So sad because I’m autistic and I can’t make friends

[Forgetmenott]

Yes before you ask I have posted about this before.

I am so sad. My kid doesn’t have anyone to play with because I have autism and can’t make mum friends. There are no kids in our street. But someone with kids moved in a couple of streets away so I tried my best. I arranged for them to come to our house for a play date, then we were invited to theirs, then we took the kids to the park together. I thought it was a good start, but after that there’s been nothing for the past six weeks.

I asked a couple of times if the kids could play together and she said she was working. Including all three days of every bank holiday, which is obviously not true. I asked on here for advice and was told to leave it till the next time we crossed paths at the kids football. Which I did.

She said hello. I asked about her plans for half term and she didn’t know how fast to say “I’m not sure, I mean we’re spending the weekend with your family aren’t we DH”. DH (who clearly didn’t want to get involved) said “I’m doing whatever you’ve planned, I don’t know what we’re doing”. And he walked away so he didn’t have to speak any further. Then (obviously feeling guilty) she said I’m taking the kids to the park on Monday, just for an hour, if you want to come. I said yeah that would be great, let me know what time. And obviously she never texted.

If she wanted the kids to play together she could have made time this week. So clearly I’ve been given the brush off. I don’t know why nobody wants to be friends with me and I just feel so sad, because this has happened to me so many times. I tried so hard and I thought I’d finally succeeded, if not with making a friend then at least with making an acquaintance so my DS could have a friend. And I feel so sad for my little boy because my failure has lost him his friend.

What’s breaking my heart is that I was at school parents evening last week and a couple of months ago (around the time of the play date) DS wrote the friend’s name in his book under the title My Friend, with a drawing and a heart. He was so happy to have a friend. And I’ve ruined it for him by being shit and useless yet again, and I don’t even know how or why.

Thanks for your reply. My son also has autism and struggles a bit with making friends. He does mix at school. Unfortunately he’s not sporty but he’s not at an age where that matters yet. He just keeps asking me for someone to play with at weekends and holidays, and it breaks my heart. All of the other mums seem to have friends with kids so they have someone to play with. My lack of friends means my son doesn’t have anyone.

Yes the neighbour has a little girl who’s younger. I get that it’s inconvenient for her to send her son out to play and leave her little girl with no playmate. But my son did play ok with both of them when he went to their house. He hasn’t been invited back though. I keep telling myself that there must be other reasons but it probably comes down to the fact that they’re at the age where mums socialise while the kids play, and she doesn’t want to socialise with me.

Football is a huge leveller in primary school for boys. If you're okay at it, you have someone to play with, pretty much.

One thought - try looking on facebook for groups for autistic adults and kids in your area. It might be easier for you and your kid to socialise with other autistic people. Damian Milton's Double Empathy theory sets out nicely how autistic communication styles are as valid as neurotypical ones, but not often understood by the NT majority.

And, once again, it really is worth trying beavers and other organised groups. It might not be exactly the form of friendship you dreamt of for your kid, but it is friendship.

Picture yourself and your kid this time next year. He has beaver friends, woodcraft folk friends, football friends, boys brigade friends or air cadet friends - whatever fits with his interests and your area. He has quirky autistic friends with whom he can be himself. His life is full, and busy and he's happy.

I'm not a mum but have the same issue, OP.

People just don't really seem to want to hang out with me. I think I'm a nice person, people say it all the time, including behind my back and to others, but for some reason, people don't want to be my friend.

I thought I'd made some new friends locally in the area, but it actually turns out they've been hanging out together without me. I met up with them the other day for the first time in ages and some of them let slip they've done loads of things this summer - concerts, meals, days out, and I wasn't invited. I was devastated. We have a group chat but they clearly have another one without me, and this is the story of my life.

I'm definitely not annoying or overbearing, I'm pretty quiet, I think polite and empathetic. I just don't understand why this has been my life. I have no lifelong or old friends like everyone else. I sometimes have close friendships, then they ghost or ditch me for someone else. It's so painful and makes me want to stop trying.

