Live webchat with Fiona Millar, Tuesday 3rd March, 1-2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Fiona Millar will be visiting us at Mumsnet Towers for a live webchat on Tuesday 3rd March between 1 and 2pm. Her book The Secret World of the Working Mother: Juggling Work, Kids and Sanity will be out on Thursday 5th March. Fiona is a well-known journalist, educational campaigner and mother of three. If you can't join us on Tuesday, post your questions in advance on this thread.

[FionaMillar]

egyptianprincess have you made a formal application for flexibe working and did they respond in line with the legislation? City law firms seems to me to be really bad on this issue. YOu may be able to go to a tribunal if they have got the process wrong. The government should make it easier for requests for flexible work to be accetpted..

[FionaMillar]

pollycazalet teenagers think they are adults, their brains are going through a growth spurt which can make them irrational impetuous and very ego centric. They don't often want to communicate with their parents at percisely themoment that suits you...This makes rational discusson hard! They also like to drift off after school without telling you where they are..not much fun if you are in an office miles away. Some of the women I interviewed had particular issues because they lives in rural or semi rural areas and transport was a problem if they children had revision classes or activities after school.

[Maiakins]

Thanks for answering my earlier questions.

I was interested to hear both you and Alastair talk so frankly in the past about his depression. I've experienced this personally with my partner's depression and I was wondering, how has Alastairs' depression affected you personally? Does part of you resent his depression during his dark periods? Are you always sympathetic and if not, how have you learned to be more so?

And how has it impacted upon other elements of family life? For example, do you think that you didn't push him to do more around the house because you maybe (subconsciously) thought this might tip him over the edge?

I hope this isn't too personal - please ignore if you don't feel comfortable answering.

[sinkingfast]

Thanks Fiona, I'll start with them.

[FionaMillar]

pollycazalet yes someone really needs to write a book about dads and work and everything else..I realised the lack of info, esearch debate on this subject was glaring as I got to the end of mine.

[egyptianprincess]

Hi Fiona, I did make a flexible working request which was denied on the vaguest, flimsiest grounds, ie "client demands". That was the only justification given. The firm made no effort to try and think creatively to accomodate me or the other mothers who were in the same situation. It just disgusts me that they are basically saying there is no place for mothers at a top law firm. I was even told I "was at a crossroads in my life" and that I basically had to "make a choice". It is so digusting to me that they are saying that the 40 hours work I am offering are of no value. I have instructed a lawyer who thinks I have a very strong indirect sex discrimination claim. SO sad that it has to come to this with people who should know better.

[FionaMillar]

Working with Cherie was great because she always understood about the nativity play or the need to get back for the school assembly. she also always tried to include the children of staff in events at No 10 and Chequers.
We took a conscious decision that it would be me who gave up my job when Rory was 9 month old. I had no doubts at all about that at the time but didn't really understand then about the 'mummy track' you start to earn less then it makes sense for the mother to scale back more if the pressure becomes to great and hey presto you have a pay gap and it is much harder for you to get back on the ladder.
i don't really regret it because i always worked part time and loved my time at the swings and the one oclock club etc but I certainly did sacrifice something. Many of my friends and colleagues from that era are now editors ...

[Porpoise]

Fiona: Is life easier now that Alistair's out of number 10?

[FionaMillar]

It is probably too late now but anyone looking for flexible work shouldd take a look at the workingfamilies website for detailed advice about how to approach this and about how the employer should respond. You might have been able to challenge this although they sound pretty ghastly people!

[ahundredtimes]

Thank you for honest answer. Yes, agree re 'mummy gap' I have the same, but have become philosophical about it now. Before, it made me seethe.

[zanzibarmum]

Fiona, are you against faith schools per se or just them being responsible for their own admission arrangements. Would the education system be better without any faith schools or without any grammar schools?

[FionaMillar]

morning paper does anyone stop to ask whether all private schools meet the needs of their more able pupils. I bet a lot don't. There is good and bad in both sectors but a good state school should be able to stretch and stimulate children of all backgrounds. I am pleased to say i was never a head girl or prefect.Nor did I do particularly well at school as I found my social life much more interesting..it isn't all about exam grades even now.

[morningpaper]

go on go on let me ask one more question. I have a question from my husband. He wants to know: "how did you manage to keep all the high quality gossip from new Labour out of your day to day conversations with family and friends?"

[pollycazalet]

Next project then Fiona - although some would say you'd be even less qualified to write it than this one

[CMOTDibbler]

What do you wish you'd done differently in your family life ? Apart from delegating on the housework front

[Amey]

Fiona,

Do you agree that no school (state or private) can meet the needs of every child. Which is the reason many choose private education.

[FionaMillar]

maiakins that is a very interesting point. i think I do subconsciously try not to make him more depressed and the 'looking after ' thing probably has led to him being slightly infantilised in terms of housework.. I have just done an interview with Grazia on this subject which you may want to look at - out next week - it is terribly difficult to describe the effect of living with someone who has mental health problems and at times I haven't been as sympathetic as he would have liked but then part of you is always thinking rationally ( can't they just pull themselves together?) when depresssion defies rational explanation. However I am glad that he has brought this out in to the open and allowed me to talk about it because i can tell from the letters he has received that this does help other people especially as men often don't want to own up to mental health issues

[FionaMillar]

zanzibar not against faith schools only their admissions system. Totally against academic selection of any sort which should be gradually phased out now . It doesn't just afffect the chances of other local schools but it means that a majority of children in areas that still have the 11 plus start their secondary school lives feeling like failures

[FionaMillar]

porpoise not necessarily all better now because he has been depressed a lot of the time and felt he should have still been there making a difference and also that I made him leave..so lots of guilt and blame which we are just about finished with arguing about! However it is lovely NOT to have to swim every day at 6:00 am and I think we have done enough politics for now!

[Maiakins]

Thanks Fiona for answering so honestly. I agree that part of you thinks, for gods sake man just pull yourself together! Especially if you are feeling vulnerable yourself and don't feel like being the 'rock' of the family.

It is great that Alastair allows you to discuss how it has affected you, because a lot of men don't even want their family/friends to know - so you struggle to deal with it in silence.

I'll definitely check out Grazia next week!

[FionaMillar]

mp's dh VERY good question...you're not one of the many friends we stopped seeing in that era are you?!! Eventually it became easier not to go out and only socialise with people from work which got quite boring!

[Scorta]

State schools just do not have the facilities for ALL children so often, if your child h as a special skill or talent it is over looked.

How can this be addesssed?

[JustineMumsnet]

Thanks very much all for great questions and to Fiona for coming on.

Bravo!

[FionaMillar]

Thanks everyone..really enjoyed all the questions and comments. Lots of food for thought. i will be logging on regularly now!!

[morningpaper]