Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

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Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

I'm finding with much that I read around that although I identify with a lot of the traits of ASD I don't identify with the struggling with empathy one or the rigidity/routine/etc at all which are quite often almost the "stereotypical" traits. And socially I feel fine most of the time - I've always thought of myself as a sociable person and I can chatter for hours - although looking through the link in the OP, I do identify with almost all of the points made there, I have often felt "outside" of friendship groups, like I am not quite welcome, or I don't quite "fit in", even one of my friends now says "You were weird at school" and often feel like I've made a big faux pas that I'm really not aware of. Okay maybe I do fit into the social criteria as well...

Overload makes sense. DH was saying the other day that he had an eye test at work and it was discovered that he doesn't see in 3D, the person doing the test said "You must be a very logical person who only focuses on what is important". (No, I don't know why they were discussing degree of logic in an eye test, either) - but I said that I think I tend to see everything, and then get overwhelmed by it which is why I try to hide by focusing solely on my computer so that I only have to deal with one thing at a time. Weird. I always try to see everyone's point of view at once which makes me rubbish at arguments.

Hi everyone :) I've been reading this thread over the last few days after one in chat catching my attention, and I can identify with most of what you all say! I've often got myself upset, wondering what is wrong with me when it appears I'm the outcast again. I've been described as being 'weird' 'a strange little thing' and 'odd'. I could go on forever about how I've always felt, but most of it has already been mentioned and I've just written a few pages that I'm planning to take to my GP - if I can summon up the courage to go :/

I've thought a couple of times over the last few years about the chance of having Aspergers, but when I first mentioned it to my husband, he told me that he thought he didn't, that I just had traits many other people have and not to label myself. I can't say that didn't hurt, but I let it go for fear of causing conflict and also because he may be right. I spoke to him about it again a few days ago after seeing the above mentioned thread and doing the RAADS test and scoring 181. This time he didn't dismiss me and when I told him how he'd done that before, he explained he was trying to protect me, because someone once told him they thought he had Aspergers (which he certaintly hasn't!) as way to hurt him and he didn't want me to feel upset about possibly having it. He says he can see many of the traits (has seen how stressed I get when he clatters the crockery when putting it away/ told me I come across as harsh or rude, or correct people all the time), but sees it as just being me. But I still get the feeling he's just humouring me at times. I'm not sure.

Our only arguments are due to communication, with me being (apparently) tactless and him asking me to be more careful about how I come across, especially in front of his (over sensitive) daughter, and me getting frustrated because I am ALREADY trying so hard, that it's impossible for me to be any more careful and the effort is so stressful. Maybe if I get a diagnoses it'll reinforce what I've been telling him and he'll understand me more? Luckily he sees my other quirks as endearing.

Also, do I bother informing work? I work in retail, just a sales assistant, but often get upset with customers cross any boundaries (how many feel it's ok to just come up behind me and grab my waist or put their arm around me to get my attention, eeeeeek!!), and takes a lot of effort to just smile politely and say nothing.

I'm also starting a college course (HND) in a few weeks, I had a phone call from the support team because I'd mentioned in my application I suffer with anxiety and they offered me support with that, which I've not followed up on yet, so I'll get more support if I get an Aspergers diagnoses?

Like others, I'm worried that I'll just get laughed at and given anti depressants again. What to do!

Aarrgh and now I've seen my typos and annoyed at myself!

he told me that he thought I* didn't

• diagnosis x2

I took the RAADS test and I get a total score of 95.

Bertie I wouldn't worry about the empathy thing. I feel I have far too much of it as I can often physically feel the pain of others. I think the "lack of empathy" theory refers to the fact that people with ASD can miss some of the social cues that would trigger an empathic response (this is what the test I took to measure my level of empathy was referring too).The people in my family who I suspect have ASD or have diagnosed ASD all show great level of empathy when they actually see or feel somebody's pain but some of them also have to "pretend that things are not happening" so that they do not have to endure the pain that would follow.
Sometimes the lack of empathy also comes from the fact that we can not "imagine what another person might be feeling", but I have issues with that too, because I think that we react to the world differently to people who are typical and they really do struggle to understand how we react to the world and therefore they struggle "to put themselves into our shoes" which is what people defines as a lack of empathy…..So to me they are also showing a lack of empathy! However just like people on the spectrum when typical people understand where people with autism are coming from, they can also show great empathy!
(I am a bit hung up on the whole lack of empathy thing! )

That's very interesting. It makes a lot more sense to me when you put it that way. I suppose it's like the logic thing - DH saying "X is logical because it is, everyone knows that" (OK he wasn't so condescending but you get the idea) and me saying "but it's not logical if you follow it right down, Y is logical." Where Y is not something that most people consider.

