (not even in bags, which are in her bedside draw) can stay in her room for days at end. I am fed up of having to step over them and often will bin them myself just because I don't like that she and my son sleep with them around. Sometimes I try to leave some in the doorway so its more obvious. Sometimes she may then notice, but not always. PS this explains why we don't sleep in the same room.

Just so I am not being overly basis, here are some plus points:

• She does cook evening meals (not always though), we eat out 1-3 times a week.
• In the last year or so she can load the dishwasher, sometimes empty it (so some progress there)
• Also in the last year she now gets dressed before 11am.
• She can now order food online if I am too busy to go to the supermarkets
• She studied BSc Preschool Education (although she said she never wants to use it again after working as an unpaid trainee for a year), but it helps in some ways with our son.

..ALL of which I am VERY grateful for and in some way makes up for other lazy areas, but after 6 years, its been a long journey to get this far.

And just to clarify she is a healthy 27 year old, and these problems have been with us for years.

We now have a second on the way, which was not so planned consider we struggle in every way (not just financially) with just one. So I want to seek help now.

I am ambitious with my career so we have not had problems in the past, but recently the there have been a lot of interference which caused issues with my work and at this rate I am very tempted to sell the house and car, quit the job, apply for a council house and just be a great dad. (not sure what to do with the wife at this point, other than support her through the pregnancy).

Thank you user1498213655, its my impression sometimes, but what should I expect posting on a mumsnet forum.

I have reached out here as I don't know who else to ask. She has more friends than me, but I don't think she is comfortable talking about her problems with them. I think she could meet them more face to face too.

I do feel I, as a Dad need more support, and support for my family. When I see other families managing much more than us, when they have 2 kids and both work full-time, and yet they still managing to keep on top of things it makes me wonder if the SAHM with Dad working FT actually works.

She said she is happy staying at home, but I think anyone would be if they get to stay in bed half the day, and play their mobile for the reset of the time, without worrying about house work other than perhaps popping in a frozen pizza for us at night. Yes this was before she was pregnant.

The deal was I work FT, and clean the floors and help with washing, and cook at weekends. While she looks after our son and tends to the the reset of the house. But when I see my son watching TV, and the house being unattended even very easy things like the nappies, of course anyone would be feeling frustrated surely. So at the end of the day basically one side of the agreement is not being kept.

I agree with the majority of posters that she needs further help. But if she is unwilling to talk to anyone about it (even me at times), then what am I suppose to do. Regarding meds, she can never take them long term, she is incapable of keeping a schedule, even she has reminders on her phone and a white board they just get missed.

SafeToCross, think you hit it on the head too, maybe I should think of myself as a SAHM/D for him, her + the one on the way. I will try to manage my time more and have no expectations or remind/nag her to help with anything.

We have no family, and the few friends we have are also in FT work. He can't get 30 hours nursery as she does not work, so only 15. Childminding is something I will look into. I have my own problems too with a hiatus hernia, anxiety problems, and trying to manage our doer-upper house in time for next months due date (not going to happen).

I was wondering, as a Dad in need with 2 depends going on +1, with NO family or friends support if there is any other support. I can just about get by, but I wont get any paternity due to being a contractor.

Recently we are just getting by, but probably could with home help or something. I can't work even and look after 2/3 people at the same time.

So what I am saying, is I can see a crisis coming. And I am not just panicking because of the due date, its everything else as described too. If there are any practical solutions that may help.

I am considering a weekend job which might cover the extra childcare or childminder during the week, but I am not sure if that would help or if I would have a good work/life balance long term.

I'llask again- what help is she getting now,CBT,therapy, counseling? Medication.

OP- you have the patience of a saint!

I am a SAHM and by husband with go fucking mental if I acted the way your wife does.

She gets no help. She admits she was depressed in the past, but never of course admits its a fault of her own, even though I told her countless times I am not happy with how things are in the last few years. If I try to talk nicely and calmly to her about things that could make things easier then often it results in a harsh silence for the rest of the evening.

She seems to consider the TV a good thing for him, that he learns a lot from it. Although I said yes 2-3 hours might be acceptable, but not the 8+ hour he gets.

I have read lots of baby and mother books, she hates reading, so sometimes I try to read or point out things to her. I trust that she has studied preschool education at University and Montessori training so will accept her suggestions, but somethings like the TV and general lazy attitude seem very contradictory compared to the books. On the plus side he is quite dependant for his age.

Its a slow process, she can be active with him, but usually not for long and not without my reminders.

Do you know if there are any support groups for her or myself?

OP you could contact your local health visiting team. There are schemes (Homestart, I think) which support families.

But I do think it might be helpful to see if she would work with you, when you are together. It might get a routine going. So joint batch cooking, joint cleaning etc. Tasks might not seem so overwhelming if you do them together. Even if she will be in the same room as you whilst you do them and pass you things would be a start.

And of course family activities which you all can be involved in.

Wow, your wife is struggling with mental illness and you see it as an inconvenience. It's not easy for you but try and have some empathy. It's an ILLNESS. Not laziness. Christ.

We are happily married

I think not.

