The realisation

[Namechangeagain84]

I've always known I'm different; struggled with friendships, got so nervous over things that others seem to do easily, taken comments way to personally, told myself over and over I'm not good enough for a certain job or person. I've discovered the silly noises I make are actually stimming. I'm happy in my own company and always thought that was due to being an only child. I could sit and research a topic all day long and rather do this than be with people. I'm very good at covering up the real me but now, I'm content in my marriage and job and the covering up has come away at home. My husband thinks I'm weird. I've always thought I'm weird. We're both happy this way.
I know I'm autistic. I hate this, in a way. I was happy just being thought of as slightly weird.
Autism explains everything, even down to the vivid memory I have 38 years ago of an awkward social interaction with someone on the playground. I cringe at these memories. I must have looked stupid and understand why I wasn't popular.
It's all good, but I just look back and really dislike who I was.
I dont want to be diagnosed, I don't want / need a label. Partly gutted and partly relieved as it all makes sense now.
Maybe I'll be less harsh on myself and give myself more self worth.
If you read this thank you. I shan't bother to tell anyone in real life.

There's nothing to lose by going on the waiting list for the diagnosis

Agree nothing to lose by going forward for assessment

And also, I don't think of it as a label. More like validation. There is a period, like anything 'medical' of struggle and reluctance. I've found a quiet acceptance of myself now. A weight shifted.

Welcome to our lovely board Namechange
Stick around, there is lots of support and understanding here

Hi, just wanted to give you an unmumsnetyy virtual hug. What you said resonated with me.

Thanks everyone for lovely replies. It is more of a gentler board then AIBU for example, which I do find difficult. Chat is ok.
I'm cool with who I am now, but I do wish I could erase the embarrassing memories of things I did in the past, which quite frankly, must have made me look a fool. That's the part I hate.
I'm quite happy today because I'm working at home.
My next 'mission' is to find a church where I'm not expected to commit to anything social. I'm happy to help out with things, but would rather do it from afar than be in it. Covid and lack of church life has made me realise that people are my problem.
I fantasise about nights out and being social, but in reality, I'm actually very content in myself.
Sorry for the completely jumbled message!
Thank you for welcoming me. I feel like an imposter but I know I fit in here because what people post resonates with me.

@Namechangeagain84

Thanks everyone for lovely replies. It is more of a gentler board then AIBU for example, which I do find difficult. Chat is ok. I'm cool with who I am now, but I do wish I could erase the embarrassing memories of things I did in the past, which quite frankly, must have made me look a fool. That's the part I hate. I'm quite happy today because I'm working at home. My next 'mission' is to find a church where I'm not expected to commit to anything social. I'm happy to help out with things, but would rather do it from afar than be in it. Covid and lack of church life has made me realise that people are my problem. I fantasise about nights out and being social, but in reality, I'm actually very content in myself. Sorry for the completely jumbled message! Thank you for welcoming me. I feel like an imposter but I know I fit in here because what people post resonates with me.

I find that I get sucked into being social whenever I branch out a bit. I tried in a church too and it becomes too much. I can't be relied on to be social or to "run" anything because I don't know how I'll be from one day to the next.
I have spent my whole life attempting to join in on things and then dropping it like a hot stone when it inevitably becomes too much.
People start messaging you, ringing you, attempting to talk to you and before you know it you have commitments that you can't fulfil.i end up having to let people down but I can't do it in the right way so I just stop going and end up blocking their number and hoping I don't bump into them at some point.

@ofwarren I could have written this. One Sunday at church, I don't know what happened, but I completely just went sort of blank. I had no words and felt that I needed to leave. Someone had left me to run something on my own and had taken the mick once too often. I never went back after that day. I tried another church and they found out my job and wanted me to run something for them too. I have left that one.
If I could find a church where I could just worship, pray and read the Bible without all the social nonsense, I'd be happy.
I hate commitments, because I can't cope with them. Yet I hold down a job that has a big responsibility. Some how I'm programmed in to do that, but it does have its challenges.
Thank you @ofwarren for understanding.

I had to stop going to church as it wasn't possible for me to be left alone. All I wanted to do was turn up, sit at the back then leave quietly. But the congregation were way too OTT. The peace be with you handshakes, and some even coming in for hugs. Urgh. Total nightmare. Even having the Vicar at the door when you leave (like that horrible thing at funerals when the vicar and family stand at the door and thank everyone for coming!) I've told my Mum and Dad when they pass away, I won't be shaking peoples hands and getting hugs from weeping well wishers. I'll be offski. There will be no wake either. People can choose to go off and do whatever they wish in order to remember a person. It doesn't have to be a piss up and food. All weird. So very, very weird.

@RainbowZebraWarrior absolutely! It turned out that actually, people didn't like me much at church. Maybe it was because I just wasn't their type of person, or maybe it was because I declined all social events (spa days, meals in the evening etc) I stopped getting invited to things and they would arrange hen dos and birthday meals without me. The irony of not really being accepted by Christians wasn't lost on me. I can't blame them, I did turn them down. It was an odd set-up (in my mind).
One of the lovely people that did attend, posted the other day on FB that we should consider online church even though churches are back in real life. She pointed out that church should be accessible to everyone. This of course was shot down by the, what about people who can't figure out the technology.

@Namechangeagain84

It's positive that you're going to be less harsh on yourself. I hope things work out well for you.

I have to say though that autism, and all other ND conditions, are not a label; it's a professional diagnosis. And for some of us, me included, the diagnosis has been invaluable on many levels.

Thank you @Clarice99. Its weird because I absolutely know it's a professional diagnosis. I just can't seem to accept it for myself. I feel silly. I know I'm not explaining it well and don't want to cause offence. I think that I'd be kicking up a fuss.

