Why do I struggle

[Cluelessmouse]

I really do think I’m neurodiverse but I also don’t fit the categories for anything I’ve read about. I hope it’s ok to ask in case this sounds familiar to anyone. I hope this doesn’t sound offensive either, I’m obviously leaning on the stereotypes and main ‘symptoms’ from the nhs website. When I speak to people (gps/therapists / family) I may say something like I think I have adhd (or other) for x y z reason and they will say no, because if you have adhd you would be like x and you aren’t or you would struggle with y and you don’t.
but I just seem to struggle and find things harder or miss social cues or approach things differently to other people and I don’t know why. And there’s some things I struggle with that I don’t think anyone around me is doing.

some examples -

i really struggle with time, to an excessive amount, it’s like I have absolutely no concept of it. It’s often discussed amongst my friends and family and everyone presumes I’m selfish and just not considerate, or just one of those people that is late. but even important things like a huge work deadline I may think is a really long time away, then realise it’a very imminent and I get shocked. Or I really struggle to work out how long I have until an appointment and I really really try but it takes so much effort and I still make mistakes or misjudge and miscalculate timings.

I have got no sense of direction. At all. I regularly get lost walking the dog in my own neighbourhood and have to Google map my way home. I am really working on this and it’s getting better because I’m working so hard to try to notice ‘landmarks’ but I really panic if anyone gives me directions.

Im really really organised. But I have to-do lists everywhere and If I don’t have a list I won’t remember anything at all. And my to do lists also often contain things like ‘wash hair’ which I don’t think is ‘normal’.

i read a lot, and I can read fast. but after a few minutes, if I haven’t taken notes to jog my memory I would struggle to recall any details or even the main point of what I’ve read. It’s the same with movies, I don’t know what the plot was of most movies or shows I’ve watched. Also even though I read a lot I’m really not a great speller and my handwriting is virtually unreadable.

A Therapist suggested possible autism, but it looks like most people with autism are very observant. I could not tell you what colour my best friends hair is, unless I was looking at her. I really really struggle to remember peoples faces and have often been shocked to find out that one person I was speaking to at work, was actually two different people, for example two women that just both happened to have blonde hair. When I’m watching films sometimes I get confused because I can’t tell if a character is a new one or one we saw earlier.

I seem to be completely unable to ignore sounds and smells and have ‘dramatic’ reactions to them. - like I just cannot eat off a plate that smells, I’d rather not eat. But other people won’t really notice the smell. And I can’t ignore certain sounds.

im in my 30s and I don’t sort any bills or anything like that, I’ve tried to once or twice but it gives me anxiety and I just feel super tired even trying. it takes me hours to do a food shop, and I’m awful at cooking and other home things because I misjudge timings. DH sorts most things. Again maybe I’m just lazy.

Social situations are exhausting to me and I often do just need a day to do nothing at all, literally nothing. Which is also seen as me being really lazy.

ive always felt really left out, and like I didn’t fit in. When I talk I can tell people think I’m a bit ‘weird’ and I work hard to mask that. I don’t have many friends. I can often be either really distracted or hyper focused.
but on the other hand I love to study and read and learn new things. And I can happily sit in bed all day and watch tv and zone out.

if you’re still with me thank you for getting this far. No one around me seems to struggle with these things. I assumed I’d grow out of some of it, I’m genuinely not a selfish lazy person i don’t think, but I really do come across that way.

You sound a lot like me. I'm dyspraxic

Thank you. An old boss suggested this to me, but I don’t have any physical coordination issues so I had ruled it out?

You sound like me. I'm asking gor autism and adhd referral.

Many autistic people dont notice what people look like - i have prosopagnosia which means I'm faceblind.

Dyslexia / dyspraxia?

Do I have to decide what I think I may have and then speak to the GP for a specific referral? Or can I just say I think somethings not quite ‘right’

I’ve done an informal assessment for adhd and scored highly on being inattentive but low on all things hyperactive - though I’ve read that’s often the case for women

and I’ve done an informal autism assessment where I scored highly but not the highest bracket and was advised to leave it since ‘if you have it, you’re high functioning anyway so it doesn’t matter’

You can't rule anything out on not have one or two of the symptoms. It's called a spectrum for a reason; there are lots of different presentations. I'm not diagnosed but pretty sure I have autism. I relate to a lot of what you said, to the extent that the smelly plate thing and having no idea what's going on in films (despite being fairly intelligent) made me laugh!

