Lazy 'full time mum'

[danield]

Hi, we have a son, just turned 3.

Wife has never had a paid job nor is interested, so we agreed we would do it the traditional way, full-time home mum and loving wife, and I work to support everyone.

I am totally comfortable with this, and I think it beats pre-three year old nursery costs. My issue is I don't think she is doing her 'full-time mummy' job.

She is happy to let him watch TV for 8 to 12 hours a day. She will usually watch with him, but most likely be playing with a phone and not really engaging with anything he is watch.

The house is usually a mess and I prefer things a bit (but not obsessively) at least put back in their place.

She does not make her bed and clothes are left everywhere, at least she does not sleep with her dirty clothes on/in the bed anymore.

I've begged her to get out of the house and make some friends. Or we can put him in nursery a bit more than the 2 afternoons per week and she get a little job. She gave up this idea after a few failed interview.

We tried morning nursery sessions but found she couldn't usually get him there on time, even though the nursery was very literally 5 minutes walk. Often the morning session was a waste of money.

Yes she struggles to get up in the morning. I saw posts about mums worrying they are too lazy for breakfast but only give banana and yogurts in the morning. What? You actually get up? Breakfast? And I suppose you even get dressed and dress him in the morning too.? :O

My son seems to be smart and I try to spend as much time with him as possible, but not easy managing the wife, the house, all paperwork, and a demanding full-time job with lots of overtime.

I just think and wish she should do more. I have tried to talking with her, and sometimes it helps, at least for a few days. And then things revert back to normal.

She does not care about being even slightly orderly. For example dirty nappies (not even in bags, which are in her bedside draw) can stay in her room for days at end. I am fed up of having to step over them and often will bin them myself just because I don't like that she and my son sleep with them around. Sometimes I try to leave some in the doorway so its more obvious. Sometimes she may then notice, but not always. PS this explains why we don't sleep in the same room.

Just so I am not being overly basis, here are some plus points:

• She does cook evening meals (not always though), we eat out 1-3 times a week.
• In the last year or so she can load the dishwasher, sometimes empty it (so some progress there)
• Also in the last year she now gets dressed before 11am.
• She can now order food online if I am too busy to go to the supermarkets
• She studied BSc Preschool Education (although she said she never wants to use it again after working as an unpaid trainee for a year), but it helps in some ways with our son.

..ALL of which I am VERY grateful for and in some way makes up for other lazy areas, but after 6 years, its been a long journey to get this far.

And just to clarify she is a healthy 27 year old, and these problems have been with us for years.

We now have a second on the way, which was not so planned consider we struggle in every way (not just financially) with just one. So I want to seek help now.

I am ambitious with my career so we have not had problems in the past, but recently the there have been a lot of interference which caused issues with my work and at this rate I am very tempted to sell the house and car, quit the job, apply for a council house and just be a great dad. (not sure what to do with the wife at this point, other than support her through the pregnancy).

She sounds as if she is depressed.

You sound frustrated; that I can understand. However, you also speak about her as if you are training an animal.....'she can now do this/that's.

Show some compassion and try understanding that life with a young child, if she does have depression, isn't all the fun and games you think it should be.

Look past yourself and your needs.

"Not sure what to do with the wife" should be "not sure how to help my wife!"

She's pregnant so if she IS depressed things might get a whole lot worse. She needs help by the sounds ds of things.

** random ds!

Why do you have separate rooms?

If I was married to a man who spoke about me in the same way that you speak about your wife then I imagine I would feel despondent and down.

Even if you haven't told her, she will know how you feel about her. Perhaps, before you next criticise her, you should take a look at yourself in the mirror. The woman that you chose to spend the rest of your life with and is carrying your child is clearly struggling. I realise this must be very difficult for you too however approaching her with a little kindness, love and patience is more likely to help then continuing to criticise her.

She sounds very depressed. And needs to get to a gp as soon as possible. This is not healthy for her or her son. She needs some routine. If not she may just be lazy. However you don't sound like you have much respect for her either. Mabie you both should get some help and deside what is best for the both of you. ( Also I don't just think you can give up your job and sell your house and get a council house. It doesn't work like that) you both obviously need a life overhall and have a chat. But first I would say get a gp appointment.

Its a figure of speech don't think anything to it, and still I don't, sorry. I certainly don't think of her as a possession or thing so you just got hold of the wrong brolly on this one.

PS: I am happy if she calls me 'the husband' to her friends, which she can do. We are happily married.

You don't sound happily married. Resentment at this level doesn't feature in a happy marriage.
How old are you?

Your poor wife. She sounds so sad, lonely and down in the dumps.

Does she get out at all? Does she have anytime without your little one? Do you have any quality time with her?

I'm confused by the 'her bed' comments - you're in separate rooms just because it's disorderly rather than cleaning it yourself and keeping on top of it? Rather than leave dirty nappies in the doorway how about you just simply pop them in the bin?

Does she sleep ok? Nothing wrong with not getting dressed if you aren't going out but at least wash and put 'slobs' on or clean pj's.

Depression, whatever it's cause (Pre/Post Natal, Situational etc) is a debilitating illness for all those involved but most of all your wife. Have a word with her midwife/your GP and then read up on how you can help - sometimes the littlest thing can make the world of difference. Giving up your job etc - that sounds like it's also dragging you down too.

Please speak to your health professionals and your wife - a hug and kind word can mean the world through the fog of depression. x

She has severe depression and needs to see a doctor. Your child needs to start going to nursery or childminder as your wife is unable to look after him competently eg 8-12 hours TV. You get 15 free nursery hours per week.
Speak to health visitor for advice.

