Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

I cant do the pasting as is On mobile and not at all tech savvy . Posted essayOn other thread and EauRouge guided me over here. Just wanted to ask about this sense of direction here too. Its the "inbuilt" compass, and the thinking things (like academic studies) must be really hard, because I am fairly flaky, and Then I do well without feeling I covered things well. Does it make sense?
I used to work self employed kind of complementary health. I am a business disaster! The networking was impossible as I got So anxious and either blabbered too much Or clamped up, just loitering in a corner and Then going home in tears.
My New partner is really good at that kind of stuff. That reminds me of My other question, which is Something like, How can One be intelligent and apparently challenge a guy who is boss in a high paid, well respected profession, yet still in mid-thirties be career-free and trying to study for å first uni degree? I was So happy to read Rudy Simones book where She mentioned this patchy career trajectory as a common thing. But I still dont get it.

good lord. Sorry about appalling writing! Having trouble on the mobile!

Hi all. I'm here because I am just going through the to and fro of should I shouldnt I get my boy assessed. I have been here before and I think we have decided to do it.

And when I've been 'here' before, I always look at myself and DH and eldest son and think hmmm.

I just did some of the ASD and ADHD tests. I've done them before and found similar things. NT on the ASD ones, but right up there scoring 17/18 on the ADHD ones.

And then I look at that stuff and go, jeez, doesn't EVERYONE struggle with deadlines, mess, temper? Surely I cant be diagnosable if I've made it this far into a senior well paid job, a house and stuff? Isn't it just, well, "me"?

And then I think about all the "costs": the rows, the depression, the anxiety, the low self esteem, the mess, the clutter, the never ever feeling relaxed or organised, the huge debt, money and weight problems, the perfectionism, the pissing DH off constantly interrupting him and finishing his sentences, the all or nothing work style, the deadline jockeying, the sleep problems, the childhood tantrums, the never quite meeting my potential.

And then I just wonder all over again...

Hi turbonerd I think I understand where you're coming from with the academic stuff - I don't feel that I 'know' anything, and as I said I have an awful memory, yet I got good GCSEs and A levels, a 1st class chemistry degree and a PhD. Although a lot of that comes from my obsessive nature (crazy amounts of revision = good exam results!) and attention to detail, obsession and hard work can get you an analytical chemistry PhD (especially if you write such a long and detailed thesis that there's little left for them to ask you in your viva!!). I still don't feel I did any of it well though, and I'm so disorganised, however hard I try. I have often said that I'm the messiest perfectionist ever!

I've struggled a lot in jobs - some short term things and work placement during my degree, then I lasted 2 years in my 1st job after my PhD before getting ME and now I've spent 2 years off work ill.

The never phoning my family or friends, the forgetting of important stuff (though thankfully I've now outsourced my busy brain to Google and various apps), the panic attacks and phobias, the overwhelmingness of some things, but my complete driven ness and sociability at other times, the digestive problems, the visual memory, the ability to hyper focus, the speaking or acting before thinking, the getting caught up in talking too much, too fast, too long... The fall out of silent withdrawal sometimes.

Isn't this just LIFE? Or should I seek help? What would help give me? Medication? Would it make a difference (in my late 40s?)

I often long for a calm steady pill, to reduce the angst and drama. But would I lose the energy I do have?

turbo, I have always really struggled with employment. I haven't had a full time job for 13 years, and I haven't been in paid employment at all for about 9 years (which is most of my adult life, I'm only 34). Aside from one job where I lasted 18 months, the others have all been very short lived.

I don't know why I struggle so much. A big part of it is that I struggle with authority/social hierarchy. I can't cope with someone else being in control of me or talking down to me, it makes me feel trapped and panicky and defensive. I have walked out of so many jobs because of this. I've also been fired from a fair few, some of them I don't know why. Some of them it was obvious that I just didn't 'fit in'.

I did consider self-employment but considering I'm such an executive functioning disaster, it's probably not viable. Also I'd likely have the same authority/control issues with my customers. So employment looks like something that will just never happen for me. It's been one of the biggest challenges I've faced. Luckily DH is very supportive but I do worry what would happen to me if he passed away.

impulsive, welcome to the thread. It's funny how seeing things in our children can make us discover new things about ourselves. I think quite a few of us ended up here in the same way.

What you say about 'everyone' feeling that way is something I've heard so many times. You are right though, that the cost might not be the same for everyone. I'm sure everyone does have a tough time at work or at home sometimes, but if it is causing you mental health problems then I think it's fair to say that you are struggling more than the average person. And there may well be a reason for it.

Do you think you will go for an assessment?

Oops, I cross posted.

Isn't this just LIFE?

I used to think so, and everyone else used to tell me so. Luckily I found some support in the end and I was bloody relieved to be told; no, this is not life, you have Asperger's.

It could be that you just have depression or anxiety, but if this has persisted your whole life then there's a chance it could be something else. If it is ADHD then there's medication that can help. Some people with ASD are on meds to help with anxiety, but it doesn't always help.

What digestive problems have you had? They are pretty common in people with ASD. As is a visual memory.

