Relationship fails..:. Over and over

[Grenola]

RELATIONSHIPS 🌟

Who else struggles…. I have never had a good relationship really (I’m 40 and have three kids and a failed marriage).
I realise that I never have consistent feelings towards the person I’m with.

I cycle between yeah they are so nice, I feel so happy to…. Shit this isn’t for me and I can’t do this and then I pick apart this person in my head. This then leads to me pushing them away and then me exploding and saying I’m not happy. Then just like that I feel ok again.……

I’m sick of it because in the midst of gives me such bad agony and anxiety.

I’m going to be alone forever arnt…. Maybe this is something I want?!!!

Also, if your honest with your other half that this is how you are and honest about what you realistically can ‘give’ them…. Does that absolve your responsibility for thier feelings? Because I always just feel guilt that I’m going to hurt them…… like what if I never want to progress the relationship to living With them. I guess I just want and am able to deal with a ‘boyfriend’ not a partner in crime.

Help… pls say u relate or have advise or that this is normal!!!!

Pic of something I made last for attention xxx

I've really struggled with relationships all my life.

I'd be better off single really. But I need someone to care for me.

It’s hard isn’t it, I go in circles with it. I’m fiercely independent and didn’t realise how much I struggle intimacy. Unless that person is cold towards me or hides thier feelings, then I can be soft and affectionate!

it’s really quite messed up.

If you feel happy replying, if not, please don't, but are your past relationships with neurotypical people?

They ‘have’…. Loosely but husband had some very rigid ways of living. And I totally lost my voice and me in it all.
this current relationship is the opposite, he adores me and embraces all of me…. And I don’t hide or mask anything.
but my interest in him is up and down…. Like I am with everything (adhd)

I am a little like this. So up and down. One minute I can be so obsessed with my partner. Then I can be so distant with him and put my walls up, he’s almost a stranger. I can be so loving with him then the next day try and find something wrong.

He’s NT and really struggles with it all. God, I am hard work!!

What do you think is making you doubt your feelings for your partner @Grenola? Do you think you don't deserve love and acceptance, do you think there is someone / something 'better' out there? Do you struggle once the initial 'buzz' has worn off and you are more comfortable with each other?

I defo have a bit of disengagement after the buzz goes a bit.

I struggle with the structure of a relationship… the intimacy of hanging out at home, stopping over ect. And I struggle with text communication: messages stress me out and I don’t cope when he offers me support or shows interest in my kids and how we are.

he is amazing but I just go into my own head too much

You sound just like me Gronola. I hate the pressure to message. I don’t really have much to say over message, don’t do small talk. We live together now so messaging has pretty much stopped. Before we lived together, I enjoyed the messages but it wasn’t constant.

I worry because I can’t imagine living with anyone else. Which is fine because I have three young kids. But I only want to see him in small doses and it’s strange cuz it’s like out of sight, out of mind.
he’s fine with it; but I then question my feelings for him because I’m not obsessed with him if you know what I mean?!!

I mean it really depends on what you want out of the relationship. Do you want to be with someone you’re obsessed with? Do you want to be in a loving relationship where you can’t get enough of each other? If you just want to see him every now and then and you enjoy his company then that’s fine too…

its ok to only want to see him in small doses but do you miss him when you don’t see him? What do you like about him? Would you miss him if he wasn’t in your life anymore?

I would def miss him if was to never see him again. I have been on holiday with him and lots of trips and we have the best time. I respect him as a person, we talk and talk so well. I have a voice in the relationship and can express my needs and boundaries. The only sticking point is that I don’t enjoy the ‘domestic’ elements and him trying to ‘help’ me all the time. He constantly offers practical help and his services around the house as a single mum. And I hate it so much. This week has been really hard, and his constant messages and questions hasn’t helped me at all, it has just annoyed and stressed me more. He made himself an extra person for me to consider and an extra task to do. It is these times I question the value in the relationship. I think I am just very inconsistent with what I want, I don’t like getting closer to him because then I feel trapped and push him away. And then just see him once or twice a week.
I’m not going to question it too much, and just do what I need while being honest with him so if he wants and needs more he can tell me.

I just think I’m older now and it’s been a long time since iver started a relationship (married 15 years ago).

poor bloke!!!

To be honest, sounds like everything is good between you but maybe you just want to keep things as is. You just need to be honest with him and what you want. If he wants more I.e. move in then just tell him and decide what he wants.

You just sound independent to me. Nothing wrong with that and not needing a man to look after you. If you hate it, just tell him?

Thank you, that does reassure me x

My rels have been with NTs. One was an alcoholic and one was verging on narc though. DP is NT but emotionally distant/ stunted.

I'm very black and white/ all or nothing with rels.

I also don't care about monogamy, I honestly don't see why it's a big thing for people!

I don't like sharing so that's hard.

I know what you mean’
i and ok with open relationship and don’t get jealous really!