Live webchat with Fiona Millar, Tuesday 3rd March, 1-2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Fiona Millar will be visiting us at Mumsnet Towers for a live webchat on Tuesday 3rd March between 1 and 2pm. Her book The Secret World of the Working Mother: Juggling Work, Kids and Sanity will be out on Thursday 5th March. Fiona is a well-known journalist, educational campaigner and mother of three. If you can't join us on Tuesday, post your questions in advance on this thread.

zanzibar- see above post- dc didnt have any tutoring

morningpaper the children loved a part time nanny who worked for us for eight years. When my son turned 21 and we asked him who he wanted to celebrate it with, she was top of the list!She was a better mother than me in many ways...loved doing puzzles, playdough and all that stuff I find really boring ( sorry)

Do you think you made any sacrifices? Were they okay - either in your work or in your family?
Do you think your partner made similar sacrifices? If not, does it make you cross? Also - don't mean this wrongly or nosily, but is pressing in lots of houses I think - if your partner made more money than you, did that mean that his work was instantly 'more important' in the house?

Also, when you worked for Cherie, and were both busy, busy working mothers - was there sisterly 'juggling' or was it all office hours and no mention of the nativity play?

Fiona you've seen on the thread the collective 'meh' about yet another book on this subject. What makes your book different and do you think in some way you're continuing the lack of a focus on the role of fathers in all this?

Fiona - There is a slight omission on your websites resources page - You seem to have forgotten the Mumsnet Toddler guide

CMOT Dibbler and morning paper I am totally to blame for the bed I have made for myself. I stepped in from the start to do everything that my sons and partner couldn't be bothered to do, so there was absolutely no need for them to lift a finger. It is called conditioning -My mother is a star but did everything for my dad and us.
The key is not to let the bad habits start during maternity leave..they are hard to shake after that. We have had some interesting conversations over the past few months though ( because of the book) and they are now trying to do more!

Fiona: I've got a schools question for you.

My son's just got in to the local state secondary. Many of his classmates are going to private schools (we live in inner London) because their parents are panicking a bit.

But don't you think it's a bit of an ADVANTAGE now to go to a state school - given the changes in university admissions, prejudice against old-etonians etc?

bagsforife and morningpaper
Do we need to persuade the population of this. 93% already use state schools. The London situation hangs too heavily over this issue. In many parts of the country children are educated in real comprehensive schools with pupils of all abilities. They think it is bizarre that this issue obsesses so many people in the media and otherwise.
Zanzibarmum Rory didn't have any tuition at any stage in his school life, but he was a hard worker. The only preparation for his Oxford interview came from his school

Sorry, I didn't make that clear - because the school is full to bursting and has totally outgrown the premises, but we are not allowed to expand the footprint of the school. Thus we have kids being taught in cupboards (yes really), no hope of a kitchen for school dinners (too small and because it's also being used as a "classroom") and the afterschool club cannot erect a portakabin, even though they had funding for one (now lost of course and unlikely to reappear), so have to be shuffled around the school premises in a very unsatisfactory way.

Given all of the above, is it down to chaining ourselves to railings, or is there a better and more productive route? Am quite happy to letter-write but wanted it to be to the most appropriate people.

Thanks

Hi Fiona
I worked at a Magic Circle law firm as a lawyer until I was recently forced to resign because the firm would not agree to my working 9-5, 5 days a week at the office on reduced pay. The said it wasn't enough to do they job and wanted me to log on from home every night (which meant starting my day at 6.30am, getting my 11 month old to nursery for 8am, starting work at 9, leaving at 5 to pick up DD from nursery at 6, putting her to bed at 8.30 then starting to work again at 9 until about mindight or 1. Obviously I refused to agree to this punishing working pattern. Other mothers in my department have been managed out as well. I wonder whether you have any ideas as how the government can address this structural discrimination within the city to allow women to keep their jobs while they have small children.

