What if the assessment says I'm not autistic?

[AuADHD]

I don't know how I'll cope with that. I don't know what else it could be because reading about autism and adhd was like all the tumblers on a massive slot machine falling into place one by one and many bells going off. An overwhelming mental image there 🥴
I've spent the past 5 years or so believing that autism and adhd explain everything about my life. But what if the assessor says she doesn't think I meet the criteria? My assessments are this month and I am very anxious that I'll just be diagnosed as a broken maladapted human who has failed at life and relationships through my own fault and flaws. My sense of self would be destroyed.
I'm being assessed through the right to choose.
I scored 16/18 on the self adhd assessment and 8/10 on the autism self assessment for the company who is doing my assessments.
I've waited for years for these assessments and feel like cancelling due to fear I'm not autistic or adhd and just broken or have a personality disorder.

Part 3? I didn't get a part 3.

The arranged telephone appointment was half an hour early and I was in the middle of something so not sat down with a notebook and pen as planned. I got told I'd been diagnosed with ADHD across all areas so combined ADHD. How did I feel? No clue. I'd get a written report in 3-6 weeks and in 6 months I'd have the option of medication if I wanted it. Or therapy or something else that I can't remember but basically self help type stuff I think and that would be sooner like after I get the report. Any questions? No, because my brain is unable to churn one out at present. Ok, I wish you all the best, bye! It was literally about 2 minutes.
So for the past 2 days I've been feeling odd. Off kilter but also no different. I couldn't sheep last night which is unusual but happens every now and again.

It was all so rushed I think after waiting 5 years nearly for an appointment. I feel that more care should have been taken with that feedback appointment and more information given about why they've diagnosed it.

I've not told anyone IRL. I've barely told myself 🤣

I hope those of you waiting soon get your answers and that your assessor is more empathetic than mine was.

Why 6 months for medication?
Why 3-6 weeks for the written report? It's online so not like it has to be posted out.

I’m in Ireland, OP, maybe it’s different here - I had an “initial” assessment (90 min), then the “full” one a few months later, that was 2 1/2 hours, in two parts on the same day, and the “reflection” session (50 min) now is where I get told if or not I met the criteria and where I will get a report.

My assessor is a clinical psychologist and very thorough and kind - I’m sorry (and slightly shocked) to hear you were so rushed through!

And why 6 months, exactly! That’s so not helpful right now.

I wish you all the best with the processing, maybe you could email them with your questions?

Goodness that's a lot more comprehensive. Mine follows NICE, apparently, but I was taken aback with the feedback. I've had more indepth diagnosis of tonsillitis!

I think I feel a little numb. Like I should feel relief, but I don't. Like I should feel happy, but I don't. Like I should feel sad, but I don't. Like I should feel angry, but I don't.

There's a few things that have clicked into place since the assessment. Like my wedding where we had a wedding planner and she phone me a couple of days after the wedding and asked how the wedding was and I said "it was ok" and she was rather put out. I'd put all my energy into my 7 month old and doing everything for the wedding that I hadn't had time to check in with myself and once the wedding was over I majorly crashed and went off sick with postnatal depression. I just couldn't cope. The health visitor assistant never understood why I couldn't face going back to work when Dd was 6 months and said what I felt was normal but everyone got on with it. I just couldn't and felt like a failure. I ended up taking a year in total with a few weeks back at work in between.

There’ll be lots of similar realisations I think as I process things and I expect I’ll get angry at some point.

I have the day off tomorrow and am going to engage in my special interest and take some time to just breathe and be by myself.

Sounds like a plan! 😊

I've had a nice time and shopped in peace and bought something just for me.

I'm wondering why I don't want to tell anyone in real life. Did any of you feel reluctant?
My Dd would tell her dad who would use it against me because he's abusive. My eldest would do the same because she's just like him. My siblings would be told by my mum and say something like always knowing I was weird and different and this just proves it. Also there was a horrible poster on another thread on this board who claimed every other person in the UK is diagnosed with adhd and it really minimised what we go through so the board didn't feel as safe after that. I don't really have friends so no one to tell there. I just have people I talk to on here.

I’ve had my diagnosis a little while and still haven’t told many people, just a couple of friends but no family yet. There’s no rush. Your feelings may also be different when you hear about the ASD diagnosis too. My main worry is that people will think differently about me once they know I’m have AuDHD, also of the reasons I’m reluctant to tell family is that ASD often runs in families and I’m pretty sure some family members have it too.

Only my partner (we’re living together and he is very supportive) and immediate family (my Mum and sisters) know that I was/am seeking diagnosis.

And that’s how I like to keep it, whatever diagnosis I’ll get. I will tell work though, they have been very good with being accommodating when I was struggling, moved me to a quieter area etc.

I was told that it might be a good idea to get connected with the “community” if /when diagnosed, things like AsIAm.ie (here in Ireland), it’s an Autism Charity website. You would have such in UK too, of course, maybe it’s helpful.

It's because of the ableist bullshit we read daily on this site, and others. There used to be empathy but now people are just ignorant arseholes.

