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Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

999 replies

EauRouge · 18/02/2015 09:12

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete Grin

Please come and join in!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
CrohnicallyInflexible · 01/05/2015 06:50

Thanks for that amber I was mainly looking at ICD-10 because that still has Asperger's syndrome as a separate category.

BatFoxHippo · 01/05/2015 19:41

Hope the trip is going ok Eau. Yes I know what you mean about the Guide to Aspergers Attwood book, its very 'they are like this and that. Don't worry if you find it hard to understand as you are NT'. But I still found it useful as I am still at the stage of looking for confirmation of symptoms. The Guide to Life on Earth is different as it is addressed to adult Aspies. I've only read a couple of chapters but its really interesting hearing about different people's experiences and coping strategies for different situations.

I think "if X happened how would that change things" is standard therapist speak, along with "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" . Mind you you it must be very hard to comprehend an entire lifetime of self hatred and doubt if you haven't experienced it.

Hope everyone has a relaxing weekend.

BatFoxHippo · 02/05/2015 01:17

Is anyone else finding the General Election really stressful? I hate the uncertainty of it all and people being horrible and/or dishonest.

ALittleFaith · 02/05/2015 07:49

Oh yes I am BatFoxHippo. I work in the NHS so my work could change radically with a change in Government.

It's interesting about the sensory issues. This is one of my biggest issues - I hate unexpected touch, noise can upset me, I'm sensitive to temperature. However in my assessment form it didn't fit in any of the boxes. I added it in the 'anything else you think is relevant'.

EauRouge · 03/05/2015 14:18

Just thought I'd do a quick update. I'm doig ok although im sure my gp gave me placebos because I took 4 or 5 pills on the plane and I just felt slightly bored. I survived (just) a trip into TO yesterday. Tooooo many people.

Poor DD1 isn't doing so well, she is wearing her noise cancelling headphones a lot and asks quite often to go somewhere quiet. there have been a lot of serious meltdowns over food but people here have been really understanding and helpful.

I watched The Imitation Game on the plane, Bendybatch really nailed ASD didn't he?

OP posts:
cherryblossomtime · 03/05/2015 21:26

Glad you're ok Eau and sorry your dd is not enjoying it as much. Hope she can find a peaceful spot to relax.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 04/05/2015 08:15

Hi guys!

Thanks to EAU FOR DIRECTING ME HERE, oops sorry for the captains!

I posted on a thread in mental health as I really struggle around people.

Any small bit of manipulation (which I can see so vividly), meanness etc upsets me SEVERELY...can't cope with any small conflict or criticism, I could go on...

At uni I used to go and eat my lunch in the toiletsSad, I just preferred being alone. I can have normal social interaction but it wears me out.

I love being in my routine at home looking after my family and animals. I'd stay here forever, never get bored as long as I had my books, and wifi!

I did the test from the link at the top and scored

fredfredsausagehead1 · 04/05/2015 08:17

130 aspie
109 normal

It makes me think maybe I am normal just introverted, however, some of the questions I was nearly crying because I was thinking that's ME!!!!

fredfredsausagehead1 · 04/05/2015 08:19

Oh and the lazy thing!!!

I am the least lazy person you would ever meet, run 30-40 miles a week (obsessive, panic when I don't reach that number, agitationHmm) I've suffered eating disorders and self harm...

BUT just can't seem to manage the house, clothes, or stick to anything or focus. Time just drifts away...Confused

ALittleFaith · 04/05/2015 11:07

Hello fredfred. I relate to all you've said. Life is exhausting and overwhelming. I wonder how other people do it. I've always been the same- if I'm interested in something I'll commit to it totally, really focused. Stuff I'm not that bothered about gets little effort.

On a more cheerful note, happy bank holiday. I hope you all have sunshine too.

Allofaflumble · 04/05/2015 12:14

Hi fredfred and welcome. I relate too to all you say. I feel as if I live in chaos. I barely know what month it is, let alone the date. Birthdays come and go and I am the one who always forgets to send a card. My family never expect a card from me.

Constantly looking for things and wandering around. I have always been like this. Can never find the time to groom even if I wanted to!

I am so occupied in my head that it is difficult to relate to the world around me. I definitely put on a mask each morning.

Saturday I spent in bed watching Youtube vids about weird and wonderful stuff.

Working today. Enjoy the BH everyone. :)

fredfredsausagehead1 · 04/05/2015 12:21

I also feel so occupied in my head I can't relate to the world around me. A few people have said to me that I expect them to be a mind reader! I think and obsessively over one certain person and create conversations, then I am surprised when they don't know what I'm talking about Grin insane eh?

I also wander around! I'm so glad others can relate.

