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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

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Original poster

Coping with having no friends

28 replies

rosequartz8 · 22/01/2022 20:10

This has been an on and off issue for me my whole life (38 now). Back in primary school I did have some friends; but they always abruptly ended the friendships without any explanation which obviously left me devastated.

This has gone on my whole life and it's at a point where it is severely disrupting my life and I spend a good deal of every day crying about it. I have tried the usual things such as meet up, various hobby groups etc and I come across as kind, friendly etc but some people look at me like I have 2 heads when I even try to engage with them and it makes me further want to isolate.

I now have the chance of doing some volunteer work and even the thought of making the phone call to enquire about it terrifies me. I really want to break out of this cycle of loneliness but have had so much bullying and abuse over the years that it's really really difficult.

How have others here coped with something like this?

OP posts:

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 22/01/2022 20:15

I now don't have any rl friends. My best friend died 3 years ago, the Tolkien Society, of which I'm a member, doesn't meet up anymore because of Covid, they're all elderly. All my friends are online, met through roleplaying and also through a condition I have, on Twitter.

FabriqueBelgique · 22/01/2022 20:33

First, what do you want from a friendship? What do you imagine yourself doing with them and talking to them about?

I’ve gone through periods of longing to belong to groups of friends, dreaming up plans of joining things and getting to know people.

And then I’ve had periods of knowing that I’m rubbish in groups and just sit on the edge trying hard to think of things to say or I do get comfortable with them and have great times but spend all the time away from them convinced they’re all slagging me off (because that’s what I witnessed when others weren’t there!)

I’m much better at one-to-one friendships. I put effort into maintaining these without going over-the-top because I’m really grateful to have them.

They haven’t always worked though. I’ve had a few mum-at-the-gates friendships fizzle out quickly where I assume maybe I was too quirky for them after a while. They were more mainstream popular types who pursued me first but found better fits.

Original poster

rosequartz8 · 22/01/2022 21:02

@TheLovelinessOfDemons I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost one of my very best friends a few years ago

@FabriqueBelgique I think I also do better in one to one friendships. I think more than anything I would just like a friend who cared. I lost the best friend I ever had a few years ago and that was really the only friendship in my life that I can say was balanced. Before things with my social anxiety got bad, I could speak to people pretty easily, but only ever tended to attract friendships which were one sided and where I did all the work
For example one of the last friendships I had ended a while back where the person announced that she "didn't need me anymore" because I was going through a difficult time.. hopefully in time I will meet bette friends

OP posts:

Alayalaya · 22/01/2022 22:15

I keep myself busy. Weekdays I do the school run then work, cook dinner, wash up, quick tidy, put child to bed which takes best part of two hours, by which time I’m tired and the most I can manage is a tv episode before bed, sometimes not even that. Weekends I spend time with parents and husband and child, play with toys or go to the park. Music lesson and practice, maybe read or play a computer game. Do the laundry, clean the bathroom, weed the garden, wash the car. I wouldn’t have time to see a friend even if I had one. I don’t know where anyone finds the time?

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 23/01/2022 09:19

I have made one friend after years of not having any. I constantly worry that I'm doing it wrong, but I don't think she's NT herself as her dh isn't and we do seem to be okay so far.

I just looked to the cats for friendship and I made up stories about them like we'd be going out for coffee and plan where we'd go etc. Obviously it's not the same as a proper friendship though.

ofwarren · 23/01/2022 11:24

I don't have any friends either. I talk to people online and that seems enough.
I do sometimes wonder if I would find a ND person easier to get along with? It's difficult with NT people because we don't want the same things from friendships.
I tried with a neighbour who has a child the same age as mine and it was hell. She started knocking on my door out of the blue and messaging me lots. I had to start ignoring her and now we don't talk at all 😔

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 23/01/2022 11:40

I tried with a neighbour who has a child the same age as mine and it was hell. She started knocking on my door out of the blue and messaging me lots. I had to start ignoring her and now we don't talk at all

Urgh, I hate clingy people. I knew two people like that. I'd hide from them when they called 😄

ofwarren · 23/01/2022 11:47

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Urgh, I hate clingy people. I knew two people like that. I'd hide from them when they called 😄

I've no idea how NT people do it. My cousin is very outgoing and has so many friends. She shares pictures of her out with like ten other women all the time. How do they manage all those people?? So stressful

EatSleepRantRepeat · 23/01/2022 19:37

I was thinking about this today. I was at a museum on my own (as usual) and everyone there seemed to be either in families or large groups of 6+ friends, and I felt quite jealous. I've never gotten on well in groups, have no kids, and now we're constantly WFH together DH and I try to remain quite independent at the weekends so we don't get on each other's nerves. I have three different friends I see every few weeks, but none of those would describe me as a best friend, IYSWIM. It's hard feeling on the periphery.

knackeredcat · 24/01/2022 10:53

I'm too jaded and exhausted for friendships these days. In my experience people were only friendly with me on the surface when it suited them. Any hints of something not being right and contact ebbed away (I had next to no support when Mum died), plus those few who saw me in unfiltered meltdown mode I'm afraid to say I ghosted out of shame and embarrassment.

