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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Live webchat with Fiona Millar, Tuesday 3rd March, 1-2pm

286 replies

RachelMumsnet · 25/02/2009 21:10

Fiona Millar will be visiting us at Mumsnet Towers for a live webchat on Tuesday 3rd March between 1 and 2pm. Her book The Secret World of the Working Mother: Juggling Work, Kids and Sanity will be out on Thursday 5th March. Fiona is a well-known journalist, educational campaigner and mother of three. If you can't join us on Tuesday, post your questions in advance on this thread.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 03/03/2009 10:35

Fiona - as a prominent Humanist, I wondered how your children had steered their way through things such as having to promise to love god as part of beaver/cubs/brownies promises

Also, does your book really have any innovative ideas for being a two full time WOH parents that doesn't involve a full time nanny/au pair or helpful family ? If there really are, then I might buy it

HelenMumsnet · 03/03/2009 11:04

Hi everyone,

We thought you might like to know that Alistair Campbell's been blogging about Fiona's webchat today.

Apparently, he might miss it because he's stacking the dishwasher

morningpaper · 03/03/2009 11:10

am [shocked] at Fiona's clear guilt at being a gate-keeper:

"On the rare occasions I have tried to make the bed, she has immediately re-done it. So what is the point, I ask whenever I look at rumpled sheets, in wasting time making it in the first place when I could be at my desk writing a key scene in the next novel?"

Is this true Fiona? Do you blatantly gate-keep tasks in the home? If so then you know that your partner's lack of parenting and housekeeping skills is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT?

mrsturnip · 03/03/2009 11:21

oh well lets hope the MN mentions on AC's blog mean a guest has actually read some of the already posted questions.

And I'm pleased CMOTDibbler posted her question as it shows that not being able to access childcare of the type you need to juggle isn't just the preserve of those with disabled kids (as I was trying to say yesterday). So yes, if you can't access out of school childcare for whatever reason, then what?

CMOTDibbler · 03/03/2009 11:51

Fiona - you don't really redo the dishwasher/bed do you ? And then complain about AC not doing it ?

I would never dream of criticising the way that DH chooses to do his housework - if the dishwasher doesn't get the dishes clean, he just restacks and puts it on again

You really need to join MN you know

senua · 03/03/2009 12:08

It's the oldest trick in the male handbook: do a job badly enough and you won't be asked again.

Indiechick · 03/03/2009 12:10

How do you keep your hair looking so lovely whilst swimming so much? I think I read somewhere you swim every day. I go 3 times a week and my hair is getting so dry. Would appreciate product recommendations.

FionaMillar · 03/03/2009 12:18

test

GeraldineMumsnet · 03/03/2009 12:23

Fiona has answered some of your questions in advance, so will post these in a mo, to leave maximum time for the live chat.

GeraldineMumsnet · 03/03/2009 12:27

As promised, some answered-in-advance questions, in no particular order.

Maiakins: Hi Fiona, my question to you is: what do you think about the current divide between working mothers and non-working mothers? For example, here at mumsnet but also in real life, people can get very defensive about their own choices and find it hard to understand other women's perspectives and life choices. Can we find some common ground as mothers? Where do you think the debate will go regarding women, work and childcare over the next 10 years (especially during the current economic climate?).
Fiona: I think the divide is less bad than it was when I went back to work because so many women are now managing to do flexible hours...it felt very us and them back then. Even a bit of flexibility allows working mums to get to the school gate. The drop in centre or the playground once or twice a week, to be visible and meet the other mothers so each side doesn?t seem like an alien group. I was struck, when researching the book, how many mothers had changed their work patterns AFTER their children started school, sometimes so that they would be available to arrange playdates etc because they felt their children were missing out on that after school social life especially if they were in play centres or with child minders. The recession may actually change improve the situation as some women will unfortunately lose their jobs but it is also the case that some women who haven?t wanted or needed to work before may find themselves going back into work and crossing the divide into that ?other world?. The debate MUST move onto fathers now, doing more in the home, sharing childcare and asking for flexible working...then the high quality part time jobs will become available and less of the blame for everything that is apparently wrong with modern childhood will be laid at the mother?s door...