Oh, thanks for talking to me! Yes, its just such a mystery. And Then I think like Impulsive, surely this is just life. But I seem to react So strangely to it sometimes. Have worked as a substitute teacher for teenagers. Some commented it was hard to distnguish me From the pupils. Im 35... It was My behaviour. Think the pupils also round it Odd I was a grown up. On a darker note, My stupid ex called me å child-woman.

My calm pill seems to be My New partner. It tones down all the background noise to be with him. My previous partner Said I always brought stress and trouble, but all I wanted to do was calm down. He was abusive and drinking heavily though, So not the best point of referance.
Funny thing, before I had My daughter I never thought about autism because I thought that meant severe handicap. I did look into ADD, and that fitted quite well too. It has to be Said that I got a lot better after My ex was arrested and not allowed home, but I felt soSo at home reading about ASD I actually cried with relief when I read Tania Marshalls list.
Anyway, I ramble on. Just got So excited about talking to people who have similar concerns.

EauRouge I have thought about it a few times. I have just booked DS2 to see a private person for assessment in September. I might see what turns up there with him. I guess I'd have to find someone who looks at adult ADHD. I am fairly sure I am not on the ASD scale but then I am not the expert. I can be hysterically social and over conscious of the social rules sometimes. I think I am pretty aware of what others are thinking and feeling much of the time, although I can be relentlessly self centred too!

In relation to the digestive issues, I have had what was called IBS most of my life, and DS2, the one who is having problems, also has very dodgy bowels.

The trouble i had when in work was i'd get so bogged down in making something absolutely perfect, i'd completely miss small but important things and fuck them up. So i'd resort the entire filing system making sure every file was not only in the right place but had the right stuff in it, and end up missing that i hadnt recieved a timesheet for one person so then there was a panic to sort that out at the last minute or they wouldnt get paid.

I do really struggle on the phone. I cant answer it at all unless its someone i know, but even then they complain that it is impossible to have a conversation with me as it all goes one way. I dont call or text anyone myself, only reply. I actually used to cope okay on the phone in work though as it was just a 'script'.

My dh scores highly on asd and adhd online tests but wont get assessed as he pretty much copes, everyone just accepts that he is weird (he will go for days where the only thing he talks about is his special interests). He is the only person i can be truely comfortable with :)

Sorry, I kind of slipped away from this thread and didn't really answer my own questions .

Going back to that though, like a lot of people with ASD I have always struggled with making friends. I've only really had a couple throughout my life and they all tend to be male for some reason. I've only really ever had one female friend. I don't set out for it to be that way, it just kind of happens iyswim. Right now I only really have two friends and they are both men.

I feel kind of sad about that sometimes because whilst I do appreciate having those friends I just wish I had more female friends. I don't think being friends with men is the same thing as being friends with women if you get me.

I've read online before that it isn't unheard of for women with ASD to have mostly male friends.

Also regarding the memory thing, I've always had a good memory. I don't even have to try and remember things, they just stick. Academically I think this helps with passing exams but I still don't quite feel like I know much.

Anything I learn about things I'm obsessed with though just sticks.

I know what you mean Toads about women friends and the knowing of things you're obsessed with. I'm struggling because I am quite geeky and there don't seem to be many other SAHMs in my area who are or if there are, I can't get through the small talk you have to make to find out. I wish I could wear a T-Shirt that sort of spells it out. 'Hi, I'm ISaySteadyOn and I like tabletop RPGs, computer games, steam trains, aeroplanes and science fiction/fantasy. If you do too, come talk to me'

I love your username btw, that show was one of my obsessions when I was in secondary school and I used to watch it every Sunday and write down funny lines from each episode. It was a ritual for me almost.

Hi all. Just catching up with the thread which has been extremely busy. Lovely to see so many new people. I hope you can get the support and comfort here which is so difficult to find in RL.

I too am an aeroplane lover. Particularly the ginormous ones. If anyone else is interested - on Youtube you can watch take offs and landings of the Antonov 225 which is the biggest aircraft. I get quite emotional seeing it.

I love going to docks too and seeing large liners/ships.

I have had a lifelong obsession too with electrical gadgets from the fifties, sixties etc. Something about the heaviness, solidity and large dials and buttons. This started when I was tiny. At one time I wanted to buy every make and model of old radios etc. Only limited space was a curb to my desires!

My favourite programmes are AirCrash Investigation, Wheeler Dealers, Car SOS, How its Made, the documentaries on National Geo. Much as I love nature programmes, seeing prey being caught by their predators upsets me too much. I know that logically it is nature but cannot help identifying with the fear of the animals and immense sadness. Crazy but true.

I am very fascinated by the thought of escaped exotic cats living wild in the British countryside.
I spend a lot of time rescuing spiders, flies trapped against windows and all manner of insects! Seeing ants in a house troubles me greatly as I know they have to be dealt with.

I doubt if this all sounds mad to you Aspimates but if it does I do apologise.:)

I am very fascinated by the thought of escaped exotic cats living wild in the British countryside.

