Partner's hurtful comments

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Good morning, I am seeking some advice regarding my partner's comments toward me, since I am unsure as to whether or not I am being too sensitive. For context, I am male, so hope that I am not being intrusive, but I am in turmoil.

I have autism and it has blighted my entire life, from education to employment, friendships, relationships, social interaction, and affected my self esteem, belief in myself and self confidence, as I am sure many here will understand and identify with! I am very quiet, reserved, introspective, emotional, sensitive and a bookworm. My partner is the diametric opposite to me in that she is loud, brash, very social, abrupt, lacks any kind of filter or boundary, is rude to the point of being bullying, disorganised, forgetful, spontaneous and hugely talkative. She is also, and not wishing to diminish or belittle her, less educated, articulate and intelligent than me. We do not live together yet, and, living 75 minutes drive apart, normally only see one another st weekends or for holidays. We have been together for 20 months.

From the outset I have been very open about my autism and how it affects me, and sometimes become very emotional and tearful about it. Her response is usually to tell me to stop being so sensitive, a 'wet lettuce' and to 'man up' - none of which I find supportive or helpful and it makes me feel even more conscious and humiliated by my condition. On one occasion her response was "well, what does that mean for me?", with no suggestion as to how we could work together to build a mutually beneficial and harmonious relationship.

A couple of weeks ago she was undertaking an elearning course at work, which included a module on autism and safeguarding. When I asked for her impression and thoughts on it, she told me that it had included some video clips of people with autism talking about their experiences and that they had all come across as "slow and 'backward'" (her exact words!). I was so appalled and dumstruck that I could not quite believe what I had heard! In addition, she tells me that I am "socially awkward" (which I know already, but don't need it reinforced), calls me pathetic, that I talk 'shit' and that I am irritating ( which again I know!), strange for hating pubs, bars, and seeking to avoid noisy, crowded environments.

There is much more, but this is incredibly long already and not sure what I am actually hoping for here, other than to 'get it out' and seek some support and ideas as to how to deal with the hurtful comments which make me feel even more crap than I already do, living with this damned, constrictive, stultifying, suffocating and hellish condition. Thank you

What on Earth makes you believe you love this person?
Might you just be infatuated with the thought of having a long term relationship?

I looked briefly at a few of the other posts and comments you have made (checking if you are a troll!) and she sounds mean, belittling and like she has no respect for you. On regular mumsnet people would be s screaming LTB about lots of the things you say she's done - it sounds like emotional abuse.
You also should have counselling to help you move past the negative experiences you have had, and support to create new, positive experiences - without this woman who is clearly a bad fit for you.

Thank you @EverySporkIsSacred, no, I am not a troll, just struggling with something which is causing me deep unhappiness a d is affecting my emotionall and mental health and wellbeing, but with no friends or family in real life with whom I can discuss it.

I know, in my heart and head, what I need to do to protect myself, am seeking support and guidance from 'Mankind/SIDAS', but still lack the courage to take the logical step and free myself.

Well, she's clearly not the one for you. Opposites may attract but what you describe is an abusive relationship.

It's understandable that someone who isn't autistic, and who is also very different from you in other ways, may be baffled at times by your autism, but a good and kind person would not be so unwilling to try to understand, not to mention downright nasty. She sounds spectacularly unpleasant and ignorant.

ND people are so used to feeling, and being made to feel, that we're faulty and lacking, that we're often prone to try to change ourselves, or to ignore our needs, to please others. This is what we have to break free from.

You deserve a loving, caring partner and to be valued for who you are. Please consider leaving this relationship.

Just seen your update. Glad you're seeking help and support.

One thought: the fact that you live far apart is actually a blessing, in that it can give you some breathing room. If you've already got plans for a next meet-up, how about postponing it, saying you're unwell or whatever? Try to gradually reduce the frequency of seeing and contracting her.

Good luck, and do keep posting here if it helps.

If this person is affecting your mental and emotional health this badly then I do think you have to break up. The comments she has said about autism are so offensive and very disrespectful. 20 months (nearly 2 years if I’m right) yes, it is a long time but she isn’t the right one for you. I agree with Trees in that you deserve to be treated exactly as you are who is a person with autism. It sounds like your girlfriend at the moment wants you to change and fit into the NT world. Again, like Trees said, we have enough trouble fitting in already sometimes, we don’t need other people thinking we’re not good enough

Keep seeking that support whether it’s here, the organisations you mentioned or elsewhere. Good luck

Thank you @TreesAtSea, we are meeting this weekend - I am travelling up tonight, but will be going late and picking her up, along with her mum and sister, from their local cultural club, where they are gathering for a cultural tradition, folllowing the death of a family friend. Tomorrow we are going for a pub lunch with one of her friends, and her husband) and they will all, no doubt, want to stay in the pub drinking, or go back to the friend's house, to carry on - either way I shall be sitting mute, staring at the 4 walls, lost in my own World and wishing that it would hurry up and end! Her constant desire ( not sure if it is a want or a need!) to spend time in a pub or bar, and have a drink wherever we go, or whatever we do, is another source of concern - I detest alcohol and have very good reasons for doing so, although I get shut down or minimised every time I mention it! I am actually going to an Al Anon meeting this coming Monday, to seek further support and guidance, because, once again, I am not sure if I am ovrrthinking.

