Getting more autistic

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

I'm sure I've read an article online about this but I'm convinced I'm becoming more autistic. Walking home from the school run in the rain this morning I lost my cool with DD who keeps mumbling questions/demands at me whilst I'm already uncomfortable from the noise of the traffic and wind. I've been getting jaw ache and a feeling like trapped wind in my head and neck and have discovered I need to chew to make it go away. Or hang with my head upside down or the pressure gets too much. This is usually when overloaded by too much or a certain frequency of noise.

Popped to the shop and I need a list in front of me or I forget half of what I went in for. I've got my sunglasses on and yet the lights are still too bright, it's too noisy from the fridges and fluorescent lights and people chatting. I can't make eye contact with the cashier. I can't concentrate on what I'm there for if someone talks to me.

I lose my train of thought a lot if interrupted, find it impossible to follow verbal instructions. If faced with too much choice all I see is 'stuff' and my brain shuts down. I 'reset' a lot - freeze and stare into space.

I get brain fog at least once a day (I describe it as having treacle soaked cotton wool in my head) feel overloaded so easily, stress tolerance very low despite being pretty happy. I literally feel like my brain is being pulled on when the children are asking for lots of things at once. I get really grumpy when people nag me or tell me what to do.

I struggle to maintain conversation with other people unless we're having a proper heart to heart and often then I will scrutinise every element of the conversation later and think I've talked too much. I just can't do small talk. Find eye contact very hard unless I'm just listening. Take it very personally if someone is slightly 'off' or different with me. Drive myself crazy worrying about what people think, even ones whose opinion I don't care about.

I take things far more literally than I realised, I didn't know how much I rely on routine until recently, I do things in the same way over and over again unless I find a better way - feel very put out and confused if someone does it differently (an example is going a different way somewhere, method of washing up) I'm not consciously trying to say my way is the only way, I just can't understand why someone would do it differently. And yet I feel I am very tolerant and enthusiastic about diversity in life.

Thing is before I started reading about ASD because things weren't adding up with DS I had no idea I had all these problems. I've always found social stuff hard but assumed I was shy, I've had anxiety and depression but assumed they were because of a shit childhood. I didn't even notice sensory issues until the stress of having 2 DC got too much. But the more I struggle with coping with SN kids the more I feel I can relate to the reasons behind them.

Can sensory issues manifest later in life or have I just repressed all this stuff and just 'got by' by masking?

Does anyone relate to any of this?

That sounds a perfect summary/explanation polter although I sort of want to be able to mask again because I feel like I suffered less and was a nicer person. Becoming overloaded with information or sensory stuff makes me horrible to my family and is darned inconvenient. I can't even read a school letter in one sitting, it just looks like words. I almost have a meltdown when any kind of official letter pops through the post (HMRC, DWP etc), filling in forms is a total nightmare. Even day to day stuff (ok witching hour with 3 kids plus SNs) is too much for me a lot of the time.

The supermarket is a dreaded necessity, I get so obsessed with things and getting them 'right' it interferes with my own enjoyment if that makes any sense. For example I spend so much time planning and researching things I can't be bothered with self care beyond make up and rarely take time for myself (tbh I have no idea how to relax or only do one thing at a time)

My parents can't tell me anything about my childhood and all I remember is being yelled at and hit so it's hard to know which came first. I'm not in the right place to pursue diagnosis right now having just got DS's and watching DD closely (and struggling a lot with her behaviour) as she appears to fit a profile too...but I feel it is something I must do at some point. But the same as for our children I'm aware it doesn't open any doors for support. I think I'm looking for a big bow to tie up all my 'issues' and I'm almost certain ASD is it. A lot of the disorder doesn't bother me because I just see it as a difference but right now the sensory stuff feels like a curse.

Sorry I'm rambling. I just find it odd that I could feel so autistic at this point in my life and yet a couple of years ago hadn't even considered it and a few years before that didn't even know what it was.

It's not something I've looked into yet but have you ever heard of any cure or treatment for it? I understand there's sensory stuff you can do if you need to bounce or chew etc but firstly how does one know they need to do that stuff? Is it really obvious or is the overwhelmed feeling a clue that you need to be doing something already??

When I look at DS's behaviour sometimes I feel like he's very good at meeting his own sensory needs sometimes. He will sit with his headphones on listening to his iPod (hands down best present we ever bought him) with a big cushion on his lap in the corner of the sofa or he will crash on piles of sofa cushions etc. I suppose I'm always trying to 'get on' with chores or tending to DC so don't really have a chance to sit down and work out what I need.

So lately I feel foggy headed, grumpy and overwhelmed a lot.

Do your colleagues notice you hiding out? What do they say if so?

I spent an awful lot of time in the toilets at work when pregnant with DS as was pretty much constantly being sick. It was such a relief to finally tell them why!

