The adverse impact of the “support threads”

[Scautish]

I drop into these threads from time to time, despite their ableist nature

The latest posts are particularly troubling. Someone has “read the threads and now suspects her husband has Asperger’s”

So despite warning MNHQ of the danger of these threads being seen as factual (when the vast majority have armchair diagnosed their partners) they are allowed to stand and here they are being used as a reference and a tool to support more armchair diagnoses.

I find this MNHQ-facilitated ableism so deflating. Im facing real life ableism daily at the moment and such threads only highlight how some non-autistic people view us. the existence of such threads is only going to extend this stigma. Im very down.

I agree.

It drives me up the wall.

I can't read them because they both make my blood boil and make me scared my husband secretly hates me.

Oh my husband/partner is an arsehole, clearly he's autistic because the tetrad of impairments is social interaction, communication, imagination/rigidity and being an absolute fucking twat. King of the Twats. Emperor of the Great Twat Empire.

Just like everyone's female in-laws are narcissists. 🙄

Step.
Away
From.
Dr.
Google.

I'm sorry you're facing discrimination right now. Would you like to talk about it?

Thank you. I’d really like to be able to talk about it but my thoughts are just one big jumble and there is no way (yet) I can express them. I’m just so done with trying. It’s the double standards- if I’ve said something and another person “feels” disregarded then I apologise and explain why I didn’t mean it in the way they think they did, but I’m sorry. If I try to explain that I’m feeling upset or treated badly, I’m told I’m wrong. There is no empathy. They simply cannot empathise.

I know I should just step away from the support threads. But I get so upset at injustice. And I’m so upset of the support of ableism.

Thank you for listening.

I understand completely!

I understand. I never go on the support threads, but MNHQ need to police them more effectively or take them down.

If someone is experiencing difficulty in their relationship why can't they start an individual thread about it?

The support threads are highly inappropriate and totally ableist.

The support threads are highly inappropriate and totally ableist

100% - but the MNHQ mantra is that the support of these partners in difficult marriages is more important that ensuring that autistic people are treated and represented fairly.

And of course the denial there is any ableism.

I have adhd and have a child dx with asd. These threads make me furious.

NTs prioritise social and interpersonal relationships over everything else.

It's a recipe for disaster.

It does seem to be a thing about NTs. Although I maintain when you've met an NT person you've met 1 NT person the way so many tie themselves in knots to make theselves appear a certain way, even to their detriment is something I cannot get my head around.

when you've met an NT person you've met 1 NT

This made me smile. Thank you.

Some NTs also seem obsessed with social status. And who they should hang out with and be seen to be hanging out with as this seems to elevate them in social circles.

I’ve noticed that people who are friendly to me one-to-one want to avoid to be seen talking to me too much in a group setting.

Logic seems to be such a challenge for many of them too. They treat it like it’s a bad thing.

Oh yes the being different people on their own or in company. Makes me realise now that some of the sexual harassment I had in school might have been their idea of courting me!
As an adult I haven't had that sort of wierdness but I wonder if the sorts at University who would give me a wide swerve would want to suck up to me now if they had any idea what I do for a living...

Ah well, they did give me a tremendous sence of JOMO...

Another thing that's wierd is no-one's wife/mother/friend ever has autism - like autistic women don't exist.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

Another thing that's wierd is no-one's wife/mother/friend ever has autism - like autistic women don't exist.

Yes but their MILS and FILs do (of course)

Have to disagree there
The fils do
The mils are 'narcs' 😁

Yep. We’ve been telling MNHQ for MONTHS. Most of these people aren’t even fucking diagnosed.

The type of people who are involved in those threads prefer to pathologise their partner's behaviour because they believe it makes them appear intelligent and increases their victim points. Same with the people who label people narcissists. Everything has to be pathologised now.

I wonder when their rantings about autistic people actually cross the line into hate speech towards disabled people. Can you imagine if they ranted on about black or Asian people in the same way? It's unacceptable on a public forum.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

Another thing that's wierd is no-one's wife/mother/friend ever has autism - like autistic women don't exist.

Yep I'm just a figment of your imagination....

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

NTs prioritise social and interpersonal relationships over everything else.

It's a recipe for disaster.

Firstly, if it's not OK to make generalisations about autistic people on those threads, then I'm sure you would agree that it's not OK to make generalisations about neurotypical people on here.

I also don't understand what you mean by this, would you mind explaining a bit?

Firstly, if it's not OK to make generalisations about autistic people on those threads, then I'm sure you would agree that it's not OK to make generalisations about neurotypical people on here.

As long as the support threads remain a thing, I'll generalise as much as I want thanks. I'm not going to be held to a higher moral standard.

I also don't understand what you mean by this, would you mind explaining a bit?

No, I won't explain it because it's self explanatory. If you're ND then you'd understand. If you're not, then I'm not here to explain myself or educate you.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation I understand. I understand you completely. And yes to the fact that we should not be held to a higher moral standard. This is exactly why it's so fucked up. In real life, on here, everywhere! It's double standards on steroids.

And those support threads should be long gone. As we've said so many times. And as you previously mentioned, it would not be ok if these "support threads" were about Black or Asian partners

I completely agree.

I will also be very honest and say that I have limited tolerance for self-diagnosis in general: yes, I know the route to diagnosis is not particularly easy, but I feel that deciding you are ND based on the fact that you like dinosaurs or struggle to speak up in meetings is an unhealthy path to follow.

Neurodivergence has been historically underdiagnosed, yes, but even the most liberal estimates suggest somewhere between 1 in 8-10 are affected, so slightly below around 10% of people on a population scale.

If Mumsnet were to be believed, NTs are in the minority...

I believe I’m ND but I don’t have capacity to go through the process right now.

I have been through it with my child and I believe I am on the spectrum due to that.

I don’t feel welcome here either and I’m certainly not welcome on the rest of mumsnet and it makes me sad. Where do I fit? I don’t know.

@inspectorslack I certainly wouldn't shun you from this board.
There are a few people who have posted already who are questioning or think they do have ASD.

It just feels like some here do. And that makes me reluctant to post.

And yet if I post out in the rest of mumsnet I get picked on and then I feel I have to say I’m autistic because when I’ve said I suspect it I’ve also been picked on for not having a diagnosis.

I have mixed feelings.

I think support for unaffected partners is important.

In principle I don't think it is ableist to seek support, or the company of other NT people with the shared experience of being in a relationship with a ND partner.

But they are really difficult to read for the un-intended audience, and support that isn't professionally facilitated tends toward very variable quality discussion and advice. It can also rapidly become less about support and more about group think and an "us and them" mentality.

These are problems of peer support groups in general. Creating ingrained misery, perhaps fanning the flames, and certainly maintaining it. There is evidence that people with health conditions who go to peer support groups do worse than those who don't.

But people like this kind of peer support, so it persists.

I try to think that all you are ever reading is a snapshot in time. Someone in the midst of anger, railing against a challenging situation or relationship problem. And that's ok. If you followed someone's whole story arc, they'd move on to other phases. It's just that people don't post when they are in a position of acceptance and working together more healthily. Names come up a lot, then they go...and new names appear.