Partner's hurtful comments

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Good morning, I am seeking some advice regarding my partner's comments toward me, since I am unsure as to whether or not I am being too sensitive. For context, I am male, so hope that I am not being intrusive, but I am in turmoil.

I have autism and it has blighted my entire life, from education to employment, friendships, relationships, social interaction, and affected my self esteem, belief in myself and self confidence, as I am sure many here will understand and identify with! I am very quiet, reserved, introspective, emotional, sensitive and a bookworm. My partner is the diametric opposite to me in that she is loud, brash, very social, abrupt, lacks any kind of filter or boundary, is rude to the point of being bullying, disorganised, forgetful, spontaneous and hugely talkative. She is also, and not wishing to diminish or belittle her, less educated, articulate and intelligent than me. We do not live together yet, and, living 75 minutes drive apart, normally only see one another st weekends or for holidays. We have been together for 20 months.

From the outset I have been very open about my autism and how it affects me, and sometimes become very emotional and tearful about it. Her response is usually to tell me to stop being so sensitive, a 'wet lettuce' and to 'man up' - none of which I find supportive or helpful and it makes me feel even more conscious and humiliated by my condition. On one occasion her response was "well, what does that mean for me?", with no suggestion as to how we could work together to build a mutually beneficial and harmonious relationship.

A couple of weeks ago she was undertaking an elearning course at work, which included a module on autism and safeguarding. When I asked for her impression and thoughts on it, she told me that it had included some video clips of people with autism talking about their experiences and that they had all come across as "slow and 'backward'" (her exact words!). I was so appalled and dumstruck that I could not quite believe what I had heard! In addition, she tells me that I am "socially awkward" (which I know already, but don't need it reinforced), calls me pathetic, that I talk 'shit' and that I am irritating ( which again I know!), strange for hating pubs, bars, and seeking to avoid noisy, crowded environments.

There is much more, but this is incredibly long already and not sure what I am actually hoping for here, other than to 'get it out' and seek some support and ideas as to how to deal with the hurtful comments which make me feel even more crap than I already do, living with this damned, constrictive, stultifying, suffocating and hellish condition. Thank you

"and if you don't like it you can make your own choices"

An open invitation to make your own choice and move onwards to finding a better life for yourself. I hope you find a strength to do so.

(and how neat about the cat called Pookah, the myths around Pookahs and Boggarts often include they take the form of a cat in a house, you should leave out saucers of milk to please them and they will protect your home.)

I think you need to ring her, maybe meet in a public place so she hopefully doesn’t make a scene and just say that it’s time to break up. I don’t mean to make it sound so blunt and I know break ups are hard but it’ll be better for you if it’s done

@WeirdPookah and @JewelleryCat, thank you both.
Yes, she has made it clear that her need, want or desire to carry on with these behaviours transcends her wish to have me in her life. I have now reached the crossroads and have to choose the correct path for me - either into broad, sunlit uplands (to paraphrase Churchill!) or to descend into a life of unhappiness, insecurity and utter misery. It will be hard because I will also lose the connection with her wonderful, lovely mum

Leave your girlfriend but don't unfriend her mum.

Dracunculus vulgaris

I looked that up. Impressed by the self-heating ability but could do without the rotting meat odour.

For what it's worth...I know that autism and safeguarding course (my OH teaches it). If anybody can come out of that without an ounce of empathy, they really are never going to change.

I mean, it's largely wrong about autism (it's all based on the model of autism from over 10 years ago), but still...it hurts that there are still people in the world who can react to it the way she did.

You're better off without her - don't second-guess the decision you've made here, and don't for one second feel that you need to stay out of a sense of responsibility. You've reached a point in life where you deserve somebody who can actually treat you with dignity and respect, and not behave like a teenager who's just discovered beer.

I’m AuDHD, diagnosed as an adult. It does impact on your whole life. Intentionally or not; people make you feel ‘less than’ and you start to believe you might be.
You deserve so much more than this. Someone once said to me ‘There’s nothing lonelier than being in an unhappy relationship’. I learned this the hard way and I broke free of a toxic marriage.
I have a partner now who is open to learning about my neurodivergence. One time he said a compliment and I said ‘Even when my meds have worn off and I’m rambling?’ 😂 he said ‘especially then!’. You deserve to be with someone who understands you and loves you for you. I think you need to break free.

How are you doing @DracunculusVulgaris?

Bless you @JewelleryCat, thank you for asking - I am doing okay, but still haven't managed to cut the ties yet, for what reason I cannot quite fathom, since all my instincts are telling me to do so!

However, after yet another weekend of being emotionally bruised and battered, last weekend, and being embarrassed on two occasions by her rudeness to shop staff and a customer service advisor, plus a repeat of her assertion that she enjoys drinking and has no intention of stopping, I am, this weekend, staying at at home in order to put some distance between us, prevent another metaphoric kicking, lick my wounds, consider my strategy and catch up on some of my own chores and projects! And I feel an enormous sense of relief at that prospect!!

Thank you for asking

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of hurt and misunderstanding in your relationship. It's important to have supportive and understanding relationships, especially when facing personal challenges.
The differences in personality and understanding between you and your partner seem to be creating a divide. It's concerning to hear that your partner's remarks are derogatory and dismissive of your feelings and experiences. It can be very damaging to be told to "man up" or be belittled for emotional expressions, especially when those emotions are tied to something as personal and significant as your autism.
It might be beneficial to seek couples counselling or therapy, where a neutral third party could help mediate the conversation and educate your partner on the impact of her words and actions. Understanding autism and its impact on your life is crucial for both of you to build a more supportive and understanding relationship.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, understood, and supported. It might be a tough decision but reflect on whether this relationship is contributing positively to your well-being or if it's causing more distress.
Additionally, individual counselling might provide a space for you to explore your feelings, build self-esteem, and develop coping strategies. It’s essential to surround yourself with a supportive network, be it through counselling, support groups, or connecting with others who understand your experiences.
Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's important to have open and respectful communication in your relationship to work through these issues. Your awareness and articulation of your feelings and experiences are a significant first step towards seeking change and support.

Thank you @faithnte, unfortunately couples counselling is not an option - my partner has said to me, on many occasions, "this is me, this is my personality, I'm not going to mind my P's & Q's for you or anybody else, and I am not going to change". I am now afraid to open my mouth, say anything or do anything as I am immediately shut down if I do.

She has demonstrated, over and over again, a staggering lack of self awareness, ignorance and inability to consider anyone's feelings but her own. Even last weekend, when I said that I do not want to be around or anywhere near drunk people she said, without a trace of irony, "of course not, nobody does" - this coming from one who has proudly, and repeatedly, told me about the risky, antisocial and promiscuous behaviours she has engaged in when drunk, in the past. And still tells me that she is going to carry on drinking to excess because she enjoys it.

My dear, honest, principled, thoroughly decent friend J, from whom I am currently estranged, as a direct result of this, told me, long ago, that my partner shows narcicistic traits - I wish I had listened, how I wish I had listened, she was right all along, but I chose not to hear it.

You’re very welcome. I think some time to yourself this weekend is a very good idea and do whatever you want whether that’s staying in, going out, being with friends or on your own.

Chores are very boring but they do need to be done but at least you’ll have space and space is good but I do think you should start thinking about cutting ties. I get that it is hard and I can’t remember how long you’ve been together but you’ll be happier without her I do believe.

Anyway, have fun and stay dry this weekend or if you do go out, waterproofs and an umbrella needed!