Unreasonable neighbor's

[NINAKAREN]

I am 60 this year . Have 3 grandchildren ages 8 9 13 yrs old . The 2 youngest have additional needs they have been with us 8 yrs this Christmas and I have a residence order
my husband unfortunately passed away 2yrs ago and I am now on my own with 3 grandchildren
I live in the south side of the city with a walled garden area with a trampoline in the garden
I have a neighbour who recently came to my door complaining about the noise in my garden I feel quite intimidated and being a widow on my own difficult enough with 3 children
it was 3..30pm in the afternoon, they were playing on the trampoline jumping and laughing screaming shouting and he told them to be quiet . Both of them have additional needs and this is there way of self regulating after being at school !
he said they are too loud and either keep them in ,or let one out at a time !

i never put them out early as I’m conscientious at the weekend of having a bit longer in bed so it’s usually around 11.30 12noon . I feel they should be allowed to run about and have fun , I can’t take both of them to a park or swimming on my own as it’s really difficult , they need 1-1 I’ve tried explaining this to my neighbour but not interested life is hard enough for me and I really feel they are being unreasonable I feel if my husband was alive would he complain , I feel bullied into keeping the peace
Am I being unreasonable ?
Last year I was hardly at home because of this in the summer months I really would like to think I could spend this summer more in our garden

I don't think children should be screaming outside, but laughing and having fun are fine. If they don't stop screaming after being told not to, then they need to go back indoors or change the activity to something different which encourages less screaming.
At the weekend, children playing outside after 9.30 is also fine.

You said yourself they were screaming and shouting so it's understandable that a neighbour wouldn't find that level of noise conducive to enjoying being in their own garden.

Do the neighbours know that the children have additional needs? (You don't say whether these have an impact on their ability to control the noise they make and show some consideration for others.) Could you have a conversation where you say "I understand that noise in the garden can be difficult, but please understand that the children struggle with [detail on additional needs]. I would like to agree a window with you when you won't complain about them having fun in their own garden so you know when to expect a bit of noise. It's not reasonable to expect them to be quiet all the time"

I don’t think they are that loud they are the only neighbors who have complained it’s a mixture of laughing and talking loudly I have explained about them both having additional needs but it falls on deaf ears
its ok for them to have friends in there garden for drinks and nibbles and they are laughing I never complain !

You’ve said they need 1:1 but also that you ‘put them out’. Do you leave them in the garden unsupervised?
your DGC are entitled to down time in their own garden, but so are your neighbours. 2 children of their age screaming and shouting in the next door garden would drive me absolutely bats!

it was 3..30pm in the afternoon, they were playing on the trampoline jumping and laughing screaming shouting and he told them to be quiet

it’s a mixture of laughing and talking loudly

Only one of these can be true. There's always a temptation to minimise an issue. Do you spend anytime outside in the garden with the children?

it falls on deaf ears
If only...

I live next door to children who enjoy screaming in the garden. It's really intrusive and means we can't use our garden when they're out.

Laughing and playing is no problem, but the absolute top of the lungs screaming makes me pretty miserable.

Put yourself in your neighbours shoes and try to find a compromise.

I always said to mine you can laugh and have fun but NO screaming.
Thankfully I have now moved from the neighbouring being murdered screaming child in her trampoline.

Screaming and shouting in the garden isn't okay. Both you and your neighbours should be able to enjoy your gardens, which means not creating unreasonable noise.

Ignore the neighbour. I can’t take my kids out alone either safely. So you enjoy your garden. People who haven’t been tethered in this way will never understand.

He would have hated having to live next to mine when they were young as pool time was a mix of shrieking and the shouting of ‘Marco’ ‘Polo’ for what seemed like an eternity. It was limited to 1.5/2hrs and was only ever in the afternoon so I figured we could all live with it. You didn’t hear anything from them otherwise.

Thanks i feel I’m being very reasonable they go out into their garden when my grandchildren are having teatime and I don’t let them go out again . But in a sunny day I do my best to keep them quiet probably more than others do but it’s not going to be all whispers when splashing in water and having fun

I can categorically say I spend all my time with them I take them to school nurture them and play with them I may not jump on the trampoline with them however they are supervised at All Times . The neighbours go out around 5-5.30pm and the children don’t get to go out after their teatime . I feel as a grandparent bringing them up now alone I am doing a job of a parent I am not looking for sympathy just some understanding yes children can laugh and giggle and gave loud noises as can adults when throwing a party but I don’t allow it to carry on into the early hours of the morning children should be allowed to play in there own garden rather than be shoved Outside ti there own devices

And that’s exactly what I do

Last year I took them away most of the time and so many times it was a task as 2young children with autism and adhd is hard work I did this because I’m not wanting them to complain the other 2 neighbours one above me and the other above them say don’t be silly they are enjoying themselves it’s lovely to hear children having fun

You did say in your op that your gc were screaming and shouting, which your neighbours find intolerable. I would too, to be fair. Well done to you for taking them on, but perhaps move the trampoline closer to your house, so that you get the noise and are on hand to make sure they don't get too loud, instead of the neighbours having to deal with it. No one is suggesting the children have to whisper, and with a bit of consideration they can happily play out all summer.

I think laughing and talking loudly is absolutely fine.

But screaming and shouting isn't if you have close neighbours.

What kind of SN do the younger ones have? Do they understand if you tell them not to scream and shout?

Screaming is not ok. No one wants to listen to that when they’re trying to relax. I can understand why your neighbour is annoyed.

I'd complain too if children were screaming and shouting and preventing me enjoying my garden. I would complain whether your husband was there or not.

Children playing is normal household noise. If they have ADHD they may have poor impulse control. Disabled children have a right to play as all children do.

I understand why it's intimidating, but you don't have to do what the neighbour says. Keeping them indoors from teatime onwards sounds like a reasonable compromise.

And people have the right to enjoy their garden

I would advise approaching them in a reasonable way without the defensiveness of being a widow and the children's additional needs.
We live next door to neighbours whose children made our lives a living misery. We didn’t use our garden for many years as a result. Our relationship with them completely broke down. You can’t always understand how excessive noise effects other people when you are the one causing it. You need to try and see things from your neighbours point of view.

The trampoline is near my house not there’s and I find that since my husband passed away between the 4 neighbours he has decided to take it upon himself to tell me how the children should behave . I have spoken tithe other 2 neighbours and they have both said they have no issues with the children

I sympathise but you really can't accuse your neighbour of being unreasonable because he objects to screaming and shouting.

Children do occasionally get a little too loud but even allowing for special needs, if this is all the time then it's too much.

I would explore other ways to help them self-regulate that are less intrusive to your neighbours (who, by the way, may only be coming out to use their garden when the children go in for tea because they've gone in for their tea). You find support groups helpful for ideas.

All of us have to make compromises to live harmoniously alongside each other and one neighbour doesn't have a greater right than another.

Find a way to reduce their screaming and shouting and your neighbour might find their tolerance levels increase.

I have lived in my house for 20 yrs and kept things amicable however when I have 2 grandchildren with adhd autism that have been here 8yrs and there 13yr old brother I feel I am dealing with it remarkable well ! I have considered my neighbour need I keep them in early hr of the morning at weekends until midday. Shall I just not let them out and keep them in all day or , can I let them out to self regulate or I’m I not allowed

can I let them out to self regulate or I’m I not allowed

You're having a very emotional response to the issue which is of course completely understandable but will not help to resolve it at all. You need to step back and try and put emotion to one side to find a compromise.

Your neighbour isn't making a personal attack on you or your grandchildren and they're not setting out to make your life harder.