@Namechangeagain84

Thank you *@Clarice99*. Its weird because I absolutely know it's a professional diagnosis. I just can't seem to accept it for myself. I feel silly. I know I'm not explaining it well and don't want to cause offence. I think that I'd be kicking up a fuss.

It's not silly, no one's feeling are ever silly, please don't think that. However, until you get a professional diagnosis, you won't 'know' for sure.

For me, the not knowing for definite was a big issue as I don't believe in self identification of anything. I use the term 'self identification' instead of 'self diagnosis' as this is not possible as I'm not qualified to diagnose anything!

Welcome to the board. Keep on reading and chatting. Maybe eventually you'll feel like there are more steps you can take towards a diagnosis, but even if not, you know people here understand.

Thank you @Clarice99 and @ZZTopGuitarSolo
I have been made to feel welcome here.
This is the first step for me as I've looked at this board for a while and haven't felt brave enough to post.

I think I'm still going through the realisation! I remember being a shy odd child (now think it was pda and general.overwhelm) who had lots of imaginary friends and was quite clumsy. I used to create whole worlds and practice dialogues in my head with people. I still congratulate myself after every social interaction that goes well. I never know when to speak in groups of people. I once as a teenager spent a summer only eating herta hot dogs and Mars bars and I'm still fussy with food. I can't do visual planning in my head. I struggle to make friends but I'm very honest and kind when I do have them. I miss a lot of social cues (my friend mentioned something recently and I had no clue!) I have no interest in social standing and bragging about material possessions. I hate resort holidays. I love my own company. I am still clumsy! Going through the diagnostic process with my DS has highlighted how many traits I have (and in my parents too I see lots of things) but I do think that it is more subtle in girls as we are taught to mask so much more. I realised how sensory I was as a child in retrospect (imaginary worlds but also getting really obsessed with one particular thing at a time, e.g the film Greese, Mallory Towers, pandas). Everyone just thought I was a daydreamer who was a bit quirky. I still resist demands, even doing something I enjoy causes me anxiety before I do it, especially if it involves new people or places. I often pretend I'm in a play and then I can act it out. I'm not like this with DH or DS and a couple of close friends, but otherwise I am a version of myself, which can be tiring. So yes, I think I'm autistic, but I still don't know really, maybe I'm just quirky etc. I still like making up stories and daydreaming!

@Magratlancre I definitely think you are. You sound so similar to me and you also have an autistic child. I'd be very shocked if you are not.

Thanks @ofwarren, it is very reassuring to be validated. So often, I just get brushed off. Hoping to find my true voice a bit more in this community.

Thank you for sharing that @MagratLancre it's very interesting to read. I can relate to obsessions and being clumsy. Also, social situations. I was in a social situation yesterday and someone said how much I was missed. Of course, I realise they could have just been polite, but maybe people don't dislike me to the extent I play in my head.
I definitely get tired by things, probably mostly overthinking how I should be and act.
I've coped all through life and am scared to let go of coping. I think if I was diagnosed I'd fall apart and nor know what to do.

@Namechangeagain84

Thank you for sharing that *@MagratLancre* it's very interesting to read. I can relate to obsessions and being clumsy. Also, social situations. I was in a social situation yesterday and someone said how much I was missed. Of course, I realise they could have just been polite, but maybe people don't dislike me to the extent I play in my head. I definitely get tired by things, probably mostly overthinking how I should be and act. I've coped all through life and am scared to let go of coping. I think if I was diagnosed I'd fall apart and nor know what to do.

This bit:

I think if I was diagnosed I'd fall apart and nor know what to do.

Or, you might give yourself a break, accept and embrace who you are.

Sometimes clouds have silver linings

Thanks @Clarice99, you are encouraging and kind.

Almost everything in your post describes me @MagratLancre - I think the only thing I don't relate to is the difficulties with food - I was picky in childhood but somehow managed to overcome it. Everything else is 'yes' 'yes' 'yes' ...

I am hoping I can get a diagnosis and have taken the first steps now.

My life improved immensely once I knew why I felt the way I felt and acted the way I acted.
I used to put myself into situations I really couldn't cope with, I would go out to nightclubs with other women, I'd try and join groups and socialise in ways that just didn't suit me. I'd think to myself, I'll just keep trying and I'll get used to it eventually, but I never did. I'd be angry with myself for being lazy,stupid and pathetic.
I'm now able to relax into life more and work on myself and finding out the real me instead of pretending to like things because that's what NTs of my age do.
Honestly, it's so freeing.

@ofwarren I used to go on nights out and feel awful the next day, so low, because the only way I could cope was getting drunk. If I was sober, I'd hate it and know for sure I didnt fit in.
I'm happy to be able to say now, no I don't like this or that. I don't care if others find my interests weird and I definitely dont get upset that im not a, weekend away with the girls, type person . I'm happy in myself that way. I think its my past I struggle with. But it's gone now and I should just get over it maybe.
Thank-you to all the people that have responded on this thread and shared how the are / feel. I definitely feel less alone.

I used to do that @Namechangeagain84 - get so drunk on nights out in order to block out where I didn't want to be and to block out the people I really didn't want to be around.

Saying 'no thanks' is so liberating. Allowing oneself to just 'be' brings real comfort.

Re: getting over your past - now in some circumstances (and I speak from real, horrendous experience of significant childhood abuse) that can take hard work. However, the rewards are massive, for me anyway. I no longer have flashbacks or nightmares.

Have you ever explored options to address your past? Any types of therapy?

Oh, and thank you @Namechangeagain84 for saying I'm encouraging and kind.

I usually just get called nasty things like weirdo, alien, robot or 'fucking weirdo'