where is the community for autistic mothers?

[iwishicouldbelikedavidwatts]

i could really do with "finding my tribe" but i don't know where to look.

i genuinely can't do facebook - i've tried multiple times under various alter-egos but i find it overwhelming and intrusive. i can do twitter but i'm old and "grew up" with forums and i don't quite understand how it works in a group sense.

i'm an ancient mumsnetter but it's so huge and impersonal and fast-paced now.

are there any "safe" spaces?

There doesn't seem to be much around. I'm not on Facebook either. Maybe set up a thread on here? It would be lovely if mums currently without a diagnosis could be part of the thread too. I'm awaiting assessment so can't say with certainty that I am autistic

there's an existing support thread further down the forum but i feel odd jumping in without reading the entire thread and having something useful to contribute. maybe i should just get over that ;)

i didn't realise that sn threads don't appear in active (or don't show for me anyway)

i think i've got used to the sense of "enclosed" spaces where the majority are there under the same understanding. i also like neatly ordered topics and threads :D

I like neatly ordered topics and threads too! I would like to chat with other autistic mothers although I am nowhere near a diagnosis I have only recently discovered the traits in women and believe I have lots.

I really struggle with being a Mum, though it is better now I have time alone whilst dd has her 15 hours at nursery. What I have read makes sense of a lot of the things I find hard, sensory things and so on. I am massively unsure about whether to have a second child. And now I worry I have something that I might not want to pass on iyswim.

Have you been diagnosed long iwish (assuming you are)? How many kids do you have?

I feel the same LetsPlay which is why I'm stopping at one child. I just don't have the energy for more and find playgroups really triggering for my anxiety.

Strigiformes when I was settling dd at nursery there was a point in the afternoon the whole school would come out for playtime I found it so difficult to focus I felt like the noise was attacking me! I hadn't read anything of autism then but now it's in my notes I'm making for when I get up the courage to go to the gp.

I also worry about having a child who is more clingy than dd. I couldn't handle a child like my niece who will come and sit and cuddle with anyone. I found it really hard not to push her off me when she stayed here! I found it suffocating. I did on occasion manage to gently move say her arm so she was a bit less on me so that I could handle it.

Can I ask Strigiformes -does your partner understand why you only want one? I can't imagine mine ever getting what I experience and we originally planned to have two.

@letsplay - diagnosed a year ago, 2 kids 11 & 15.

eldest was referred 18 months or so back to CAHMS for depression/anxiety and got a somewhat puzzling referral to neurodevelopment team. once i started reading up on asd presentation in girls it was like every lightbulb going on in my head at once.

i wouldn't be without the pair of them for the world, but i was SAHM when they were preschool, and kids/development were a kind of special interest. it was only once the eldest was in school full time i could cope with having a second. i won't lie it's been a struggle getting this far and i rely heavily on a supportive and capable dp.

since diagnosis i've been better able to manage and explain stuff, which is helpful, but tbh the fear of having a "thing" that might get passed on was something i considered before having kids. it's not like i've ever been really been "normal" in any sense ;)

iwish meant to say, I don't understand Twitter either so you're not alone there!

I am glad that something positive has come from your diagnosis.

Even before I had kids I knew I'd never have a small age gap but now I know I would have to have dd in school to manage, if at all, but I'll be 41 by then so that's another factor...

Are there any local meet ups you could consider attending? I just wondered because I recently saw an ad for a coffee morning for parents whose kids have ASD (though I've not seen one for parents themselves with ASD, but then again, I haven't actively looked).

Normal is boring!!

heh, meetups are out for me. i have a certain amount of face-to-face "social" energy that's entirely used up with my family and a couple of close friends. diagnosis definitely helped me recognise where i was overreaching in social terms, and to focus on making those existing relationships a higher priority.

written communication is much more straightforward - having time to consider and compose a reply vs being "on the spot" and accidentally weird/rude :D

Hi LetsPlay, my partner is really supportive and luckily only wants one too. It would be difficult if he didn't but I wouldn't change my mind. I know my limits and I would really struggle with two children. My dd is very tactile and I do find that hard at times because I like my personal space.

I'm the same 'iwish' with lacking social energy. I would love to go to Meet up groups but I just find socialising with new people exhausting. Then there will be the inevitable meltdown when back at home with the negative thoughts and hyperfocusing on all the social mistakes that I made. It's so much nicer to stay in with a good book and chocolate.

i can be pretty sociable under beneficial conditions tbf, but i think i might be an instructive example of autistic burnout.

before kids i had enough in me to do other stuff as well. since kids, definitely much less so. i have to pick and choose which bits i'm going to manage in any given week and it will never be even half of it, if that makes any sense? that's my baseline.

then add onto that regular phases of complete withdrawal, letting everything stop. when you have kids it's impossible to let everything stop without a really strong support network to fall back on, and knowing you won't be judged/sacked for it, or having a rough idea how long it will take this time before you surface again.

my need to recharge along with the degree of left-aloneness that i need to do so isn't easy to accommodate, but i can work on that. i wonder about whether i might have made different choices if i'd really understood what was underlying things for me. or whether the choices i've instinctively made along the way have actually served me better than actively trying to reason things out might have...

I thought you might say that about face to face groups iwish but I didn't like to presume!

I can understand about before kids. For me now I'm not working and dd is in nursery I am doing ok as I don't really socialise so when I do it is usually by choice and it's not too much. I find it exhausting when grandparents come to stay though. Phyiscally drained. Which I wondered about before because they take dd off my hands so I should be less tired but I'm not!

It's great that you're so aware of your need to get that recharge time.

Strigiformes thanks for answering. I feel bad about the whole thing. DP knows it would be hard but I think he feels two is just what you do. I feel like I am going back on something but a lot of water has gone under the bridge since we first had dd.

