Autistic boyfriend

[paradoxically2]

I'm hoping someone can help me understand something. If I offend, my apologies. I don't mean to stereotype or presume but I am in a bit of a quandary.
My BF is autistic. He is smart and funny and I do really love him. He has traits that I am led to believe are not unusual for people with autism. Doesn't reply to messages in a timely manner or at all. Doesn't do chit chat on messaging apps. I'm learning to be ok with these things. He explains that he doesn't know what to say or how to say or even that there was any reason to reply to some messages. Ok. I get it. But my question is, how do I know if something I send him was met with approval or if he thought it was yucky. He doesn't comment. I'm worried one day he will just suddenly say he's gone off me because of xyz but he never told me along the way.

And if I push he gets stressed. I worry one day he will just say it's all too stressful and he no longer wants to be with me.

I'm going from the "on average" autistic person I've met, but...

I'm worried one day he will just suddenly say he's gone off me because of xyz but he never told me along the way.

That would, most definitely, count as "something significant to tell you". If he thinks something's yucky, he'll probably tell you, but you'll need to give him some parameters - he'll likely be terrified of offending you with his natural communication style, so it would probably help both of you if you gave him actual examples of things that you're cool with, and times you were anticipating a reply but didn't get one. You might need to stretch your definition of "things that you're cool with" a bit, but you can also say to him that you won't take offence if he gets it wrong - just ask if he's OK with constructive feedback on that.

The feedback loop is definitely important, because that's the #1 way in which your relationship's going to grow.

I'm afraid there's no getting around the fact that communicating with us is something NTs need to learn if they want to be in our lives; it goes both ways, but most of the time we're already doing our best to meet you in the middle.

Going back to the original question, though...good ways to tell if he's into you:

• He's still infodumping on you about <anything>
• He invites you to join in with his special interests
• He does things/makes things/arranges things for you - we tend to show affection by doing rather than saying
• He changes his routine for you
• He'll try to fix things that are upsetting/annoying you
• He's happy sitting in silence with you

Of course, I have absolutely no idea if any of that's useful ;)

Thank you @ntmdino

I don't know. It's hard for him but it's also hard for me. I'm trying to be ok with all the typical signs that someone is into you not being there.

He finds me a bit stressful and sometimes needs me to he less intense. I think this means he needs me to back off a bit. If I just leave him alone and don't message him for a week, will he just forget me? Like he will happily go into his calm world and kind of forget I am his gf

No, not at all. It's likely he's just not sure how relationships are supposed to work - has he had many relationships in the past? It may not be that he finds you stressful, but rather he finds the experience of trying to adapt to you stressful; remember that all the things that are instinctive for you (eg reading faces/emotions, communicating etc) he probably has to think about and reason his way through. And, if it's his first serious relationship, he won't have a massive library of behaviours to fall back on.

For context, I've been married 23 years and I still need my alone-and-recharge time, and that can vary from a couple of hours every few days to two or three days at a time. As my other half says, it's not something to take personally or see as an indication that something's wrong.

Perhaps ask him if, when he's recharging, it's OK for you to message (in anticipation of a reply) just to check that he's fine and nothing's wrong - put it in the context of just something small that you need from him in the same way that he needs you to allow him the recharge time.

In the same vein, though, he needs to be able to tell you when he's struggling to keep up.

It's counterintuitive, but in NT-ND relationships, there needs to be more explicit communication about state of mind, because neither of you are going to be able to accurately intuit it - at least, not to begin with.

He seems to feel exhausted by too much communication though. In person it's absolutely fine. But it when we are apart that it all goes a bit weird between us.

May I ask, do you feel much passion? Do you feel intense? He says he doesn't and never really has but he's very physical when we are intimate and is obviously enjoying himself. It's emotional passion he seems to not feel. It freaks him out apparently.

He's had a couple relationships. A late bloomer. Started in his 20s. They both ended the relationship. We are in our 40s

That's a fair question. If you'd asked me that 10-15 years ago, I might've given the same answer he did.

Now, having done a lot of soul-searching about my younger years...it's more a case of emotional repression. When I was young, I was very exuberant, and that caused a lot of social rejection and ridicule. As a result, I learned to keep it in check, and internalise it all; so yes, I feel the emotions and the attachment very strongly, but...three or four decades of keeping it all inside means I have no real way to show it any more. To me, the passion and intensity are outward expressions of those strong emotions, and those tools just aren't in my toolbox any more.

Does that make any sense to you?

Gosh yes. That's how I feel he is exactly. Lots of rejection and bullied as a kid. Never fitted in etc. all his school memories are pretty negative. He even says things like he puts things inside the 'box' and keeps it firmly closed when discussing emotional stuff. I just wasn't sure if it was him or a reaction to all the unpleasant stuff in his youth or if it was a common trait amongst ASD to just not feel intensely. He can seem pretty passionate but then it freaks him out again

Do you think you'll ever heal enough to re-connect with that side of you?

I guess I'm trying to work out what is his character and what is the autism. What can be worked on and what is just to be accepted. Emotional repression can be worked through. Autism can't and isn't something to be 'worked on'. It's just who he is and he's wonderful.

I think a very important thing for you to know (and most of us wish everybody could know) is that you can't separate "him" from "his autism" - they are one and the same, it's part of us is it's intrinsic to our personality and character.

