What if the assessment says I'm not autistic?

[AuADHD]

I don't know how I'll cope with that. I don't know what else it could be because reading about autism and adhd was like all the tumblers on a massive slot machine falling into place one by one and many bells going off. An overwhelming mental image there 🥴
I've spent the past 5 years or so believing that autism and adhd explain everything about my life. But what if the assessor says she doesn't think I meet the criteria? My assessments are this month and I am very anxious that I'll just be diagnosed as a broken maladapted human who has failed at life and relationships through my own fault and flaws. My sense of self would be destroyed.
I'm being assessed through the right to choose.
I scored 16/18 on the self adhd assessment and 8/10 on the autism self assessment for the company who is doing my assessments.
I've waited for years for these assessments and feel like cancelling due to fear I'm not autistic or adhd and just broken or have a personality disorder.

I don’t drive and don’t think I will ever do so because it’s too many things going on at once. I’ve had some lessons and drive quite well but it caused me a lot of anxiety. Reversing was awful. Going down gears awful. I could never afford to run a car anyway. I’ma walking and public transport pro. We are going on holiday in August to Cornwall and it’s a 9 hour train journey. It doesn’t phase me at all although I’ll need some quiet on the beach once there to calm down after being cooped up for so long.

I don’t feel anything today. I feel like I should feel something but I don’t.

Just as thought if you ever did want to try driving again, automatic cars make everything a lot easier as no changing gears and therefore also no clutch, there's also reversing cameras in lots of cars nowadays.

I'm the opposite of you, I love driving as it's just me or me and family in the car and I have control of the route and when we leave, but absolutely cannot cope with public transport unless I have support to work everything out and come with me and sort out timings.

One thing that’s just occurred to me is it’s nice to no longer be potentially diagnosing or labelling myself as having autism and ADHD. My old uni friend was right to suggest it and I’m grateful to her. After she suggested it, the more I read about it the more I thought she was right and armed myself with information on both. I now feel more trusting of my instinct that my dc are all on the spectrum too. Ds has his first appointment next month and it gives more weight to his referral now that I have a diagnosis.
Of course to my family I will still be difficult and different and awkward and they don’t understand me but I don’t speak to them anyway. Only my mum who definitely feels guilty as though somehow there’s something wrong with me that could have been prevented. If she’s told anyone has autism or ADHD you’d think you’d told her they’ve got months to live such is the pity that she feels about what a shame it is. I’ve not told her my diagnosis and might not for ages. She is terrible for focusing on negatives. My dad was worse and I often wonder how I became such a positive and optimistic adult considering my upbringing. I like a good moan about things but I always find humour in the situation and have a laugh. I’d quite like my wider family to know purely in the hope they might stop and think what their own behaviour was like towards their sister/neice who actually has a disability. Two disabilities! Fuck, at least it’s an even number 😁 They’d just go oh and think I’ve jumped on a bandwagon and everyone’s a bit autistic and everyone’s got ADHD these days and roll their eyes at how typical it is of me to be the special one 🙄 They can all sod off. My reactions to things that they deemed too much, my inability to just pull myself together and go to school, my ability to notice things nobody else did and communicate those things, my insistence on things being done correctly and all the other stuff was because of autism and ADHD. Not difficult or awkward or even worse: attention seeking.

I was able to build some Lego today and have some time to myself.

I would definitely give yourself some space before discussing it with your mum.

Fortunately my mum was with me throughout my entire diagnostic process but my nan who I actually live with took it hard.

We had a chat though and the reason she internalises it is because she recognises that the diagnosis is now better understood but back in the 80s and before it was known as infantile schizophrenia and mothers were heavily blamed in a clinical capacity for not being devoted enough and that was essentially viewed as the cause of autism back then.

It can be hard to break habits of understanding.

We see similar now with my son, who occasionally uses AAC, and the deep rooted misinformation that by giving AAC he'll never learn to speak properly because he is too dependent on a tool when actually all evidence points to it helping verbal language developing. See similar with TV, it's still often touted that TV time can stop autistic children talking but it actually provides them with functional phrases that they use to develop language as gestalt language processors. The denial is often rooted in guilt that they feel they could have done more, but the truth is that to make an informed choice you have to have all the information available which we just didn't have back then, and so our parents and family will feel like the system is placing the burden on them for simply not knowing or doing better, but they might not have the emotional literacy skills to explain this so it's natural to get a bit cagey about it.

