Live chat with Dr Tanya Byron, Thursday 6 September between 1-2pm

[OliviaMumsnet]

Hi all
We're delighted to announce that Dr Tanya Byron will be here for an online chat with Mumsnetters this Thursday, 6 September.

Tanya is a practicing consultant in child and adolescent mental health and has two children of her own. Her new parenting book Your Child, Your Way encourages you to really think about the kind of parent you are and the kind you want to be, but mostly to understand your child.

Tanya will be joining us for an hour on Thursday at 1 o'clock, so grab your sarnies, get your questions ready and join us then.

For those of you who have unavoidable lunchtime commitments, we'll let you post your questions in advance here.

Thanks, MNHQ

For the rest of you, we'll see you on the 6th.

I've always been wary of time out in their room because it seems to enforce bedroom = bad place. I could be being a bit sensitive though... seeing as I know children who have a naughty stair and haven't grown up with huge stair issues

Just to let you know that this is a global hero-worship & I'm in from Sydney . HOTT has just finished airing on UKTV and it was fab, congratulations.

I posted my question earlier (about 5year old wee thing) so will just watch for now.

Will be buying knicker grippers in the morning

Thats the problem though isnt it for a lot of parents? They work Full Time so monitoring behaviour is difficult as care for the child is shared. For me personally I am a childminder and the child i have difficulty with is not my own child therefore I cannot monitor him at home but i have tried to show his mum the techniques that i use whne he is with me, I cannot be sure she will carry them out at home.

tutter I use timeout on DD1 and she is 20mths started at 18months like I did with ds and they both grasped the concept quickly

For any child behaviour to be managed the most important things are to be consistent and boundaried - set a boundary and follow through consistently with a consequence if it is crossed (eg Time Out for hitting your sister...) make sure all involved in the care of your child do the same or else they will get mixed messages. Be aware that yelling is attention and so that will increase the likelihood of the behaviour you don't want. Ignoring os so effective but difficult to do in the early days of trying to manage the behaviour - so tortoiseShell asked about a shrieking child - ignore them. Praise is hugely potent but must come from the heart and be both verbal and non verbal.

how is 'time out' different to 'naughty step'?

They will be 4 in Dec btw

LMG - too true. dh and I try to present a united front, but mil's idea of tantrum-dealing is a chocolate blooming bisuit!!

totaleeclipse - I would also love advise on how to deal with my two year old daughter's screaming - she is otherwise very well behaved and actually quite quiet - but she screams when she gets over excited!

Dr T - I think you and your advise are great

Time out you can just shut the door on them and walk away - naughty step often involves them getting up and leggin it

Agree Tigana, I hate the 'one size fits all approach' to many parenting programmes and experts...

children are all different, and are not dogs!
but these programmes (because of time constraints no doubt) would prefer everything to be black and white...
this can lead to other mums becoming judgemental - ie 'this is the correct way to do it...I saw it on the telly!'

Far too simplistic generally.

I never know when to ignore and when to let the child know that the behaviour is unacceptable. How do you achieve both?

belgo
Ditto, my dts are very wel behaved otherwise, they follow instructions, are polite, helpful, sleep beautifully etc.

Can you tell us about food....PLEASE! What do you do when I child will NOT eat what you have given them?

How do you deal with sibling jealousy? Baby (2yrs old) fiercly jealous of six yr old sister. Fights for my attention and affection, although not husbands. Baby often very physical towards sister.

For the many food questions it is not a good idea to give different meals to a food fussy child. remember toddlers can go through a stage of neophobia and so this means show aversion to things (incl foods) previously loved). Don't show your anxiety to your child and lock away the wet wipes. For those of you who do these things get a friend to feed you a meal with a big spoon while looking at you intently and wiping your mouth with a disgusting fragranced wipe every 5 mins - will you continue eating? watch snacks as some kids lose an eating pattern because they graze throughout the day. If a child refuses a meal then stop the meal and nothing til next (obviously water). Sometimes being paradoxical with a kid helps ie. I bet you can't eat that faster than your brother...or stickers for older kids. No treats or desert if meal not finished.

My children are at school all day they are and having a different set of rules to at home? Do I then apply teacher's rules at home? How do children cope with that difference?

like tutter i'd like to know if there's an official age for starting time out. dd is 20 months and getting increasingly mischievous.

the problem I find with time out with my older daughter is that she wrecks the room - pulling off wallpaper for example. We now do time out in the garden where she can't do any damage and is totally safe.

Just thought of another one, related to the boundaries/consequences thing - do you agree with pocket money being conditional for older children? I hate conditional things and at the moment give my 8 year old dd unconditional pocket money - I am giving it to her to teach her about money and about saving - but it leaves me with few sanctions but the old carrot and the old stick.

How can I get through to DH about tantrums? DS is 22 months old & gets cranky when he's tored (don't we all). I use disctraction technique - "oh, did you see that bird then?" to calm him down and then he's quite happy calling for it - "birdy! birdy!" DH tends to either snap at him to be quiet, bribe him with sweets or, to my horror, once walking off and leaving him in the shopping trolley on his own. Ds went hysterical but DH thought it was funny
How can I show DH distraction can actually work

As a childminder I cannot shut a child away so when i use time out (rarely) i sit them on the floor next to me this way i can use it wherever we are and get down to their level etc this prevents them carrying on doing what they shouldn't. Then they say sorry then we have a hug then they play again.

Dr T - I think you have just designed a fabulous weight loss programme for me

DS is 18 months, had his first time out on Tuesday - he looked VERY stroppy and bashful when he came out again... now just to see if he draws on my walls again

Ignoring really IS difficult - I am sure that is one of my failings - but HOW do you ignore when it is something you really want them to stop doing? Surely if you just leave them to it they will just keep doing it....
Am thinking a bit here of our difficulties in encouraging 5 yr old ds1 to get dressed and breakfasted in a timely manner in the morning!