I am a toxic person please help me change myself *trigger about abusive behaviour*

[SingaSong12]

IABU please help me change
Sorry this is long
This is with my parents. MN would definitely advise them to go NC. I am a middle aged woman and toxic. I am intolerant, do not deal well with any imperfections. I can be aggressive. Although this is heightened in stressful situations it isn't just then. I am foul mouthed.
If I was a toddler I would be constantly having temper tantrums. This is in public - my father will say "are you going to make a scene and embarrass us, and the trouble is even though I know it is wrong I still do make the scene.

I am trying mindfulness meditation (daily for some months) to help me be calmer, but it doesn't seem to be able to get that in before the anger is out. I have always been like that. Now it is well past my responsibility to deal with it.

To not drip feed I have various disabilities. I have depression but the behaviour started well before that. I have autism, diagnosed a couple of years ago. There is no support in my area. I am isolated and rely on my parents though I live alone.

I hate myself. I have tried some anger management/cbt techniques but the aggressive words seem put there before I even begin to practice it. I have had counselling before regarding social isolation.

Can anyone suggest where I go from here.

I suggest you try the Mumsnetters with Special Needs forum, rather than AIBU.

I would start by learning more about autism and your other needs. This should help you understand why some things are difficult, frustrating or make you angry. Being able to spot your triggers means you can then work on minimising them.

For example certain noises make me incredibly overwhelmed which can manifest as anger. I now stay away from these noises or wear earphones etc and it helps.

Knowing you are unreasonable is a huge step. Working out the triggers is the next one. It can be done but will take time.

I’m not surprised to read how bad you feel and how angry you are. I expect a lot of how you feel about yourself has come from your parents and their interaction with you as a child. I expect they were very intolerant of you, perhaps frustrated by your disabilities, angry that you were not a “perfect” child. Your parents taught you how to react to stressful situations - I expect you are just mimicking them - they as adults were not able to overcome their own feelings and somehow you are to blame.

You are blaming yourself but knowing this is wrong hence the depression- you need support but the only support you have is from the people who have hurt you in the first place. It’s no wonder you feel like you do.

Somehow you have to get to a place that no matter how toxic your parents were they were probably doing their best. Maybe they needed help support too that wasn’t available and they were angry at this. This is a very hard concept to get around but if you can forgive your parents and understand that they did their best even though it was severely lacking you may find some of your anger releases. You also have to forgive yourself and realise that your emotions are justified for what you have been through. WE are allowed to be angry when life is hard this is human what causes complications is that we are told just to get on with it.

Keep going with the meditation this is very positive - you have to quieten the negative talk in your head - then when you are doing this you canslowly start to replace this talk with kind words, loving words that really should have come from your parents! The fact that you are aware and want to change is more than half the battle
I believe it is possible to really leave our past behind not just shut it in a box - but face it explore it and make peace with it and then go forward - does this make sense - but you may need to distance yourself from your parents if you cannot do this whilst in close contact

Good luck

Hi
Thank you for your responses. I have taken a long time to process them.

One issue is that I don't think that my parents are toxic at all. This isn't particularly the model I saw. There was shouting but it resolved. It was also only on important things. I don't keep it to really important things. My parents were always clear in public with no arguments, but that is not true for me. I am going to ask that this be moved to MNwtters with SEN.

You are showing a lot of self awareness and ownership of your behaviour. Admitting you need help is a good step. I don't really have any advice apart from trying to isolate known triggers and talk to your parents about them.

CBT and mindfulness are supposed to be good for anger management and impulse control so you are doing well to pursue these. I struggle myself with the red mist and subsequent guilt and remorse but without SEN or the dependence which must make it so much harder for you. Family dynamics are complicated. Have you seen a family therapist together ever?

Hello, OP,

We're going to move this to Mumsnetters with SN, like you've asked, where we hope you'll find some wonderful support.