I do relate to your lovely description in your OP NiceCup, and with the awareness and knowledge about ASD for me comes an awful lot of self consciousness that was not so intense before. Also peri menopause does not help the mental fog. However I am more self accepting as well as I know I am not going mad! People, children, noise, overstimulation etc ARE difficult.

I have definitely become more autistic- but that lead to my diagnosis not vice versa!

After a series of very stressful events happening in close succession, I had a 'burnout'. Basically the demands being placed on me exceeded my ability to cope and so my skills underwent a huge regression, particularly executive function skills. I can no longer screen out a lot of sensory input, I go into meltdown quicker/more easily and my speech and processing have slowed down.

Imagine blowing up a balloon, but the balloon has a tiny hole that lets some air out. The hole is my coping skills, the air being blown in is stress. If too much air (stress) happens at the same time, the vent hole won't release air fast enough, and eventually the balloon will explode (as I did!).

I'm now 'allowing' myself to make more adaptations and ask for help more. I'm on sertraline for anxiety. I carry my headphones and earplugs around with me. I wear a chewigem necklace almost constantly. I also have fiddle toys and extra medication for 'emergencies'. If I need to take myself off somewhere quiet, I do. My husband and sister in law are good, I only need to say a couple of words (which is often all I can manage) and they will step in to help.

Definitely relate to this too and like Crohn it was a period of high stress and trauma that led to me seeking diagnosis. And while that brought some relief and acceptance, I feel very self conscious too Cooking and I don't like that, I hope it fades because at the moment it's like I can see everything too clearly and I'm analysing everything I do or say. It's making me angry, I almost miss the blissful ignorance of my earlier life. Except it wasn't that blissful.

Sensory stuff is much worse, my skin feels thinner, maybe it's continued stress and no time alone, but yes, lots of time with ear defenders on and chewing, that's new to me I'm sure. My jaw aches constantly and chewing relieves it. My daughter told me I was chewing like a horse the other day.

The awareness isn't all bad and I've changed some keys things in my life, it's a work in progress. I was always quite fearless, even if that bordered on reckless, and I don't want to become too scared of the world. I have just backed out of a work trip to South Asia though.

I'm trying to be clearer about what I need. It's all very hard though.

Aww it's so lovely to hear some other experiences.

My jaw aches too. I only realised a few weeks ago it was a need to chew, before that I had no clue. It's worse when there's a lot of other sensory input or in a busy environment. After getting DS's diagnosis a couple of months back I found myself chewing absentmindedly on the nursing necklace I have for DD2, it kind of went from there.

I have been tortured all night and for most of today with a song stuck in my head. It's off the new Adele album. It goes around in a loop and even when I'm asleep it's still there whenever I stir or wake to feed or go to the toilet. Is this an ASD thing?

I saw a documentary recently on OCD (another thing I have many traits of particularly in the post-natal period) and something that struck me was the discovery that there is something inherently different about the brain of someone with OCD that thoughts are literally caught in a loop. It makes me wonder if that's what's happening. I wish I could let it go but there's so much other noise I'm already bothered by it seems unfair to be unable to escape from it even in my own head

It's really lovely some of you have support in RL. I've just had some cards printed up from this website that explain how I'm feeling when I'm not able to articulate it. Otherwise I have incidents like the other day when DH was trying to explain to me how our (ridiculously complicated) shower taps work and all I could hear was words. I kept saying I couldn't take in any more information and he just kept talking. In the end I said "are you able to do it for me? Can you then please?!" I know I sounded quite rude but people just don't seem to get that what I'm actually saying is 'if you continue to talk to me I will explode' - I totally get that balloon analogy.

The scary thing for me is I seem completely unable to ask for or accept help (mostly due to shitty childhood meaning I don't trust anyone) and yet I reach crisis point fairly often...and I don't really know what to do about it.

I want to understand more about not being able to ask for help, it seems to involve many missing links - recognising I need help, knowing what that help would be, who to ask, actually asking for it - it's simpler to do it myself, which makes me look like a super efficient, independent person or ridiculously stoical, or just stubborn. Until I collapse in a heap

It's tough, isn't it Polter. Thinking about it, the other missing link is accepting help. I usually refuse any offers because I need to do things myself. Not sure what the answer is.

Though asking for help here on these boards has been invaluable. Maybe distance and anonymity help

Wow oneboot you've summed me up. Another thing I put down to a crappy childhood that I can't ask for or accept help. I never considered there were so many elements to it.

I feel like nobody could do it right and feel guilty so don't ask. Constantly make excuses, my eldest is nearly 5, the only time he's been looked after without me there I've either been upstairs sleeping as I'm ill or I've been giving birth!

Could it be an ASD thing?

My tolerance for sensory stuff is very low today and therefore my anxiety levels have rocketed. I need some more earplugs (anyone have any good ones?) some proper headphones and some chewy tags for me and DS. Does anyone know where to get these at a reasonable price? DS is still decided which kind he likes the best and it's getting expensive trying them all out. I think we've settled on the dog tag type (which are good because they come in a pack of two which can be split) but they're £14 on Amazon or chewigem. Is that the going rate or am I missing a trick?

