I've always known I'm different; struggled with friendships, got so nervous over things that others seem to do easily, taken comments way to personally, told myself over and over I'm not good enough for a certain job or person. I've discovered the silly noises I make are actually stimming. I'm happy in my own company and always thought that was due to being an only child. I could sit and research a topic all day long and rather do this than be with people. I'm very good at covering up the real me but now, I'm content in my marriage and job and the covering up has come away at home. My husband thinks I'm weird. I've always thought I'm weird. We're both happy this way.
I know I'm autistic. I hate this, in a way. I was happy just being thought of as slightly weird.
Autism explains everything, even down to the vivid memory I have 38 years ago of an awkward social interaction with someone on the playground. I cringe at these memories. I must have looked stupid and understand why I wasn't popular.
It's all good, but I just look back and really dislike who I was.
I dont want to be diagnosed, I don't want / need a label. Partly gutted and partly relieved as it all makes sense now.
Maybe I'll be less harsh on myself and give myself more self worth.
If you read this thank you. I shan't bother to tell anyone in real life.