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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

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Original poster

Do you have friends?

46 replies

ofwarren · 13/02/2022 08:31

Do you have friends, are they ND or NT and do they understand and give you the space you need?

I literally have none whatsoever. The only person I speak to outside of my immediate family is my mum.

Any NT person I've tried to be friends with just wants too much from me. My days are so up and down. One day I could be social and another I'm literally hiding in bed with my head under the duvet.

I'm considering somehow trying to befriend a ND person from somewhere, no idea how or where. The theory being, that they may be more understanding.

OP posts:

Mummiepig · 13/02/2022 19:06

I've been referred for Asd assessment
I have no friends, I know alot of people but never get past the acquaintance/colleague stage, I never seem to get anyone's number and if I do try and contact people it's usually ignored or a text back "who is this? My phone lost all my numbers" yeah sure it did!
It used to bother me a lot but now I don't care so much, I like to do my own thing

RainbowZebraWarrior · 13/02/2022 19:18

[quote BitcherOfBlakiven]@RainbowZebraWarrior I feel the same re romantic relationships. I have 3 children, a degree to do and a home to run - having someone else wanting or needing things from me is a fucking exhausting thought.[/quote]
Exactly.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 13/02/2022 19:19

@Mummiepig

I've been referred for Asd assessment I have no friends, I know alot of people but never get past the acquaintance/colleague stage, I never seem to get anyone's number and if I do try and contact people it's usually ignored or a text back "who is this? My phone lost all my numbers" yeah sure it did! It used to bother me a lot but now I don't care so much, I like to do my own thing

And this is the crux of it. Not caring and actually preferring it.

Money4icecream · 14/02/2022 23:11

I don't have any friends any more and it's rubbish. I'd love to have someone to go for a walk with or grab a coffee once in a while.

Myadhdusername · 14/02/2022 23:13

Not a single one. It’s so normal for me but when you think about it and you consider the fact that most people have a circle of some sort … it’s fucking sad!!!

Myadhdusername · 14/02/2022 23:16

Did anyone else seek out connections in sexual/‘romantic’ ways, perhaps to fill a void? I did.

Original poster

ofwarren · 14/02/2022 23:33

@Myadhdusername

Did anyone else seek out connections in sexual/‘romantic’ ways, perhaps to fill a void? I did.

I did as a very young adult and was taken advantage of very badly.

OP posts:

LightfoldEngines · 15/02/2022 00:01

Sex - absolutely. I’d probably go as far as to say that at certain points of my life I’ve bordered on sex addiction. The sensory-ness of it just takes over and shuts my brain up like nothing else even comes to being able to do that.

BoardLikeAMirror · 15/02/2022 07:50

I have two ex-colleagues that I see perhaps two or three times a year to go to an event we all enjoy. I don't socialise with them apart from this hobby. I don't have anyone I'd just 'hang out' with or call for a chat.

I struggle with friendships as I don't seem to be able to get the 'tone' of them right - I'm either distant, or I over-share and put people off, usually a combination of both. It's just easier in the long term not to put myself through the process of having to analyse what I've said or what I should say, and what they've said and whether they mean what they actually mean.

I also don't 'get' the unwritten rules - like the threads you see on here where people say you should always arrive late and so on. I am hardwired not to do that - I'm incapable of arriving late - and if I'm waiting for someone who is late I panic and start thinking I'm in the wrong place or I've missed them or something. I suspect there are other unwritten rules that have completely passed me by, so like I say, just easier all round not to get involved.

Rewritethestars1 · 15/02/2022 11:08

@BoardLikeAMirror I cry often if I think I'm going to be late. I'm never late as I set off really early to avoid it but if something out of my control happens and I'm going to arrive on time or even less than 5 minutes before I will panic and sonetines cry. Probably not the most fun experience for a potential friend.

Rewritethestars1 · 15/02/2022 11:12

@BoardLikeAMirror sorry but do you know why people say to arrive late? Has it been explained on those threads? I don't understand why people would set a time and then expect people to be late, whats the point in setting a time then, can anyone explain that to me please? If you set a time surly that's when is convenient and best to meet or you would ask to meet later? So confusing.

BoardLikeAMirror · 15/02/2022 13:05

I'll try to find the thread @Rewritethestars1

Original poster

ofwarren · 15/02/2022 13:12

I don't understand the arriving late thing. What's the purpose of it?
I hate being late. I'd prefer to me massively early than late.

OP posts:

BoardLikeAMirror · 15/02/2022 13:15

This is the thread I was thinking of but it often comes up here. I don't get it at all, personally.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4286022-Youre-invited-to-a-friends-for-dinner-at-7pm-what-time-do-you-ring-their-doorbell

Original poster

ofwarren · 15/02/2022 13:18

[quote BoardLikeAMirror]This is the thread I was thinking of but it often comes up here. I don't get it at all, personally.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4286022-Youre-invited-to-a-friends-for-dinner-at-7pm-what-time-do-you-ring-their-doorbell[/quote]

But their question says you are invited for dinner AT SEVEN, so why would you arrive after 7??
NT people really baffle me

OP posts:

BoardLikeAMirror · 15/02/2022 13:38

Yes, I thought it was going to be some kind of trick question. It's years since I have had anyone other than my parents as visitors to my house, but I'd be ready at least 15 minutes before whatever time I'd said to come.

Rewritethestars1 · 15/02/2022 14:15

Thank you @BoardLikeAMirror for linking the post. Your both right its very confusing. Ah well il still arrive on time right on the minute, if people don't like it then so be it.
I also think its strange when going to an appointment, like the opticians and they say arrive a few minutes early. How many minutes? what's a few?, how much time do they actually need to sign me in? Aaarrgghh its all so complicated.

Gj63 · 15/02/2022 21:28

I'd love to know from nt people what they pick up about me they don't like, or prefer in nt people. I am saddened and surprised so many of us are in the same boat.

Original poster

ofwarren · 15/02/2022 21:57

@Gj63

I'd love to know from nt people what they pick up about me they don't like, or prefer in nt people. I am saddened and surprised so many of us are in the same boat.

From what I've read I don't think they would be able to tell you. Apparently it's really subtle but the NTs can just sense something is 'off' about us.

OP posts:

BoardLikeAMirror · 15/02/2022 22:15

I see there's now a thread in Relationships asking NTs their experience of friendships with ADHD people, inspired by this thread - link here if anyone wants to follow:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4482699-Have-you-ever-been-friends-with-someone-who-has-adhd-What-put-you-off-them

deeplyrooted · 15/02/2022 23:09

My bf in school was (with hindsight) nd, and we had a lovely little cocooned world of shared obsessions and quirky interests.

I miss that connection so much. We were perfectly accepting of each other and it’s the safest I ever felt.

As an adult I have acquaintances but I don’t seem to make the grade as a friend.

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