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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

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Why can't I just coast?

24 replies

PeacefulPrune · 17/03/2022 09:25

I feel like my default or natural base line is to be depressed. I feel like I have to put so much effort into not getting sucked into a depression. I can't just coast.

In order to not be depressed (never mind be happy or fulfilled) I have to actively keep in touch with friends, push myself to go to yoga, force myself to eat somewhat healthily make an effort to be nice to my husband. All these things take so much effort.

If I don't intentionally do these things even for a few days then I just get so down and then everythings even harder to do.

It makes it seem like these things can't be enough for me like there must be something deeper that's the issue.

I'm not nesseserily saying this is to do with Neurodivergence.

Anyone else feel like this? Any advice? Is this just normal adult life?

OP posts:
Hulahooploopytunes · 17/03/2022 09:42

I feel exactly the same, I know that swimming, daily gratitude and meditation make me a nicer person both to myself and others…yet I just can’t sustain it. It’s all such hard work! Sorry that’s probably not helpful!

PeacefulPrune · 17/03/2022 19:19

@Hulahooploopytunes it's nice to know it's not just me!

I've recently tried to get my son into the routine of saying three things he's thankful for before going to bed. I should probs do the same.

I feel like everything in my life I have to do very intentionally nothing good happens by chance. It's draining.

OP posts:
Fritilleries · 17/03/2022 20:56

[quote PeacefulPrune]@Hulahooploopytunes it's nice to know it's not just me!

I've recently tried to get my son into the routine of saying three things he's thankful for before going to bed. I should probs do the same.

I feel like everything in my life I have to do very intentionally nothing good happens by chance. It's draining.[/quote]
It's completely normal. Nothing does happen by chance, really. Life is what you make it.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 17/03/2022 21:15

[quote PeacefulPrune]@Hulahooploopytunes it's nice to know it's not just me!

I've recently tried to get my son into the routine of saying three things he's thankful for before going to bed. I should probs do the same.

I feel like everything in my life I have to do very intentionally nothing good happens by chance. It's draining.[/quote]
Do it with your son, I have no idea whether it will help you, but I don't see how it can hurt. But I am positive that if you start each evening by saying that he, your son, is the thing you are most thankful for, and then 2 other also genuine things, then I think that that could help your son a lot as he grows up.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice about your depression, I have been on antidepressants for the last 30 years, I can have good times and bad times, I think Covid has helped increase the bad times - very few of us in the West have ever experienced anything like this pandemic before - even more. So having left the Menopause quite far behind now, and still feeling like a pretty useless human being, I also am having to struggle to be nice to my loved ones, everything else I have already let slip.

I am sure that there will be some wonderful mumsnetters who come along with some great advice, so please do follow their advice, you do not want to end up with beautiful Grandchildren still feeling like you and I do now. I really hope that you will conquer this, and if it is of any help, I feel it "in my waters" that you will. For a start, you have realised that you have a problem and you are asking for help 💐

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 18/03/2022 19:27

My medication keeps me going, but I get sick of the effort of it all. I'm constantly sick and struggling with health related stuff. Nothing major, just uncomfortable and tricky to deal with.

I went to a client's house today to do cat care and the owner was just leaving to go on an evening out. She was dressed nicely and looked happy and relaxed and it hit me after she'd gone that I never feel like that. I never relax or have fun. I never just live in the moment and not worry. I don't even know what it feels like.

PeacefulPrune · 18/03/2022 20:15

Thanks so much @TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek that brought tear to my eye when I read it on the bus this morning.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation thanks for sharing. Have you ever had a time in your life where you had moments of relax?

OP posts:
TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 19/03/2022 02:57

Bless you @PeacefulPrune, you have so much self-awareness, and it is easy to tell from just a few short posts that you are a wonderful, thoughtful and caring Mum. Which to me translates to you having those same attributes running through every fibre of your being. I don't believe that to one person we can be one thing, but to another something totally different.

Although humans are very complex beings, I think in some ways we are also very simple beings. I would not like to question here the merits for or against being a "deep" thinker, or even the possibilities and reasons why some people may (or may appear to) be much deeper thinkers than others, because that can lead to a very big can of very wriggly worms.

However, the longer one spends in the company of others - and usually that is very much dependant on how old someone is for obvious reasons - the more likely we are to draw our own conclusions. Although I have some family experience of Neurodiversity, I am no-where near experienced enough, or educated enough, to draw any safe conclusions. All I can say with hopefully minimal chances of offending someone on Mumsnet, is that the more we try to delve into our own psyches, the more we question things, then to me it seems quite likely that we are going to come up with more questions, more concerns, more fears, more situational unhappiness even?

