Live online chat with Frank Furedi - Tuesday April 10th 9-10.15pm

[Carriel]

Frank Furedi is a sociologist, father of a 5 year old boy and author of the controversial new book "PARANOID PARENTING (Abandon Your Anxieties and be a Good Parent)" (Penguin) - which argues that children are actually physically safer than they have ever been before and perhaps more in danger from the conflicting advice handed out to parents by different generations of "childcare experts". You can post questions in advance for Frank here, or drop in on the live discussion on Tuesday. The first six contributors to the live chat will each receive a copy of Frank's book.

Hello. How can you be sure that the statistics for the physical safety of children these days would not be materially worse than previously if parents today weren't so protective of their offspring?

Hi Frank,
With all the conflicting advice handed out by childcare experts how do parents decide which is the safest course of action from the differing suggestions offered to every situation? And if you answer this question as a 'childcare expert' yourself how will I know to believe you rather than another 'expert' who suggests the opposite?

Sorry, I'm being awkward, but I hope you can see what I mean!

Thanks

I agree with your basic premise that most parents are made completely paranoid by all the doom and gloom advice and instruction handed out by the 'powers that be'. In the past, there were 'old wives tales' that did the same kind of job. Do you think that we have a need in society to demonise parents who don't play by the rules? And who makes those rules? I'm sure your book answers these questions - I guess I'll have to buy it!

Frank,
Do you think that by parents becoming more paranoid, and protective of their kids, that they actually isolate their children from the society in a negative way?
I read an article that suggested that a fragmented society leads to more crime, teenage pregnancies, and drug use among children. Could it be that letting our children 'go' a bit more, letting them discover the world on their own, at their own pace, could actually make them stronger and happier individuals in the long run?
Also, more and more children are suffering from depression, that in some tragic cases leads to suicide even among children as young as ten.
Do you think that these horrible truths about our society today could be a consequence of over-paranoid parenting, and too much digging into the child's psyche in general?
By being paranoid in our parenting aren't we actually constantly reminding our children of how dangerous and bad the world is, even if we are doing it with a good heart? Is it better to let down our guard and let them learn from their own mistakes (as we ourselves have done)?
I'm sorry if I seem to bombard you with questions, but I find it all so interesting!
Kind regards,
Embla

Frank,
Can I offer a little vignette which has got me thinking about how children deal with certain anxieties - especially separation anxiety.

I normally live in inner city London with my 5 year old daughter. She is allowed to visit our neighbours on this side of the street alone, (I watch at the gate to see she gets there), but not to cross the road alone, so she can't get to the playground on her own. This rather irks her.

Last week we visited friends with a daughter of the same age who live half way up a mountain in the middle of an olive grove in Tuscany. There is a road some 100 yards down the hill below them and a small village about 10 minutes walk away. It is hard to imagine a safer place in terms of one's usual worries about cars, strangers etc.

My daughter was delighted by all this freedom and she and her little friend spent hours in the orchard making up magical stories. They roamed freely within the bounds of the orchard.

I was therefore surprised to discover that her little friend never strays far from the house and her mother, when on her own. This appears to be self motivated rather than parentally reinforced.

It leaves me wondering whether the issue of parental protectiveness and its relation to children's anxiety is perhaps rather complex and linked perhaps, amongst other things, to broader anxieties around separation.

Apologies if you already cover these areas in your book, which I have not read.

I have recently bought your book, but not yet read it. Do you comment on the difference in 'blame' culture between the UK and other countries, say Germany, where this simply does not exist? Children there seem to have much more freedom. In our small village there was a tragic incident three years ago in which a 10 yr-old was drowned in a freak accident, whilst out playing alone. Although I have not noticed any sense of anyone blaming the parents in this instance, there does still seem to be as a consequence a massive reluctance to let children play out of sight, even older children, and you do hear mutterings and murmurings when children are seen out unaccompanied.

Frank,

I have just hear on the radio the latest bit of research which says that children who go to nursery are more likely to be disruptive, badly behaved and have relationship problems with their parents and in later life. Do you think that A) this is an insult to the many nurseries who work very hard to instil discipline into children and b) this is yet another example of paranoid parenting?

Frank, I haven't yet bought your book so I don't know if this is covered but -
my daughters school is only 10 mins walk away, but we have to cross a really busy road to get there. I sometimes find myself just holding tight & running after having stood there for 10 minutes. I don't feel that there is a safe way to teach my daughter to cross this road, and as such, can't envisage letting her go to school on her own. (she is only 5 at the moment). I believe that traffic is a much greater problem than 'stranger danger', and this was reinforced by a recent case where the defence in an insurance case against a brain-damaged child was that his parents should not have let him out alone, without a helmet on. I believe the boy was 8 at the time of the accident. I want my children to have the freedom I had as a child, but the traffic risks now are a lot greater than they were then. Is this 'paranoid parenting' or an assessment of risk vs reward?

