So sad because I’m autistic and I can’t make friends

[Forgetmenott]

Yes before you ask I have posted about this before.

I am so sad. My kid doesn’t have anyone to play with because I have autism and can’t make mum friends. There are no kids in our street. But someone with kids moved in a couple of streets away so I tried my best. I arranged for them to come to our house for a play date, then we were invited to theirs, then we took the kids to the park together. I thought it was a good start, but after that there’s been nothing for the past six weeks.

I asked a couple of times if the kids could play together and she said she was working. Including all three days of every bank holiday, which is obviously not true. I asked on here for advice and was told to leave it till the next time we crossed paths at the kids football. Which I did.

She said hello. I asked about her plans for half term and she didn’t know how fast to say “I’m not sure, I mean we’re spending the weekend with your family aren’t we DH”. DH (who clearly didn’t want to get involved) said “I’m doing whatever you’ve planned, I don’t know what we’re doing”. And he walked away so he didn’t have to speak any further. Then (obviously feeling guilty) she said I’m taking the kids to the park on Monday, just for an hour, if you want to come. I said yeah that would be great, let me know what time. And obviously she never texted.

If she wanted the kids to play together she could have made time this week. So clearly I’ve been given the brush off. I don’t know why nobody wants to be friends with me and I just feel so sad, because this has happened to me so many times. I tried so hard and I thought I’d finally succeeded, if not with making a friend then at least with making an acquaintance so my DS could have a friend. And I feel so sad for my little boy because my failure has lost him his friend.

What’s breaking my heart is that I was at school parents evening last week and a couple of months ago (around the time of the play date) DS wrote the friend’s name in his book under the title My Friend, with a drawing and a heart. He was so happy to have a friend. And I’ve ruined it for him by being shit and useless yet again, and I don’t even know how or why.

Is he not invited to anyone’s home?

Including all three days of every bank holiday, which is obviously not true

huh?

How old is your child?

do you have a partner?

No, never. Not until I invited this family to our house and they accepted, and invited us to theirs in return. Thought I’d succeeded in making a friend for him, but obviously I was wrong.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday over the bank holiday weekend. Three days.

And?

you are calling this woman a liar for working three bank holidays.

maybe it’s not your autism that lies at the root of your situation

Five. Yes I have a partner. He works a lot. He has a few friends but none with primary school kids.

I feel for you and don't know the answer or I would have friends myself beyond acquaintances.
Please take this with the kindness it is meant I wonder if you are coming across as desperate.
I would relax on the finding friends thing and continue to be at the park surely other mums go there and you will strike up a conversation.

I agree with this. I don't have children so I realise I'm not in your situation. But in looking back at the many, largely failed, attempts I've made at friendship, especially as an adult, I can now see that I tended to regard some people as friends, while it would later become obvious that to them I was just an acquaintance. It's often been painful, lonely and embarrassing.

The woman you mention probably doesn't think badly of you at all, she may just have a busy life and already know lots of people. Whereas the difficulties you have making friends, with your added concern for your son, means each and every contact is potentially very important. It's very easy to say, I know, but the more you and your son are around other mums and children, in any situation, the greater the chance that a conversation will start or that your son will find himself mingling with other children and build friendships slowly.

Wishing you all the best.

How old is your child? My main strategies while my kids are in primary school have been:

• Smile and wave at every parent that I even know remotely a small bit at the school gate, even if I feel super antisocial- if I am having a selectively-mute day I put my headphones on and read my phone - I still smile and wave but look busy
• Go to the local park straight from school if 2 out of 3 of my kids ask to go, then smile/ wave/ sit next to whatever parents I recognise
• Hold whole class parties every year (this is finance dependent!) and make a point of having tea/ coffee/ biscuits available for parents and try to make small talk with them all at least once during the parties
• Smile and nod at every parent I see regularly at extra curricula events
• be pushy and approach groups of parents of children I know my child plays with or talks to.

The strategies will probably be different at secondary- we haven't reached that stage yet! At its most basic, I force myself out of my comfort zone, make small talk that I hate making, and if a fellow parent makes eye contact and smiles or looks friendly I start a conversation. I am autistic and none of this comes naturally to me, but I have decided to actively pursue casual acquaintances at the very least, and it has made a difference to the amount my children are included by other parents (all 3 of mine are also neurodiverse). I don't remember from your previous thread if your child is also autistic/ ND? If so, it's sadly possible that its not you that's causing problems but that your child is being excluded because the friends child realises something is 'different' about them so the adult is making excuses because their child doesn't want to spend time with yours. I also gravtitate to the parents of my childrens friends, I have been at the school gate for 7 years with my eldest and so know which parents belong to her friends. It's not easy, and it has been very intentional, and often I am having conversations I don't enjoy (Small talk, about the weather/ kids/ etc rather than actually getting to know each others likes/ dislikes/ etc) in settings I don't enjoy (the park, loud kids parties, standing around the school gate). But it has made a difference. One key thing I don't do is: Overshare, I keep it very much surface level chat unless I click with a parent, and I also intentionally avoid overthinking afterwards- by redirecting my thoughts or deciding actively not to swell on my perceived mistakes.