Thank you so much for all the responses. I am surprised to get such a fast and varied responses. Did reply to the first poster too, but the reply feature seems broken on this site (first time to use it today).

Yes she has seen the doctors regarding depression, and actually I am very patient with her, and help all the time which is why looking after her (the wife ;) has meant I have had to take time off work.

In a way I do feel she is not living up to my exceptions. Yes she can be depressed, but after all the help and support I give, plus GP help, it doesn't seem enough. I both laziness and past depression problems are to blame.

I did want to vent frustration and get other mums views, so thank you for reading, and appreciate you sharing your thoughts, even if its hard to describe the whole picture in just a small box on the internet.

I will take and consider all opinions and can accept I might be at fault, just don't get me started on the nappy thing anymore than I have. At least sleeping in separate rooms does help and it was suggested by a specialist (and reputable/expensive) counselling therapy doctor in fact. Apparently it is more common that some may know, even before kids.

Again thank you.

You aren't happily married though ate you? Your wife is dreadfully depressed for a start and your child is left in front if the TV all day. It's not a happy situation in any way.

What help is she having now? Is she on medication?

"In a way I do feel she is not living up to my exceptions. Yes she can be depressed, but after all the help and support I give, plus GP help, it doesn't seem enough."

I take it you mean expectations, my autocorrect changes that one all the time too.
If so, expectations for what? For fighting depression? As a mother? As a spouse? As a housewife?

Would you expect her to be on top of things if she had a physical illness such as a broken leg?

Poor woman. Probably depressed at having such a pig of a husband.

Yes she has seen the doctors regarding depression, and actually I am very patient with her

In a way she is not living up to expectations

Man, you're a charmer. I dearly hope you're just a good soul with a crap writing style.

Your missus/the wife/ball n chain/equal partner in the relationship is clearly depressed to the back teeth.

I would bet my mortgage on the fact you've not really given her an open platform to express her deepest wants/fears/needs and have essentially led her to believe the "bargain" you have is fixed and that's her lot.

Being a SAHM can be soul destroying. It can be isolating, unstimulating and fucking dull.

Please help her to get the outlet she sounds like she urgently needs as yes - her behaviour is not normal. Whether counselling or further study or a job (I know she tried) you have to do your best to be her cheerleader and not her critic.

I don't think you'll get much support here op, they don't like men criticising their wives.

You must be knackered, working full time and picking up the slack at home. Do you get enough down time? Fwiw I think it's fair that as a sahm she does most of the housework, and I say that as a sahm myself. I'm not sure what the answer is really. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Yes she can be depressed, but after all the help and support I give, plus GP help, it doesn't seem enough. I both laziness and past depression problems are to blame.
If she has seen her GP, has been putvon ADs then she is ill.its great to give her some support but saying that it doesn't seem enough so she has to be lazy means you have no idea what depression is.

If the medication she is getting isn't enough, then she needs to go back to her GP and have her medication reviewed. I would also advise her to have some counselling (either through the GP or better privately).
I would be very careful to look out for signs of ante natal depression too.
But much more importantly, please educate yourself about depression because you are absolutely NOT GETTING IT.

Also maybe consider that your own behaviour towards her might make things worse. Talking from experience there. When you are depressed and feel crap and need some emotional support, knowing/feeling that your DH thinks you are just lazy is one of the most hurtful things in the world (being there, done that btw)

IAm the issue isn't that he must be knackered, oh poor him. Oh that's awful she isn't doing all the HW.
The issue is that the OP has a partner that is ILL. Whether it's depression or any other illness, she is ill and that means that the OP, as a her partner, will have to step in. That's part of life and being a couple.

The issue is also about the fact he doesn't know what depression is and what he can/shouod expect. Thinking that a visit to the GP and some medication is enough to solve the problem is laughable TBH. Yes sometimes it is enough. But sometimes it isn't. And making it all her fault for being lazy isn't helping her at all.

What it is NOT about is about men criticising their wife. Because he could well be within his rights to do so. But not if she is ill.

I agree this sounds like depression.

But what I was thinking, was you might be able support her into gaining some routine for her and your DS.

What about cooking breakfast for you all every morning? Would that get her up and about? Then at least she will be dressed and ready. Then when you come home from work, getting her to help clear away any rubbish etc with you? What I mean is would she do jobs together with you? You could both semi-prepare simple meals for the next day together. Maybe batch cook together on a weekend. Then everything might not seem so daunting for her. Do you work nearby? Could you take her and your DS out to lunch some days? Could book some holidays to attend parenting groups with her? These things might help establish some routine.

I find it really striking how the responses to this are so very different to what they would have been with genders reversed. If it had been the OP at home in a mess almost every single comment would be "LTB" (OP - You sound new, acronyms here: www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms)

OP - Whether she's lazy or ill there's still probably more you can do to keep the house - you need to think about whether or not you want to take ALL the responsibility for work and house.

You do also sound like you need help understanding depression (nobody's born with that knowledge) and to have a conversation with her about it.

If she's just "lazy" (relative to what? you? your expectations?) then you live with it or you move on. Making that choice when there are kids involved is harder than enacting it, IME.

Your child is being neglected. Both by lack of interaction, lack of timely breakfast/getting up, and by messy and dirty physical surroundings. You need to make sure that does not continue, even if that means you doing everything (getting him up and dressed, arranging childcare or staying home yourself, cleaning the house, making lunch, making tea, helping him learn and play). It might not seem fair, and it is not what you agreed, but if she is unable to meet his needs, you have to. Start thinking of yourself as a single parent and stop letting your son be neglected, these early years are so important to his future. Then you decide if you want to also be her carer, or seperate. I am sorry this is how it is for you.