Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

[OxfordBags]

Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

Bertie are you me? I'm awful at remembering to do things and when I do remember it's while I'm doing something else like watching TV or MNing & I'll have forgotten again by the time I'm ready to do it. Doesn't matter if it's cleaning my teeth or baking a new recipe I was so excited about I bought all the ingredients for, it just doesn't seem to happen. It's so frustrating but short of having a pen in my pocket & writing a to-do list on my arm which I'd still forget to look at I'm not sure what to do about it. At least having pen all over my arm might remind me to shower regularly!

Yes! I do exactly that too AGnu. Remember something I need to do when I can in no way possibly do it immediately. And then forget by the time I am able to.

Jason I have tried lists and I either forget to put stuff on the lists or forget to look at the list. Even if it's in a prominent place, it becomes furniture, or it becomes outdated and then I start to ignore it.

I haven't tried colour coding though.

Jason I have tried lists and I either forget to put stuff on the lists or forget to look at the list. Even if it's in a prominent place, it becomes furniture, or it becomes outdated and then I start to ignore it.

That is why you need to move it around every month or so, REALLY important stuff should go on your phone calendar.

I feel like this too! I did find the 'fly lady' stuff quite helpful. I often do a 15 minute tidy that makes the house look better. I would like something to organise everything though. I admit we have a cleaner fornightly because I couldn't cope. She does the thorough clean of the rooms so I have time to do stuff like clean the fridge out.

But then doesn't it just become another thing to remember to do, to move the list? Phone calendar is a no go too. It's such a faff to put things into it that I don't bother. When the alarm goes off there's no way to snooze it, so if I don't do it immediately then I forget about it. I inevitably look at the alarm, think "Oh shit, yes, I must do that!" and then immediately get distracted by something else.

But the main reason I don't use it is because I don't know where my phone is half the time and when I do, it's out of battery because the battery life is so shit. I love having a smartphone but I do wish the battery would last a full day.

Sorry - I know I'm sounding so, so totally defeatist here. It's just that I have tried every single "normal person" method of organisation and not one of them has ever worked for me.

DH keeps on top of the house and reminds me to do stuff but has a tendency to get pissed off about having to remind me which makes me feel quite sad. And then if I forget something I've started hiding it from him and trying to sort it out alone which usually makes it worse but I'm so sick of explaining that I've messed up again. He's reasonable, it's not like he's horrible or anything, but I'm not making reasonably expected mistakes and he tolerates so much - I dropped €25 we don't have spare at the moment the other day on a train and he's not said a word about it.

It's just that I have tried every single "normal person" method of organisation

But have you been told them by someone who isn't normal?

And yes, very defeatist.

Doing things the 'normal' way doesn't work when you have AS and feeling like you have to do it the 'normal' way will be a barrier to doing it all. You have to accept that you are different and that what works for you is the best way to do it, even if that isn't normal (providing it's not something that upsets anyone else or gets you arrested).

For example, in my head the normal thing to do is shower in mornings. I battled with this for years because my ability to function doesn't wake up at the same time as me. So I wouldn't shower for days on end because it was always too late. Now I've come to terms with being different and allow myself to shower when it's best for me. So I get up, faff around for a few hours, take DS to nursery, come home and faff some more and have a shower in the middle of the day when I feel able. It works for me.

I would say though that getting formally diagnosed was the tipping point for me. I know it shouldn't really make a difference, but it does. I knew what the assessment would say before I did it, but even so, having it in black and white was like permission to stop trying to be something I would never be. It doesn't make any sense but that's how it is.

you might want to bear in mind that the organisation required when single and living at home is very different to running a home and family yourself.

Which is why i don't do it.

My special interest is the TV. I go through the TV Times and have a whole ritual to make sure I don't miss anything I want to watch. I found that I was much more able to deal with chores when I got myself a mini laptop which I can carry from room to room with me. Again I don't think this is normal behaviour but it works for me and these days I don't care if other people think this kind of thing is weird.

LiverpoolLou can i ask why you thought it mattered in the first place?
I don't understand how people can force themselves to go against every grain in their body, when doing what makes them happy hurts no one.

That's nice for you Jason. I wish I'd had the forethought to live for a bit longer as an independent adult before I had a child but I didn't, it's a bit late now.

I didn't understand this: "But have you been told them by someone who isn't normal?"

I like that story about having a shower in the middle of the day. I have (spurious to anybody else, probably) reasons why I can't have a shower in the morning or at night so I just go without for days until I have one in the middle of the day because I just have to do it now, or I'll have one at night/in the morning/just before I rush out and then feel extremely uncomfortable and/or irritated. I should try doing it when DS goes to bed, that would be a good time.