Unfortunately I don’t get to talk to other parents at the school gate. In the morning it’s a drop-and-run situation - if I see a parent I recognise I’ll say hello, but that’s all we have time for because we’re both rushing to work.

In the evening his grandparents sometimes pick him up, but on the days I pick him up myself there are no parents to talk to, because the other kids are being picked up by grandparents or childminders. Which is probably why there have been no play date invitations - because the kids are all in care after school while their parents work.

I was hoping there might be some invitations at weekends but unfortunately not. I’ve tried messaging a couple of other parents to try to arrange play dates, they’ve said “yeah sounds great, will get back to you” but then they never have, and I don’t like to push.

DS does play with other kids at school, and does get included in class parties every few months, but has nobody to play with on a regular basis and has never been invited for a play date. So when someone with kids the same age moved in nearby I thought this was ideal, he could make friends and just pop round, and they could play in the street. But I’ve screwed it up and I don’t really know how. I thought she’d be keen for her kids to have a friend who lived round the corner, who they could just pop round to play with, but I was obviously wrong.

Today I took DS to the park, and there were three boys there with someone who was probably their grandad. DS tried so hard to play with them, he told them his name and tried to join in. But after a few minutes they said go away, we don’t want to play with you. DS cried his eyes out.

I just want so desperately for him to have a friend, because I know how awful it is to have no friends. It’s my fault he doesn’t have any and it breaks my heart to see him being sad and lonely. I said to DH today, if I’d known he would suffer like this I wouldn’t have had him.

Does your DS have any siblings or cousins? And is he happy to just play by himself or is he pushing the "friends" thing? Its a bit different for mine as there are 3 of them, but playdates here are once a half term/ once a term, if you are working and "drop and run" at the school gates you won't necessarily have the time to build those relationships- I am a SAHM so have the time to hang around and at our school most children have a parent collecting them. (Not a criticism of you working at all! Each family has their own set of circumstances which work for them). And those once every 6 weeks meet ups are with different children as schedules clash/ people are busy. I don't know anyone who does playdates on weekends really as weekends are, generally speaking here, for clubs or for family time.

Something worth remembering is that you, and your DS, won't click with everyone and that's ok, its not a bad thing. The only thing it seems like you have in common with the local lady and her child is that you live locally and your boys play football. Chances are you wouldn't get along in that situation, its not necessarily you.
Does your DS use computer games/ Console games at all? As a lot of my kids "friends" time outside of school is actually in minecraft etc rather than in person playing. Could that work for your DS?
And what sort of hobbies/ interests do you have? Can you engage your DS in your hobbies then he can meet people through those?

No siblings. One cousin but it’s a 3hr drive so we rarely see him. DS is desperate for friends - he keeps sighing sadly and saying he has no kids to play with. When I take him out and other kids (who are already with their friends) don’t want him to join in, he will cry. If he does get to briefly play with a child who’s interested in him, he will cry when they go home.

My hobbies are all solo, I have no friends. Working out at the gym, drawing, reading, watching tv, playing the guitar. Nothing that DS could meet friends through. And he’s only five so he’s too little to play computer games.

I’m just at a loss how to help him. I’ve tried my best to make friends with several mums but usually I get rejected on the first attempt. This latest situation is the most disappointing because I briefly thought I’d cracked it, only to be rejected after the third play date. The mum doesn’t even have to be my friend - I am literally willing to be a free babysitter for anyone who will send their kids to play, and still nobody is interested.

@Forgetmenott sorry this is happening for you.

My DS is a teenager and has only recently been diagnosed with asd/adhd, which prompted me to get an adhd diagnosis and fairly sure I'm also autistic. I wish I'd known about our neurodiversity earlier.

One of the things I'd have done differently if I'd known he was autistic would be to not try so hard to build social relationships him. We did manage playdates and sleepovers, but it was all so bloody hard work, and always felt precarious and DS thinks in retrospect that there was low-level bullying from his so-called friends. Anyway, now puberty has hit it has all evaporated. He has no-one he calls a friend anymore. It is really sad. Properly heartbreaking, maybe more for me than him.