I'm too guarded these days and I can't cope with off the cuff contact, plus navigating day to day communication, nuances, etc. exhausts me so I have no energy for anyone else. Besides, reading some of the threads about so-called friendships makes me realise I'm not missing out. Anyway, my people are here on this board

LemonLimelight · 24/01/2022 16:02

I'm the same age and in the same situation. I have an imaginary friend instead. Works for me as a coping method. I don't feel alone when I remember they are with me. I tell myself it helps me practice my social skills for when I do make a friend but I'm not sure if that's true.

SoFriendless · 24/01/2022 23:27

I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say I am in the same boat and I sympathise - I set my username to this a week or so ago with the intent of posting something similar and didn’t end up to it.

It’s so hard. I am 32, married with no kids and have no friends. I find it genuinely crippling and no idea how to make it better!

Babdoc · 24/01/2022 23:45

I find it easier to have acquaintances with whom I share a particular hobby or interest, rather than friends as such. That way, we can talk about the hobby and do it together, so there’s no awkward social thing of trying to think of stuff to chat about.
I do have a few friends, but see them sparingly, for a meal or a walk, so there is always plenty of news to catch up on.

Money4icecream · 27/01/2022 19:29

I am 40 and haven't had any friends for six years. I'm so lonely and don't think I'll ever have any friends again.

autienotnaughty · 28/01/2022 23:37

I struggle with friends. I have two good friends but our friendship has altered over the years and we are no longer very close. I have a couple of mum friends but I do find them quite draining. Sometimes I get upset and feel like a bit of a loser who has no friends (a throwback to being bullied at school) but then when I arrange and plan things I never really want to go. And then I feel like I've wasted money on going out.

autienotnaughty · 29/01/2022 07:30

@LemonLimelight

That is such a great idea. I've found joining mn has helped. I get to chat and share opinions without the face to face social rules I struggle with.

autienotnaughty · 29/01/2022 07:33

@Money4icecream do you want friends? I do but struggle with the effort of making friends. I'd like to think there's people like me out there I just think they are a bit more hidden and I have to be patient and look for them.

Ricekrispiebun · 29/01/2022 13:25

@autienotnaughty that's exactly how I feel too. I do want friends but as long as they are kind people,.sadly I have met enough abusive people to last me a lifetime. I know there are more kind people out there hidden somewhere and it's just a matter of finding them

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 29/01/2022 14:15

Those of you who ignore people’s messages or don’t want to interact, please can I ask you a couple of questions? I’m ND. But not like that.

If someone ignored your messages wouldn’t you be hurt? Or if they didn’t want to see you? Or would it not bother you?

What is it that you want from friendships if you don’t want interaction and company?

Genuinely trying to understand some other nd people here.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 29/01/2022 14:17

Urgh, I hate clingy people

I’m not clingy! I just like to see and interact with my friends. I don’t get ignoring people.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 29/01/2022 15:48

Those of you who ignore people’s messages or don’t want to interact, please can I ask you a couple of questions? I’m ND. But not like that.

The only people I've ever ignored have been the annoying needy velcro people. They bring it on themselves. I'd never ignore a real friend.

autienotnaughty · 29/01/2022 21:59

@Ricekrispiebun definitely I think it's ok to be selective. There's no point in having shit friends. Better to be alone.

FFSFFSFFS · 29/01/2022 22:03

Get a dog. Dog is your friend and dog people are always nice to talk to!

One of my absolute best friends I met just seeing her around and we have the same breed of dog!

Money4icecream · 30/01/2022 09:05

[quote autienotnaughty]@Money4icecream do you want friends? I do but struggle with the effort of making friends. I'd like to think there's people like me out there I just think they are a bit more hidden and I have to be patient and look for them. [/quote]
@autienotnaughty yes I would love friends. I don't mind putting in effort but I have just lost the skills and I start panicking with chit chat and come across as desperate and serious I think. I agree I would also love to meet people like me maybe I could relax then.

fantasmasgoria1 · 31/01/2022 23:26

I have no real friends. I have one friend in my hometown but I don't see her often. She is the only person aside from my Fiance who has ever accepted me for me. I struggle to trust people and I'm always suspicious of peoples motives. I like to converse with others but sometimes my conversations are a little odd so I guess it puts people off.

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