So I need to leave my marriage

[TimeToLeaveHere]

H will be furious.
I’ve contacted Refuge, although my disability means that it won’t be safe for me to be in a Refuge, for them.
There’s no way they could take me in not because I need access for my wheelchair, for other additional reasons.

Eventually I will come away with enough money to buy a small home in a cheap area. I know that makes me very lucky but it is all the money I will ever have.
For the rest of my life I will be living on full PIP. Which I already get.

Reading this I know it would be easy to be envious, I am nearly 50 and this is my life now.
The sad fact is that H has not been able to adapt to my disability and he has not reacted well.

I am here with H now, I know how it will look eventually when we are divorced.
The problem is the time in between. I have nowhere to go and I don’t know how to get from A to B or C I suppose.

I’m unsure what I am asking for, other than moral support and any advice you can give me, or ideas of charities that could help.

Anyone help?
Have I posted in the wrong place? I thought here because I am disabled and as a result I am specifically asking for support.

This isn't a particularily busy board and your initial post at 1am in the morning wouldn't have seen many people up and about. The AIBU or Relationships boards are much busier and you would be more likely to have responses. You can request for your post to be moved by clicking on the 3 dots in the right hand corner of your post, then click 'report' and ask for the post to be moved.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice regarding your unhappy situation, other than to wish you well

I suspect because you’ve been quite deliberately vague about your disabilities some people won’t know how to reply or what specific help to offer (and I say that as someone who is on full PIP myself indefinitely due to complex autoimmune issues including lupus etc). Does your dh know how unhappy you are? Have you told him you want to end the marriage? When you say he hasn’t been supportive of your disability, what does that mean in real terms?

You’d be better off asking for your thread to be moved to relationships

Refuge is a domestic abuse organisation.

Are you suffering from DV?

Yes @Boobettes DV.
Although I didn’t want to specifically write that because it makes me cry.
I’m trying to do this on my own, one step at a time.

@DPotter tbh I wasn’t sure where to post this.
I don’t want to post in AIBU, it can be tough over there and it took me a week to pluck up the courage to post on MN at all. I’m sorry I got it wrong.

Yes @Sparrowsandbudgies I have been vague because my disability is unusual and that + my circumstances make me easily identifiable.
I use a wheelchair, though I can walk it is a fraught experience, I can only do it with support.
I too have been awarded PIP indefinitely.

H is against me receiving any medical treatment, even though my disability is potentially fatal.
He knows I am unhappy but I don’t think he believes I will, or can, leave. He should know me better than that by now.
Yes, I have told him I want to end the marriage. He ignores it. Just ignores it. I think he hopes it will just go away.

Ok but if you're looking for advice and for relevant charities, DV is relevant here I'm afraid.

Do you have children?

Sorry I’m at work on break and didn’t want to read and run but few bad for you but just think how proud u will be of yourself. It’s an upward struggle right now but one day u will look back and see how far u came. Where is your rl friends and family? Or are u quite isolated? Reach out to your nurse or gp if there is no one else. Or social services too. It might not be the right people but by communicating thy will find someone. Make sure in the meantime to do all the relevant dv recommendations. Photocopy everything. Get money u are entitled to frittered away where it won’t be found. Joint banks? Start taking some out. Get your sentimental belongings packed, jewellry, special photos etc, anything that husband may use against you to hurt you. Don’t worry about him, but what a dick to be abusive to a disabled woman, absolute cretin. Instead of looking to the future with fear and worry, look past to the good times. So what if u are disabled and in pip, you are alive and you’re your own person and no one can touch you!!

Dear TimeTo,
There will be support out there and sadly the abuse of a disabled partner is not rare - rough handling, withholding medicine etc
Speak to your GP/DN/Carers They can definitely help

That’s part of it @Shouldbedoing I have only be disabled, following an accident, for a few years.
As I can no longer drive H takes me to all hospital/Drs appointments we live in an out of the way place. The result is that he listens to all Drs conversations etc.
I am isolated and stuck at home and in the home the only way to have a private conversation is to wait until the early hours when he is asleep, go to the other end of the house, whisper and hope he doesn’t wake up.

My belongings, jewellery, photos etc are safe.

As I have not been disabled long I know it is possible to leave, I still have the grit I always had.

I’ve spoken to the Refuge helpline @Boobettes that was one of my middle of the night whisper calls.
Tbh they are at a loss too, given the nature of my disability, although they have not entirely written me off. They are currently passing my case up the chain for more advice.