I'm seeing my dad at the weekend and planning to tell him I think I have aspergers and that I think he does too. Maybe I will bottle out of it. But I think it might help him. Then I worry I'm wrong about that! Anyway. It might be selfish but I need to share.

I was also wondering whether you guys are able to mask in front of your children?

One thing that I have realised this week is that I find it impossible. I know I should 'be a grown up' for dd but I find it so hard to try to not be just what I am/what I am thinking. I can not stop words from coming out. Like at bedtime if I am thinking I can't hack this messing about and I want to just walk out of the door I shouldn't say that to her but I can't concentrate on both supressing saying that/actually leaving and getting her tucked back in. So it comes blurting out. I am going to ruin the poor girls self esteem.

It has always been that I am different at home. DP would be the only one to see. Now it will be her as well. This is a big reason for me that I think we shouldn't have another.

i don't mask with the kids, but i've had to work a lot on "age appropriate" :D

to add to that: that i don't have to, that i've had the pleasure and joy of those uncomplicated connections is part of the reason i absolutely don't regret having two. they are completely different people and open completely new perspectives to me. i don't mask with my dp or best friends either.

i wish i'd had a better understanding of how to manage having two, while still having an inner/non-parenting life though.

I find it exhausting when grandparents come to stay though. Phyiscally drained. Which I wondered about before because they take dd off my hands so I should be less tired but I'm not!

is there an option for dc staying at theirs - that's one of my favourite bits :)

I don't mask in front of my dd yet but have a habit of talking out loud in front of her which I'll have to curb when she's older. Having children is tough but fantastic too. I'm a big fan of wine to get me through at the mo though!

Hi everyone, can I join? Not diagnosed but have been referred by gp and am waiting for appointment. I’ve got four kids and a wonderful husband that makes the whole thing possible. I’ve had to try and learn how to be normal as my eldest is ten now and has a normal life of her own and also we are Christians and therefore part of a church, which means socialising sometimes. More than one child is possible, definitely, but I don’t work outside writing and doing church things and my husband supports me more than most do I think.

hey oddgirl, the more the merrier imho :)

@Strigiformes i was too big a fan of the wine for a while, before i knew what the hell was going or was able put in place actual coping strategies. anecdotally i know (of) many late-diagnosed autistics that have/had addiction problems of one kind or another. breaking long-established habits isn't known as one of our strong points ;)

I think I have that problem with food and wine, to an extent. I’m not overweight but I’m heavier than I want to be and it is nigh on impossible to change the habits I am in regarding food and alcohol. Any suggestions?

I'm aware that drinking wine has become a bit of a coping mechanism for me so i'm cutting down, it's tricky through because it's become quite habitual now. Hi Oddgirl out, I'm the same with the weight worry so am trying to lose some at the moment. I love sweet things and snack a lot so am trying to eat healthier. Aldi sell fruit bars which are really nice and I try and eat lots of nuts if I'm feeling peckish. It's hard though, I miss biscuits!

i had to properly stop drinking for a while in order to reset - at one massive-life-stress point i was drinking instead of eating and was a complete liability tbh.

i try very hard to think about food in terms of quality/nutrition. it's too easy for me to get into a cycle where i restrict and/or obsess about numbers and/or over-exercise. hyper-focus when it comes to dieting is not something i can afford to mess about with. so i'm very kind to myself about my weight - which involves spending far too much money on having clothes i like and that fit, but that's a much less dangerous indulgence :D

The last few days I’ve tried to eat little and often rather than starving myself because of being anxious about weight and then eating too much when I’m hungry. This seems to be working because I feel like I’ve got lots more energy. I wonder if I can keep it up?! I find it really difficult to change routines.

What does everyone here do for jobs/fill their time with? My last child is about to start school in September. I’ve been doing a masters degree this year and also I’ve written a children’s book that will be published in January. I’m hoping writing takes off for me (not in a big, famous way - just sustainably) as I think it will suit my need to work but without pressure or people!

Hi Oddgirl, very exciting about your book. What age do you write for?

I am doing nothing much and I am in my element! I have a thing, which I now realise is massively likely to be an aspergers type thing, about de-cluttering and organising my house/things. So I am just doing bits of that and have started reading Tony Attwood as my first information not from the internet. I really need to get a part-time job but I think I am doing really well (not been this serene in years!) because I have some time alone from dd whilst she is at nursery and that she and housework are the only current string to my bow. Not juggling seems to be really positive for me. I am also trying to write my list of things that make me suspect I have aspergers unfortunately I keep thinking of more and more so it is getting ridiculously long and is all sporadic -I was planning to put it in some kind of order but now think that will be quite hard! Also I have another list for dd who I suspect has it. Or she may well just be being 3! I most recently thought oh she can't be because nursery have this week said on a few occasions how kind she is with other children. Then open Attwood last night and he lists kindness as a 'thing' just like a fondness of animals!! Agh!

Was your MA in writing or something else? Youngest starting school is a big sea change I imagine.

iwish I wish! It would be great if dd could stay with grandparents but they are all far away the other side of the country so I'd actively have to taker her there and go elsewhere, which I don't think she could handle quite yet. Plus she rarely lets her dad put her to bed let alone anyone else

I told my Dad I think he might have aspergers and we had quite a good chat. He has since been doing online tests which suggest so! I told my Mum who got a bit 'oh lots of people are shy and they overcome it when they're older' for my liking but there you go. The thing is I want to tell my brother because I am sure it effects him too but he is having a bad time with his mental health right now. I don't know what to do because this could be linked to why. But also he has just started on new antidepressants and I am worried about tipping him over the edge.