Do you have friends?

Horse9 · 13/02/2022 08:35

Following

SmallGreenStripes · 13/02/2022 08:43

I have a best friend. We’ve been best friends for 35 years. She’s NT and I think if I asked her (which I might, soon) I think she would say I was NT too. She understands my quirks. I genuinely love her and I think she does me too. I have only recently realised that all the things I have always struggled with probably add up to autism.

Other friends - not really. Have had ‘convenience’ friends, if you know what I mean. Been friends with people while I have been at a job etc but it drifts as soon as I leave or they leave.

I try really hard but I find either I can’t cope with the drama or it is all one way and I am doing everything and getting nothing in return.

DH is fond of saying ‘hell is other people’ and I tend to agree. Apart from my bestie and my brothers and mum I often feel like I would be quite happy to never see anyone else ever again.

Horse9 · 13/02/2022 08:47

What does NT and ND mean

Original poster

ofwarren · 13/02/2022 08:49

@Horse9
Neurodiverse and neurotypical
We are posting on the board for women with autism and ADHD

OP posts:

Horse9 · 13/02/2022 08:50

Thank you !

Horse9 · 13/02/2022 08:50

Following for insight for my
Son and trying to grasp the terms . Thanks

Gj63 · 13/02/2022 08:52

Very few and they are either with their own quirks or see the good in me

It's really hard. I would love to have a few more friends.

Original poster

ofwarren · 13/02/2022 08:58

@Horse9

Following for insight for my Son and trying to grasp the terms . Thanks

No problem

OP posts:

Rewritethestars1 · 13/02/2022 09:09

I have 2 NT friends that I have had for about 15 years. We hardly see each other through because of kids and work. We do text daily and help each other out when needed. We used to see more of each other before kids. They both suffer with MH difficulties so I'm often the more 'normal' one.

I have continence friends like a pp. School mums and people I work with. Once I'm not longer in that stage or working there we don't remain friends. They are people I will go out with if invited and we chat on text occasionally but I wouldn't call them meaningful.

I am trying to maintain friends with 2 school mums because I do like them.

I actually arranged a night out for the first time in my life recently. My dh helped me with what to say and coached me beforehand which is quite embarrassing.

These are all NT. They do not know I'm ND. I'm the absolute queen of masking. They would be pretty shocked I think.

As it happens I do have an on off ND 'friend' from school. She is nice but very full on and expects alot from friends that I just can't give. She can actually be quite cheeky and I don't like it. I distended myself from her but now and again she will text to get back intouch but it soon fizzles out.

I'd love more ND friends so I could take my mask off occasionally.

Rewritethestars1 · 13/02/2022 09:13

Distanced myself from her

BitcherOfBlakiven · 13/02/2022 09:18

I have one excellent NT friend who totally Gets Me.

I have a few ND friends who also Get Me.

Unfortunately I don’t see any of them half as much as I’d like because we’re all busy with work and kids.

However - I was in my early 30s when I met this incredible bunch and prior to that I had zero friends, ever.

zen1 · 13/02/2022 09:20

I don’t have friends in the traditional sense that you imagine comes with a friendship or that I’ve observed in my contemporaries. I have people who I have something in common with who I occasionally meet for coffee, but it is not a deep friendship and is very surface level. I have a couple of former work colleagues who I met 25 years ago who are a bit similar to me and we have deeper levels of conversation but I don’t see them often. One of them I shared my ASD diagnosis with (she is the only one apart from DH who knows) and she has recently been diagnosed with ADHD herself.

MagratLancre · 13/02/2022 11:28

I have two school friends who I keep in touch with and two uni friends, one of whom I now think is ND. I have a friend from NCT classes who I see every month or two, we are the most unlikely friends as we're quite different, but it works genuinely. I have a book club I've been in for years and would call them friends at a push. DH is my best friend really and the only one I can be truly myself with. DS, also ND, is growing into a very funny young man who I'm also good friends with. That's enough for me tbh!

Original poster

ofwarren · 13/02/2022 11:58

@zen1

I don’t have friends in the traditional sense that you imagine comes with a friendship or that I’ve observed in my contemporaries. I have people who I have something in common with who I occasionally meet for coffee, but it is not a deep friendship and is very surface level. I have a couple of former work colleagues who I met 25 years ago who are a bit similar to me and we have deeper levels of conversation but I don’t see them often. One of them I shared my ASD diagnosis with (she is the only one apart from DH who knows) and she has recently been diagnosed with ADHD herself.

See, I think I'd like that kind of friendship. I can't deal with the constant communications from "proper" friends.

OP posts:

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 13/02/2022 12:32

I have a ND female friend and her dh is ND and me and dh are friends with him as well.

We also have a woodland neighbour whose land borders ours and we class him as a friend as well. He's not long been diagnosed as autistic. We help each other out and I look after his sheep when he's away.

PinaColadaNeeded · 13/02/2022 12:43

Actually I don't!

I have lots of acquaintances, people who pass through my life, that I'm friendly with.