So, personally I suspect if I could stop questioning everything, stop trying to understand what makes me tick, what makes my loved ones tick, what makes people the likes of Boris Johnson, Putin and Trump tick, and what, if anything, can be done to stop both my own micro concerns, and the worlds macro ones, maybe I could be a happier person? Maybe I could be weaned off anti-depressants, and then maybe I could go along and experience life in a much happier fashion, maybe I could trust life not to keep throwing curve balls in my way? Maybe I could be happy, except for those times when circumstance really does throw cluster bombs, or spikey viruses at my feet - our feet.

Maybe you could be the same PeacefulPrune? The thought of a break, a rest, from the constant mental striving, sounds idyllic, wonderful, but would life eventually also lose some of it's lustre, would we really recognise the things that do make us very happy when they do happen, or would they, if we haven't put the ground work in first, by practically forcing ourselves to participate in life, not come along at all?

Can we have everything? My life experiences suggest to me that no we can't, and I suppose that if I was given the choice here and now (or probably more appropriately for me at my age, to go back 30 odd years) whether to live in happy, but probably boring ignorance, or to suffer the lows, the heartbreaks, the depression, but to also possibly have the chance to experience joy and ( even possibly absurd) happiness? I think that I have to acknowledge that I have to accept that I have the personality that seems to have to cross question all thoughts, all possibilities, all dangers a situation might throw up, and also recognise that if I want a certain result, if I desire a certain outcome, I will have to put in enough effort to give it a chance.

I think, indeed I hope, that I would choose the more difficult route, in the hope of satisfaction and happiness for both myself and those that depend on me - but sometimes when I am so tired, so dispirited, I fear that I would choose the route of least resistance. I would settle for a life of predictable boredom, but also of peace and rest. Even thinking about it my mind is shouting at me "NO", I must think of my Children, my Grandchildren, without the doubt, the risks, the exhaustion, they would probably have never been born, and that is not a route I would wish for either them or me.

Do you know what you would choose Peaceful, do you want to know, maybe is it even safe to know? One thing I can almost guarantee you Peaceful, is that the intensity of exhaustion, depression, fear, does lessen. I don't think that our human minds and bodies can survive on constant full alert, medication and or talking therapy can help, especially when it is really bad, and there should be no fear or shame in seeking that extra help when and if needed.

If you have got this far in my meanderings then you are more stoical than you probably realise, and I am pretty sure already, from your previous posts here, that you will choose the harder but IMO, far more rewarding route, just please don't try to do it all on your own. I wish that I could at least promise you that I will always be here if you want a chat, or to vent, but of course, I can't. My health isn't great, I am getting on in age, I don't even know if you would want me as a sounding board - especially after tonight's offering, but for as long as Mumsnet continues, there should be someone who will listen to you, and care about what you are going through. I care about you and your dear Child OP, probably more than I should as a stranger on the Internet, but you have somehow got under my protective armour, and you are of course welcome to talk to me while I am still here x

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 19/03/2022 03:34

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

My medication keeps me going, but I get sick of the effort of it all. I'm constantly sick and struggling with health related stuff. Nothing major, just uncomfortable and tricky to deal with.

I went to a client's house today to do cat care and the owner was just leaving to go on an evening out. She was dressed nicely and looked happy and relaxed and it hit me after she'd gone that I never feel like that. I never relax or have fun. I never just live in the moment and not worry. I don't even know what it feels like.

@BarrowinFurnessRailwayStation I am so sorry that you are struggling too Barrow. I don't know if anything I said to @PeacefulPrune resonates with you (if you even have the energy to read it - to be fair, I am not sure that I would want to tackle that mini book)? As you say that you are already taking some medication presumably you have had some intervention from a Dr, but please ask for more help.

You sound as if you may benefit from some group therapy, and maybe some confidence building? Have you ever had CBT? I haven't, but lots of people think it is very good, and I think that, at least with some people, it can help encourage them to look at, and think about things from different angles, and therefore help in their realisation that maybe some things can be better than they initially thought, especially if tackled in a different way. If I wasn't disabled and an OA(P - without the pension yet!), I would certainly give it a go.

As I said to Peaceful, this resource - Mumsnet - has some very lovely members, so please do post if you need any extra support away from RL, or even to just have a rant! Good luck Barrow x

Bonnie90x · 19/03/2022 07:21

OP - I feel the same, like I'm constantly spinning a plate that could fall at any time. It's exhausting, and I can only sustain things until the next crash....then I spin the plate again and so on. I don't have any helpful advice but you're not alone.
@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek Thank you for your post, so much wisdom and insight.