I've spent the morning de nitting dd and cleaning all the animals out, need a rest now before I sweep all the mess I have made, I probably won't do it.

I am very fortune my DH loves me and is very industrious. I genuinely do not know how he organises and tidies because I look at everything and I just cannot process what needs to be done. If somebody wrote a precise list of instructions I MIGHT start, probably wouldn't finish though I have a fear of finishing

cherryblossomtime · 04/05/2015 14:19

Hi fred expecting people to know what you are thinking is an autistic trait, funnily enough its the opposite of the other autistic problem of not knowing what others are thinking. I am not so bad in this area myself but I really relate to the disorganisation. I do keep lists and I find that helpful when I remember to do it. I am quite bad on losing things or forgetting to do things. I always think I am getting better about this then will do something stupid like leaving the front door unlocked all night. That blog musings of an aspie, linked above, I was reading her posts about executive function which are really interesting and explain a lot of these problems are caused by impaired executive function.

CatOfTheWoods · 04/05/2015 14:35

Hi, can I join you. I have just started a thread and Poltergoose has kindly directed me here (I did a search to try to find the most appropriate topic, but managed to miss this thread!)

My thread is here Or I could cut and paste what I wrote here if that's more sensible?

Basically I am newly diagnosed with ASD and I wasn't really expecting it. I've read some books and websites which have been helpful, but the general feeling people seem to have is relief and positivity about ASD, whereas I've been quite shocked and upset to realise it (though I hope I will come round to seeing the positive side!)

Like you SoundingBored I've been crying a lot.

cherryblossomtime · 04/05/2015 14:36

I often get low autistic score on these tests, even though I am aware of so many autistic traits in myself. I am sure if you told people from school I was autistic they wouldn't have been surprised as I was so weird back then! But I think i believe i am a lot more social than i really am, otherwise i would not stay home all the time except family outings and have some close friends and maybe have done better in my career/worklife. But i feel that i like people and enjoy socialising and get on well with people. Another one is I really like children but parenting is a struggle, I really fail at enforcing boundaries and setting some sensible rules e.g bedtime.

cherryblossomtime · 04/05/2015 15:17

Hi catofthewoods I love your username btw! I am not surprised you are shocked by the diagnosis. I am sort of self diagnosing because of all I have learned over quite a few years about my relatives with ASD, but sometimes I just wonder if I am making it up. In one way its good to have a diagnosis because it explains problems you are having with things, but in another it is bad because there is no cure and self help techniques may not help. I think its something you have to work through, like just coming to terms with the fact that you are disabled in this way and setting aside some of the (unrealistic) hopes you had for the future, and maybe coming up with new more doable ideas. I know this is easier said than done, I have some friends with physical health problems who have been through this, realising all they wanted to do may not be possible now and it is very hard.

cherryblossomtime · 04/05/2015 15:38

I know I said a little earlier I dont have friends and then just talked about my friends! These were my online friends from a health support forum.
Something i have been doing is to try and not discount these sort of friends, it is a different sort of connection but they are still people i like and can chat to.

CatOfTheWoods · 04/05/2015 15:43

Thanks so much cherry

I think that's right, it's a process of coming to terms with it, accepting this about myself and being realistic.

I think my whole life I've tried so hard to hit home a 100% performance on everything I do. Straight As, first-class degree, high-status career – I got my validation by doing well and being a perfectionist. I can look back now and see that as perhaps one aspect of ASD – black and white thinking, if I can't do something perfectly then why bother with it.

It's always driven me mad that I've obviously found social situations and norms so confusing and difficult, and my approach has been "I WILL get better at this, I will work it out one day". To be fair to myself, that effort has helped and I have improved. I'm a lot more socially acceptable that I was 20 years ago, though I still mess up (and as many others have said, I've set up my life and career to help me simply avoid the stuff I want to avoid, for example by being home-based).

But the diagnosis has given me a kind of cognitive dissonance because I just don't want to accept I'm just not very good at something and no amount of hard work and effort will change that. I know I need to accept myself and it will even be a relief. i can get glimpses of that. But I also really feel like a failure. I know that's an awful thing to say and I don't mean to say that about anyone else here. It's just very hard to have to let go of the "I will achieve 100%" drive. It's what has got me through my life so far.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 04/05/2015 15:59

Hi cherry blossom,

I feel the same as you a lot of the time, don't attempt things for fear of failure, beating myself up over not being able to deal with people.

I am also incapable of bedtimes! So strange I thought it was me. I can't even describe or explain whyBlush

CatOfTheWoods · 04/05/2015 16:16

I also struggle with bedtimes. My partner generally does it in our house and it's such a relief!