Get a professional to assess you though. MN is second only to Google for offering up weird and wonderful diagnoses, and even if someone says they're qualified, you don't know they are.

Thanks! I’ve tried to make an apt with my gp. I’ve just been ignored a bit before by other people.
lots of people are bad with time or easily distracted or whatever. And I don’t fit all the criteria of one particular thing, so I was hoping to be a bit more armed with info or an idea of what it may be so that I’m a bit more confident to pursue it if they push back

Therapist suggested possible autism, but it looks like most people with autism are very observant. I could not tell you what colour my best friends hair is, unless I was looking at her. I really really struggle to remember peoples faces and have often been shocked to find out that one person I was speaking to at work, was actually two different people, for example two women that just both happened to have blonde hair. When I’m watching films sometimes I get confused because I can’t tell if a character is a new one or one we saw earlier.

Sounds like something I would do.

Ex is clearly autistic and can't remember which traffic lane to take when driving a familiar route.

You aren't functioning though are you? (What a twonk who said that)
(Me neither, we sort of bumble along and hope for the best)

Make a list. Or two. You can be both.

I would take the online tests along too.

Autism list: 3 parts. Sensory, (clearly with the plate. Think sensory avoiding and sensory seeking)
social and communication
Routine

I am autistic and have ADHD.

Have sat nav on everywhere, even on familiar routes. It’s a running joke regarding how often I get lost.

Face blindness is an ASD thing I think. Often when we are out, people I don’t recognise say hello to me. DH will ask me how I know the person sometimes or if I do know them (as I might look a bit blank). Recently I said to him “I don’t know but they seemed to know me quite well didn’t they?” as the person had used my name and seemed quite enthusiastic. I try to respond in kind but puzzle on it afterwards.

I met a very friendly man once who knew my name. He actually said to me “You don’t recognise me do you?” then “I’m your next door neighbour” 🤣😳 He was out of context though, I think I’d have recognised him if he’d been on his own driveway.

Once I said something a bit negative to a hairdresser about the way the previous hairdresser had done my hair. It turned out to be the same person, which was unfortunate really.

With the people I do know well though, I know instantly when something is different. It could turn out to be something like having eyebrows tinted or wearing a different lipstick colour that they haven’t worn before.

Cluelessmouse are you me?!!

you describe me.. to a T!

I suspect have dyscalclia hence the struggle with time, direction maps.. I just cannot read, cooking due to timings etc.

I just see myself as an antisocial socially awkward, introvert.

Chuck in perimeno and post covid brain fog… I’m fucked!

im an old lady now so no diagnosis will change anything for me, but it’s nice to know I’m not on my own.

Magnolia - I'm faceblind too and thats why i can't follow tv. So much else of what you say is true for me too! I don't see many people irl who are (my daughter is autistic but not faceblind)

However I didnt recognise my daughter with hair in a bun/glassess off for a gym thing... and not 100% sure Id recig ise friends and family from a photo if you took hair off. I did a test once of famous people without hair and scired si low.... but part of the problem is I never have a clue who famous people are anyway!

@Cluelessmouse I've been reflecting a lot lately and this sounds like me too, but I have no official diagnosis as such.

Can't tell the time (takes me a few mins), shocking with directions (don't know my way around my village properly and definitely not my hometown) and won't know a journey until I've done it multiple times over a period of about a year or two.

I can become overwhelmed in terms of senses, very irritable with noise and change. So many lists on my phone and tabs open. I sometimes find lists from years ago that were never completed. But everyone would say I'm super organised and on the ball and friendly.

I do a thing where I find myself smiling at someone as I pass them and then instantly drop the smile (if anyone saw this they'd think what the heck!) as it's boring/tiring!

I do a thing where I find myself smiling at someone as I pass them and then instantly drop the smile (if anyone saw this they'd think what the heck!) as it's boring/tiring!

er is that you saying most people don’t do that?….

Thanks all
it’s nice to know I’m not the only one at least!
I’m not totally face blind either, I know my DH for example
but yeah the neighbour not on the driveway thing made me laugh because I’ve done some similar things

and so so many lists on my phone, in notebooks, everywhere and yeah everyone thinks I’m super organised!