I don't know, it's better sometimes to have no friends than shit friends? I'm trying not to stress about it and it seems like we're better off discovering and making friends with our actual real selves iyswim?

Another thought perhaps is to not try making friends with parents? Find inclusive, structured clubs or playgroups for him, and think about what you need from friendships separately?

@catmu sorry to hear about your son’s difficulties. I’ve been an isolated autistic teenager with no friends and it’s awful.

I don’t want any friends myself - when I was in my teens and twenties I did, but now I’m just so tired of being bullied and rejected that I don’t even want to try any more. I literally just want other mums to know me enough to think I’m a safe person to send their kids to, so my DS can have friends to come round to play.

I do my best with taking DS to his weekly football club, but I have neither the money nor the inclination to go to a dozen clubs a week. Other kids don’t go to clubs every day, they just play with other kids at home or in the street. That’s all I want for DS.

This makes me so sad to read and I would 100% be your friend if you were near us .
i think the weekend thing can be tricky as most people in my experience spend it as a family and don’t organise play dates then - I have friends who are single or have only children who really feel this and have commented they find weekends lonely.

i agree that structured groups can really help if you can manage this. DS joined a little golf group at that age and structured things can be much easier sometimes as a starting point .
also please don’t blame yourself as you sound wonderful. It’s not easy and it can get better ; our ds luckily found two girls very kind to him at both his schools in his younger years and it was enough to make it ok. is your DS at school?

I agree with this. I don't have children so I realise I'm not in your situation. But in looking back at the many, largely failed, attempts I've made at friendship, especially as an adult, I can now see that I tended to regard some people as friends, while it would later become obvious that to them I was just an acquaintance. It's often been painful, lonely and embarrassing.

Oh this is so true. I look back and want to die of embarrassment at my pathetic repeated texts - I couldn't tell friendship from friendly.
Op, I am in the same boat. The current ND super power pride movement makes it worse - I feel like I'm even doing autism wrong.
Try to enjoy the small things, like time with your kid. Play with him at the park, don't wait for someone else to do it. Get him into a club where it's not unstructured time to pick and choose your company.

People don't really have play dates at weekends or bank holidays.

I don't know how old your son is but sign him up for the local beavers/cubs/scouts and maybe volunteer as a helper yourself. There may well be some overlap with his school friends but he (and you!) will meet some new people to recognized and play with in the park.

Making friends is hard and complicated. 😕

I would talk to the school and say you are concerned he has trouble making friends. Ask his teacher for pointers on what areas of his social skills need developing. Also if they think he is autistic. Ask them who in the class might be a good fit to ask over for a playdate.

Does he take turns in games and conversations? Is he considerate of other children's feelings? The friendship will only work if the other child enjoys the time they spend together too.

Hi op.

Does your DC have trouble making friends on his own? I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself. He’s at school a lot during the week where he’s in social settings.

Like another poster has suggested, can you sign him up for groups? Like football, judo, scouts? He’s then getting more social interaction there and can maybe make some friends.

I have had this worry before with my own DS who is 6 but I try and take him to social setting like soft play. He forms his own friendships at school though so I try not to worry too much.

Oh OP I am in the same situation with my 5 year old. I'm also so so sad that I didn't have another child so that they could play with each other. Have you tried joining Peanut? I haven't managed to find anyone on there but you might be luckier than me.

Autism is hereditary so your son might also be autistic.

The stench of desperation is a very effective people repellent. You need not to glom onto people because they will visibly do that "looking scared whilst backing away" thing.

I went for the Millwall option ("no one likes me, I don't care") some years ago and just focussed on doing things I enjoy. A small number of people now talk to me, most of whom respect my competence and honesty.

It does feel like beavers/cubs - or similar: cadets, woodcraft folk would suit your son.

Friendship doesn't have to take the form of playdates.

Does your neighbour have one child? Just if there are more than one - having a playmate for one means she also has to arrange the same for the other, to be fair can be a hassle.
Is your DS good at sport - for a boy being good at Football etc means he is more included ime. My DGS, thanks to his DF doing the training, is v good at football despite probably being smallest in class. This makes him accepted and admired though I think he lacks good friends.
I would try to get him into sports. Even if you have to join him (eg tennis, cycling not football 😂)
I heard on a radio prog that 1 in 8 have autism /ADHD etc.
Can you look for another 'outsider' among the Mums.

I've never had friends much - but I avoided the others eg at the school gates, who seemed a bit odd or non-included. I think I was desperate to be one of the gang. Maybe that would have made a difference.