Only talk to her when you feel emotionally secure enough and have capacity to offer her emotional space too, otherwise you'll tax yourself dry.

I was ok and not really feeling anything then I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to look at my snooping Facebook account where people I’ve blocked or who blocked me are still visible. My dead ex was the first and that just made me sad. He died last summer and it’s been a struggle for many reasons. Ds will now never meet his dad and that’s tough on him and breaks my heart. Ex’s choice though. Other people who meant something to me at one time. Two who didn’t like each other at all and now all pally over a photo he shared and she’s all wow and he’s all thank you. Both fake. Then came the scores of people I might know. People I do know and was friends with until we drifted. People I know or knew but there’s been no interest in being friends. I’m not one of the PTA mums with a golden child. I’m the odd mum with the odd child who struggles at school due to the golden children often being bullies. Just all these people that yes, I know, but they aren’t my friends because I don’t have any friends. Not one. How pathetic is that. One school mum friend whose daughter was best mates with mine doesn’t stay in touch often but is great when she does. Cares a lot but useless at keeping in touch and her dc are very troubled but I’ve been supportive of her so much. I told her when I got my ADHD diagnosis and she didn’t reply. I’ve not bothered since. I’m usually not fussed about friends but today I feel rather lost and I suppose lonely.
There’s been so much going on at home and with my mum that my head is spinning and trying to process everything is impossible. I think my brain made me stop today and I don’t like it. It also sucks that I don’t feel able to tell anyone in real life about my diagnosis. I feel like they wouldn’t believe me although to be fair there isn’t really anyone to tell. My Dd would probably tell her dad and he’d use it as an excuse to be abusive, as would eldest Dd. It would be used against me.

What self indulgent waffle this is!! I feel better for a good moan though and no doubt will wake up tomorrow feeling brighter. Well, once I’ve had a cup of tea of course. Waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed is something for toddlers and small children eager to play. I’m more like a sloth on benzos in a morning 😁

The good thing is that nobody on earth deserves an explanation for how you are different other than you.

You're right that some people will use it against you.

Since being diagnosed, whenever I've asserted boundaries, instead of being told im stubborn and a series of guilt trips to try and sway me I now get "don't you think you're just being a bit too autistic?"

You'll find that people will equate the distress you're in not to their actions, but to your diagnosis to avoid accountability and they will use it to try and manipulate you or abuse you. The more able you are to recognise this though the more impervious you become to it rather than self doubting.

Sometimes it is good to tell people, even if you know their personal views of you or of autism won't change because then you know who to set boundaries with but you should always ask yourself if they deserve to know, if it will make a difference to you anyway, and does it matter more to them or to you that you've shared this information?

Hope you're feeling better about it today.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead you make some good points, thank you.
I’m now waiting for my report. She was writing it as we were speaking last week so I’m wondering what’s taking so long. The assessor sends it to admin and then they email it out.

Auadhd I'm awaiting my ADHD report I got hyperactive impulsive ADHD.
Next stop Asd assessment.Not sure how long that queue is.🤣🤣

Depending on where you are the wait might not be as long as you think. Mine took 4 months from referral to diagnosis on the NHS. My sons was 11 month but his went through paediatrics. Im in South Yorkshire.

Thank you.Not too long then after 2 years queuing for ADHD one.x

My wait was 4 years on the NHS before I asked to go via right to choose. Every time I contacted them in that four years they added another 15-18 months onto the list and told me they couldn’t tell me anything more. I was told at the appointment for RTC that the waiting list in my area is now 10 years! That’s for ASD. I don’t know about ADHD.

Maybe I’ll get my report today. Im
feeling hopeful.

Wow that's crazy auadhd.

I’ve emailed to chase my report seeing as it’s been 2 weeks. It’s not nice waiting for a judgement like this. And it does feel like a judgement. My ADHD report was so negative and gloomy as well as containing inaccuracies about factual things. I’ve held off giving them the feedback they’ve asked for until everything is done but I will provide feedback.