I am not sure if I have become more autistic or if I just notice it more!

Lots of the people around me have children with Asd and they notice now that there are things that I struggle with.

I have always struggled with lights, noises and smells.

Do any of you have a sensory diet for your DC? Are you aware of your own sensory needs? I'm wondering if it might be an idea for me to work mine out and try and put something into place. I seem to spend so much time lately in a state of panic looking for something to chew or earplugs or sunglasses or wine or wondering how to explain to the DC person talking endlessly at me that my brain is completely full and cannot take in any more information and will implode if they don't stop...I'm wondering if all this could be prevented if I had certain things I did each day

Also does anyone meditate? I've been using headspace on and off for a couple of years and I definitely notice a difference when I am in the habit of meditating. Out of it at the moment and finding it really hard to get back in to

I've also noticed food affects me. Did whole30 back in the summer and have discovered that sugar fuels my anxiety massively and quite a few other foods effect me in other ways.

Would love to know how others look after themselves. I'm so shit at it that it's an effort and I have to set reminders for everything or I'd forget to do basic looking after myself until again reaching crisis point

I wear sunglasses alot and have started to wear headphones in big supermarkets.

I have always been fairly crap at looking after my own mental health and well being but since I started home edding Dd3 and stopped working I am making sure that we have enough down time !

I bought some earplugs from boots, can't remember what brand they are but they are designed for listening to music (eg at gigs) so you can still talk/hear people speak with them in. They do a 'sleep' version as well. They're not brilliantly comfortable, they made my ears itch after an hour, but I have weird shaped ear canals and can't normally wear reusable ear plugs at all (I usually have the wax ones but you can only use those a couple of times), so I think they'd be fine for anyone else! And they came with a little carry box, with a loop you could attach to a keyring or similar.

Chewigem and their sister site gumigem sometimes have brilliant sales on, so it's worth checking regularly- I picked up some chubes and a toggle tag at half price. I also liked stimtastic even though it's based in the USA- I ordered from there last year and it worked out about £12 for a necklace delivered, my first delivery got lost but Cynthia sent me out a replacement and that arrived within a week or so.

I have a huge collection of fiddle toys, mainly from eBay (though you do have to be careful with the quality on there).

Food does affect me, as a child I wasn't allowed certain E numbers (particular flavours and colours) because my behaviour would deteriorate drastically. I also have trouble with energy levels and it's probably at least partly related to sugar but I don't have the willpower to cut it out!

With DD I tell her my head hurts when I can't take her endless chatter any more!

I'm still not brilliant at self care, but I'm better than I was.

Hope it's ok for me to join in.

I'm currently looking at getting a diagnosis for myself - after seeing my DD go through the same life as I did, 'something' has fell into place.

This thread alone makes so much sense. I'm always so busy trying to meet the needs of my dc, that I completely forget mine. Which means I'm always on the verge of hell breaking loose - it's so exhausting.

As for the chewing! Wow! I go through about 40+ packs of chewing gum a week. For me, it's also a certain flavour as well as the need to chew.

Today I realised I always sort my new potatoes by size from the bag, eating the smallest ones first. I would even weigh them sometimes, just for fun, and align them. I never gave it any thoughts, but now I realised it is such an autistic thing to do! It made me laugh. My biggest problem now is wether I should bother with a diagnostic for myself, the idea being to disclose it at work. I cannot decide if this would help me or hinder me.

cookingwine I understand what you mean, it is a quandary. Chatting to my DB the other day he said to me "but who defines what is 'normal'? Why does it matter?" And to a certain point I agree. However I feel that the world we live in is a neurotypical one and those of us who are not neurotypical are in danger of feeling like there is something inherently 'wrong' with us because we don't seem to fit in. I need things to be neat and ordered or I feel stressed, I like things to be predictable. I can chat for England about something I feel confident in but when it comes to small talk I freeze and my eye contact goes 'weird'. I struggle with day to day stuff like remembering or being bothered to shower, going to the supermarket leaves me physically and mentally drained and confused and overwhelmed. I've never felt like I fit in with other people, as an adult I've always felt like a fraud. I think a diagnosis for me would mean there was a Neurological reason for these things, I'd no longer feel like a 'freak' - I know a lot of people who know me would think I was crazy even considering I'm on the autistic spectrum, but that's because I'm very good at masking, at suffering in silence. At most I just come off as a little odd, shy or even a bit rude. I suppose I just want peace of mind that I'm not weird, I'm just wired differently.

NiceCup I didn't realise that my difficulties (everything you seem to describe) were down to asd. Once I got my diagnosis, everything made sense and fell into place. I was experiencing autistic burnout due to the demands at work, so my symptoms were definitely getting worse and more noticeable. This is why I went for assessment.