You've not been tested by helpful people.

Reading your OP, I'd say you sound ADD. And it is unfair on HFA people to dismiss their issues. Just because an autistic person is able to mask brilliantly and is of above average intelligence doesn't mean they have no issues.

As someone up thread said, ADHD, autism, dyspraxia etc etc are all a spectrum and you don’t need to meet ever single criteria to “qualify”.

I recognise a lot of what you say in my own personal situation. For me, I’m leaning towards ADHD, but I’ve decided that I won’t go for a diagnosis. I’m pretty sure I too would be seen to be too “high functioning” to be taking seriously.

At the end of the day, alll I really want to know is what can I do to work around the things I struggle with. What kind of strategies can I use? Based on the amount of support my autistic DH received since his diagnosis, I know I won’t be getting that kind of support from the NHS anytime soon. So I’m just reading books, websites etc to try and learn as much as I can.

i can really recommend The Smart but Scattered Guide to Success. It’s written by ADHD specialists, but it’s not linked to any particular type of neurodivergence. It’s about how you can use your stronger executive skills to compensate for those that you don’t excel at. Regardless of what your GP says, get yourself a copy 🙂

Adhd and autism go hand in hand and many ND people have both.

ND isn't really a tick box diagnosis and some signs can be very nuanced. If you're struggling though it's worth seeking an evaluation for both if you're able to.

You sound a lot like myself - I am autistic and have ADHD

Write down as much as you can before you see the gp.

We’re stuck in a paradigm where being ND is automatically perceived as “wrong” and people rush in, very kindly, to share examples of how they do that thing too so you can’t be ND.

so the more examples you give, the stronger case you build.

It can be really hard to get past that reaction because you have to reject them and other yourself and it’s distinctly anti-social. It’s very hard if you have a masking reflex.

You might find it easier to print out something like you’ve written in your op and let the gp read it.

Thanks all, I’m feeling a bit anxious about waiting years for a referral as well now that I’ve realised something isn’t quite ‘Right’ and I can’t really afford a private diagnosis

im seeing reports of 2-5 years!

the assessments I’ve looked at online seem to be a bit outdated too. On them I probably don’t have adhd - all the questions are about how often do you talk over people (hardly ever, but I want to, non stop)
how often do you get out of your chair at meetings (never, I struggle to stay awake and focused but im not going anywhere)
how often do you find yourself unable to stop talking / dominating a conversation in a social group (never because I just choose to not speak rather than say something weird) so I am worried I’ll wait a few years and then not be hyperactive enough and that’s it.

It’s not just about physical hyperactivity though. There’s also the distractibility subtype of adhd - or if you like, having a very busy hyperactive mind.

If you have comorbid conditions the interplay has to be considered too. Just because you don’t conform exactly to the standard is not a reason to be pushed aside

Time might be a good thing here if it allows more clinicians to catch up with research on the presentation of ND in women.

The whole oh you can't be ADHD because blah blah is so infuriating and that's also not how diagnosis works.

Nobody gets out of their chair in a business meeting. These criteria are adapted from the children's ones and even ADHD children grow out of being unable to sit in a chair. It would be nice to have more relevant adult criteria but any decent psychiatrist will understand this anyway.

What about a situation where there isn't a very clear expectation about remaining seated? Do you sit like a crash test dummy on the sofa to watch TV, or are you curled up in a little ball, leaning on this part of the sofa, then that, crossing your legs, uncrossing them? When you eat dinner, are you constantly fidgeting? If you go to the pub in a group, do you stay in one place all night or shift around to talk to different people?

Just to be clear I’m not implying that you have to be ‘hyperactive’ to have adhd
just that the screening tests are really a sort of yes no type answer where I’m really a ‘no, but’
the first stage to my knowledge is just a form, so if they don’t progress my assessment after that point, then I won’t get a chance to explain that.

It just seems like the questions don’t work if you’ve learned to mask. If the question was ‘do you struggle to remain still and focused’ I’d say yes all the time.

people do comment on how I sit weirdly at work, always moving around, or thinking about moving (but not fidgeting), slumped or sitting on my legs or whatever, never just nicely sat like the other adults. But I can stay in the seat no problem.