I can't stand things that are open-ended and you don't know how long they're going to go on. I could handle bedtime if you just went through the routine and tucked them up and that was it... it's the carry-on and the fact that they try to spin it out and mess around, and I can't predict when it will be over.

I'm like this with other people being indecisive too. I can actually handle change and spontaneity, as long as something, anything, is definitely going to happen. What I can't handle is people just standing around dithering and failing to make a decision. My worst meltdowns / shutdowns (now I can look back and see them as that) have been over this. I've been known to storm off in tears because I just can't handle the open-endedness of everyone standing around going "um... err... shall we do this or that" and not getting anywhere.

Ineedmorepatience · 04/05/2015 17:12

Hi to all the new people Smile

I am self diagnosed and when I get Dd3 who has Asd sorted out one day, I might go and get a formal dx! Maybe Wink

Mollyweasley · 04/05/2015 18:50

Hi catOfthewood, I know what you are saying. when I realised I had ASD, it felt really odd, like there was a whole part of the world that I was not a part of. Then I realised that the whole thing is a matter of perception. No 2 people sees the world in the same way. the difference between the way we see it and the way Typical people see it is so drastic that we end up behaving in a completely different way, and because we are a minority it ends up feeling like we don't fit in/can't do social thing. Try and spend a long time looking at your strengths. To often a diagnosis points out to our difficulties but there are a lot of great thing about being on the spectrum. I feel I have access to a world that typical people can not access, I love that world and I wouldn't trade it for being more socially apt….and number 1 priority be kind to yourself Smile

CatOfTheWoods · 04/05/2015 19:15

Thanks Molly that's what I need to hear :)

I have already found it is a bit easier to forgive myself about the things I really can't manage, and to let myself opt out of them. Instead of forcing myself to make phone calls and almost collapsing from stress, it's now easier to accept it's just not me and tell people I'd rather email (using an excuse like having the kids around if necessary) – for example.

LeChien · 04/05/2015 19:28

I've been reading this all week, and thought I'd name change and post. (Name change as someone in RL knows my posting name and I don't want them to see this)
I think I have asd. My ds is being assessed for asd and things have been ringing bells for the last year.
I read a checklist on a blog last weekend and it was a real lightbulb moment and explains so much. On another quiz I scored 141 AS 70 NT (can't remember the name of it), but I also score high on the AQ test and the raads-r, despite the weird questions!
I feel relieved that there's a reason that I'm crap at socialising and organising stuff, and it's not that I'm an awful person or lazy, but I'm quite confused as well, that it's taken this long (I'm nearing 40).
If I go out, I feel quite uneasy and anxious about it, and afterwards need to have some quiet time as my ears feel like they're ringing.
If a topic of interest comes up, I can hear myself drone on about it, but I can't stop myself.
It's affecting how I am dealing with ds's assessment and I can't move beyond a couple of negative details, they play on my mind constantly.
I don't know if I want to go down a formal diagnosis route. Part of me wants to, as I don't think a self diagnosis would sit comfortably, and no-one in my life would take it seriously or understand, but my area is awful for asd, so if I did it would have to be private. I don't know if it would be worth talking to my gp about it anyway.
I talked to dh about it last weekend, he agreed that I do have some funny ways, but says it doesn't matter, but it does to me. So many memories for me are things that I struggled with for no reason, I barely talked in my first year of school, I was my twin sister's monkey and had a monkey voice. I was over dependent on her throughout primary. Secondary was awful. I was part of a gang of misfits, but can't say I had a friend at all. I was bullied throughout because I was a fat loner. Work was a constant struggle, I couldn't organise myself at all.
Wearing some clothes felt awful but I put up with it, I can remember a red silk shirt with ruffles down the front that I wore on special occasions. It still makes me shudder to remember the feel of it. I never brush my hair, ever. I wear awful clothes (as dd tells me) but I don't care, they're comfortable.
I struggle to go to certain places, sometimes it's all too much and I can't do it.
We always bought chicken feed from a certain farm. I knew I could go and get a month's supply, ring up, pick it up and leave the money in an envelope. Managed this for years fine. Then they ran out. I now go to a farm that's nearer, so easier I suppose, but I can only get a week's supply at a time, and find the farmer to pay. I spend the whole week stressing about having to go again.

Toooldforthat · 04/05/2015 19:37

Hi everyone, I am in my forties and very likely have Aspergers. 10 yo DD is being assessed for it now and all the readings around it made me realised that I have it too. Now, how about oxytocin? Anyone tried it? If so what dose? What form? Is it available in this country without prescription? I found lots of advice on melatonin but hardly any on oxytocin. Thanks!