The unwritten rules of etiquette

[ofwarren]

The post about manners around waiting to be told to eat at the dinner table made me think.

Do you, as an ND person struggle with these kind of rules?

I personally don't see the point in most of them. Does it really matter whether you use the correct piece of cutlery, whether your elbows ho on the table or what order you eat your meal?

Far too many made up rules for me to remember, which make eating stressful.

I generally eat with just a fork and a lot of the time I will cut up all the food before I start and as I sensory seek where food is concerned, I sometimes even mix the whole thing together as I like the sensation of all the different textures together.

I once read a thread on here about people using their knife and fork in the wrong hands and as someone who holds their fork in their right hand, it got to me a bit. I'd never heard of this being wrong before. Were people judging me? Was I being rude? Did it stand out?

I think with the thing about waiting to eat, the problem is that every situation is different and you don't know which it is. In my family we don't tend to wait until everyone is served, but if I'm eating with new people I don't know what the convention is. I tend to err on the side of caution and wait, but then what if that is seen as rude?

In any case, I'm not sure mumsnet threads on etiquette (or most things) are actually representative of reality, so I try not to pay attention.

The 'hand' thing is so unfair - I'm fortunate to be right-handed but my husband is left-handed and he often comments that the world isn't designed for him in the physical sense. He is NT so I can only imagine how much worse an ND person might feel coping with left-handedness in a right-centric world.

OP you said yourself it’s disgusting to eat with your mouth open. Mixing food on the plate is the exact equivalent. Nobody wants to see mushed up food, it’s horrible.

@Obira

OP you said yourself it’s disgusting to eat with your mouth open. Mixing food on the plate is the exact equivalent. Nobody wants to see mushed up food, it’s horrible.

It's not mushed up, it's cut up

Some of the rules are sensible to either avoid grossing people out or prevent infection (eg not double dipping)

The other half are gate keeping. It comes back to the rich protecting their wealth - if you didn’t know the rules, pronounce your vowels exactly right, and wear the correct outfit for the circumstances you stood out as an imposter.

My great granny was in service until she married and she took all this very seriously and it was passed on to me as a child. I can distinguish between teaspoons, coffee spoons, egg spoons, jam spoons and grapefruit spoons. It’s not proved a useful skill

In practice I just do whatever the host does.

Actually in many countries they eat with their hands, such as rice. It is not "disgusting"

I don't think there's any etiquette for eating at home with your family. Etiquette is like at a dinner party.

Interesting thread. I've had countless conversations with the DC about good manners while eating and have found myself thinking that there are far more rules than necessary!

I have previously tried describing the process of mealtimes as a game - the aim is to transfer everything on your plate into your mouth (chosen to suit food sensibilities) without ever getting your fingers or face dirty. Extra points if the food is never visible to other diners once chewing has commenced

We have little truck with the correct fork etc. And what's wrong with cutting all your food up before attacking it? I call it practical

@MistySkiesAfterRain

Actually in many countries they eat with their hands, such as rice. It is not "disgusting"

I watched a cooking programme in based in Nigeria and it showed how they eat even curries and stews with their hands. Fascinating skull and you are right, it's not disgusting.

I sometimes even mix the whole thing together as I like the sensation of all the different textures together

As someone who has to painstakingly separate the peas from the sweetcorn whenever anyone is thoughtless enough to serve "mixed veg" (and it's a lost cause if there's broccoli in there, what with it leaving little broccoli droppings everywhere it goes): AAAAARGH.

Having said that, your plate, your food, it's up to you. But for my own food, I'm a vicious separatist.

@ClumpingBambooisaLie 😁
My mum is the same as you. She would throw away the whole meal if anything touched. I've always sensory seeked with smell and taste for some reason. I know aversion is more common for autistics though.

Let me assure you that the skill of eating rice and stew with your hands is very much that, a skill. And one which eludes me, much to the entertainment of those I attempted it with (I used to live in a country where it was customary to eat everything with your hands. As a clumsy westerner, I was usually offered a spoon). There are manners (and etiquette) associated with it too, just different ones to here....

I find eating out really frustrating as I only really like to eat with a spoon. I've also been made to feel like an absolute freak for not being able to cope with certain foods touching. I've learnt to only order non-risky dishes (or those that it's now reasonable to ask for things to be served separately, ie beans in a pot with cooked breakfast!) The mother of my ex-boyfriend used to sit and look really uncomfortable when we ate together, and I never knew why until one day she blurted out: "why do you always have to compartmentalise your food Pango?!?!!!" It was so embarrassing!

I can’t use a knife and fork properly at all. Never learned. No idea why. So I usually just use a fork in my right hand. I also always end up sitting on my legs or something so that looks weird. So probably etiquette is not my strong point.