@Forgetmenott How are you doing? Have you signed him up for any groups yet? There will be loads of new opportunities in September.

Libraries often have activities on a Saturday.

@ilyana I find the only way to socialise is when I’m doing something - so yoga, art group, choir, walking - then conversation is more general and less intense.
In fact in intense meetupseg coffee mornings I run out of things to say.
Vould you do some volunteering in spare time - there you mix with a random group of ages and can find good company. If not a lifelong friendship!

@Caradonna yes, I do those things, and I talk to people when I do them. The issue is that I'm never included in a friend group. I get invited to the odd thing, but it's clear that the others are hanging out together all the time.

It's not that people are horrible, I go to a yoga class and people are perfectly pleasant and chat before/after, but we swap numbers and if I ask to meet, they're busy, while I know they're meeting up with others from the class.

It's been this way my entire life. My 'friends' at school did it. And it creates a vicious circle, where I'm anxious and shy because people always do this, and then I think people sense there's something off about me and don't want to be around me.

I have tried groups, both for me and DC. Kids groups are over subscribed and difficult to get into, and other parents mostly ignore me. Adults groups are as Ilyana said - people are perfectly nice and speak to me like an acquaintance, but we aren’t friends.

I know for a fact that they’re hanging out with other people from the group - I see Facebook photos where five of them have gone out for a meal for example - but I’m never invited. If I text asking to meet up they don’t reply, or they say yes I’ll get back to you, but they never do. Then I see them out with others. They could easily have texted me and said we’re all going out, do you want to join? No hassle for them whatsoever, they’re already going and it’s all arranged. But they never do.

And this isn’t just a few people. It’s everyone. Literally nobody wants to be my friend or even have me in their friend group. They spout all this “be kind” shit, and they post about autism awareness and inclusivity. But then they exclude me because I’m autistic.

I am on medication for ADHD and it seems to make me able to chat better. Very strange but a relief for me. I also have have struggled with friendship - but as I found chatting stressful (but assumed many people felt this way until I discovered it was my adhd/ possible borderline autism that was the problem - still not sure what that problem is and why people avoid me, but possibly my masking puts people off).
Have you been tested for ADHD?

Hi OP, I feel the same about my autistic DD. I honestly feel like I have failed her as a parent by not creating a better social network for her.

I think you need to tackle this desparation vibe in both you and your son. You need to make both your lives full of fun without any more friendsfor either of you at the moment. Pick up another weekly club one that he really enjoys. Start a new hobby yourself, shop around until you find one you like. (I know you don't want to go to one every day and that's fine but you could do a bit more.)

Fill your life with fun stuff just the two of you so that you are both happier. Once you are both happier you won't be giving off desperate vibes and it will take the pressure off social interactions.

OP I have found over many years that you need to choose friends that you like. You don’t try to make friends with anyone and then get upset when they aren’t compatible….NT’s are odd - we all know that🙃. I know you’re trying to make friends for the sake of your child but it won’t work unless there’s a connection.

The problem is of course that there aren’t that many ND people around. Maybe seek out groups that will attract them. If these aren’t suitable for your son, try to go anyway because connections are really important…you can find out so much useful information from people. Maybe try chess, birdwatching, gaming, gardening, art classes, meditation groups. Oh just a thought, have you got a local Quaker group? You don’t have to be religious to join….they accept atheists and people from any religion. They often have a children’s group and they take them on trips. They’re very kind and accepting.

Could you find any groups for SEN kids? I joined a few locally and it’s been two birds with one stone - lonely son made a bunch of pals of other ASD kids (they have great playdates of mostly doing lego side by side and telling each other facts about trains or whatnot) and I made friends with the other mums who are mostly autistic themselves 😁

The days are very full with school and homework, meals, bedtime routine etc … You only need a few hobbies to fill the rest of the time and then who has time to worry about socialising.

Your child is very young. As an adult he’s more likely to look back and remember the wildlife club he joined (or chess club, model railway club etc …) than he is to remember who he played with.

And over time, he will build connections with other kids who like the same hobbies that he likes. He will become an interesting person who knows about bugs or chess moves or whatever it is he likes.