OMG, me too! I am cynical about most things, but I love all those sort of stories, even the ones I think are total bobbins. I started a thread about ABCs in the unexplained topic if you want a read here. One of my friends reckons she has seen one and posted a photo on FB of a pawprint, but it was just a dog. Gutted. DH thinks he has seen one. I have never seen one so I'm undecided for now.

Most of my interests involve things that are alive but don't talk back (gardening, aquarium fish, dogs, cats, wildlife- all animals, really), and I feel the same way seeing an animal in pain.

I also like F1. I think this is more to do with the stats and strategies than the technology. I love lists of things.

Hi Eau Thanks for the link. I shall enjoy reading that. Why oh why cant I see a puma strolling out one night (though I must be in the car!). ;)

The noise of F1 and the whine off the cars hurts my ears unfortunately.

Am trying to read all of thread and catch uop. Yy to the wild car thing! I love whales, and love the thought of mermaids. It is far fetched, Im aware of that, but Then lately Lots of extinct hominids have been discovered that coexisted with homo sapiens up until...we skled Then out. Why not a marine hominid, If we did diverge 7-8 million heard ago? Anyway, wishful thinking is allowed I hope :)
I love steam trains, and rocks.(geology and earth science) Today I went to a really cool place with Lots of conglomerate, in fact the full island lovely stripes of quartzrunning through.
I get all carried away, was a Fab day out though!

I. Wild CAT, not car. that we wiped out the other hominids. My phone hasAutocorrect. For two languages, and its a pita in both!

Oooh, mermaids. I still sort of want to be one.

Which steam trains do those who like them like best? I like the Gresley A4s, so sleek and glamorous.

I'm not especially a train fan, but if you like trains, check out the national railway museum in York. It's free to enter, but parking is something like £8 (you could park elsewhere and walk, but at least the car park fee goes to the museum). We spent 4 hours there, and that was doing things at DD's pace (ie running from one thing to another and not actually stopping to read anything). If you stopped to read all the displays, I think you could easily be there from open to close.

I have many 'minor' interests, such as wildlife. If I start a new hobby then it tends to become an obsession for a short time, eg I tried knitting and couldn't stop until I had finished a whole jumper. As a child I was always with my head in a book. Like many on here, I was more interested in building/setting up games than actually playing. I loved Lego but once I made a model it sat on my shelf till I decided to take it apart and make something different.

Anyway, my most enduring obsession is with my health, and Internet forums. I guess it started at uni when I started studying the brain, and evolved through Crohn's disease and a forum I was heavily involved with, to all the other diagnoses (some temporary, some chronic illnesses) I have received over the years. I go to my hospital appointments and I'm frequently better informed than the consultants. It's evolving again into a more general Internet forum obsession- I have a better social life on here than I do in real life.

I have been in the same job for quite a while now (getting on for 10 years). When I first started, I found it very hard to settle in, but over the years I think people have got used to me and even make allowances to a certain extent. I have a reputation now for being very hard working which helps. I have had a couple of meltdowns at work in the past, but they tend to take the form of extreme crying, which for a female is fairly easily explained by a combination of PMT and depression. I decided to tell my boss for the legal protection, just in case there are any complaints about me (I'm sure there was when I first started work there, and again by new members of staff over the years), but I haven't asked for any accommodations, the people I directly work with accommodate me already!

I'm very similar with minor obsessions chronically, especially the last couple of years. It took me a while to see what was happening. Activities and possible ME treatments for me. My mind can buzz with something almost completely for a couple of days, or longer, then it no longer bothers me either because something else has come along or because my interest has just switched off!

Also, if I'm going to buy something I have to check out every little detail, am I certain it's the one I want, certain i can't get it cheaper on another website. Often now my energy has run out before I actually get around to making the final decision and completing the purchase! With some big things I don't buy them until they come around into my head a second time, days, weeks or months later, as I know I'll initially be obsessively interested in getting oe doing something and it's better to wait and see if I actually ever think about it again once the initial interest has waned!

With kids I never find time to know the names of the trains, but I loved the miniature ones the most. They have a fantastic track in Warwickshire, not far from alcester by Ragley Hall. We took the steamtrain in Norfolk, from Holt to Sheringham and that was good too. O love the sea, and after years of being Inland I'm finally Back On an island. Interesting geology too:) I joked that my daughter is a mermaid as She loves the sea, and So does my oldest. We spend hours On beaches (but leave If other people come) and also On walks.
Like me She loves forests too, just being outdoors where all the other people have sodded pdf and left us some space! :)
But yes, I would love for there to be mermaids. The wild cat thing is not too far fetched. They are nocturnal, and with all the private land in the UK, there could be space for some.. did not see mermaids today though, but Lots of seabirds, sheep and shrimps! To me, being out in Green Fields/empty beach/wilderness is just Essentials. I lived in cities for Many years and it was very depressing. I felt like a caged animal, and probably behaved accordingly.
Im glad to read about those of you who stat employed. I hope to get a job after the degree, and already dread the contact with the nutso public that will entail. Social manouvering is a mystery to me. My New partner is doing lots of it, cause he likes it and also for networking for His job. He knows I get a bit worked up about it, but I did Go with him once. I have managed to dodge other parties So far!