It's interesting that you feel that you are following your mother.

I notice that friends whose mothers were SAHM seem to try and replicate the activities and setup of their mothers (voluntary work, social groups, housework division) even if they themselves are FT WOHM. Do you think that you try to do too much in your life, and that maybe having a job, being a partner and a mother is enough for one woman ?

Oh, and is the book London centric ? I have a choice of two primary, one secondary for DS. And none of them do before/after school or holiday clubs. So, a bit of a problem really !

Can you explain a little more about the book? How is it structured and what areas does it cover? Did you find it interesting to research and write? Who were the most interesting people you met while researching the book?

pollycazalet and feelinglucky. I haven't actually read any other books recently on this subject so can't say how mine would be different. I started on the idea in conjunction with an organisation called Womenlikeus which helps mothers to find flexible work and also provides coaching for women who have lost confidence etc after a long period at home...it gradually morphed into something else and I think it is a better book for having looked at such a wide range of current issues that are often misrepresented in the papers like whether nurseries damage your children, separation and attachment and also what it is like being the working mother of teenagers which is rarely talked about but affects so many people. I interviewed several women who had changed their jobs or given up once their children reached adolescence having survived the early years which everyone thinks is the worst time.
The book is based on interviews with women all over the country by the way and is NOT my life story!!

If you could go back in time and meet yourself while pregnant for the first time, what pieces of advice would you give yourself?

Fiona-another schools question, sorry.

In an article recently, you discussed the challenges of teenagers, particularly persuading them to do revision. I got the impression that you might have felt under extra pressure for them to do well academically, in view of the fact that you very publically chose local state schools rather than private schools that you perhaps could have afforded. Or was I reading too much into it?

juliab it is true that a lot of universities are 'contextualising'results so that they may give preference to applicants with good grades from challenging schools and areas of dperivation ( they can even pinpoint precise post codes).However kids still need to get those grades but there is no reason why if they are in a state school that is good enough ( ofsted reports etc will show that) and they work hard they can't get into a good uni. One of the reasons they admissions rate to Oxbridge from state schools appears so low is that often pupils from state schools don't want to apply..in some of the colleges they DO get in in the same proportion that they apply

Thanks Fiona. Women Like Us are an organisation I was going to see when I was contemplating a career change after having DD. Makes me want to read your book now ... well, get it out of the library

PMSL at Morningpaper doing her (almost) solo act

Pristina I think all parents have to persuade their children to work a bit harder at a stage in their lives when they would rather be out socialising. One of mine took a bit more persuading than the other....he is glad that he passed them all though because he did get to university, which at one stage had looked unlikely!

Other books on the subject can be summarised as follows:

1. Get a nanny
2. Get a cleaner
3. Get DH/DP to give up work/work incredibly flexibly
4. Go away with DH/DP by leaving children with your parents a few times a year
5. Have 'me' time
6. Apparently be able to give up your job and make a living selling tat cashmere baby clothes/crafty objets etc if it is all too much

They never mention what to do if none of the above apply, your child has special needs, or you are a single mum

ME ME ME

I'm really glad that your book includes discussion of the challenges faced by working mothers of teenagers, and I will look at it for that reason.

Why is it, do you think, that so much positive attention is payed to the issues around the care of small children in working households but that the attention paid to care of teenagers in working households is so negative, so focused on teenagers as a problem?

What are the major issues faced by working mothers of teenagers?

sinkingfast I would try the local councillors first and then the MP who should take this up with the DCSF ( relevant government department). It sounds appalling...

I worry about the secondary years - I have friends too have have given up work when their children are teenagers at the stage when you would have hoped things would be getting easier.

What do you think are the particular challenges of for working parents of parenting teens?

Good for your son, Fiona. There are endless debates on here about the advantages of a private school education which can really scare some of the posters with younger children who cannot afford it. Some of us argue vehemently that a state education(available free for 93% of the population) is not going to warp their children for life.