MelCat · 19/03/2022 07:31

OP I hear you and I feel the same. I once was given some really strong painkillers (opioids). Yes I remember the pain going, but I just felt calm. Not spaced out, but calm. I was In hospital and all these things were happening which would normally stress me out and I was just able to be with it.

Now I’m not advocating taking opioids and the horrific anxiety episode after im sure was triggered by it, but I just wish I could be calm.

I’ve always convinced myself that my neurodiversity has helped me get where I am (so my brain works at speed, I can see patterns and links), but It feels like it’s come with massive periods of burnout.

I do wonder if I could have just been a bit more level that would I have achieved more, or just been happier?

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 19/03/2022 11:20

Ffs 🙄

Group therapy and confidence building? I'm a 52 year old retired nurse not a unicorn flavoured university graduate.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 20/03/2022 04:30

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Clarice99 · 20/03/2022 09:04

Just out of curiosity (or noseiness) if you prefer, do you honestly believe that group therapies, and any or all sorts of confidence building suggestions/exercises/sessions, are completely useless, or do you just believe that I should have known that they wouldn't suit you? From what you said I am presuming that you meant the former, and that therefore the latter would not be applicable?

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

I realise that your questions are directed at another poster; however, on reading this thread and as an autistic woman, I want to respond as your suggestions, as while they may work for some people, they would not work for me (as a ND person - autism and ADHD).

Group therapy - hell on earth

CBT - proven not to be very effective for some people with autism

Confidence building, presumably another group activity - hell on earth and speaking from personal experience, this was a big waste of time and effort. The sessions just served to make me realise even more that I don't fit in/don't 'get it'

A lot of autistic people have been badly let down, multiple times, countless times, by medical professionals; therefore, it becomes harder and harder to trust people and their motives, i.e. pushing us into therapies that are not effective.

I'm not sure if you're aware that this board is a support board for ND people? MNHQ message - This board exists primarily for the use of Neurodiverse Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful

The ND posters who are on this board are often aware of what works/what doesn't and we don't tend to make suggestions for things that may cause discomfort to another ND person. We also tend to hold back on sarcasm too on the ND board.

Whilst I certainly wouldn't expect anyone on MN to know my life history, the ND board is here for ND people to support other ND people. The regulars on here, ND members, pick things up about each other and we always try to be respectful of differences.

HTH.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 20/03/2022 09:11

Disgusting that NTs are coming onto this board to scatter their patronising pearls of unwanted wisdom.

This board is for neurodiverse people.

Clarice99 · 20/03/2022 09:26

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Disgusting that NTs are coming onto this board to scatter their patronising pearls of unwanted wisdom.

This board is for neurodiverse people.

I noticed.

The message at the top of this board is constantly ignored. Very tiresome.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 20/03/2022 09:34

ND people understand one another in an unspoken way. We don't need to justify ourselves to each other because we 'get it'.

We won't be patronised or tone policed here either. I see NT bullshit, I'll call it out. They really need to sort themselves out when it comes to their approach to autistics. We're not intellectually impaired, stupid or ignorant. We understand completely about how the world isn't working for us and this is the one place we can talk about it without fear of judgement.

Clarice99 · 20/03/2022 09:39

The message at the top of this board needs to be made bigger/bolder:

This board exists primarily for the use of Neurodiverse Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

It's overlooked all of the time. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

White people don't post on the black MN board giving advice about race and white people's lived experiences, yet NT's seem to think this board, for ND people, is fair game.

Double standards.

Clarice99 · 20/03/2022 09:56

ND people understand one another in an unspoken way. We don't need to justify ourselves to each other because we 'get it'.

This is so true!

It was 100% clear to me when you posted this:-

not a unicorn flavoured university graduate.

😂 😂 😂

PhilipMumsnet · 20/03/2022 11:18

Hello everyone,
Thanks for all the responses to this so far.
However just a gentle reminder that this talk board is specifically for Neurodiverse Mumsnetters and we would ask everyone to please understand and respect that.
Best wishes,
MNHQ.

Clarice99 · 20/03/2022 15:29

Thank you @PhilipMumsnet

It's a pity that the message at the top of this board is ignored or not seen in the first place.

This section of the forum should be a safe space for ND members to post without judgement/sarcasm/need to 'fix us' from NT's, but unfortunately it isn't.

Susu49 · 20/03/2022 15:35

I thought this was just me Sad

Mrspepperpoi · 20/03/2022 16:11

I just want to add as someone who has had CBT numerous times over the years, from my experience it has been totally useless for my ADHD but that's just my take and others opinions may differ

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 21/03/2022 04:12

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BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 21/03/2022 10:35

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