Live online chat with Frank Furedi - Tuesday April 10th 9-10.15pm

[Carriel]

Frank Furedi is a sociologist, father of a 5 year old boy and author of the controversial new book "PARANOID PARENTING (Abandon Your Anxieties and be a Good Parent)" (Penguin) - which argues that children are actually physically safer than they have ever been before and perhaps more in danger from the conflicting advice handed out to parents by different generations of "childcare experts". You can post questions in advance for Frank here, or drop in on the live discussion on Tuesday. The first six contributors to the live chat will each receive a copy of Frank's book.

[Maika]

Dear Frank,I live in the centre of Rome, and its not excatly true that the parents abroad are less paranoid that the English, In Italy they are far more worried about everything, they worry about food (that their children don't eat enough!!!)If there is a slight breeze, jumpers are slapped on immediatly,there are very few children running around the centre of Rome, everybody is taken around by cars or babysitters(I'm talking about 14yr olds ,but funnily enough they seem to send their children to summer camps and organised summer activities without checking who their children are with all day!! They let their children have scooters at the age of 14 without even knowing how to drive , there are so many accidents in the city involving kids of 15 yrs old !!I have a 10 yr old and they think its because I'm English that I have a cold mentatity, when I leave him in the park playing football, and I don't worry too much what he is eating or how warmly he is dressed , but he will never have a scooter at the age of 14, and I always am a bit worried about sending him to organized summer camps !! So its true there are a lot of contraditions in bringing up children, I think that English mothers on the whole are pretty relaxed about the unimportant matters, here, children stay with their parents until the age of 30, God forgive !!!!!!!!!

[Sandra]

Dear Frank Do you think paranoid parenting has grown out of an excess of guilt? Parents are made to feel everything that happens to their child is their fault or influenced by them. there is no concept of the child having the right to his or her own problems. So parents have increasingly become overprotective rendering children less able to show initiative or develop coping skills. This then makes the child less capable and the parent more anxious. Is it some sort of vicious circle? Perhaps it is also to do with adults not seeing children as active agents but only viewing adults as omnipotent. What happens when they become teens and want to break away?

[Carriel]

Well that's all for tonight folks.

Frank - Thanks so much for all your replies and for taking the time to come and enter into a live discussion. Thanks too to everyone else who took part.

Carrie and Justine

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Robbie

I am not actually a parenting expert. I don't think that anyone can know more about your kids than you do. So I am not worried about whether I am taken seriously as a parenting expert. I hope that my analysis of the parenting crisis will be taken seriously. My views on child rearing are based on my work as a sociologist and through my experience as a father. They have little to do with with any of my alleged views on Bosnia, the theory of relativity or the British monarchy. You will have to judge me on what I say about child rearing rather than on any issues extraneous to child-rearing

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Nancy

Other countries are 'safer' because parents believe them to be safe. If you walk around Madrid at night - you will see massive traffic and yet the kids are playing out on the streets. Many British parents would not allow a 14 year old out under such circumstances. And yet there are 7-8 years old Spanish children having a great time in circumstances that would be denounced as dangerous by British safety experts. There is also one other big difference. In Spain adults intervene to prevent children from getting into trouble - in Britain adults are too embarassed to get involved.

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Alex2

There is plenty of objective information around. Even experts who promote a paranoid style of parenting agree about most of the basic facts. The real problem is not information but the pressure that parents face to treat even an insignificant risk as a routine problem to their child. The 'what if' question means that even if only a handfull of children are abducted by strangers - we are forced to reorganise our life around a risk that is statistically insignificant

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Ra

It very much depends on your son, his school, and general circumstances - such as whether he is isolated or has a group of friends. The most important first step is to always bring it out into the open

[Frankfuredi]

Hi Jraven


I agree that instincts are not naturally perfect. However, as mothers and fathers learn and interact with their child they gain important insights about parenting. They develop almost a new sense of what the kids needs. Unfortunately, often experts step in and tell parents that the professional knows best. As a result parents stop cultivating, developing - and most important of all - believing in their instincts. Learning to cultivate and to trust your instincts in the most important key to effective parenting.

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Fairynuff

Probably, yes. Kids need good food. And I give my son a weekly lecture on the virtue of vegetables. (which he promptly ignores) But I am worried about the way that eating has become complicated by professionals who turn every bite of a cheeseburger into a major health issues

[Robbie]

Dear Frank,

I heard you on the radio and told a friend about what good sense you seemed to be talking and she seemed horrified and told me that you'd been involved in Living Marxism, the magazine that tried to prove the Bosnian concentration camps didn't exist and how could I take you seriously? Is that true and, if so, how do you expect to be taken seriously as a parenting expert?