I know that I sound defeatist. But to my mind defeatist is a person who says "Oh but that won't work, I know it won't work, because " and doesn't even try anything. I'm saying that I have tried these ideas, and they don't work for me. Anything which requires a lot of input doesn't work for me. Anything which relies on me remembering to engage with it doesn't work because my problem is remembering!

I will try the colour coding. That's not something I've tried before. I always try to separate out the "everyday" from the "one off" jobs so perhaps it will help to have them in together.

I didn't understand this: "But have you been told them by someone who isn't normal?"

This was an attempt at a joke, you've done all the things normal people do, but have you been told them by someone who isn't normal...

That's nice for you Jason. I wish I'd had the forethought to live for a bit longer as an independent adult before I had a child but I didn't, it's a bit late now.

I'm sorry if that offended you, but it wasn't a reply to one of your posts so I'm not sure why it would.

I wasn't offended.

okay good, again sorry if I have. I don't know what has been suggested to you in the past and I'm not sure how much of what I do from day to day is actually normal. But it's something that clicked with me.

Sorry - I didn't mean to be so blunt, was just juggling a few things at once. Next time I'll wait and post afterwards :)

Lou I understand you! My whole life has been dictated by my Mum....I have come to realise recently that she was (I do think well-meaning!) but quite controlling of us, aiming for perfection. Of course I'm by no means perfect. One example is showering - my Mum expected us to shower in the morning because she did. We weren't clean if we didn't. So I did, until I was about 25! I started working shifts and preferred to shower in the evenings. It went against the grain for a long time but it suits me better (I have a quick freshen up in the morning!). One of my obsessions is storage. I have a belief that if only I had enough/the right storage my house would be tidy all the time! not with DH and DD around it wouldn't! I don't regret marrying DH and having DD, I feel more fulfilled now as a wife and mother, but I do find it difficult to live in a chaotic environment.

Haha, you need to read that Marie Kondo book that everyone is obsessed with on here at the moment. She talks about this storage myth, that if only you have the right storage everything will be alright.

I am doing the book but slow going because I find I need to be totally alone and unbothered by DH, DS when I'm doing the discarding and sorting.

I managed to declutter one area today, I feel like it has soothed an irritation! We have a sofa that splits, all kinds of crap falls down the middle (found the tv remote too!). Stuff had just piled up in between and behind the sofa. No-one else would notice (not even DH has commented!) but I feel so much better knowing it's done.

I was just telling DH yesterday that we should get a few more cupboards around the house & keep adding storage until we didn't fill it up within 24 hours & then our house would be tidy...

I have a completely impractical solution to my inability to remember to do things - I shall win the lottery & hire someone to be my nanny, but for me, not the DC! I will pay someone to supervise me all the time that DH is out. They can be in charge of my to-do list & remind me constantly what I should be doing. Even if I had the money this would be unworkable - I'd be too exhausted from just being around someone else for all that time to actually have the will to do anything!

I love this thread. I only realised a few months ago that I probably have Aspergers & reading that other people struggle with the same things suddenly makes it feel ok that I do. As Lou said, "permission to stop trying to be something I would never be" - that's exactly how I'm starting to feel about it. Having spent 28 years feeling different it's just so liberating to realise I might not be the same as lots of people but I'm not just lazy/weird/pathetic. I'm feeling like there's been a dark cloud over me all this time & I'm only really seeing it now it's starting to clear!

Signing in! Will go back and read in full a little later. AQ score of 41.

Sorry to come back to my earlier point but I clarified what I wanted to ask and realised that I perhaps didn't say it very well.

I see a lot of people on here and other threads saying that when they got diagnosed it helped because they could start working with themselves rather than against their true nature and things fell into place a bit.

I suppose I was hoping to do that but without the diagnosis part - is that stupid? I suppose I was hoping I could read a book or something and it would all fall into place or that there was a set guide to "AS coping strategies" or something like that. Even "How to help your child with AS/ADHD" since I never had any support with this kind of thing when I was younger. Is there? Or are people who say these things working through it with therapy?

Bertie, I understand what you're saying. I have requested an assessment no idea how long that will take?! but I realised this week I think I do feel better since I realised I may have ASD. I'm starting to understand how I tick better, looking at strategies to manage life better and being kinder to myself - less of the whole Why I hell am I so useless/like this? etc. I still need to do more reading to make bigger strides but just knowing it's a possibility has almost redefined my opinion of myself. Does that make sense?