I'd leave you if I were married to such a disparaging judging man.

She admits she was depressed in the past, but never of course admits its a fault of her own

Dear Christ. You are a monster. Please tell your poor wife to leave you asap 😡

Your poor wife, she is depressed and you want her to admit that is her "fault". She must be terrified to discuss anything with someone so dismissive and I can imagine your gently phrased corrections hit her like a tonne of bricks and make her feel increasingly inadequate and hopeless. No it's not easy to live with someone who is depressed but it's much harder to be that depressed person and to feel that the person who should be supporting you most closely is just fed up with you and unwilling to help.

OP - maybe I misread. Is your wife currently diagnosed with depression and supposed to be taking meds?

I think @clarity has good suggestions that might help your wife, and relationship too.

Seriously consider staying home yourself. Look into what financial support you could you get. IME it will totally change your relationship with your kids for the better. In many ways it's fantastic, but just don't kid yourself it's easy.

She admits she was depressed in the past, but never of course admits its a fault of her own, even though I told her countless times I am not happy with how things are in the last few years

Do you think mental illness is her fault?

Hi op

I'm sorry you're going through this. Living with someone who has depression can be very difficult at times and I understand your frustration.

However a few things you have said have made me realise that I don't think you fully understand depression or what it is, which is why your expectations are not being met. I would recommend visiting www.mind.org.uk as there is a lot of reading you can do on there.
Depression is no more a person's fault than diabetes or cancer so I think if you approach her illness from that viewpoint you might find it more helpful.

If she's on her phone a lot then you can point her towards some online resources for people who are in her situation. Sometimes it's easier to type things out than say aloud. I can pm you an online resource I'm aware of if you'd like?

In the short term I think, as frustrating as it is, you need to plan around her in terms of day to day tasks. Get all the help you can from her midwife and health visitor and Google PANDAS which is a charity for pre and postnatal depression.

And sort of mothers help etc you can get on your budget please do. Perhaps see if you can get her friends to help by having your current DC for an hour a day/week to take him to the park just so she has alone time.

I'm not going to lie, it sounds like you'll find the next few months hard so really just try and prepare everything you can in advance, such as a freezer full of meals.
It's important to protect your own mental health as well, so be careful and ask for help if you. Need to.

@danield Looks like it's feeding time. Probably disregard the next 12 hours of posts.

DM me if you want some help looking for local services your family could make use of.

I think OP means it's her fault she won't seek/get help for it atm.
He can't force her to,he can't pop pills down her throat or drag her to counselling/gp. That would be controlling and abusive so it's up to her to try and get better.

Funnily enough when a woman posts things like this it's an unanimous LTB and depression is not an excuse. Tell him to get help or get out.
This woman has never worked. I wonder how she'd react if OP packed his job in.

OP you need to talk to her. Don't make this about her and what she's doing wrong in your eyes. Tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed,worried about the future,stressed. Just explain how you feel and encourage her to get help. Maybe see a doctor for yourself,you'll be no good to anyone if you burn out yourself.
PP has a good idea about trying to get her involved in chores. Even if it's just sitting there to chat,keep you company and pass you stuff.

If she does get on meds again,as frustrating and tiring as it might be you'll just have to check she's taking them. Not force/nag her to but make sure you remind her.

It's all well and easy to say stay at home,get a cleaner, get childcare. Where is this money supposed to come from?

She admits she was depressed in the past, but never of course admits its a fault of her own
FFS

BishopBrennansArse

Poor woman. Probably depressed at having such a pig of a husband

A bit harsh. He has come on asking for advice.

You think mental illness is her fault (symptoms of which can include lack of self care, environmental care and inability to stick to a project or schedule)?
Would you think a physical disability was her own fault?

I can understand being tired, I can understand feeling drained but what I cannot understand is how much you seem to dislike an ill woman you have got pregnant twice.

'little job'

Depression is a personal fault....

:\

Have you got any family nearby to support you. It is difficult for you if you are trying to hold down a job. It's difficult for her as she sounds very unwell.

This woman has never worked. I wonder how she'd react if OP packed his job in

It doesn't sound like she's well enough to work.

Op, I'm going to go against everyone on here & say it's not offensive to say the wife....I understand it's simply a saying, as no point are you insinuating she is YOUR possession although let's be clear, you do everything & she does nothing yet you pay for it all!

Depressed or not, she can still clean the damn house.

Tell her to sort it out or fuck off.

You're living in cloud cuckoo land, describing your marriage as 'happy'. The way you've spoken about 'the wife' here makes it sound like you actually couldn't give a shit. You're writing the nice words, telling the world that you're a caring husband, but little things are slipping through telling quite the opposite story.

Your wife sounds seriously depressed. Of course she isn't going to take responsibility for that. Because guess what? ITS NOT HER FAULT. She is also heavily pregnant which brings hormones and exhaustion. And all it sounds like she is getting from you is nagging under a facade of 'concern'.

What practical support have you offered her? How often are you repeating the statements to her that you're making here? About her not being able to do this, that and other and generally helping her internalise the message that she is a shit wife, a shit mother and may as well not bother because she can't do anything right anyway.