Thank you for the invitstion to keep posting, it is so comforting to know that I am not alone, but don't want to outstay my welcome and I know that my posts can be long and wordy

And thank you too @JewelleryCat for your kind and thoughtful comments also

See the great thing about this space here is that we are all ND as well, and I am happy to read your response, "long and wordy" as you call it... clear and explanatory I would call it!

I hope you can find the courage to stop this, I hesitate to call it relationship, because of the positive connotations of that word, because nothing you have described is positive.

You’re welcome and I just want to say that you won’t outstay your welcome here. They’re not long and wordy, you just need somewhere to vent and this board is the place to do it imo. You don’t have to say but may I ask how old you are? It just to me seems like a lot of drama whatever age you are

Hi @JewelleryCat, thank you again. I have just turned 60, and my partner is 59. Yes, agreed, it IS a lot of drama! All I desire is to love and be loved by someone who appreciates me as I am, for all the good qualities, who makes me feel valued, respected, genuinely loved and wanted, important in their life and, most of all, whole! And a human being, rather than a clumsy, awkward, unattractive and unloveable freak

I forgot to say that we met online, and my profile was, needless to say, very long, comprehensive, honest and ALL the information was there, for anyone willing or able to read between the lines - possibly why I received so little interest!! I do not wear my autism like a badge, or announce it to all and sundry, only those close to me who need to know or might be affected by it, but, no doubt, most people can work it out, or, at least, those who are cogniscent, thoughtful and sensitive! And I wanted to describe myself truthfully in an attempt to connect with those who I might 'gel' with, either in terms of an emotional relationship, or even just some new friends. I have actually lost my one true, honest, principled and honourable friend as a result of this, as I outlined in a thread back at the end of August. C'est la vie!

Nothing wrong with meeting online but it sounds like you two aren’t compatible and she isn’t willing to learn. I must say, she’s 59 and acting like a teenager or something which is what I’m getting from your posts. I’m sorry to say that she doesn’t seem to be the right one for you and even though all of us want is to be loved for how we are, sometimes it’s better to be single than with someone who doesn’t appreciate us

Oh, my long reply just disappeared, so here goes again...

As PP have said, nothing wrong with long and wordy here.

Well, her age certainly means that the slight possibility her behaviour and attitudes were down to youthful certainty about how the world and people in it should be, is not the case.

I can understand your wanting to be fully open and honest about yourself and your autism on the dating profile, but it is possible she saw that as a vulnerability to exploit. Or she thought she could change you.

Often there are threads started by women who've been very upfront with new boyfriends about their past experiences of abuse, expecting said boyfriend to be understanding and respectful. Of course most men would be, but there will always be some who will use that knowledge of vulnerabilities, for want of a better word, to their advantage. I'm not saying she did that, but frankly I wouldn't share such information about myself until I'd started to get close to someone. Could be why I'm single, of course....on which, singledom really is preferable to being mistreated.

Reading about your upcoming weekend, even if she were pleasant, it still sounds as if you're profoundly ill-suited to each other. That said, I hope it goes as well as possible for you.

Good luck.

Thank you @WeirdPookah, no, none of it is positive and it is starting to affect my ability to function rationally. Incidentally, my late dad had a lovely cat, years ago, called Pookah!

@JewelleryCat and @TreesAtSea, thank you again. Yes, much of her behaviour is very un adult and I think her mum, who I love and adore, and her daughter, who is very sensible, pragmatic and grounded, would be horrified at some of the behaviours she exhibits or has told me about - getting drunk, vomiting in taxis and decamping without paying the fare, urinating in public when her bladder has been too full to hold on (she even showed me the spot where she did it once), going round the pubs of her home city at Christmas, or when the rugby was in town, kissing (or snogging, as she put it), all the men in the pubs, going to the races every March, gambling, getting drunk and flirting with every man she came across. All this is said with pride. And the man she met at the races one year who, despite being married, suggested a FWB arrangement with her. Even now, she keeps in touch with him, mentions him occasionally, tells me how open and honest he is and that despite "loving his wife to bits" he would still cross the boundary, given the opportunity. She seems not to be aware or care how this makes me feel!

And the flirting which she does, openly, in front of me, knowing that it upsets me, seeking out, encouraging and revelling in male attention seems utterly disrespectful and designed to hurt me.

Even when I am free from her these mental images will probably remain with me in perpetuity and it will take me a very long time to heal.

But, enough of this - I could give example after example, none of it will change or improve and doesn't alter the fact that, by hook or by crook, I need to extricate myself from this toxic mess!

You do, it is a toxic mess. No one should be getting that drunk they are urinating in public imo. Sounds like an alcohol problem to me but I don’t wanna diagnose anything on the internet

@JewelleryCat, yes, I am concerned about her relationship with alcohol too - I have been there twice before with people close to me, firstly my mum who was alcoholic and secondly, a former partner, years ago, who was a secret drinker until she ended up in ICU with pancreatitis and nearly died. Never again!

