Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

[OxfordBags]

Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

Don't get me started on the crane fly monologues! My 3yo DS won't shut up about them. "Do you remember, Mammy, when we saw the crane fly on my slide and it flew away and then we saw another one in the spider's web and it was hanging while we were eating dinner and then we saw..." Argh! I hate crane flies!

Does anyone have any good book recommendations for women with Aspergers? I've been looking on Amazon but most of them seem to either be very scientific which I'll enjoy reading but struggle to relate to myself or rather too personal to the author which I'll also struggle to relate to because they're not struggling with exactly the same things as I do. I'd quite like some recommendations before I go out & buy every book out there!

Spirited, I identify with almost all of what you have said about yourself (apart from the driving). I hadn't even considered the fact that I read, re-read and then happily read again, all the Terry Pratchett books as a symptom.

I have always read because it stops my head getting noisy (that's what I used to say as a child). Reading, writing and nature were/are my favourite things.

spirited I very much enjoyed your post. It was like a good book! I identify with virtually everything you wrote. Polter that was another reason I got my diagnosis the way I did. Apart from my son, no one really knows me. My mother has passed on and would have no truck with MH issues. I am as certain as can be a that she was ashamed and embarrassed by my behaviors. It was considered weak by her generation.

PS. I read and re read books all the time. I very often took on the characters and lived them. Some of the things they did or said did not go down too well in my real life!

liverpoollou could your dh approach the man to find out why he is so bothered by the apples? Hope you sort it out. I know how these things trigger off repetitive thinking about them.

I'm finding the thread very helpful. I would prefer that it didn't go poof yet.

Books: this is what I do too! I read and re-read Terry Pratchett. Each time I find I am following the plot more thoroughly and spotting more of the humour.

Twinkle :o

Glad I'm not the only one! I get stuck on one author, read everything by them and then if I can't find something new to fixate on, good old Pratchett gets pulled out again.

I always enjoy reading them and never feel bored by the re-reading.

I'm having cold feet. I was discussing with my dh who would be my "person who knew me in childhood", and the only real option is DM. She will play everything down, partly because she "doesn't want a fuss", partly because I don't think she took in much of what I was like as a child, just tried to force me into situations like everyone else, and partly because I really don't want her knowing I'm trying to get a diagnosis. She's very much of the school of thought that whilst a diagnosis is to be respected and accepted, trying to get one is silly and wasting people's time (when they could be helping someone more deserving). I'm probably worrying for nothing. I haven't even discussed that I think I might have aspergers with her.

I'm sure the psychologists must regularly deal with parents who are in denial. After all if the adult does have ASD, then surely their parent has in some way let them down if they didn't recognise it as a child.

I really don't want to have to have the conversation. I already have a nagging doubt that I'm wasting resources and time and shouldn't be pursuing this.

I'm in a similar situation. My (now elderly) mother would react very negatively to giving this type of support/information. Another stick to beat me with! I also suspect that she may have autistic traits herself, but my partner thinks it is just 'simple' narcissism.

I think, as this whole pool of undiagnosed adults is emerging, the situation must be becoming common for psychologists.

How do we go about keeping the thread?

chris i know what you mean, but you can start the process and see if you need/ want your mum involved near the time. You are always allowed to stop the process anytime you want anyway.

Twinkle, it's difficult, isn't it? My dm is a nice person, just very, very different to me.

Molly, thank you. I should keep telling myself that. Just because I have started the process, doesn't mean I'm under its control. Am I stupid for worrying about having the request on my medical records? I know I am. I worry it could be used against me at some point.

@Mollyweasley

How do we go about keeping the thread?

Hi there
We've moved it out of chat for now -
Thanks
MNHQ

Thanks Olivia!

I've found this thread very helpful too. Particularly because I read the whole thing so the lovely Batman's journey/experience is chronicled here.

I'm not sure about my childhood 'witness'. I love my Dad but he worked a lot, my Mum ran the show (and she could be very tempestuous and he enabled that) and his memory isn't great. Twinkle I think my Mum had some narcissistic traits too. My mum died 7 years ago. Would my sister be able to? I do think in sone ways even a dismissive parent could, by the way they recollect things, shed some light on your childhood, regardless of how they actually feel.

I did something today that might seem a bit odd (or maybe aspie?!). There's a group of women who walk in my village each week. I've seen them and mentioned joining them. Today I took DD in our sling and went. Most of them have a good 30 years on me but I really enjoyed it! Fresh air for us too. It was good to get out so I'll think do it again :)

Chris was it you saying Why me?. It's strange, I've said that all my life....Why was I bullied? Why am I so clumsy? Why can't I make friends? I'm finding more peace with things now that I suspect I might be an aspie....maybe in time you'll get that too?

I've missed a load of posts - will try to catch up later, but I wanted to ask now.

I don't have a diagnosis but am interested in learning some of the ways of doing everyday stuff which are useful/work better for people with ASD (or ADHD/ADD if you know any). I feel like I don't need a diagnosis to know that there's something different about me and the normal ways of dealing with everyday basic life stuff (cleaning, housework, organisation, hygiene) are not working very well for me, so I want to try some alternatives.

Can anybody recommend anything? A book, a website, personal anecdotes?

Bertie it depends on what the specific problem is with each of the everyday things, is it motivation to do it, remembering what you've done and what you haven't, or the ability to do the tasks?

First and second, not ability really, just memory and motivation. I said on another thread, I have real problems committing behaviours to habit, so it's like I constantly have to think about and assess whether I need to do everyday things like showering, brushing teeth, spending time with DS, cleaning up. And with so much stuff to think about invariably I forget some, most, or all of the things I need to do - the one off, urgent need-to-do things come under the same memory category and that category of my memory doesn't have enough space in it. I forget the everyday things and the one off things, the things which are important to me and the things I don't like, the things I was looking forward to and the things I had grand plans to prepare for.

I can't relax because I'm always feeling like there's something I've forgotten to do, but obviously everybody needs to relax so as I'm so used to the feeling of having something I need to do, after certain triggers (DH coming home, DS going to bed, one or two specific things being done) I assume everything is done and relax anyway. And then later realise I've forgotten something and feel panicky and shit and useless all over again.

You could do with a system of sorting out the "important" daily things, and putting them at the TOP of a list that's posted somewhere you'll see it a lot.

I have a system where everyday things are in a "red" section, and things i should do but don't need to do are in a Green and orange section of a note-board.

It helps to have things ordered by SCALE of importance.

I also went through a patch of listing everything i ate and when i ate it, because i was picking stuff all day and forgetting I'd eaten.