I'm in touch with previous colleagues, the occasional messages from people who were good friends from school/early 20s, but our lives all moved on.

But if I fancied a night out, a spontaneous coffee or a trip to the cinema, there's no-one who springs to mind!

I do sabotage opportunities though. I'm a mature student and last week a lovely girl who I like suggested meeting up to study together at the library and grab a coffee.

When the day arrived it all felt too much, so I excused myself.

I have a close family, and lots of good emotional support, so I don't feel like I'm lacking in some way.

amusedbush · 13/02/2022 13:00

I have two friends, one of whom moved to another continent in 2019 so I only speak to her via text now

She has ADHD, and my other friend has borderline personality disorder. We have all been diagnosed long after we met and a lot of ND people reckon we can see it in other people on some level. We flock together whether we realise it or not.

I had NT friends growing up but I didn't understand the politics of friendship groups and I would hear through the grapevine that they had been bitching about me for being boring/annoying/talking too much about my interests.

I'm not sad about not having a lot of friends because, like many people with ADHD, I have zero sense of object permanence. If I can't see something, I forget it exists and that extends to people. I enjoy seeing friends and family in the moment but, as cold as it sounds, I have never missed anyone in my life.

Mabelface · 13/02/2022 13:05

I have lots of acquaintances and 2 good friends who are both ND. We completely understand each other and none of us worry about long gaps in communication. In fact, my absolute best friend out of the 2 has just been for the weekend and it consisted of good food, a bit of alcohol, films, fluffy blankets and chat. It was amazing.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 13/02/2022 13:05

Your explanation of NT people wanting to much from you really resonates with me. And it's why I can't have / don't want a romantic partner in my life.

I think if it is a ND person who understands you, then it's worth seeing if it will work.

I was just wandering around the house chatting to myself and saying how this board is the best ever. So I suppose that to me makes me feel like I've made ND friends.

EssexLioness · 13/02/2022 13:23

Not really. In the past I have had friends for a period of time, them somehow we drift from each other’s lives. Never any bad feeling but I don’t understand what happens tbh. I don’t bother trying to make friends anymore.
I have one friend I see a few times a year and little contact in between but i enjoy her company and we have a lot in common. Really close to my sister though and we have a strong friendship. We speak/ message several times a week which I love but would find suffocating from anyone else.
DH is autistic too and doesn’t have any friends but we are very close and enjoy spending most of our time together. So we are both very lucky that way.

mistymoon7 · 13/02/2022 13:32

@ofwarren

Do you have friends, are they ND or NT and do they understand and give you the space you need?

I literally have none whatsoever. The only person I speak to outside of my immediate family is my mum.

Any NT person I've tried to be friends with just wants too much from me. My days are so up and down. One day I could be social and another I'm literally hiding in bed with my head under the duvet.

I'm considering somehow trying to befriend a ND person from somewhere, no idea how or where. The theory being, that they may be more understanding.

You can try to befriend me if you like 😁 I really struggle in this area! I have three friends. Two are NT and I rarely see, tbh I sometimes wonder if they'd care that much if they never saw me again. One I see a bit more and I know she values my friendship. She's very quirky and seems to struggle with friendship herself. I'm certain she's ND in some way although I don't think she realises! I've often dreamed of having a close group of supportive friends but I feel this a pipe dream for me.

Original poster

ofwarren · 13/02/2022 13:49

@RainbowZebraWarrior

Your explanation of NT people wanting to much from you really resonates with me. And it's why I can't have / don't want a romantic partner in my life.

I think if it is a ND person who understands you, then it's worth seeing if it will work.

I was just wandering around the house chatting to myself and saying how this board is the best ever. So I suppose that to me makes me feel like I've made ND friends.

It IS the best ever! I'm so glad we pushed for it because it seems to be really needed.
I look forward to logging on each morning.

OP posts:

kobacat1981 · 13/02/2022 14:01

@ofwarren I relate. I would also say I don't have any friends. I had a so called best friend of many years, but after I went through a difficult time 2 years ago, she decided that she 'didn't need me' anymore (her very words). There seems to be a pattern of just being discarded with friends after a while. I have found a neurodiverse women's meet up group in my city, they are mostly doing stuff on zoom now, but hopefully the meetings in person will go ahead soon and I will get to know some new people. I think it's always other people who try to make me feel bad for being a bit of a loner and make out that there is something wrong with me, but I've always been the kind of person who is perfectly happy in my own company. It's like I feel safe alone after a lifetime of being hurt and rejected

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 13/02/2022 14:25

I have ADHD and I have acquaintances, but no friends that I could call up for a chat or to go out with.

So no I don't have any real friends.

I'm useless at keeping in contact, I'm good at making friends in jobs and things, but useless at keeping them.

I like spending time on my own, I always have company in my own head due to my internal monologue never shutting up so that's weird, and that.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 13/02/2022 18:47

@RainbowZebraWarrior I feel the same re romantic relationships. I have 3 children, a degree to do and a home to run - having someone else wanting or needing things from me is a fucking exhausting thought.