Maiakins: Also, with regard to your thoughts about the benefit of more middle-class parents sending their children to state schools ... I think we're starting to see a trend towards this, with lots of middle-class families being unable to afford private schools due to the credit crunch and some state schools becoming increasing overwhelmed with children. Do you think this is a positive trend for the state system in the long-term?
Fiona: Yes!!! Schools need to reflect their local communities, if a significant number of aspirant, active parents and their children opt out, it diminishes that local school. I also think a lot of them will be pleasantly surprised ...

sfxmum: Actually I would like to know about being a school governor, which I believe you were - what do you consider to be the major problems in state education and what is your view on academies especially the private funding from religious groups
Fiona: Still not enough money in state schools, too many whose intake is negatively skewed by surrounding selection (ability faith private schools etc) andprobably not enough outstanding head teachers for the schools that most need them. I am all for investing in schools in disadvantaged areas but not at the expense of local accountability and certainly not if they get run by barmy creationists or carpet salesmen.

beforesunrise: I won't unfortunately be able to join as I will be on holiday (well, fortunately really!). But Fiona, having read and admired your stances on education before, what would you say to a parent who is ideologically and politically and politically supportive of state schooling, but who has the means to afford private school (with some sacrifices), and is faced with a very stark choice between a challenged (for want of a better word) state local primary and independent education? I know what you are going to say, but i really need to hear you say it again!
Fiona: OK. My children went to challenged state primary school. When the first leagues tables were published we were second bottom .. still remember how people used to avert their eyes when I said where they went to school. Eldest about to take his finals at Oxford so he survived academically and has always had a wonderful group of friends from all backgrounds. Remember that at primary level particularly, the ?home effect? is six times more important than the ?school effect?. Many schools that appear ?challenged? are actually doing a fantastic job for the children in them.

donnie: Following on from that - is it true that you had a lot of private one to one tuition for your DC ? what would you say to parents who cannot afford to do that?
Fiona: None of my children has ever had private tuition. Parents should get on the schools' case to find out why their kids needs aren?t being met in school hours, if that is the case.

ABetaDad: Is it true that you bought an expensive house in the catchment area of the very good state school which your kids went and which no ordinary worker on a average income could possibly have afforded?
Fiona: No, we lived here before I even thought of getting pregnant. Nor did we look at any schools or try and exercise choice...we sent them all to the schools that were closest and have not been disappointed. They have all walked to school since they were nine and my daughter, now 14, still spends hours ambling home with her friends in the summer and wouldn?t have it any way. All their schools have very high numbers of children on free school meals ? way above the national average, so I don?t accept that we are in some way part of a privileged elite!

beforesunrise: Were there ever times where you felt your stance on state education had the potential to go against the best interest of your own children?
Fiona: No never.

Celia2: I'd like to ask Fiona if she notices a difference between her children and those of friends/ colleagues who have sent their children to private schools? Or has she noticed a difference- in confidence and communication skills between her children (who are obviously advantaged by family backgound) and the children they are friendly with from school. This presumes that their frineds come froma wide range of backgrounds. I ask this as virtually every thread about the merits of Private v State has a comment about the superior confidence and social skills of those from the Private sector.
Fiona: Can?t see any difference at all between them and any of their friends who either went to grammars or independent schools. All ended up with broadly similar results and at broadly similar universities. Of course some of their friends from school didn?t have the same home lives and advantages as ours but our children have gained a lot from understanding that not everyone lives like us. Sure the private school kids get the polish and the networks but they can easily grow up in relative ignorance about how other children live. Their loss...

Bundle: Do you think that private schools should keep their charitable status?
Fiona: No

SuperMario: Would you ban private schools from having such utterly stupid uniforms. Boaters etc?
Fiona: I would ban uniforms in all schools!

morningpaper: I want to know:

  • What do you consider to be your greatest achievement?
  • What are your regrets?
  • What is your husband's most annoying habit?
Fiona: Greatest achievement has to be my children. My regrets...hmmm....not resigning from No 10 on the day the Iraq War started...Alastair' most annoying habit ( apart from the useless dishwasher stacking etc) is not understanding why I love shopping...

donnie: Do you still go swimming every single day? If so, I am impressed! How many lengths do you do?
Fiona: A kilometre a day ? 40 lengths of a 25-metre pool.

pollycazalet: And did you edit your partner's diaries for him? You definitely come out well (almost saintly!)
Fiona: I didn?t have any hand in the diaries and thought I came across as a miserable cow....which I was a lot of the time. See the piece I wrote in the Guardian about the references to me in the index!

