Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

I really liked a few of Liane Moriarty's but Nine Perfect Strangers was just silly. It was panned at my book club and we read all sorts. The one I referred to up thread as being 'new' was The Hypnotist's Love Story and was a re-release which wasn't clear. Clearly trying it on to look like something new but actually a book from book she was successful.

a book from before she was successful

@mdh2020

We had identical twins in the family who married identical twins and the women definitely played that trick on the men and pretended to be each other.

This could be a Shakespeare play if the men pretended to be each other too!

@SomewhatBored

I think a lot of people (including me) just love a non-gritty but not necessarily cosy murder mystery and the setting is all laid out and is enticing

Yes, I'd agree with that. I'm not at all keen on police procedural stuff and blather about forensics, so if the book blurb is from the perspective of DI Kate Harassed-Singlemum I tend not to buy it.

This makes me really sad! Not all police procedurals are the same - it can be a really varied type of crime novel. I personally find a lot of psychological thrillers have wound up in one big 'the husband did it' heap. But I get the idea that you might want a nice setting and a decent mystery. I can recommend people like Sabine Durrant, Lucy Atkins, Susie Steiner, William Shaw and Kate Atkinson for well written crime with a good sense of place (but some of them are procedural...)

I remember reading a book supposedly set in 11th century Wales where the main character was sat around a fire drinking hot chocolate and complaining her "bangs" were growing over her eyes

A massive bugbear of mine is finding loads of Americanisms in books set in the uk. It's a barrister, fringe and rubbish not lawyer, bangs and trash.

@Mingmoo @SomewhatBored

Mostly I enjoy police procedurals, although kindle unlimited has introduced me to some really awful ones .

I tend to flit between different genres (although never anything too worthy) so I'm really enjoying this thread as so much is familiar .

Haven’t finished reading the whole thread so apologies if it’s been mentioned but no crime writer seems able to finish a book without mentioning the metallic taste of blood. I get there probably aren’t too many ways to describe the taste but at least try and be different.

Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that)

Ooh which one is this? I love twin tales. Mills & Boon has some twin ones:

• woman pretends to be a twin so she can have two different relationships / types of sex with the hero, one as nice as pie twin, one as vamp twin

• twin women fall in love with the same man. They toss a coin to decide who gets him (after one of them slept with him). The losing twin gets a modelling career as a consolation prize.

• twin woman wakes up in a hospital with amnesia. Her ‘husband’ comes for her and is bewildered why his wife is so sweet and not femme fatale. One day he sees she doesn’t have a mole on her shoulder anymore. Turns out it was femme fatale twin who was married to the man. They had recently re-united but their train crashed and it turns out the rescue people mistook sweet twin for sexy twin.

What a great thread, as someone who reads a lot I've enjoyed your points, I like an easy read as much as the next one but completely agree with what's said.
I've got some plots for Sci fi stories in my head, but always felt its a waste of time developing them into stories as it's too hard to get noticed. Even with self publishing I guess that's still the case.
I've read Rachel's holiday and loved it, what are the other Walsh sister books and are they worth a read?
I'm reading ivenhoe at the moment, now that's a tough read!

Kindle Unlimited recommendations have led me to some of the most terrible books I've ever encountered and I've just stopped my subscription. I'd rather pay £5 a time and read something really good.

The mention of inappropriate phrases reminds me of what they've done to Enid Blyton. I don't mind them taking out the sexism, racism and corporal punishment, but I wish they hadn't made the characters start saying things like, "You bet!". Part of the joy of reading old books is seeing how people talked and it's also so jarring.

I'm pretty sure I read a section of, or short bit of Jaws by Peter Benchley in Cosmopolitan. I would have been 18,The book came out in 1974, so that's about right. Normally I didn't read the fiction but this was v good (needless to say). And before the film, so well found by Cosmo.

@TodgerStrunk

I'm still smarting from reading 48 Beast Quest books out loud to DS and at no point do they go to the toilet or clean their teeth. Seriously unhealthy.

I’ve started to add in “while there’s blood in my veins” even more times than it’s already repeated! DS finds it hilarious

Do you mean in the voice of Rob Brydon, pretending to be Michael Caine

Another one who is thoroughly enjoying the thread.

I haven't read "Haven't they grown" but it's reminding me of an episode of Eerie Indiana (if anyone remembers that) where the whole family were sleeping in giant Tupperware boxes so they never got older. It worked in that context because the whole premise was that it was a bizarre town where the normal laws of physics were suspended.

Kindle unlimited has also led me to some bad places. The Darklight books were appalling. Feisty teenage girl in the military fighting against the ridiculously named redbills- huge vicious murder birds.

Then of course there were vampires, and one kidnapped her and convinced her they weren't all evil and could help humanity tame the murder birds as they were psychically linked. But they'd only help if they were given sanctuary from another plane of existence where they were being tortured. So they were kept on some military base but of course there was a conspiracy. All against the backdrop of some weird love story where the vampire was basically controlling and dishonest and it wasn't presented as romantic. I finished the first one through gritted teeth. I shouldn't have bothered!

He was controlling and dishonest and it was presented as romantic. Although I can see how my autocorrect got confused...

@PinkyParrot

I'm pretty sure I read a section of, or short bit of Jaws by Peter Benchley in Cosmopolitan. I would have been 18,The book came out in 1974, so that's about right. Normally I didn't read the fiction but this was v good (needless to say). And before the film, so well found by Cosmo.

Wonder what the section was. Jaws (the book) is notoriously poor in comparison to the film. They are reasonably different.

@Furbylicious

He was controlling and dishonest and it was presented as romantic. Although I can see how my autocorrect got confused...

@Bluehues yes possibly- Rob Brydons impressions in The Trip are outstanding!

@stackemhigh it was called ‘The Image of You’, but now I think back I’m wondering if it was twins or one woman with a split personality disorder

Hi I never ever read fiction......I have just finished the true story of Lady Astor's maid starting around the 1930's wonderful. I am now reading about the Lady who became the 19 year old bride of the owner of Highclere Castle ( the real Downton Abbey ) at the turn of the 1900's
Countess of Carnarvon.....so I do not have to worry about Very strange plots etc.

Talking about offensive language, I'll don my hard hat and take on a literary darling Kate Atkinson.

I was reading the first Jackson Brodie novel "Case Histories"and there was some moving passages (particularly about a father losing his daughter) when, bang, she drops an absolute jaw dropping clanger.

There is an elderly character who has a black dog, who she names the N word. It's stated how awkward it is when the woman calls out "N***!"to her dog in the street. But it's all fine, as Jackson's best friend who's black finds the whole thing hilarious!

The incident is played for laughs as if it's just the harmless eccentricities of an old biddy and it made me check when the book was published. It was 2004 when I had assumed it was a lot older, given such "humour" went out with the Dambusters movie over half a century ago.

purpledagger someone gave me Forgive Me to read over Xmas and it's in my top 5 worst ever. She walks into a waitressing job which somehow pays enough for her to live on despite the fact she never goes to work. Every man she meets wants to sleep with her or look after her except one who sets her house on fire and that doesn't even seem to matter much.

@Wearethetwirl it's a cat and Jackson is horrified by its name! The fact that he won't call it out himself saves his life.

@SmidgenofaPigeon I hear you as Paul Whitehouse impersonating Michael Caine in the Fast Show.