Experiences with work

[ENoeuf]

So I’m nearly 50 and I have very few (count on two fingers) work friends accumulated over my years. I have never fitted into the tea break/ water cooler/ Christmas do part of work, been accused of bullying by people I was scared of, been shunned by people etc. I hate working, it’s always me at fault even when I feel other people are wrong or performing badly - I think social stuff impacts everyone and if you fit in you get an easier ride.
I really want to leave work and give up trying anymore but then we wouldn’t have enough to money for bills and I would have little to no social interaction.

I hear you OP.

I am naturally quiet and want to fade into the background and that doesn’t make life easy at work. Working with confident and bubbly people I find they just don’t get quiet people and you’re automatically rude or a weirdo. I am polite and friendly but definitely struggle with the social aspect of work.

If I could afford it I would definitely give up work. I am not cut out for any job with any level of responsibility really and that’s most isn’t it?

I know exactly what you mean. I'm struggling with my new job, not the work, but fitting in. I left my previous job because of bullying, again not fitting in. It's been the story of my life. I only have one friend, am divorced and live alone so no way I can stop working. I would love to only work a couple of days a week and be left alone to study the rest of the time. I find trying to navigate the social side of working exhausting.

I just find it starts ok, manage to make a bit of small talk but I just run out. I can’t do the easy stuff, I hate the social side because it always goes wrong. After a while people pick up I’m weird and odd and I start being excluded or treated with frustration and it all gets worse. I really find it so hard. I’d love to just leave.

It’s almost easier when you’re brand new because people make the effort to make that initial small talk but then of course after a few weeks/months you’ve not managed to cross the bridge from newbie to work friend and it’s just so glaringly in your face.

^^ that is so true. I hate that fading feeling where you are just useful. It’s been like that my whole life I cringe so much thinking at all the favours I’ve done for school mums thinking we were friends.

Exactly, you think you"re doing okay then the conversation dries up and you start seeing the eye rolling and smirking when you don't get a joke. I know I'm withdrawing and going silent which won't help but I don't know what to do.
I took that AQ test online and scored 44/50. Don't know what to do with that either! It could explain my whole life-clever underachiever, failed marriage, bullied, mental illness etc. I'm unhappy and confused at the moment.

KateF

Exactly, you think you"re doing okay then the conversation dries up and you start seeing the eye rolling and smirking when you don't get a joke. I know I'm withdrawing and going silent which won't help but I don't know what to do.

Such a relief to read this - I do exactly the same, stope trying etc.

People keep saying how great it is to be back in the office and it’s much easier etc and I’m like is it?

I'm NT but my ds is ND. I feel so sad reading these, and would hate to feel that anyone I worked with who was ND dreaded the office because they felt they couldn't fit in 😭 Have any of you disclosed your diagnosis and asked for reasonable adjustments? If so does this make things any easier for you? I'm going to have to navigate this with ds and want to know how to make it easier for him.

Mine know but you can’t make people like you. They can’t sack me for being autistic but equally they can’t make people want to spend time with me , be my friend, add me to Facebook etc.

Yeah I feel the same. I have a professional qualification. I’ve never truly fitted in on any team. I see them socialising outside of work, they have their social groups and in jokes. Collections for certain people when they’re ill, when I broke my leg I only heard from one person while I was off. It’s something that I accept with a heavy heart. I don’t like it but I can’t change it. Leaving wouldn’t make any difference, it’ll always be this way, wherever I work. I have to work. So I just suck it up. I do t do things like Christmas dos or leaving dos because I don’t feel comfortable.

I’ve decided to stop trying. I’m always really reliable and helpful answer messages out of hours etc. Had a light bulb last week and im not doing it anymore. I don’t earn enough I don’t get any promotion. What’s the point.

My manager and mentor know I have anxiety and depression (controlled with medication) but I have only recently started to explore the idea that I could be autistic. My 20 year old dd2 has an Asperger's diagnosis and as she's got older I see more and more of myself in her.
Even if I told them I possibly have autism they can't stop people thinking I'm odd, not one of them etc. As long as it's not overt bullying what can they do? Bullying by exclusion can be very subtle.
I work in a nursery and I just put all my focus on the babies and don't try to join in conversations any more.

I think this. I’m not getting anywhere career wise, I just get stuck at a certain level despite loads of experience and qualifications. I need to leave. Maybe we could inspire each other to try something different or just cheer ourselves up as Monday looms

Absolutely, we can cheer each other on. I'm on earlies (7.30-4.30) this week so should get home while it's still light. I hate walking my dog in the dark.

That’s something positive for after work? I’ve decided to tell them I’m not happy and I’m done with the extra stuff I do.

I've found that menopause has exacerbated my autism and adhd. I could cope with things prior to this then completely hit a wall a couple of years ago and stopped being able to talk to people and function properly. I can only work by myself now and I'll never be able to reconnect with others because I just can't deal with them now.

The main problems at work were:

Small talk
Air fresheners and reed diffusers - agonising sinusitis and my eyes reacted.
Dealing with stupid people.
Bureaucracy
Ethical objections and moral injury.
Paperwork
Lazy and stupid colleagues.
Job was depressing
Managers were inadequate.
Time wasted doing pointless 'training' aka management arse covering exercises.

I'm glad I left.

That is so interesting. I feel a lot more autistic now (am peri) and I don’t know if it’s age and disappointment coinciding with this - life is running out and it’s been pretty shit. I agree with pretty much all your list really.

I think the ability to mask dramatically declines due to oestrogen declining. Loads of autistic women complain that they just can't do it anymore once they get to late 40s early 50s. I think menopausal autistics really struggle and there's not enough research being done to highlight the issue.

Oh interesting I’ve started HRT so I wonder if my resources will replenish I feel part for me is just being old and reflecting back and being done with it.

I’m menopausal. I wfh in a compliance role and can go days without having to socialise with work colleagues.

I have one friend who I zoom coffee with but he is also on the spectrum and he gets me.

Oh interesting I’ve started HRT so I wonder if my resources will replenish I feel part for me is just being old and reflecting back and being done with it.

Yeah, there's only so many times you can cope with Mike from accounts and his dull stories about what he did at the weekend 😖 before wondering if you could guillotine his toes 😆

I’m just sick of it always being me, was told today /
Someone hadn’t done something they had and just get gaslighted all the time.

Op, what job do you do?

You might find a change of work environment helpful. I found engineering and IT a much better fit. There's more men, they're generally more socially challenged and less into small talk.

I now work with women in a team environment. I like my job but I can't say I am happier overall.

I think it’s the set up in particular but it’s been all work places that have been challenging. I wish I’d picked a different type of job like finance