So it's like a person doesn't notice social cues which relate to feelings, and another person might say "God she's so callous, she must have no empathy" and not realise that they need feelings communicated in another way. I mean you wouldn't think that a blind person was unempathetic if they couldn't see someone crying or their facial expression etc. I remember one time when DS was little we went to a soft play centre and a friend of a friend was there who worked with children but didn't know him. She started swinging him around and upside down, and he was terrified, crying doing that shuddery thing. I ran up to her and she must have seen my face because she stopped and looked at him and was so upset and apologetic about it. She was deaf and had thought that he was laughing.

I wrote a blog post the other day about something I noticed DS doing - squashing down what he wanted in favour of what was expected, and on something that didn't really matter (choosing football over dancing) and it struck me that everyone is a square peg and I think we lose so much trying to fit into round holes... surely it makes sense to try and see everyone as an individual with their own quirks and ways of thinking, relating, communicating, understanding. Of course there are times when you need to be clear that both parties understand clearly what is going on but for the most part is it not helpful to try and work with people rather than trying to fit people into a mould which might not suit them? This all seems rather obvious and logical to me so it baffles me as to why nobody else seems to see that. But then often when I look at everything and make a decision which I think is the obvious and logical choice, it turns out I'm a very small minority and most people make a different (but similar to each other) choice in that situation which I can't even begin to understand.

This blog is interesting: www.aspiengirl.com/blog

One of the problems for some people with tests/diagnosis is that the research on which they were based has a male bias, and new thinking suggests that there is a gender difference in how HFA/Aspergers is manifest.

Bertie, I completely agree with you. I used to run into argument with DH too about this kind of things, and I have to say that the diagnosis has made a huge difference in that now DH is sympathetic rather than just assuming that I should know better. I think this is one of the things I find the most difficult with being on the spectrum, and it shows how differently wired up we are. I find it really impact on my confidence.
I absolutely agree with the analogy with blind or deaf people, and it is something that I have been thinking about for a while. It would be totally wrong and insulting to say that one of the symptoms of being blind or deaf is to show a lack of empathy! However people have been doing it for years to people with autism (and a lot of the people initially diagnosed could not even verbally explained things!): I don't think you can act on what you can't see, or can't hear, or can't relate to (sometimes we just don't know how to react either and we withdraw or laugh inappropriately but it is all part of the communication problem) and I really feel the whole thing should not be described in terms of lacking empathy: it is just to hurtful.

Bertie, where is your blog?
twickledust that is very true.

Well yes, especially when the ramifications of "lacking empathy" are so extreme, I mean the diagnosis of someone who literally lacks empathy is a psychopath!

I will PM you Molly because I have outed myself too much on here and I don't want my name linked to my blog. I don't update very often, though.

I find the male/female difference very interesting on a feminist basis, as well as a personal one. A lot of it seems to tie in very strongly with the idea that men and women are socialised differently.

The analogy of the square peg really reminds me of the left handed/right handed issue. People used to force left handed people to write with the right hand because it was seen as a bad thing to write with the left hand. Well the whole thing with people with autism "having to pretend" to be NT reminds me of this on a much larger scale. The trouble is that because of the very nature of autism it is very difficult for us to explain to people what it is like. Perhaps it is the increasing diagnosis of women that is going to help because we are naturally better at socialising/communicating.
Welcome Luna!

Just to say I agree PolterGoose about boys.

Also the gender bias in most areas of medical research has become more evident in recent times, for e.g. the differing presentation of heart attack symptoms between the sexes resulting in inappropriate response by medical staff.

Yes I remember reading about the heart attack thing, I was astonished.

Sorry- m and f present differently when they're having heart attacks? Or they react differently? Is that due to physiological differences, or learned behaviour-type differences?

Physiological.

e.g.www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17116820

Hello all. I saw the thread in chat a couple of weeks ago about this and someone mentioned this thread. I've been a bit thrown since but lots of this is ringing true for me. Since then I've been obsessively reading about it and doing tests. I got 39 on the EQ and 140 on the RAADS-R. Also identified as different, I was a loner really until senior school and always struggled to fit in. Too much to list I guess but include sensory/processing issues, diagnosed as dyslexic at 21, history of depression but as a consequence of chronic anxiety - I can 'cope' on meds but feel overwhelmed off them. I've mentioned it to DH and DSis who didn't dismiss it out of hand. Currently debating about whether to speak to GP about it.

Earlier in the thread someone mentioned bipolar too - I did a test for that and scored highly! Does anyone have both or can help to distinguish between the two please?

oh dear I'm gearing up to post thinking 'please like me! Please be nice to me!'

Hi Batman. I find the meds a double-edged sword. I cope but I'm numbed. I get less pleasure out of things along with less stress. I want to cope with life but I also want to enjoy things!

Argh DH has put the tv on 'for DD' (15 mo) who is playing instead, he is watching a video at the same time and it's like overload for me!