Dear Star
Usually kids give off some signal that they are ready for a new challenge - like walking to school on their own. That is the time to start preparing them. You probably know better then anyone else whether the time has come. And if you think it makes sense, after a few dry runs...yes!

Hello Frank,
I'd be very intersted to hear your comments on the following two issues:

1. What ground rules would you lay down for a 5 year old,7 year old, 9 year old, and 11 year old regarding playing out? We live in London and our son has, to varying extents, played out in our neighbourhood since he was 4-ish. Closely watched and monitored by us to begin with. By the age of 5, he was not always within easy sight, although we knew the children he was with and we had set rules about the places he could go with them. He is now approaching 7 years old, and I would like to think that he gets progressively more freedom as he gets older. So far,in his case, he has gained a lot from this freedom. How should we progress?

1. How would you instil a sense of road-awareness in a child? We do lots of necessary but negative things eg: no skates or bikes on the road, no crossing the road, no running after a ball, dire warnings about the importance of judging speed and distance and the dangers of traffic. Tellings off and grounding if our rules are ignored. Have you any suggestions about positive ways of teaching him road safety, apart from him attending a road safety course?

Hi Frank,

Do you think us middle class foodie mums are over-protective of our children when it comes to trying to ensure a good balanced diet?

Heard you on Radio 2 the other week, and think you scored a big hit with the (predominantly) older listeners!

LOL
Fairynuff

Dear Croppy

There are many societies -for example in Scandinavia, where parents are quite laid back about giving children their freedom - and yet children are as physically safe as in Britain.

Regards

Dear Hmonty

Follow you're instincts. Don't trust the experts - that's the point. You know more about your kids than they do!

Dear Caznay,

Nobody benefits from this. There are no cler rules that's why it's so easy to scare parents.

Hi Frank,
It's all very well saying follow your instincts, but I think a lot of people's instincts are conditioned by their own upbringing. In my case, whilst I was very loved, my parents were very critical (of the "don't want her to get big-headed school of parenting"). I can see myself heading down that road with my kids, but having read a lot about positive parenting, I'm able to make a conscious effort to alter my behaviour. I think it's ridiculous to suggest that parents' instincts are always correct.

Dear Embla

The main problem with paranoid parenting is that it becomes difficult to distinguish our anxieties from the needs of our children. Consequently, we often prevent them from engaging with the real world on their terms and that's not good for them.

Dear Frank

If he was subjected to it, how would you advise your own son to deal with bullying at school?

Frank,
Please excuse me because I haven't read your book yet but I did read an interview with you in the Guardian. You seemed to be urging parents to ignore the information about risks faced by their children presented in the media and to make their own minds up about what risks they face, but what I wondered is: how? How can I decide whether my two year old daughter faces a significant risk of abduction, or death at the hands of a speeding driver, if I can't trust what I read in the papers? Where do I go for objective information on what I really should be worrying about?

Dear Cherrian

I agree that parents can be anxious for all kinds of reasons. There is nothing wrong with being anxious. However being paranoid is more than just healthy anxiety. It means not being able to trust and to cultivate your instincts -- which is the precondition for effective childrearing

Dear Kmg

I agree with your thoughts about blame culture and its impact on parenting. I am always jealous of mothers and fathers in Spain or Greece - where the absence of blame culture leads to a relaxed attitude towards giving kids the freedom of the outdoors.

Dear Sharli

You are absolutely right. Contrary to common prejudice, nurseries are a wonderful place for children to acquire social skills and for exploring the world. The only problem with nurseries is that they are not available to everyone who needs them

Frank,
Your answer to Croppy seems a bit dismissive of a good point. Couldn't it be that in some countries kids can enjoy greater freedom because they are safer countries? Surely it doesn't follow that if kids in country X enjoy more freedom than ours without suffering any apparent ill consequences, that affording our kids the same freedom would not involve exposing them to new risks. Do you really believe that if we all chilled out and stopped worrying about where our kids are, that more kids wouldn't get hurt and even killed?

Dear Debsb

Traffic is a difficult issue. Some of my friends try to tackle the proble by training their kids to cross the road is an area, where there is virtually no traffic. Then move up to a a road with a bit of traffic....They tell me that a point comes when both they and and their kids know that the time crossing a busy road has come. There is no one solution to this problem - but we all need to prepare the way for the time when we ler go.

Dear Tigermoth

Your approach seems to be fine. It is difficult to give specific advice because every thing depends on your relationship to your child, how much can you trust your child and how seriously your child takes your words. That relationship will determine what's appropriate for your child. And since every parent-child relationship is a bit different, what works for you might not work for me and vice-versa.