Fed up of being me, I hate my personality

[Mummiepig]

A previous post really resonated with me, I'm so fed up of myself, I wish I could change my personality
I'm either really quiet, struggling to find something to say with awkward silences, or when I get confident around someone I talk a load of childish rubbish non stop,
I hate both versions of me, I have diagnosed ASD and psychiatrist said almost certain ADHD (but wasn't being paid to assess that at the time)
People just don't want me around, I'm torn because on the one hand I feel lonely and left out, but on the other I find people exhausting and want solitude
I used to mask ALOT but as I get older that skill seems to be slipping
I joined a ND meet up group, the first few times were OK as "quiet" me went, now I getting more relaxed "annoying" me came out last time, and I get the feeling that even a ND group will get fed up of me
I suppose I want a personality transplant but that's not possible what the hell do I do?
Anyone feel the same? Have any ideas?
Thanks x

I totally understand and feel like that occasionally myself but really, the only choice is acceptance. There really is no way to change your personality.

Keep going to the ND group and keep being yourself.

What makes you think that you are annoying?

Every few months I'll have the thought that my life would have so much easier and so much better if I were NT. I feel stunted and quite honestly, disabled by it at times.
Whole days/weeks/months have been lost to sensory overload or shut down.
I do have acceptance now though. Prior to diagnosis I was always thinking of how I could change myself from being a faulty human being, but now I know that it is impossible and make accommodations for myself.
Still utterly frustrating though.

I get over excited about things I like, I got really ott about this toy I wanted to buy, it was embarrassing really, I'm like a 8 year old in a 45 year old body 😪
People don't want to hear about my cuddly toys but I forget and my mouth runs away with me, I suppose I prefer quiet me over annoying me

I’m not convinced that makes you annoying. Lots of bog standard ordinary people re annoying because they are so dull. You don’t sound dull, you sound quirky.

Where did you get this idea that you are annoying? Is it something that has been said to you?

I don't know, I feel like I've annoyed people, I'm very child like, I know for a fact people don't want me around, it's a running theme in my life

Hey op you sound pretty cool! I would have you as a friend.

I'd rather talk about cuddlies and toys than mortgages and what Joe Bloggs down the street is doing.
What are people doing that makes you think you're annoying them?

They stop listening when I'm talking and I get alot of eye rolls 😭

Someone once described me as a more annoying stacey Solomon 🙄

I think instead of finding an ND group you need to find someone who is into the same things as you whether ND or not. An ND person loves to talk about their thing, other ND people love to talk about their thing - neither particularly wants to hear about someone else's thing IME! Do you go to things like toy fairs or toy collectors - maybe you'd find someone on your wave length at somewhere like that?

I'm on fan pages and collector pages online, but not in real life, my interests are pretty niche tbh, and I live somewhere very boring and Conservative as its pretty rural
Looking for someone like minded would be like a needle in a haystack, that's why I want to be someone else

Then they aren't your people. They're the boring ones. Not you - please do not change who you are to please these boring rude people.

Obviously depends on what specifically you like but have you ever tried a comic con? Now there's probably where you'd find all the cool people who share your interests. 

Any possibility you could take up a hobby that's more physical so that you are moving around a lot releasing some pent up enthusiasm and where people are equally committed. Ice skating is good. . I know 3 people with ASc You also have less time to hold the floor iyswim

Anyone who rolls their eyes when you talk is outrageously rude and has an actual personality problem. How dare they?

I have loud me and quiet me too, I just got quite a surprise at your description because it sounded a lot like me. It took me a long time to find good people who like me the way I am on any day. Don’t change yourself for assholes.

You sound like me OP. Quiet around people I don't know and then when I know people well, I get confidence and try to be funny. I am not funny and come across annoying. I moved to a tiny village and was trying to get on with people. Don't change OP. You sound like a fab friend.

I know this isn't particularly helpful in the short term but I promise there are lots of people out there who like you and don't find you annoying. Please don't waste your energy trying to impress the eye rollers! I see being childlike as such a positive trait - I work with children and feel like I have more in common with them than with my colleagues!! You can have the funniest chats with small children, then adult asks 'got any plans for the weekend?' and it's so dull it makes me want to die 😩

I think I'm just having a wobble today, unfortunately I dont think there's a meet up group for percy pig fans
I joined a dance class but I've already experienced eye rolls I only made a joke about the speed bump getting me on the way into the car park, so avoiding that lady now, also I suspect I also have some dispraxia as struggle so much with coordination and I don't know my left and right, I'm always covered in bruises from bashing into things, I'm easily the worst at the class I think the teacher feels sorry for me, but I'll persevere, what else can I do
I'm waiting for an official adhd diagnosis so maybe medication will help me control myself, I'm pinning my hopes on it tbh as although I like to be alone I'm also very lonely sometimes

And thank you to everyone who took the time to reply, it made today a little less lonely x

I can relate so well to what you wrote and made a similar post myself a few days ago. I try hard with people and am rejected time and time again and even when I'm perfectly nice people just don't seem to like my personality. I wish I could offer you more words of comfort or wisdom but just wanted you to know you're not alone and if you want an online friend feel free to message me :)

Are you on the Percy Pig fan group on Facebook? Over 800 members

@ofwarren yes I'm a regular poster!

I feel like this too! I feel like a child in an adult body that people find annoying, but also why are we forced not to like and get excited by things as we get older?

Yesterday I was squealing with joy because IKEA had this giant fat bear in stock that I wanted. I collect soft toys, Disney things, little toys and get super excited over them. If you want someone to share in your excitement of things, I definitely would!

I wonder if people would be up for meet ups on there? Least then you would know you had your special interest in common.
Have you ever asked if others on there are ND?

You don't sound like a bad person OP, is there a chance you could join a group where they get together to do things, and people can get to know you slowly and value you for your good character rather then your superficial personality?

@BrownHairedQuirk I'd be so excited too, absolutely love cuddly toys ❤