For those of us who experience that repression (which is basically all of us who've managed to pass for typical until middle age, for certain) it's fundamentally part of masking...and most of us will never be able to switch that off entirely. I can certainly consciously and deliberately put a passionate show on - given enough examples in film and TV, and having watched my other half over the years, I can easily make it look the way NTs would recognise. I'm just eternally grateful that my other half is so comfortable with me after a couple of decades that I don't have to.

That's not to say that we can't modify some of our behaviours, but they're almost always going to be something we consciously think about first.

I don't see it as something to "heal from" - it's just a part of me. I would probably never have shown passion or intensity in the same way as NTs anyway, so my factory settings would just have resulted in a similar disconnect to the one you're experiencing with him now, just for different reasons.

Which is to say...he could probably learn to show passion in the way you'd recognise, but I'm not sure you'd want him to because it would likely just be another mask - he'd be doing it to make you feel happy, which I suspect is the wrong result. Stay with him long enough, though, and you'll begin to spot the signs that it's there. If he's anything like me, it'll be there in the way he begins to drop the mask when you're alone, or in the similarities between the way he talks about his special interests and the way he talks about his time with you, or in the frankly insane amount of time he'll spend researching the perfect Christmas present...

It's there. It just doesn't show the same way you'd expect it to.

You know this board is for ND mumsnetters?

There is plenty space for you to analyse your BF elsewhere.

While that's true, this is also the only place she won't get the useless "He's abusive, LTB" responses.

It took a long time to get this space for us, I feel a bit protective over it.

I'm sorry. I have misunderstood the rules if this group. I thought it was for anyone dealing with ND issues. @ntmdino is right, so many people would just say LTB and say I'm making excuses but I know he's not an arse. He's a good guy. But if this isn't the place, I'll leave. But thank you @ntmdino for understanding and realising I just want help to navigate something I feel is worth navigating.

Where? I just don't know where to ask. People are so judgemental and think I'm making excuses for his behaviour but I know his behaviour's are not unusual for someone ND. If I could find rational people who understood and could give me sound non judgmental advise I'd be so happy

Well, I clearly don't agree with @comedownwithme , in that I think the absolute best thing you can do is ask autistic people what their experience is. If you ask their NT partners (or, worse, a board full of NT people who make decisions on behalf of autistic people) then you're never going to get the answers you want - because you're trying to understand him rather than getting a list of suggestions from the outside.

Very few NTs come in here asking us directly, and while I understand the need for a safe-ish space here, I think the odd one or two isn't a complete disaster (especially when helping you is indirectly helping another autistic person).

After all, one of the biggest asks we have of the NT world is to listen to us. Seems counter-productive to turn that away.

Well, I clearly don't agree with @comedownwithme , in that I think the absolute best thing you can do is ask autistic people what their experience is. I

I'm not saying don't ask. I'm saying don't ask on this specific board when there are plenty others.

This board was created for ND people.

@ntmdino you sound like an incredible person. Smart, coherent and rational. You really come across very well. @comedownwithme I do understand your position and I can see how in a world where you feel everything is geared up for NT it is valuable to you to have your own space.
I wish there was a space where NTs could reach out and be educated by ND. Even though everyone ND is individual there are shared themes that wider society would be improved upon by understanding and learning from.

I do understand your position and I can see how in a world where you feel everything is geared up for NT it is valuable to you to have your own space.

I find this really patronising

I wish there was a space where NTs could reach out and be educated by ND

You have the whole of the rest of the forum to choose from. There are multiple places you could pots and ask. You sound like you are the aggrieved or hard done by because I want to defend this space.

Oh no. I don't mean to be patronising at all. Not at all. I'm sorry you read it that way.

I'm not aggrieved at all. I'm simply expressing that I understand why you might feel like this forum is your space and not for me.

Please don't think I'm thinking anything negative about you at all

I've just seen the headliner of this forum. It explicitly state that others who are not neurodivergent may use the forum. I don't want to upset anyone but if the forum creators welcome NT posters then I shall continue to use it for purposes that involve better relationships with ND person/people.

I think a very important thing for you to know (and most of us wish everybody could know) is that you can't separate "him" from "his autism" - they are one and the same, it's part of us is it's intrinsic to our personality and character.

⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆

This is why many of us reject "person with autism" in favour of "autistic person". It's not like having a cold or having a migraine, it's core to how we perceive the world. There isn't a NT person inside me screaming to get out.

The easiest way to see what I'm like when not repressing is to give me alcohol in an environment devoted to my favourite subject. (Mine is very outing, but imagine getting a steam railway geek drunk at the National Railway Museum.) Please don't get your BF drunk without his explicit consent.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia @ntmdino

I think a very important thing for you to know (and most of us wish everybody could know) is that you can't separate "him" from "his autism" - they are one and the same, it's part of us is it's intrinsic to our personality and character.

Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me.

I apologise I have never seen that. I thought it was for ND posters and have seen others say the same on the past. Sorry.

@comedownwithme I apologise I have never seen that. I thought it was for ND posters and have seen others say the same on the past. Sorry.
As I said, I appreciate how important it is for you to feel like you have your space. I mean that. I am really wanting to understand more and become a ND ally. For what it's worth I have 3 dc all with ADHD & dyslexia. Whilst not the same as ASD I am learning how much better a parent I would have been had I understood the nature of these neuro types. I feel so guilty for knowing so little when they were young. Still learning. Always learning.