No we don’t have children.

My Uni friends live a long way away, they have school age children, relationships and careers. They are great. Unfortunately my contact with them post disability has been by email/whatsapp and I don’t feel I can just chuck them a message saying “How are you all? Harriet’s exams went well? How is the new dog? And by the way, Dave is abusing me and I have to leave.” [all names and situations were made up in that scenario]

My work friends are still working. They too have families, partners and lives, my former career was the all-encompassing kind.
We stay in touch, though they are also busy.

I don’t have any family.
I really am that isolated.

Ideally I need an advocate - and that’s what I am looking for in a charity.
Given that Refuge cannot house me and I have nowhere else to go so I will be here for a while, I was looking for a good disabled charity.

Sometimes he says things which make me think am I going mad, or was that a wild thing he just said? I need a charity who can say no, it is not normal for a husband to follow you to the loo (he has just done this, I shut myself in here to type this message) as well as all the other things that make me wonder am I going mad?

Can you apply to the local authority for supported housing and/ or a care package? They have a duty to safeguard you as a vulnerable adult

@Shrinkhole to be able to access a care package the la needs to see our bank statements, I don’t mind. But… H absolutely refuses to participate and, until we are divorced, our finances are considered to be joint finances (I have already asked).
This is also why I am not receiving any care.

And if you are thinking he is controlling you by preventing your access to care and therefore no-one sees what really goes on in our house you would be absolutely correct.

And that doesn’t even make it into the top 10 reasons to leave him.

Very inclusive of Refuge, i’m sure. I thought inclusivity was something that companies live and die by these days.

Useless fuckers.

Have you checked if you are eligible for hospital transport? Also look if your area has a community transport scheme - some have wheelchair accessible vehicles.

Since you don’t have an income other than PIP, if you don’t have savings/capital over £16k, you will be eligible for UC when you separate from DH. If you are separated, it is sometimes possible to claim UC even if living in the same property/not yet divorced.

If you wish to have a consultation alone, you could try emailing the department/practice before your appointment asking if they can ensure you get chance to speak to the HCP alone without DH present and explaining the reasons why.

It is worth reading up about the financial assessment for social care support. Usually, half of joint savings/capital are included but not individual savings/capital.

Depending on your disability, have you checked if you are eligible for CHC?

Have you approached your council’s housing department?

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews to be fair to them; it is a difficult situation.
I’m going to withhold judgment until they do, or don’t, come back with something. But yes, quite. I would have hoped they would have a plan for disabled people.

@scoopofmintchocchipicecream there is not hospital transport to where I live. Yes, I know. There should be, there isn’t and besides, my husband is in all of the appointments which set up the next appointment and I can’t have a conversation with medical professionals on my own. It’s an ever decreasing circle of frustration.

No I don’t have any savings, though H does and we are married. The la have told me that his money means I cannot get support.
I can’t leave him without somewhere to live.
The la have said they will not find me emergency accommodation because they will consider I have made myself intentionally homeless. Even though there are questions all over my hospital notes about my husband’s involvement in my life.
The Police have been called by the hospitals a good few times. I told them H comes into all hospital appointments and he prevents me from receiving care, they don’t believe, or don’t understand how I am being abused.
It is difficult for anyone to imagine living here and not being able to leave the house alone, the isolation etc.
And hey, why should they care? We live in a nice house and it is difficult for people in general to understand how abuse can be here when there are roses around the door.

Am I making any sense?

I will look into CHC thank you.

Rather than relying on the LA for information, you should check them out yourself. For example, “The la have said they will not find me emergency accommodation because they will consider I have made myself intentionally homeless.” doesn’t apply if you are leaving DV. Look at Shelter for housing information confirming this here. Another example, someone else’s individual money isn’t included in financial assessments only your money and joint money. There is various information online confirming this. For example, this is one LA’s website page.

I think that as you have care needs the social care team should be able to help under their safeguarding responsibilities. They should be able to liaise with housing.

You haven't done anything wrong. And I get it takes nerve to post - speaking the words, writing the words can make a situation much more concrete.

Have you looked for local advocacy groups ?

Sorry you are going through this. Can you message your GP surgery, explain a little of your situation and ask them to discreetly create an opportunity for you to speak alone at your next appointment. They should have safeguarding/domestic abuse policies and procedures.