Autistic boyfriend

[paradoxically2]

I'm hoping someone can help me understand something. If I offend, my apologies. I don't mean to stereotype or presume but I am in a bit of a quandary.
My BF is autistic. He is smart and funny and I do really love him. He has traits that I am led to believe are not unusual for people with autism. Doesn't reply to messages in a timely manner or at all. Doesn't do chit chat on messaging apps. I'm learning to be ok with these things. He explains that he doesn't know what to say or how to say or even that there was any reason to reply to some messages. Ok. I get it. But my question is, how do I know if something I send him was met with approval or if he thought it was yucky. He doesn't comment. I'm worried one day he will just suddenly say he's gone off me because of xyz but he never told me along the way.

Thank you, but...it's really just spending a lot of time thinking about it.

I'm somewhat ashamed to say that, in my younger years, I had really uncharitable thoughts about autistic folk and ADHD. The turnaround to being diagnosed was....quite the eye-opener. Never had my mind changed so hard in my life. As a result, I've spent a lot of time thinking about what makes me different from typical, but also trying to be understanding of where most NT folk are coming from.

Honestly, though, it's a pleasure when somebody comes along who actively wants to listen. Sadly, it happens much less often than you'd think.

In answer to whether I feel a lot of passion - generally no. I find overly emotional responses a bit strange and struggle to see where people are coming from.

Also, the not communicating when away from you is an object permanence issue - it’s kinda like you can’t really remember people when they’re not physically there. It’s nothing personal tho :)

So if you don't feel particularly passionate ever, what makes your relationships stand apart from friendships? And do you not miss your partner when apart?

Do you or have you ever had that knee trembling, overwhelming attraction for anyone?

Lust? Where your clitoris and vulva tingle a bit when the person is around? Yes, it's very distracting and I wish it wouldn't happen.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia really? Wow! That's interesting. So you find it a distraction rather than exciting? It doesn't make you want to be around that person more and to be physical with them?

Both. One of my colleague's causes that feeling and I really wish he didn't. When I'm dating someone, it's less annoying because we can both act on it.

But I struggle with dating anyway so it would be easier for me if I just didn't have to deal with wanting sex at all.

Do you can get the fanny gallops around someone you don't mentally or emotionally fancy? What is it about someone that would make you feel that way if you don't 'like' them romantically?
Have you ever had a relationship with another ASD person?

First, define "romantically", because I don't understand what that word means.

I've dated one diagnosed autistic man and probably a couple others that were undiagnosed.

Colleague is good-looking, clever, and I can argue with him without us refusing to speak to each other again. Definitely, I like smart people.

"Fanny gallops" sounds like it should be a female race horse.

Thought #1: "Fanny gallops" is absolutely the best thing I've heard in ages. Well played.

Thought #2: @paradoxically2 - I've just discovered a YouTuber by the name of The Thought Spot, who's got a whole load of videos you might find useful for insight and tips/tricks. Here's a good starter for you:

Worth noting that this particular video is entirely from the perspective of the autistic person asking for accommodations - real relationships obviously don't work that way, and she talks in other videos about how it goes the other way too. Don't be disheartened :)

Such a great content creator. She speaks so clearly and explains things so well. Thank you for sharing

@paradoxically2 There's really no difference at all between romantic relationships and friendships for me - except with one you can get certain needs met that you can't generally with friends. And nope, don't really miss people when they're not around. My brain is quite happy looking up stuff on the web

And as for lust - @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia has it nailed.

So do you never feel extra deep feelings for someone? Like you would be devastated if they were not going to be in your life? Have you been very very upset at a relationship break up?

I have been very upset at a breakup and grieved the lost friendship, yes.

My best friend of all time has pointed ears 🐱and I genuinely don't know how I will cope with his future death. Animals are easier to get on with than people.

For what it's worth...I do, but they're very specific to the one person I'm married to. Everybody else I've ever met is just...a person I know, including family and previous relationships, and the only differentiating factor between any of them is how much effort I'm willing to go to for them.

And, in an utterly-not-shocking revelation, our dogs pretty much rank above all the people apart from my other half, because I've always found it far easier to bond with dogs than with almost any human; they don't question, they don't judge (well, our Akita does...), and they never ever reject you for missing a hint.

they never ever reject you for missing a hint.

They just repeat the hint, with louder solicitation purring.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia @ntmdino can you explain what happened or why the person you are or were deeply in love with was different from other people? What did you feel so strongly for this person and no one else? This is a puzzle to me. You obviously can feel huge love for an individual. But not many?

And how quickly did you realise you felt this way about that person?

I'll be honest, I've always tried to avoid intellectually analysing it the way I do with everything else. It seems unnecessary and completely redundant - I have absolutely no reason to question why my other half is "my person". That's just the way it is.

Obviously, it didn't happen immediately; there were a number of rocky years to begin with, but to a certain degree my tendency to regard any decision I make for myself as permanent mitigated that (this is a common autistic trait - once a decision's made, it doesn't need revisiting).

Since then, though, my marriage has always been the one relationship in my life that has never needed to be questioned - home is my safe place, the only place where I can take refuge from the rest of the world, containing the only person I don't need to mask with (this is a realisation that I only made a couple of years ago, coinciding with the discovery that I'm autistic).

Does that all make sense to you?

@ntmdino yes. You've explained really nicely thank you. Sorry for probing and asking for some sort of analysis. I guess I'm just trying to understand if my bf decides he wants to stay with me, what would make him feel that way. But of course that's a ridiculous question because you are not him! I'm finding it very interesting that you decided your partner was your person. Something wonderful must have been there for you to have decided that. I'm glad you have found your person

No need to apologise, I wouldn't be in the thread if I minded ;)

I do often have to remind myself that, as confusing and confounding as I've found neurotypicals all my life...that's exactly how confusing it is when y'all are confronted with one of us who's not masking heavily.

Consider this: if he's being obviously autistic when he's with you, it's reasonably likely that he's not masking. That means a hell of a lot; we tend to only do that when we feel safe (and it takes a lot of effort to learn to do that for the late-diagnosed).

@ntmdino Consider this: if he's being obviously autistic when he's with you, it's reasonably likely that he's not masking. That means a hell of a lot; we tend to only do that when we feel safe (and it takes a lot of effort to learn to do that for the late-diagnosed).
Ooooooh. This is such a valid point. I hadn't thought of that. He says I'm easy to talk to.

He is lovely and I really want to make this work

What happened:

Mum brought him in in the carrier at eight weeks old when a relative couldn't keep him and I looked at this sweet little face and I was overwhelmed with a big feeling in my chest that I don't have a name for, but that made me want to be kind to him and spend time around him. Then I was off sick from work for a while when he was three-four months old and he spent his time with playing with me or curled up on me purring.

Why:

I think that me being off work at the time that he was so young made us bond strongly. If he doesn't come to bed because he's gone hunting, I can't sleep properly.

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Oh, you meant human lovers? They are just friends who I have sex with and do nice things with. When the relationship is over, it's either because they've ended it or because I don't want to be friends anymore.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia HAahaa!! Love it!

But... Oh, you meant human lovers? They are just friends who I have sex with and do nice things with. When the relationship is over, it's either because they've ended it or because I don't want to be friends anymore.
What makes you just not want to be friends anymore? Do you get bored? Are they just friends like your other friends with the addition of being people who you also have sex with? There is no other feeling of attachment?