Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

I can’t remember which book it was now, but I read one where a teacher a) went out for breakfast with someone because he had first lesson free, and b) on another day was casually chatting to kids as he walked through the school gates at the same time as them...

Stop reading shit books, people! Most of the stuff mentioned here might as well have “‘100% piffle from start to finish’ — Richard and Judy’s Book Club” and “‘A perfect post-lobotomy treat’ — Bella” on the covers.

My only encounter with Adele Parks was years ago. I can’t remember what the book was, but I got as far as the heroine “whelping” with surprise and could go no further. I suspect the musty balls are just further evidence that she doesn’t actually know what words mean.

Stop reading shit books, people!

I struggle to find non-shit books. I am a ridiculously fast reader - a curse, not a blessing, and I rely on charity shops (when open) and 99p bargains. I read through all the free out of copyright classics within a year of getting my first Kindle.

But, one of my favourite books spoke of a character's small appendage and commented 'It was like waving an arm in a barn' which has never left me as a description!

Or like throwing a stick into the Albert Hall. I can't unsee this description

@somewhatbored Dont you have a local library?

So, tell me, if you used to love a particular author but think they've gone off the boil.....why do YOU think that is?
What do you want to see instead?

I once went to a talk by the writer Emma Darwin, who also teaches writing. She said in her opinion, a series, or a particular type of novel, is sustainable for six books. After that the author needs to introduce a new plot element, or do something else different to keep things fresh and interesting. (Like move the school from South Wales to Switzerland.)

Emma Darwin has an excellent website aimed at aspiring writers.

I think I started reading the Cockleberry Bay book and gave up. I also gave up on one where the heroine was living in New York or somewhere and on an impulse decided to fly to England to revisit the place where she'd spent childhood holidays, decided to stay and open a business and within a week, or some unfeasibly short period of time, had made all the necessary financial arrangements, etc etc. And of course there was a hunky café owner.

I seem to recall also that the author hadn't taken into account the time difference when describing the heroine's journey to England. She gets on a flight in NY in the morning and lands in the afternoon.

I read through all the free out of copyright classics within a year of getting my first Kindle.
You read all the classics in a year? Sorry but that's just not possible!

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

I STILL rage at Jemima J (Jane Green I think). The plot is as follows: Fat chick can't get a bloke - photoshops herself thin and starts chatting up a fitness instructor in America. They decide to meet up and she realised she must lose weight. So starves herself/over exercises and becomes thin. Meets fitness guy in America. They fall for each other - then she discovers he's cheating on her with another 'fat' chick - he can't go public with said fatty because of his image. Our heroine is distraught.

In the meantime she bumps into a male friend she had a crush on when she was 'fat'. He doesn't recognise slim her but falls head over heels in love despite never giving her a second look before.

I forget how everything ties up but obviously she ends up with the friend. She apparently is 'no longer thin' but a 'curvy size 10' (FFS).

And it has an annoying habit of switching between first and third person narrative.

Ahhhh that feels better.

I read this when I was young and it really triggered my disordered eating. Will never forget that.

Enjoying this thread very much.

Too many people are just re-writing Jane Eyre, ie woman in unfamiliar circumstances meets man who is surly and rude but turns out to be to be loving and kind. I used to read that plot in women's magazines 50 years ago and it's still around. Main difference between Bronte and her successors is that Jane was plain and mousy whereas subsequent heroines are very attractive, although they are usually dishevelled for some reason when they first meet the hero. However, he sees beyond the rumpled hair and muddy wellies.

I can't read anything in which the British aristocracy have given their daughters names like Meredith or Tyler.

It's sad how the quality of a writer's books can decline. I liked Anne Perry's series about the Victorian policeman Thomas Pitt (although the frequent references to his wife Charlotte's mass of auburn hair got tedious) until she introduced an evil secret society. Then it got silly. Likewise the Scarpetta novels by Patricia Cornwell, which got more silly after her boyfriend miraculously returned from the dead. Her overachieving niece, who was good at everything, was irritating too.

I think that Ian Rankin's Rebus series has held up pretty well, but he can't write women. They are either motherly, slutty or pretty but dull. Those who do have personalities, such as Siobhan, are basically men in dresses. Rebus himself, on the other hand, seems very real.

@Hollybutnoivy

I read through all the free out of copyright classics within a year of getting my first Kindle. You read all the classics in a year? Sorry but that's just not possible!

I mean, all those I hadn't already read (I was middle-aged by the time Kindles came along) and which looked interesting.

Yes, there is a library in my town but unfortunately its opening hours are shorter than my working day.

there is a library in my town but unfortunately its opening hours are shorter than my working day.

Does your library service do e-books? I've read a lot of library e-books during lockdown.

My only encounter with Adele Parks was years ago. I can’t remember what the book was, but I got as far as the heroine “whelping” with surprise and could go no further.

I quite often shoot puppies out me foof when startled.

Does your library service do e-books?

Yes, they do something called RB digital, but I'm not sure how wide the selection is. My husband has a library card so I might have a look - thanks for the suggestion.

@iklboo It’s a terrible affliction. No wonder the heroine was having relationship problems.