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Tigermoth

Your approach seems to be fine. It is difficult to give specific advice because every thing depends on your relationship to your child, how much can you trust your child and how seriously your child takes your words. That relationship will determine what's appropriate for your child. And since every parent-child relationship is a bit different, what works for you might not work for me and vice-versa.

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Debsb

Traffic is a difficult issue. Some of my friends try to tackle the proble by training their kids to cross the road is an area, where there is virtually no traffic. Then move up to a a road with a bit of traffic....They tell me that a point comes when both they and and their kids know that the time crossing a busy road has come. There is no one solution to this problem - but we all need to prepare the way for the time when we ler go.

[Nancy]

Frank,
Your answer to Croppy seems a bit dismissive of a good point. Couldn't it be that in some countries kids can enjoy greater freedom because they are safer countries? Surely it doesn't follow that if kids in country X enjoy more freedom than ours without suffering any apparent ill consequences, that affording our kids the same freedom would not involve exposing them to new risks. Do you really believe that if we all chilled out and stopped worrying about where our kids are, that more kids wouldn't get hurt and even killed?

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Sharli

You are absolutely right. Contrary to common prejudice, nurseries are a wonderful place for children to acquire social skills and for exploring the world. The only problem with nurseries is that they are not available to everyone who needs them

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Kmg

I agree with your thoughts about blame culture and its impact on parenting. I am always jealous of mothers and fathers in Spain or Greece - where the absence of blame culture leads to a relaxed attitude towards giving kids the freedom of the outdoors.

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Cherrian

I agree that parents can be anxious for all kinds of reasons. There is nothing wrong with being anxious. However being paranoid is more than just healthy anxiety. It means not being able to trust and to cultivate your instincts -- which is the precondition for effective childrearing

[Alex2]

Frank,
Please excuse me because I haven't read your book yet but I did read an interview with you in the Guardian. You seemed to be urging parents to ignore the information about risks faced by their children presented in the media and to make their own minds up about what risks they face, but what I wondered is: how? How can I decide whether my two year old daughter faces a significant risk of abduction, or death at the hands of a speeding driver, if I can't trust what I read in the papers? Where do I go for objective information on what I really should be worrying about?

[Ra]

Dear Frank

If he was subjected to it, how would you advise your own son to deal with bullying at school?

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Embla

The main problem with paranoid parenting is that it becomes difficult to distinguish our anxieties from the needs of our children. Consequently, we often prevent them from engaging with the real world on their terms and that's not good for them.

[Jraven]

Hi Frank,
It's all very well saying follow your instincts, but I think a lot of people's instincts are conditioned by their own upbringing. In my case, whilst I was very loved, my parents were very critical (of the "don't want her to get big-headed school of parenting"). I can see myself heading down that road with my kids, but having read a lot about positive parenting, I'm able to make a conscious effort to alter my behaviour. I think it's ridiculous to suggest that parents' instincts are always correct.

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Caznay,

Nobody benefits from this. There are no cler rules that's why it's so easy to scare parents.

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Hmonty

Follow you're instincts. Don't trust the experts - that's the point. You know more about your kids than they do!

[Frankfuredi]

Dear Croppy

There are many societies -for example in Scandinavia, where parents are quite laid back about giving children their freedom - and yet children are as physically safe as in Britain.

Regards

[Fairynuff]

Hi Frank,

Do you think us middle class foodie mums are over-protective of our children when it comes to trying to ensure a good balanced diet?

Heard you on Radio 2 the other week, and think you scored a big hit with the (predominantly) older listeners!

LOL
Fairynuff

[Tigermoth]

Hello Frank,
I'd be very intersted to hear your comments on the following two issues:

1. What ground rules would you lay down for a 5 year old,7 year old, 9 year old, and 11 year old regarding playing out? We live in London and our son has, to varying extents, played out in our neighbourhood since he was 4-ish. Closely watched and monitored by us to begin with. By the age of 5, he was not always within easy sight, although we knew the children he was with and we had set rules about the places he could go with them. He is now approaching 7 years old, and I would like to think that he gets progressively more freedom as he gets older. So far,in his case, he has gained a lot from this freedom. How should we progress?

1. How would you instil a sense of road-awareness in a child? We do lots of necessary but negative things eg: no skates or bikes on the road, no crossing the road, no running after a ball, dire warnings about the importance of judging speed and distance and the dangers of traffic. Tellings off and grounding if our rules are ignored. Have you any suggestions about positive ways of teaching him road safety, apart from him attending a road safety course?