She is going to the Jaimacan club tonight, with her mum and sister, for the celebration of the life of a just deceased family friend and has said that she will have a few drinks before she goes, and a few at the event - already it has started! Although she tells me that she hasn't had a drink for a few days. Not sure I believe that, but I don't know what or how often she drinks when I am not around.

A few weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, on the way back from putting flowers on my mum's grave she insisted on stopping at a pub for a drink and, we went to a matinee performance at the cinema recently and she sneaked two cans of lager into the pictures and sat beside me drinking it and then falling asleep! Any occasion, any excuse - yes, I am worried too

I’m sorry to hear about your former partner. It isn’t good that she’s already drank before the club but different people do different things. Me personally, I’m not keen on clubs but this isn’t about me

I don’t like that she did that after visiting your mums grave, sorry to hear about your mum too. It does sound like it’s any occasion for a drink

Please break the cycle! I know you probably think she is the best you'll get but you seem to be a genuinely nice guy and you deserve better.

You'll probably have to put yourself into situations you'll feel a bit uncomfortable with like groups/clubs (even a walking group - they are apparently great if you find it uncomfortable to sit and talk, or local autism group where you know nobody will belittle you for your eccentricities) and find yourself a few people who will chat to you as friends. Who knows, there may be a friendship that will blossom into something more, but you need to get out of this relationship which is making you feel rubbish first.

@DracunculusVulgaris I'm so sorry for how this awful woman has treated you. I mean no disrespect to you at all but she DOES sound awful. You sound like a kind, thoughtful and intelligent man who cares a lot about the world around him and others and she sounds the opposite of this. I kinda recoiled when you mentioned some of the things she has done in public. She sounds like she has very little awareness of how to treat other people. Please look after yourself as best you can this weekend on your trip and post here when you need to. I also second what one of the other posters said in that it's good that there Is a distance between you, that will give you some space and time to think about things.

Second paragraph of my last post should have read 'Jamaican Club'! Shows how stressed and anxious I have become, that I am now making fundamental spelling errors!😂

It is heart-rending reading through your posts on this thread.

You seem to me to be very sensitive and intelligent, so forgive my bluntness.

Very simply, your partner should be someone you like and who makes you feel good. I don't believe either of those to be true for you.

I read this advice in a column recently: When readers present so much “evidence” what they are really struggling with is: “Am I allowed to feel like this?”.

You have presented so much evidence demonstrating your incompatibility. Can you see how incompatible you are? Why are you staying in this relationship?

Also, you have a very negative perception of autism and yourself: have you considered therapy? It seems to me that you need to work on your self-worth.

Ps. Sorry for the late reply - I got distracted whilst researching Dracunculus Vulgaris. 🤓

@beautifulbrothers, thank you for your thoughts, and, yes, I clearly see how incompatible we are, and have done for ages, but the chasm has grown wider as time has gone on and I am appalled at how I seem to have allowed this situation to arise.

I am a horticulturalist by profession and Dracunculus vulgaris, along with its other Arum and Aroid relatives, are one of my favourite plants, unusual, quirky, eccentric strange, fascinating, not everyone's cup of tea and perhaps an aquired taste, but with their own place in the world - not unlike people with autism!!😂

I can really relate to what you are saying, I've always been quiet and withdrawn, I loved books as a child, and was bullied at school. My parents were cruel and called me 'dopey', I can be slow and clumsy but also am intelligent and thoughtful. Unfortunately all my male partners have been been insensitive brutes. I seem to be attracted to these men because they are confident perhaps, they have the qualities I wish I could have.
They are all the opposite of me, and the relationships were mostly physical attraction.
I feel actual repulsion when I look back on these relationships and how I let them treat me. I've been called awful names which I won't repeat on here, mocking my clumsiness and naivety. Also physical violence.
I'm single now and plan to stay that way, I have some peace of mind at least even though I can be lonely.

There is someone in your future who loves cozy nights in playing board games, reading and catching up on Netflix. Whose idea of the perfect holiday is staying away from busy nightlife and appreciating the scenery and culture. Who may even be neurodivergent herself and totally supports you.

Don’t waste anymore time with the person you are with. She is just getting in the way of you meeting ‘the one’

Just an update:
As predicted Friday and Saturday turned into a massive drinking opportunity and, by my calculations, she consumed over 30 units of alcohol from 5.00 on Friday evening to 11.00 on Saturday evening, mixed drinks - wine, cider, lager and spirits!

I broached the subject on Sunday morning and her response was " you have an issue with alcohol.I like to drink hard when I go out, I enjoy binge drinking, it is who I am, I am not going to stop or change for you or anyone else and if you don't like it you can make your own choices".

There is far more than this, including telling me, yet again, that she likes to get drunk and chat up or flirt with all the men she comes across in drinking environments.

I have my answer, she cares so little for my feelings and sensitivities that she is unwilling to compromise or meet me half way. Now I just need to find the courage to walk away!