Life too short to read crap books. I'm a slow reader so try to choose something that sticks with me and I could recommend not others, such as The Overstory by Richard Powers. I listen to A Good Read for suggestions.

@SomewhatBored

There was an early Lisa Jewell which had a heroine who was tall, slim and blonde. However, she lived somewhere rural. Naturally, outside the M25, no one knows what's currently considered attractive because it takes so long for fashion to filter down to the provincials. So they thought being tall, slim and blonde was really ugly and she was always being told how unattractive she was. Happily, she moved to London and because they're so much more up to date with current fashions in the city, all the men really fancied her and she even got approached by a modelling scout.

There is no Lisa Jewell book that has this plot. You may be thinking of One Hit Wonder, where the main character is 6 foot tall, but she’s not blonde. She’s described as awkward and gangly with a big nose, but it’s clear from the text that she’s not unattractive, she’s just had her confidence destroyed by her horrible mother. It’s nothing to do with her being from outside London.

The book that had the most ridiculous ending for me was Captain Corelli's Mandolin . I read it a very long time ago so I may be misremembering, but as I reacall the y had a great, passionate love affair. She was the love of his life. Despite the terrible odds and circumstances of war they kept on loving each other.

And then, he comes back to the island and sees her with a small child. He thinks to himself that she has either been unfaithful to him, or possibly raped (may have misremembered that bit). Anyway, because he sees her with this child (not hers, she had pretty much adopted her) he leaves. He does not think of speaking to her - this great love of his life who he has spent a tragic time apart from due to the war - no, he just walks away.

When they are old he comes back to the village and they drive off into the sunset on a motorbike.

Why? Why wouldn't he have just spoken to her????? A great book ruined for me.

Recommend to others

@iklboo

My only encounter with Adele Parks was years ago. I can’t remember what the book was, but I got as far as the heroine “whelping” with surprise and could go no further.

I quite often shoot puppies out me foof when startled.

Duchess of York is apparently writing now for Mills and Boon, I expect horses will play a part!

@JimmyJabs

While we're gunning for the popular, am I really the only one who loathed The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society? So much twee, so many eccentric locals opening their hearts to the plucky outsider, so much appropriation of Nazi atrocities to add 'grit' to the story. I don't understand how anyone managed to read it without immediately getting diabetes.

No you were not. I have no idea how it’s so popular - I kept getting the characters mixed up because they all had the same voice. And it was just obvious. And boring.

I’ve remembered something that I wasn’t sure was an issue or not in a book I just read. Set in the 60s, there’s a section where a young woman gets driven to a country manor for a horse and hound ball (it wasn’t called that but you get the picture!). The author made a point about mentioning the chains on the tyres . I have no idea if these are ever used (although google tells me they are sold in Halfords) but I’ve only ever heard of them in American books? Am I being unfair or would that have been reasonable for the time?

ladyfidget I have never noticed this in a Maeve Binchy. Which one was it?

I do enjoy a "too beautiful to possibly be attractive to men" main character.

"It was hopeless, Kate thought, looking in the mirror. At 5'8" she towered over her friends and felt a veritable giraffe next to them. Not a day went by where she didn't curse her long, long legs.

And she was too thin, she felt. She could see the looks of pity in men's eyes as they locked on her 22" waist, thought it at least meant they weren't looking at the awkward way her breasts stuck out. The 36DD globes were just too damn pert! She just wasn't like all the other women who needed bras, she thought miserably, bemoaning her poor luck.

Her face was all wrong, as well. Kate's mother had always said she had lovely eyes, the lying bitch! Kate knew it wasn't true, her eyes were a bizarre emerald green and too large for her face. Much too large- had it not been for her childishly velvet like skin (it had been a great embarrassment to her when she was a teenager, tragically unable to have pimples like all the other, more grown up girl in her year), blemished only by a faint smattering of freckles which persisted in blighting her, no matter how many rounds of sandblasting she put herself through- she would have looked like a wretched Victorian waif.

Oh and the hair! Her thick, dark waist length hair was impossible to tame, requiring brushing at least thrice a month. It gave a poor frame to her ugly, elfin features. The only good thing about her cheekbones was that, when money was tight, she could hire them out to diamond cutters in Antwerp whose machines had broken down. "

Poor Kate.

I am Britain-born but live in the US, and often buy British authors here. Someone has obviously decided that American readers can't cope with the nuances of British life and the novels often get 'Americanized'. It generally fails on all levels.

A recent book I read was originally set in a British Seaside town but some American publisher had decided to change that to a Midwest lake town. There is so much that is reminiscent of a seaside town, and some poor publishing person had a go at googling and trying to translate, then obviously though "Fuck it-no one will ever know." It was a shambles.

I get my books directly from the UK now.

@MissingLinker that is BRILLIANT

Although, Kate in one respect does seem at a disadvantage- at a 36DD she does have a disproportionately large rib cage- BUT I’m thrilled to see that written, because when men (and even Adele Bloody Parks has been guilty of this) they always go for a 36. And I always think, ok, a thin woman with a large ribcage. They always seem to thing 36D is the most desirable size I’m short and a size 12 and I’m still only a 32D back measurement 🤔😂