Fortunately my experience in real life is not the same as online, that said I have a very small circle of people - if it was wider the shot may have crept in

Thank you.
I think there's some imposter's syndrome going on. Plus the people not believing it and saying I don't seem ADHD. Or being told everyone has ADHD these days. Or the disappointment from my mum that she has a confirmed defective child. The one who is her carer and manages her life extremely well but not her own so much. My ex said I was damaged goods because I'd had sex with someone other than him (before him) and this makes me feel more damaged now.

Just to add that obviously I'm not damaged and nor is anyone else who is ND, that's just the way I feel right now and how my badtard ex and shitty family will view it.

My report is available but I'm scared to look!! They said 3-6 weeks and I really struggle with time frames not being what I've been told they will be. It's good that's it's so quick but i dont want to read it in a way. My inadequacies laid out in clinic terms.

Read it when you’re nice and ready, OP. Everything is still pretty new and raw in a way, I imagine. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. That’s what I’d try to do.

Yes I agree no rush to read it, just when you’d like to. My reports for ASD and ADHD were hard going, they went through everything that met the criteria which meant all the things I struggle with and feel like I fail at were written down including from my informant which was difficult for me to read. I still haven’t shown the report to my DH as I’m a bit embarrassed by everything in there.

I'll have some time tonight once dc is asleep to read it. I've felt a bit broken this week and have some weird viral thing going on which I think is a stress response. I'm glad it's the weekend.
Thank you for your responses

Sounds like a plan. 😊

I too get all sorts of physical issues going on when stressed, even though my “big and revealing” appointment is only on Monday I’m struggling with eczema (which I usually don’t get anymore) and stomach issues, because the whole process was and is really tough.

I hope you’ll be okay with processing your report, all the best.

Well, from reading that anyone would think I am much worse than I think I am. The way it's been written is very much making a few things I said fit with what they were looking for or exaggerated somewhat but otherwise it was quite exhausting reading about how busy my head and body are 🤣

There's a few minor errors in the report but nothing that would change the outcome. I did correct the assessor at the time but nevermind. The only thing that annoyed me is the way it says I have a poor concept of time. It might be the way I'm reading it but to me I have a very good concept of time. I'm very rarely late. I can gauge quite accurately how long 5 or 10 minutes is but if I'm doom scrolling I can lose a large chunk of time. Otherwise I'm governed by the clock and have good routines but I am always rushing because things take longer than I thought.
Any potential employer reading that, not that they would, wouldn't give me a chance believing I'm far too disorganised with poor time keeping to be gainfully employed. It's at home things fall apart and reading it has made me realise how much effort it takes to hold it all together in general. No one would ever know from being with me that I struggle so much. I keep it hidden. My mum's answers gave me a score of 8/18 whereas mine on the same questions was 18/18 so I'm obviously masking a lot.

There were no surprises in there. Just some errors and a few exaggerations on the assessors part that make me sound much worse. I don't think I have any redeeming features going off that report!

It's a strange thing to read about your life through the clinical eyes of a professional.

I feel a bit 🤷🏼‍♀️

I had a phone call today to book the second half of my ASD assessment. I’m booked in for mid-April. I’ll be back to have a wobble the day before 😁 I explained the issue with poor memory for my informant and they are letting me be my
own informant which is a big relief. A speech and language therapist is doing this assessment.

I'm mid April for my asd one too.

Will employers actually read our reports??? I wasn't thinking so...

Employers won’t have access to personal medical records.

I didn't think so. I don't think I'm going to worry about what employers think then!

I’ve had an email today saying that Clinical Partners are going to be offering medication titration soon although not all GPs offer shared care. I’m still not sure if I’d want medication. I’m worried that with a quieter mind the autism will take over. The second half of my assessment is next week. I’m lacking in information from when I was very young despite my mum asking other family members. I had my oddities but nobody remembers much and I’m sure this is because of the high incidence of ND in the family. My mum shows more and more ADHD type behaviours as she gets older. My dad there’s n doubt in my mind that he had autism. My maternal aunt ND traits and I think most of my family are unable to relate healthily to others, don’t cope well with change, are restrictive and poor communicators on several levels. They hold major grudges, have addictions, have strange ideas about things and yet disliked me because I was different. Past-tense as I don’t have contact with most of them now.
I’m not looking forward to 3 hours of assessment via zoom. The result will be a month later. It will be a long wait. Ive still not said out loud that I have ADHD 🤣

I'm pleased this are progressing for you. Perhaps you could try the medication and see how it goes. You can always stop it later. I feel similarly but there are days when I'm forgetful or unaware of the time and wonder if medication might help. I haven't even started to get a diagnosis yet.

I’ll see what they respond with and when and see how I feel.
Ive not having much luck finding anything out about my childhood. I seem to have been a seen but not heard child as was quite typical of the 70/80s. Advanced with speech and reading, walked very early at 9 months, hated presents, hated attention, quiet, shy. Viewed as different to the rest of the family. That’s all I’ve got.

Do you remember much about your childhood? I got through the childhood part of the assessment using my own memory only, my only informant was my DH who didn’t know me in childhood. I have a very good memory so can remember most things and my account of certain parts of it was good enough for the assessor. I had a typical childhood of late diagnosed females so that helped. Stims and trouble fitting in that led to bullying from a young age, bullied throughout school, periods of school refusal, mental health problems and self harm throughout my teens and early adulthood.