Amazing: they sent the report over after I sent a request for it. There’s inaccuracies again but nothing significant. I don’t really understand the scoring but I don’t suppose it matters. I just like to understand these things. I scored 38 on the ADI-R and 12 on the ADOS 2 module 4. Some parts of the report were quite amusing and made me laugh like where they report my perfectly normal to me interests as unusual. Overall it portrays me as stunted 😩

What are your interests?
Still waiting for my report I was told it would be 4 weeks.

How is the report worded.is it just sentences and bullet points.

@whatisforteamumI like planes and trains and have done since being young. Watching them alone is weird apparently 😁
The report was laid out under headings relating to the diagnostic criteria but written essay style.
My main interest is Lego though and I showed the assessor lots of my collection on zoom 🤣

Oh interesting we used to watch planes taking off as kids on a Sunday our parents took us to the airport.
My special interest is cooking and baking.Thankfully I'm a chef which helps my energetic ADHD side.
I'm interested in seeing my report now as the assessor said she hopes I meet my tribe soon.🤔
Unlikely as I love people but hate specifically social gatherings unless it's work.

My assessor also said about finding my tribe and I was like 🤨 I don’t think so. Saying hello to people on the school run and the people I know to briefly chat to in the local shops is all the socialisation I can take.

At my first appointment they got to the question about food and I said I like all food I dont have an issue with food, but I dont like my wet food touching my dry food, and got into a discussion about how pasta is a wet food but rice is a dry food, however if its rice with curry then rice isn't a food at all, its a barrier, and it protects my other dry food from getting wet.

We also talked about my gardening hobby and how I love to grow tomatoes and this stems back to childhood where I had a pet tomato I carried everywhere until it rot beyond comprehension. My emotional attachment to it was intense, and even now I know an awful lot about hundreds of varieties of tomatoes. Gardening is a perfectly normal hobby. I dont know much about many other plants though, I have to casually learn as I go, but tomatoes... well I could write a book or 3.

Basically what they're looking for is proof that your perfectly normal things are abnormal to other people in frequency and intensity.

To me, watching planes and trains are categorically boring. You'd not catch me watching trains or planes for fun, I would go with a friend if they wanted to, and I can vaguely see the interest, but if I had to participate it would be occasional and wouldn't be something that would take up most to all of my free time. To me, going to see planes and trains especially alone, or tracking them, is abnormal in frequency and intensity, although that isn't a criticism of the hobby itself and I think it's exceptionally healthy to have hobbies and know exactly what it is you like or that brings you happiness and joy.

So although it does sound like a negative criticism from them, they've got to be strictly clinical and that can sound like they're pulling your perfectly valid sources of happiness apart.

Also on my feedback report in one single sentence on its own, it said in more professional words than I can remember: wouldn't shut up about tomatoes.

When I've found it I'll post it because it was a single, funny, humbling line. Might as well have diagnosed me as a professional yapper.

I love that you love tomatoes so much and know so much about them. They repulse me and I can’t deal with them unless making pasta sauce (so tinned) or chopping baby ones for ds. I can’t watch anyone eat them. It’s the seeds and the watery ickiness 🤮
I can’t copy and paste from
the report but she describes in fairly good detail my love of watching the freight train saying how I like to watch it daily, disappointed if it’s not running, count the carriages, wave to the driver and fight the urge to jump up and down excitedly. She omitted the important part which is that there are usually 24 containers.Sometimes 21, but mainly 24. Lately they have reduced and it’s 17. I’ve been deprived of 7 containers! Bastards. I like the rhythm of it passing and the noise followed by the stillness. I don’t like regular trains but live freight trains and get excited about steam trains too. I’d travel to the airport and stand in the multi storey car park at age 13/14 and watch the planes on my own. That’s odd apparently 🤷🏼‍♀️ I hope the freight train is back to normal for the school run next week.

I actually feel quite sad tonight. There’s a fair bit of reevaluating things going on.

Auadhd same.
I feel othered somehow just by having and ADHD assessment.
Before I could just be bubbly and chatty with anxiety.

One thing I don't understand is football or any sport.
Keeping fit yes definitely.
Watching strangers kick a ball around seems so boring to me.
Good job we are all different tbh.
It makes the world more interesting.