The unwritten rules of etiquette

[ofwarren]

The post about manners around waiting to be told to eat at the dinner table made me think.

Do you, as an ND person struggle with these kind of rules?

I personally don't see the point in most of them. Does it really matter whether you use the correct piece of cutlery, whether your elbows ho on the table or what order you eat your meal?

Far too many made up rules for me to remember, which make eating stressful.

I generally eat with just a fork and a lot of the time I will cut up all the food before I start and as I sensory seek where food is concerned, I sometimes even mix the whole thing together as I like the sensation of all the different textures together.

I don't really like mixing up food. When I was a kid, I hated different foods touching, but I'm ok with it, kind of, now. I have to admit grazing boxes and tables freak me out though!

For me, I really worry about manners and being perceived as different, so I do try to fit in by having good table manners and being polite. I'd hate for everyone to notice how "weird" I was. Sometimes, I feel like an alien living among humans. I try to follow their manners and customs, but sometimes get it wrong. It makes me really anxious when I get it wrong though.

On my own, I don't care as much.

I saw that thread and thought similar. In Denmark you just wait for the host to say værsgo and then its every man for himself. Ds eats with his fingers mostly. Need to work on that.

I'm OK if there is a clearly defined and easy to follow rule. As with eating, I was taught that you wait till everyone is served unless invited to start - I find that easy to remember and do.

It's the things that are unwritten, where everyone else seems to know what to do or be able to read signals, that I struggle with.

I struggle to follow rules that I don't understand the point of. Who's benefit are they for? What will happen if you don't follow them?
Most of the etiquette ones I know of are daft.

Ds eats with his fingers mostly. Need to work on that.

Mine does too, but he also has problems with fine motor skills. Forks or spoons are just about OK but he can't cut and doesn't want to ask for help if he's out. Now hes older and going out without us he just orders things he can legitimately eat with his fingers! Eg a chicken wrap or pizza.

The 'point' of etiquette is to show that you know the 'rules', so you're a 'good' person.

I find it helps to separate etiquette and manners - manners are about making others comfortable (e.g. chewing with your mouth shut, because watching someone chew with their mouth open is disgusting). Etiquette is about showing you belong and sometimes that you're better than those who aren't following it (it really doesn't matter which item of cutlery you're using). Not the same thing at all.....

@furballfun

The 'point' of etiquette is to show that you know the 'rules', so you're a 'good' person.

I find it helps to separate etiquette and manners - manners are about making others comfortable (e.g. chewing with your mouth shut, because watching someone chew with their mouth open is disgusting). Etiquette is about showing you belong and sometimes that you're better than those who aren't following it (it really doesn't matter which item of cutlery you're using). Not the same thing at all.....

This makes sense. I wouldn't eat with my mouth open or with my hands like an animal, for the reasons you said, it's disgusting.
All this when to stand, when to sit, leaving your food till its nearly cold, using certain forks etc is just silly to me.

A lot of the etiquette rules around food are about being tidy and avoiding grossing people out. Use a knife and fork, chew with your mouth closed, don’t slurp, don’t spill your tea when stirring it, etc. Mixing food on the plate where people can see it is disgusting. Food mixing is supposed to happen in your mouth where nobody can see.

Made up rules that are somehow very important. Exh is very big on making sure knife and fork are in the correct hands, for reasons that make no sense to me. I also like to just use a fork and dont care dc do that too. Its not something i ever about otger people so why is it a big deal

Sorry for my garbled message, can't type on a mobile!

Sit when your not setting and watch someone eat.
If you like your food mixer at home fine, you can do that.
However when your in company, use a knife and fork, make it pleasant for the person oppersite you to be comfortable eatting a meal . Mixed food on a plate that isn't your own ,can look like vomit.

@Obira

A lot of the etiquette rules around food are about being tidy and avoiding grossing people out. Use a knife and fork, chew with your mouth closed, don’t slurp, don’t spill your tea when stirring it, etc. Mixing food on the plate where people can see it is disgusting. Food mixing is supposed to happen in your mouth where nobody can see.

It's really not disgusting. Is stew disgusting? Is soup disgusting?
If I was to chop up chicken, potatoes and veg and then stir it around a bit on the plate, that would look similar to lots of one pot meals.

@Bollindger

Sit when your not setting and watch someone eat. If you like your food mixer at home fine, you can do that. However when your in company, use a knife and fork, make it pleasant for the person oppersite you to be comfortable eatting a meal . Mixed food on a plate that isn't your own ,can look like vomit.

The only person sitting opposite me would be my husband or my kids and they really don't give a damn.

@SausagePourHomme

Made up rules that are somehow very important. Exh is very big on making sure knife and fork are in the correct hands, for reasons that make no sense to me. I also like to just use a fork and dont care dc do that too. Its not something i ever about otger people so why is it a big deal

Same. I only really use a knife if I'm eating something that really needs one, like a steak. It isn't a big deal. Not every country round the world uses a knife and fork.

I found the book 'Watching the English' by Kate Fox really good for an interesting discussion of some of the unspoken rules of UK culture.

We didn't have a dining table at home when I was a child, we ate our meals from trays on our laps (usually at different times in the evening) so I didn't really know there were so many rules about eating.
When my in-laws are here for a meal they sit staring at their food until my husband comes in and sits down even though he might be doing something else in the kitchen for 10 minutes. My husband always tells them to just start but they won't. They'd rather eat cold food that breach etiquette. It's weird.

@ofwarren-no although have DC who are but I apologise if this was not appropriate to post here- it was on trending.

I used to be obsessed as a child/teen by a little book I found called the Pocket Book of Etiquette and I learnt and tried to follow all the rules.

I always start eating straight away though!

@ofwarren-reported my own post to get it taken off of your thread

@Comefromaway

I used to be obsessed as a child/teen by a little book I found called the Pocket Book of Etiquette and I learnt and tried to follow all the rules.

I always start eating straight away though!

I've been reading about etiquette on an autism forum today and there are sooo many supposed rules. It's actually quite sad to read all the autistic people panicking about doing something "wrong" especially when most of these supposed rules are arbitrary.

Fuck etiquette. As long as good manners are displayed, I've no patience for made up rules that have no logic to them. I rarely use a knife, never sit at the table to eat. My eating is disordered enough without added stress.

The only person sitting opposite me would be my husband or my kids and they really don't give a damn.

Like others have said, I think etiquette is about making others feel comfortable. Of course in your own home you can eat how you like if the rest of your family is OK with that. You can shovel peas down with your spoon, mash up your food, use your fingers as utensils, eat with your mouth open. The problem is that if you do that on a regular basis, there's a good chance that you'll revert to that behaviour when you eat out. And your children are being modelled that behaviour which might be disadvantageous to them later in life. You've said that some rules, like eating with your mouth open, would be disgusting to break. But that's what etiquette rules are for, so that individuals don't get to decide which behaviours are disgusting and which are not, because then behaviour that you think is acceptable might gross out someone else.
There's a reason why you have different utensils for different foods but in my experience, as long as you're a tidy eater, most people aren't that bothered if you eat your fish with a steak knife, although if you attempted to eat steak with a fish knife, there might be raised eyebrows!
Also, it is etiquette to not start eating until everyone is ready, but to wait til your food goes cold, could leave your host/ess feeling uncomfortable and that would be bad etiquette too. It's a minefield! 😄

@Mabelface

Fuck etiquette. As long as good manners are displayed, I've no patience for made up rules that have no logic to them. I rarely use a knife, never sit at the table to eat. My eating is disordered enough without added stress.

This
Totally this