LadyGlencoraPalliser: Are we allowed to venture into the arena of her husband's domestic skills or (alleged) lack thereof?
Fiona: You can venture into that arena but the answer will be short. He doesn?t have domestic skills..still boasting about a soufflé he made in 1980. That is how bad it gets. He DID change nappies though and do a range of other child-related activities like standing on freezing cold touchlines.

mrsbaldwin · 03/03/2009 12:51

Dear Fiona

Thanks for your interesting responses so far. I have already cut and pasted the bit about home being a six times more important influence than primary school, for posterity - the primary school at the end of my road which would be (soon to be born) DS's 'natural' school has an OFSTED 3 and what those who live in posher bits of the world might view as a very downmarket catchment

My question: I work in a high-powered job - and I've got no intention of giving up work. Like you, I'd like to try to combine the best of all worlds somehow (the first piece of good news - my DH does do washing up, unprodded). What 'best lines' to use to the naysayers, guilt-trippers and other denigrators of your choices have you come up with over the years?

A couple of examples from my own life this week:
Neighbour 1 (60-something lady): I saw you bustling along the street the other day looking very competent and it reminded me to say to you 'it's always career women like you that motherhood hits the hardest you know - you'll be knocked sideways by the whole thing'.
Neighbour 2 (50-something lady): I replied: Maybe 4 months, a bit more if the money ekes out longer. She said: Oh I really feel for you (meaning this wasn't long enough).

So ... some good (non F word) responses to remarks of this type that you've invented over the years, as I assume you've been the recipient of a few yourself...

Keep up the good work, Mrs Baldwin

JustineMumsnet · 03/03/2009 12:54

Welcome to Fiona, who's here with us in Mumsnet Towers now - can report that her hair is indeed looking lovely. Over to you Fiona.

mrsbaldwin · 03/03/2009 12:54

BTW I should add too that I've met your husband on a couple of work-related occasions.

Although he may not be any good at housework he does have his other advantages (glad this is anonymous ;) )

MrsB

GeraldineMumsnet · 03/03/2009 12:56

Indiechick..invest in a good swimming cap (and goggles) and a hair straightener. Mine does't look that good when I gt out of the water!

JustineMumsnet · 03/03/2009 12:57

oops - that was Fiona in disguise as Geraldine!

FionaMillar · 03/03/2009 12:58

CMOT Dibbler I am afraid my children never went to cubs or brownies..my own father wouldn't let me go because it meant swearing allegiance to God and the Queen . Old habits obviously die hard....

morningpaper · 03/03/2009 13:03

Hi Fiona, lovely to have you.

As we are talking educational stuff, I'd like to know whether you think that state schools really meet the needs of very bright pupils. Obviously Mumsnet is chock-full of swotty ex-head girl types who have spawned bright little things. Do you honestly think that their needs are met as well within the state sector as they are within the private sector?

emkana · 03/03/2009 13:03

Hello Fiona, have you read the thread up to here and what would you say your book has to offer that is new and truly helpful to women out there?

FionaMillar · 03/03/2009 13:04

Mrs Baldwin...glad you liked Alastair!! REad Charles Desforges research on the effect of at home parenting compared to the school effect for primary school chidren.
I wish more women would have the confidence to say that work makes them happier and fulfilled(even if that isn't always true!) and therefore a better mother. Ask if they have read the research on this subject?!! They probably haven't and there is plenty to prove that it isn't great for chidren to be at home with a mother who is miserable and depressed.

morningpaper · 03/03/2009 13:04

I know you've had lots of experience of varying childcare arrangements. Can I ask which arrangement (1) you found the most fulfilliing and (2) your children found the most fulfilling?

Porpoise · 03/03/2009 13:06

Hi Fiona,

Nice to have you here.

My question... You and Alistair are Labour party stalwarts: what do you really think of Gordon, Harriet - and David Cameron?

FionaMillar · 03/03/2009 13:08

sinkingfast it is quite hard to understand why the planning department would have anything to do with school meals or indeed after school care ( which is a priority for this government) Dont they know that? Have you spoken to your local councillor . I assume the governing body is supporting you?

FeelingLucky · 03/03/2009 13:09

Hi Fiona
Why did you write this book?

zanzibarmum · 03/03/2009 13:09

Fiona, you are very critical of what I think you have called pushy parents when it comes to schools. You were lucky(?) to live near some excellent state comprehensive schools in middle-class Camden. My question is did your children in addition have special tutoring either in school or at home to get into Oxford?

FionaMillar · 03/03/2009 13:10

Without going into too many specifics ( unlikely that I would vote for HH in a leadership election though) I would rather have a Labour government than the Tories back again..old enough to remember the 1980s.....